Afraid Of Husband

niquejp · Jul 20, 2010

This is gonna be a long post. Basically we already had our 5 kitties and everything was fine. No fleas, no illness everyone was happy and love was balanced ect. ect.
Well in the winter we had a freak snowstorm and the next morning hubby found a viceous trap with a frozen little kitty in it. He brought it home and into the bedroom. I was like we have to just take this cage to the SPCA they are a no kill shelter and they can take care of her. But NO he opens the cage and out runs this feral nightmare.
Then a week later I noticed she was pregnant, all we needed. But he still would not get rid of her. I have no say so in anything in this house and the cat situation is impossible right now
First off the feral brought in an odd flea that I am alergice to so for several months now I have been suffering, the dermotologist says its flea alergy but it is so odd it looks like 2nd degree burns all over my hands, arms and legs.
Then there are the kittens. We agreed they would get homes. He keeps saying no to people who want them. Now they are 3 months old, the older they get the harder to give them away. But now it is IMPOSIBLE to give them away because there is a bad virus going around. It started with my one year old TyTy and she was real bad off had to go to ER. Well 2 of the four kittens have it, it is respritory infection, plus their eyes are glued shut and runny. I made friends way back when we first got the feral, i made friends with the rescue/adoption lady at SPCA she said she would come here and pick them all up and she could get them well, shots, fixed ect. and find homes for them. That is what needs to be done but hubby says no way. I want to do it behind his back while he is at work but I am afraid of what he might do if I do this.
This is not fair to TyTy or James either cause they are alergic to these fleas too and they are tearing out their hair and have bumps all over their necks.
I know I know everyone who is reading this is probably screeming at me right now I am so tired of getting yelled at for this, its not my fault
Allison

samhainborn · Jul 20, 2010

I don't want to harp on you more than has already been done, but Allison sweetheart, you're being abused. To live in fear is not to live at all. If you cannot stand up for yourself, please, stand up for the sick kitties. Being the victim of abuse is not easy, and it's not something that's easy to walk away from or change. But I have to wonder why you are continuing to post here if you're not going to do anything. You're reaching out for support and help and encouragement, which is great and everyone here wants to help you and make this better. But if you do nothing, then we can do nothing at all.

Your health and the health of these cats is being jeopardized every day they are there without treatment. If they are ill and need care (which it sounds like they very much need) then it is not only your right but your responsibility to make sure they get the help they need. Every day that these cats go without medical attention puts their lives at risk, lets them suffer when they could be better, and puts your heath and the health of YOUR cats at risk. Not to mention the risk of additional pregnancies, since those kittens are just about ready to start breeding, themselves. Think about it, do you really need 3 more litters of kittens at once? How will you feed that many cats? How will you afford medical care for ALL of those cats? Every day you put this off is a day closer to a population explosion. Plus, cats that get pregnant at 4 months old often have miscarriages or other complications, including the death of the mother. Does your husband want to see them die?

It is time for you to step up and take some control, Allison. Is there one cat that he likes more than the others? How about keeping that one, but letting the SPCA lady take the rest of them for care? If this needs to be done while he's at work, then so be it. One thing that I learned in dealing with stubborn and special needs children may help you right now. Give them two choices. Don't ask "do you want to get rid of them?" Instead say "We can only keep one of these cats. Do you want to keep the mother cat or one of her kittens?" Set him up so that he feels like he has control over the decisions, but honestly YOU have the control because you're making him choose between two suitable options. It is like asking a child if they would rather load or unload the dishwasher -- neither choice is appealing, but they make the choice to do one or the other, and are more willing to do it because they've been given the choice.

Your husband unfortunately sounds like he's beginning to be a hoarder. Have you tried reminding him that if you get reported and investigated as a hoarder, you could lose ALL your cats, including the ones from before the feral? Your home could be condemned if the conditions are considered unsafe or unsanitary, and this odd flea that is causing this reaction sounds like it could be grounds for that.

Please, don't wait until a neighbor notices 60 cats hanging around your house, or people passing by on the street can smell the cat stench inside your home. If you do not do something now, it may be too late to do something later.

What you choose to do about your relationship with your husband is your own business. But those sick cats need somewhere to go right now. Take some control, find your courage, and do the right thing. for all those poor kitties, and that you find the strength to do what needs to be done.

farleyv · Jul 20, 2010

Originally Posted by SamhainBorn

I don't want to harp on you more than has already been done, but Allison sweetheart, you're being abused. To live in fear is not to live at all. If you cannot stand up for yourself, please, stand up for the sick kitties. Being the victim of abuse is not easy, and it's not something that's easy to walk away from or change. But I have to wonder why you are continuing to post here if you're not going to do anything. You're reaching out for support and help and encouragement, which is great and everyone here wants to help you and make this better. But if you do nothing, then we can do nothing at all.

Your health and the health of these cats is being jeopardized every day they are there without treatment. If they are ill and need care (which it sounds like they very much need) then it is not only your right but your responsibility to make sure they get the help they need. Every day that these cats go without medical attention puts their lives at risk, lets them suffer when they could be better, and puts your heath and the health of YOUR cats at risk. Not to mention the risk of additional pregnancies, since those kittens are just about ready to start breeding, themselves. Think about it, do you really need 3 more litters of kittens at once? How will you feed that many cats? How will you afford medical care for ALL of those cats? Every day you put this off is a day closer to a population explosion. Plus, cats that get pregnant at 4 months old often have miscarriages or other complications, including the death of the mother. Does your husband want to see them die?

It is time for you to step up and take some control, Allison. Is there one cat that he likes more than the others? How about keeping that one, but letting the SPCA lady take the rest of them for care? If this needs to be done while he's at work, then so be it. One thing that I learned in dealing with stubborn and special needs children may help you right now. Give them two choices. Don't ask "do you want to get rid of them?" Instead say "We can only keep one of these cats. Do you want to keep the mother cat or one of her kittens?" Set him up so that he feels like he has control over the decisions, but honestly YOU have the control because you're making him choose between two suitable options. It is like asking a child if they would rather load or unload the dishwasher -- neither choice is appealing, but they make the choice to do one or the other, and are more willing to do it because they've been given the choice.

Your husband unfortunately sounds like he's beginning to be a hoarder. Have you tried reminding him that if you get reported and investigated as a hoarder, you could lose ALL your cats, including the ones from before the feral? Your home could be condemned if the conditions are considered unsafe or unsanitary, and this odd flea that is causing this reaction sounds like it could be grounds for that.

Please, don't wait until a neighbor notices 60 cats hanging around your house, or people passing by on the street can smell the cat stench inside your home. If you do not do something now, it may be too late to do something later.

What you choose to do about your relationship with your husband is your own business. But those sick cats need somewhere to go right now. Take some control, find your courage, and do the right thing. for all those poor kitties, and that you find the strength to do what needs to be done.

Everything said here plus this....tomorrow night at 9 on Animal Planet is a show about a lady who has 260 cats. Now I know you are very, very far from that, but the mentallity that she has, it sounds like your husband has also.

Try and watch together. It may make him realize he is headed in that direction. Although, hoarders do not recognize it in themselves. But you have a right to a serene home and so do your other animals. He does not have all the rights.

Please stand up for these little ones. Break the mold. It's your home too. Stand up for yourself. Once you do it, it becomes easier.

What else can we offer but that. Life is too short. Way too short. Be these cats advocate. Be your own advocate. You have the power.

God bless you.

catsallaround · Jul 20, 2010

If your this afraid you may be able to contact police to look into any programs for emergency housing/asisstance. And a emergency intervention. Look I have many cats but when sick they go to vet if need be, advantage is applied as needed. These are going to start breeding with eachother soon

If theres no way you want to do that then drop subject and have 1 or two picked up every few days...Just tell him door was open or they knocked out screen. Ps advantage is over the counter or order it from online theres ways to do it CHEAPLY...

consumerkitty · Jul 20, 2010

Originally Posted by niquejp

This is not fair to TyTy or James either cause they are alergic to these fleas too and they are tearing out their hair and have bumps all over their necks. Allison

Are these your children?!? Please stand up to your husband and tell him you are getting help for this situation ASAP. Lots of courage vibes for you.

elayman · Jul 20, 2010

Originally Posted by catsallaround

I If theres no way you want to do that then drop subject and have 1 or two picked up every few days...Just tell him door was open or they knocked out screen.

That was what I was thinking as well. Your husband wants something he can use to control you. He obviously doesn't give a damn about the well-being of the cats but he does care everything about exerting dominance or power over something he really wants that you have refused to let him do or have.

It's going to be tricky that things have gone this far, but the most amicable resolution may be to try arranging something with the SPCA lady behind the scenes and act like you could care less in front of him. If you are afraid for yourself, call the police.

seattleeco · Jul 20, 2010

Is there a domestic violence advocacy group or women's shelter in your area? If you begin working with a friend, or even the animal shelter contact who knows you, they might be able to help advocate for you to find a safe place. It's true that it will probably take more time because so many DV services are woefully unprepared to provide what disabled clients need. Still, it sounds like you are in a bad place where your quality of life depends on the mood of your partner. Not good! (Trying not to preach, sorry; just worked with DV victims for awhile and want you to get out!!)

I also totally agree with the people who said you can claim the cats escaped -- though only do this if it's safe for you to say something like that.

Hugs to you.

rosiemac · Jul 21, 2010

Originally Posted by seattleeco

I also totally agree with the people who said you can claim the cats escaped -- though only do this if it's safe for you to say something like that.

While we feel for you in this situation the cats can't speak or help themselves, so you have to do that for them.

If you get the cats out into a no kill shelter, then you can concentrate on yourself and the situation with your husband, but please get the cats out asap.

niquejp · Jul 21, 2010

I shouldnt have posted this. I was just frustrated and needed to vent. but in type you cant really see the whole picture. Lots of people think my situation is abuse but a lot of it is my fault too. I am no angel and of course I leave that part out LOL
I had a great visit with my psyco therapist this morning and we spent the whole time talking about the whole situation. He says no that I am not in an abusive relationship. There is more to it than I can type, but sitting with him and talking got it ALL out.
Yes the cat situation is insane, but my hubby meant well. He had homes for 2 of them, but he kept saying, Im not ready yet, and I can understand, I am in love with the babbies too. But we waited to long and now they are sick. But we did get antibiotics for them all and I have an eye sav for the 2 who are having eye problems. So yes, we are taking care of them medically as we can. The advantage is pretty expensive when you have this many cats but friday hubby said he will try to buy as much as he can.
My thing is the feral mamma is un catchable. How on earth are we gonna get the advantage on her when you cant even look at her without her running? And no we cant trap her cause for one its been done to her and she would not be dumb enough to fall for it again and since we have so many we would catch the wrong cat LOL and we dont have a way to isolate her. Oh well, im sure we will figure something out.
The 2 ladies at his work that want the kittens know they are sick right now, but they still want them when they are well and hubby agreed that as soon as they are well they will go to these wonderful sweet ladies he has known for over 15 years. So then we have the other 2. They are healthy as can be but I am not getting any calls for them. I have them advertised in our paper and online.
Ok this is long enough. I do truly believe hubby has learned a big lesson here and we agree we are going to do all we can to get this house back to the way it was before the narcotic ferral nightmare entered our lives.
But dont be afraid, I am not being abused, he is just a grouch, but he is Jekyl and Hyde he can be the sweetest thing in the world. Like today he is being silly and sweet to me. so like my therapist said take him for the good and the bad. The main thing I have to remember is not to take it personal when he is in a bad mood. The poor man works very hard long hours in the heat then he has to come home and take care of my needs. I am completely disabled and can not do not do much for myself. Its a lot and he never gets a break.
Thank you all for your replies. sorry I sent off such worry.
I will quit complaining. and I will keep you all updated when the kitties leave.
Allison

threecatowner · Jul 21, 2010

Originally Posted by niquejp

I do truly believe hubby has learned a big lesson here and we agree we are going to do all we can to get this house back to the way it was before the narcotic ferral nightmare entered our lives.
But dont be afraid, I am not being abused, he is just a grouch, but he is Jekyl and Hyde he can be the sweetest thing in the world. Like today he is being silly and sweet to me. so like my therapist said take him for the good and the bad. The main thing I have to remember is not to take it personal when he is in a bad mood. The poor man works very hard long hours in the heat then he has to come home and take care of my needs. I am completely disabled and can not do not do much for myself. Its a lot and he never gets a break.

God forgive me for saying this, but this paragraph makes me nervous. I hope everything does work out. God Bless you!

catsallaround · Jul 21, 2010

advantage is NOT expensive if you split doses of the large dog one. Each tube has 4.0 ml a cat under 9 lbs needs .4 (notch under a 1/2 ml) a cat over 9 needs .8
Safe...I do this for my cats as needed and have over 20 adults and 9 kittens.

look into getting her trapped to be spayed and then vet can either apply a tube of advantage or whatnot when shes under. A cat can be trapped may take longer but can be done to get one you need.

I feel the same as threecatowner. making excuses for it all is questionable and just cause you need alot of care shouldnt opush him over. is there anyway you can get a health aide if even for a little? or maybe just a person you can train(cheaper if you can find someone you click with who may not have training but you can show them what you need non medically)if your disabled should be doable) I was one for a while.

catsallaround · Jul 21, 2010

umm what is it this cats touchable or not as you stated husband can so whats the big deal with the advantage?

taken from your other post

"She is sweet with my husband and he can pet her"

so its a dropper not like you have to find a vein to get it in...
Also I know you have a dislike of this cat(you've described her as "narcotic ferral nightmare" and few other terms) but keep in mind what she must have been exposed to to start warming up so fast to your husband shows more likely then not she had some good ppl interaction as SOME point in her life. what led to her being out and pregnant? how long has she been on her own looking for food/shelter...maybe with more litters....

ladyhitchhiker · Jul 21, 2010

Originally Posted by threecatowner

God forgive me for saying this, but this paragraph makes me nervous. I hope everything does work out. God Bless you!

Well I'm hoping her psychotherapist is right because my husband is like that too. He has a fast temper but he is fast to cool off. I have a long building temper that takes a long time to cool off after I'm royally miffed. And my husband is a more dominating partner in our relationship and likes to pretend that he's in control. I just let him pretend to be in control most of the time, and then when it's something important I put my foot down. That way he's more comfortable and I'm more comfortable because I don't like putting my foot down. Hey, different relationships work with different people.

niquejp · Jul 21, 2010

Man, I had the best day in over a year today, nothing but good things one after another. Hubby and I had a heart to heart. He finally opend up and cried and told me he is in love with them all and he was upset to have the spca lady take them all at once and he said he wants to know what kind of people are getting them. And the transitions will be easier if its one at a time. Well!!! Imediately I put 2 posts on craigslist one for the white girl and one for the boy, (they are not sick) 10 minutes later I got a call from a girl and they raced over here. We could not have written a list of what we wanted in a home for her and it IS this couple!! They squeeled in delight when they saw her and the husband had her mezmerized while we sat and talked. They are everything we could want for our baby. She stays at home and said this kitty will be spoiled rotten, and from the looks of it the spoiling started before they even walked out the door with her. I thought I was gonna cry and be sad, but no, I am so happy
! She is gonna be the center of attention and be loved and taken care of.
We had a couple calls for the boy but I am straight up with them, he is a character, and a clown and will entertain you all day and night, but if you want to cuddle, nope not him!! LOL I know he will find a home.
Anyway, my mood kinda went south when I got on here and read the negative posts from you guys. I dont understand what the "worry" is about. My thereapist was right, this man busts his butt and my thereapist asked me "what do you do for him" my answer is absolutely nothing!! I never talk about my part in it. If you knew me you would wonder why he even comes home some days!! But hey, we had a huge breakthrough today and I am hopeful we will build on it, and he said he will consider going to the thereapist with me. That says something.\\
Anyhoo.....thats it.\\\\
OH PS: I am sooooooo sorry I have been sooo hurtful and mean about Fluffy! I know she has had a hard life. I loved her from the begining and I still do, but instead of blaming my husband for this perdiciment I have been blaming her. She really is sweet as can be, ya just cant get near her. And I am mad cause she brought in an odd strain of flea that if you seen what it is doing to me you would gasp!! But yes, I am sorry and I will not call her names anymore. Soooo sorrry I did that. Please forgive me.
Alliso

n

farleyv · Jul 22, 2010

Please be very wary of people you do not know taking your cats. Ask for references and don't give over the kitten till you have checked them out. People can be very deceiving. What you see in a person, may be just a put on.

Always ask something for the kittens...do not give away free. If people want free kittens, chances are they can't afford to take proper care of them or want them for other reasons.

I cannot stress the above more. Personally, I would never put an animal on cl. I use it for inatimate objects.

I know you are going through a tough time, but maybe another venue for rehoming the kitties should be considered.

ladyhitchhiker · Jul 22, 2010

Sweetie please don't be offended by what people are saying here. When you label a thread as "Afraid of Husband" it puts a lot of people on edge. We are only trying to protect you. And all of us are trying to help you. That's all. Nobody here is trying to hurt you.

I wish you the best of luck with your kitty foster endeavours and adoptions. I'm so excited you found a great home for your first kitten.

catsallaround · Jul 22, 2010

not only refs these kittens should be going with some sort of contract that it will be fixed and what happens in case it dont work out(maybe in your case best to say it must go to xyz shelter not go "friend" to friend down a long line of housing.
I have adopted a few cats off cl.com...Never once asked for exp, ref, neuter contract...heck last few I got from one person were all pregnant and she didnt care much to even ask what are you going to do with kittens?

Shelter adoptions (the good shelter not the 25 and you photo id gets you any animal here) do the screening and some send animal home only fixed already(actually most by me do that)

Afraid Of Husband

niquejp

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samhainborn

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farleyv

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catsallaround

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consumerkitty

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elayman

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seattleeco

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rosiemac

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niquejp

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threecatowner

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catsallaround

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catsallaround

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ladyhitchhiker

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niquejp

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farleyv

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ladyhitchhiker

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catsallaround

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