Sigh...I need boyfriend advise....

So as some of you know...I am moving...a few towns over..closer to my work because I do not have a car and I take a bus...my schedule...is a 640 bus to get to work at 9. take 2 buses then walk a mile. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years... (he is a college professor if that paints any picture). we do not live together...he takes things very slow.. At one point he had desire to but not so much anymore. sometimes I feel we are just friends even though I do love him very much. I've lately been feeling like we should break up...I asked him if he will drive me to work either this thur or fri (40 min away) so I can cat sit and not have to leave at 5 in the morning...I know he will not be working at these hours. long story short he whined about commute & said no. I told him " this is where I will be living....how are we gonna be together when you get busy in the school year and you won't drive to Newport" and he just said nothing and nothing and more nothing...sigh....its like its this big lost distance thing for him....I have friends that wouldn't think twice or hardly even once without just coming to see me from that distance...I don't know...I only see him a couple times a week...and intimacy....ha! On the other hand...come to think of it all I can say is he is a nice guy in general....Idk....I feel like I am more willing to be helpful and want to do things with in the relationship....Should I go? Is it worth it? sorry for venting...not sure what advise I am looking for just opinions of that matter...I could tell you he washes his hands after petting the cats that might be a sign lol

Hi hun, he sounds a bit like my best friends bloke, to be honest not worth the effort, I know that you love him but you have your whole life ahead of you and do you really want to be with someone that washes their hands after stroking your cats?? I think you can do much better, love is a hard thing. x

I would go. He is sounding selfish and aloof. You've got years ahead of you, and you need to do what is best and right for you. It may be tough because you love him, but from what you say he seems very distant as it is.

I'd say read the writing on the wall, break up with him, and move in. It sounds like that may be what he wants, but he's even too wimpy to do that right.

I think what he wants is a dinner companion...and someone that can help him get out of the house aside from work. thats what I call..."A FRIEND". I know logically I should be leaving...what timing...new job new place...new life right? SO tell me where are my...."man parts" lol and you guys are right...I am to young for the crap....sigh....

I agree with what others have said. I definitely think you should just move. I can't imagine being with someone who wasn't willing to do something so little for me. There is definitely better out there for you, perhaps he is just meant to be a friend!

Have you ever talked to him about it? If you don't speak up and make yourself clear, sometimes men just don't "get it." I swear they are dense as bricks (sorry guys). I know with my BF, sometimes subtlety doesn't work.

Relationships, among other things, are about compromise. And mutual giving. Sounds like he didn't read the manual.

He sounds very self-absorbed and non-commital about your relationship. Perhaps he is taking you for granted.

Sounds too like you need a more active person/partner in your life.

he has made it clear in the past that he is not friends with people he is with after. SO maybe thats part of my problem Im not ready to loose him knowing thats it...the end...
I do tell him how I feel....he just doesn't respond...he tells me he takes a while to process things but still never responds so I don't know. Hes made an effort with the cats...he likes them & cares for them....but not in a way I wish he did...thats a little bit problem for me sometimes too. he does get very distant...often is. It gets worse when he is teaching (I often refer to him as my summer boyfriend! cuz thats normally when he's been great)....I guess its getting to a point where its more complaints then good things and I don't like that.

I can only tell you that I couldn't be with anyone who didn't love my cats with a whole heart and didn't have to "make an effort" to like them. It also sounds like you already know there probably isn't a future for the two of you, but its hard to let go to what you know and move off into something, but if you settle for a relationship where you are doing most of the giving and compromising, I can guarantee you will regret it in the long run. If you feel like the two of you are more like friends, then why not just keep the relationship as friends and see if anything comes out of that.

I agree with all of the above advice. Ditch the dud! You can do so much better.

Don't arrange your life because of someone else. Live your life for you! This job sounds like a great opportunity. Don't toss it down the drain because of him. In the end you will be left with nothing because based on what you have been posting about him and your relationship, it isn't a "forever" one and will end. Then what? You don't have the job, or him.

Take the job, and do yourself a favour. Don't wait around for him. And don't be disappointed when he doesn't put in the effort to continue the relationship, because based on what you said, he won't put in effort.

I'd say move! He doesn't seem to be invested in maintaining this relationship and it would be exhausting to love a person who is unwilling to participate.

You have a whole life ahead of you and you will find someone else who is greater

Although I do have to mention, I wash my hands after I pet my own cat I hate allergies.

I am moving and Ive been with this job for about 2months doing this commute. So thats not an issue. (boyfriend doesn't have allergies as far as the washing hands go). I really think that he thinks he is invested and don't so much...I mean he has helped me with rent & food in such when I was in school and hurtin pretty bad. Says he wouldn't have done that if he didn't see us staying together. He just works in a weird way...is a bad to say...I think he thinks he loves me but doesn't really know what love is. His version of showing me how he loves me just isn't mine. So...yeh...

If you guys have been together for that long and he's not willing to help you out, sounds like he's kinda selfish to me and do you honestly want to continue the relationship.

If you don't see yourself with him in the next 10 or 20 yrs and being happy, then its time to part ways and find yourself someone that is more suited to you. Its fine to "take your time" but he doesn't seem to want to move to the next step.

This is what I get out of it.

It's so hard to be in a relationship when one is more invested than the other. I would think that after 2 years, you'd have a definite sense of where this relationship is headed. If he hasn't made that clear, then you either need to have a DTR (define the relationship) talk OR make a clean break of it. You're both obviously not high schoolers, so 2 years is long enough to know if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. It seems like you're hanging on with hopes that the relationship might develop, but he's pretty much stringing you along.

I say, move, start fresh, and leave this guy in the dust. Really, you deserve so much more than what he's offering, which isn't much. Don't think too low of yourself that you settle for less than the best.

I say write a letter to him. Then read it to yourself. This might help you think clearly and form your thoughts.
You really need to have a serious talk with him. Point blank, about your feelings. Not skirting around issues, don't let him do that either, because this seems like something important to you and since it is important this needs to be addressed.

It sounds like your boyfriend doesn't want to put effort into the relationship any more, but he's a 'nice guy' and doesn't want to break up, either. Maybe he'll realize what he's lost once you are gone, but if he doesn't care there's nothing you can do; either way it's good to move on. Good luck with your move!

It's hard to give someone else advice on their relationship. But from what you have mentioned he seems really selfish. I cannot believe he would say no to driving you to work. It seems that maybe he is hoping you'd break up with him so he won't feel guilty later. Breaking up is hard to do but you don't want to waste your time with someone you ultimately won't be with. I know its easy for us to tell you to ditch him but the truth is any person, especially a significant other who would say no to helping the other doesn't genuinely care about you .That is part of what a relationship is based on....teamwork and cooperation, helping each other out. It seems that you seem to love this guy because in the last comment you made you were trying to look for excuses for his behavior saying "He just works in a weird way."

If i were you i would sit down with him and have one last serious conversation. Put your feelings out there and tell him your concerns. If you don't see him trying to change or doesn't take your talk serious, then as much as it may hurt....maybe its time to go.

And remember, that we teach people who to treat us. The fact that you are letting him get away with treating you badly, means that you have given him permission to do so, so he will continue to do so.

Stand up and get some self esteem and tell yourself that you can do so much better than him!

Originally Posted by ladycat

he has made it clear in the past that he is not friends with people he is with after. SO maybe thats part of my problem Im not ready to loose him knowing thats it...the end...
I do tell him how I feel....he just doesn't respond...he tells me he takes a while to process things but still never responds so I don't know. Hes made an effort with the cats...he likes them & cares for them....but not in a way I wish he did...thats a little bit problem for me sometimes too. he does get very distant...often is. It gets worse when he is teaching (I often refer to him as my summer boyfriend! cuz thats normally when he's been great)....I guess its getting to a point where its more complaints then good things and I don't like that.

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I think it sounds like you have already made up your mind to leave him. No intimacy? He'd be out of my life in a minute.

Originally Posted by BMW Kitty Cat

It's hard to give someone else advice on their relationship.
If i were you i would sit down with him and have one last serious conversation. Put your feelings out there and tell him your concerns. If you don't see him trying to change or doesn't take your talk serious, then as much as it may hurt....maybe its time to go.

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I agree with everything here you wrote. In particular how hard it is to give real relationship advice in this medium; we read one small snippet from one individual side in typed boring font, no voice, no in person. It isn't always enough to make a real/accurate/fair assessment.