(long)Very worried about my dear neighbor... What should I do???

My neighbor has become a dear friend to me, and my kitties adoptive grandmother...
Sadly she has Alzheimer's, and lately has been getting noticeably worse... I am not sure how to deal with this situation... Here is what is going on:
I started noticing that she was getting really bad right before my last trip, when I left her en-charged of pet-sitting for me; I typed all the instructions for feeding very clearly, and noticed that she could not comprehend it. Meaning: By the time she got to the end of each sentence, she could not understand what it meant - AT ALL. She was completely confused. Even with short sentences. She had no capacity for comprehension...
She has no memory.... Can't get words out...
Today she told me she needed to get cat food, so I came home to pick her up to go to the store... She said she was not feeling well, so she couldn't go. PROBLEM: She can not explain to me what she is feeling!! Is it in her head? no. Heart? no. Chest? no. "I just feel bad" she says...
(me)Ok... I will get you cat food...
I ask her if she needs Dry or wet - she doesn't know what I mean, and doesn't know how to explain. So, I try to explain to her that dry food comes out of a bag - She says she knows what a bag is, but has no idea what I am taking about, hasn't fed food out of a bad to her cats in ages, and doesn't know how to explain where the food comes from.
I ask - ok, one food is in the shape of little kibbles, and the other is like pate, like tuna.... which one are you talking about?
"I don't know.... I just need cat food... Whatever I give them they eat... I don't have a bag.... You know, forget it... I just can't take the words out of my mouth, I hate this part of my life."
So I decide to get them a selection of wet and bring them back.

I call her to tell her I got the food and that I will drop it off at her living room so she can feed the cats (they had had only a 3oz can ea to eat all day today), I have her keys.... I get there literally 2 minutes later and she already forgot!!
Now this takes the cake: I give her the receipt for the food $36 - she counts, recounts, and recounts the $$$... gives it to me. I get it, fold it and put it in my pocket... get home to find $66.

Ok... So...
The worst part of all: She is living ALONE. Her husband lives in his office, the daughter in her house, and the son in California. The husband checks on her every other day, but still! After what I saw today she can not be alone PERIOD.
I don't know what do...
What do I do????
The poor thing.... She is a brilliant woman... BIG TIME artist, wonderful person... and still very smart, but can not be alone!
Do you guys think her family spends so little time with her that they actually don't see it? Or they do and choose to just ignore it and leave her like that?
What about me, do I say something? do something?
I always offer to do groceries, get cat food, take her to places, and stuff like that... make her company, etc... But what else can I do???
I LOVE her!! She is my buddy!! HELP!!!
Anybody here dealing with the same situation??

Alzheimers is horrible. I watched both my parents die from cancer, my grandfather die because his body just gave out, and my grandmother die from Alzheimers, and that honestly was the worst. Thank god she has you. Do you have contact numbers for the husband and the daughter? They NEED to know what is going on because it's not your responsiblity to take care of her. I doubt that it's a case of not seeing it (family) but rather not WANTING to see it. As strange as it sounds, cancer is something you can try to fight...alzheimers...nothing can really be done.

It got to the point with my grandmother that my cousin had to call my aunt to come in town and do something. It was a nightmare. My granddad went into a nursing home and passed in 3 weeks but grandma stayed there for 4 years. I couldn't even go visit her after a while because she didn't know who I was.

My advice is to try to contact her family and let them know exactly what is going on. And, if you go back over, check her cabinets and see what she needs for yourself. Also, if you can make a few extra portions of something when you make dinner that would be helpful. It sounds like she is probably past the point of thinking about that. Basically, the only thing you can do for her is help her out. It's up to her family to make decisions.

Oh my goodness! Carolina! My mother in law is starting to do the same thing. Her husband, my FIL, is there, but he's an "engineer" type (hate to sterotype but) he doesn't engage her in a lot of communication. At Thanksgiving she only had to make the pies, and I couldn't even get her to talk for a couple of hours. It was like she just didn't know how to talk! I've never seen anything like this and it was so sad.

I know I'm not much help, but I do know what you're going through.

Is she on any medication to help slow the descent?

I really have nothing to offer... Alzheimers patients were a really big reason for why I didnt stay in CNA care...

I had a really long conversation one day with a very sweet lady there and she told me "Come back to see me, no one ever visits" so the next day I did and she had forgotten completely who I was. I never could work again after that...

It's a very hard thing to deal with and I commend you for your valient attempts and getting her the help she needs. I second that you need to contact her family and have a heart to heart with them about what you see and what is going on. Please do try to get her family to get her the proper care as I think it will be too much for you to handle on your own.

I think her family may not be realizing how bad it has gotten. Alzheimers can progress and with her family not being around, most likely she wasn't like this last time they saw her.
The only thing I can say is talk to them, explain to them everything you said here.
I agree alzheimers is a nightmare One of my grandparents' neighbors had it while I lived with them..It is honestly among the most scary diseases

Contact the family. They'll be the ones (likely the husband) who will have to do something. IF however you believe she is not getting medical treatment and is still left alone and possibly a danger to herself you may be able to contact your county's adult protective services to investigate the matter.

Originally Posted by Nekomania

Is she on any medication to help slow the descent?

I really have nothing to offer... Alzheimers patients were a really big reason for why I didnt stay in CNA care...

I had a really long conversation one day with a very sweet lady there and she told me "Come back to see me, no one ever visits" so the next day I did and she had forgotten completely who I was. I never could work again after that...

It's a very hard thing to deal with and I commend you for your valient attempts and getting her the help she needs. I second that you need to contact her family and have a heart to heart with them about what you see and what is going on. Please do try to get her family to get her the proper care as I think it will be too much for you to handle on your own.

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My grandma told me I was the nicest nurse that she ever had. She didn't even realize I was her grandchild. It's just heart breaking.

I don't know too much about this, since I'm new to the whole thing too, but I've seen commercials about drugs for early alzheimer's people. If you could get the family to get her to a doctor, the progressions might at least be stopped. I think I'm going to have to educate myself about this whole thing...no one else seems to want to believe it's true...

This doesn't sound like early Alzheimer's -- this sounds really serious. Is she in Dallas county? If so, there should be some good social services available, organizations that could send a social worker to evaluate her and get her on track to a better living situation. If you called Parkland Hospital, I bet they could point you to the right place.

I can't believe her husband has abandoned her like this! He actually lives in his office?

Try to talk with the family and also see if your community has a senior service s ... here it is called Sheba and they help family's find help or other services... note here they are not a state or county agency but a non profit

I dealt with this horrible disease before it had a proper name... I send you lots of hugs and strength ... My first friend came down with this when I was about 8 yrs old... FYI my grandma ran the nursing home kitchen and lived in the independent apartments so I grew up around alot of "older" folks and their ailments ...

I think you need to talk to her husband and daughter about what's happening - let them know what you're observing, and let them know you're helping out where you can but are very worried.

It sounds just like my husband's grandma - her Alzheimers progresses every time we see her to the point where she very rarely has lucid moments these days. She is in a specialty care facility where they are equipped for dealing with Alzheimers patients, and she's much better there.

That's where your neighbour needs to be, and maybe the family needs help accepting it. She's going to hurt herself before long

If you know the husband, do have a long talk with him, that is more than Alzhiemers, at least in my experience with it. I lost a dear friend to it and the progression was slower, and she was aware something was wrong but didn't know what. She always knew me but would sometimes grasp for names of both people and horses, and fortunately, I could help her through that. She slowly progressed to longer periods of forgetfulness/confusion to the point she confused one of my horses with one of hers, and got bit pretty badly. After that, her son kept her under supervision (no hubby, he died ages ago) and finally took her away to somewhere that she was safer than in her own home. This was 2002 - my friend died that year, but it took 4 more years for the body to follow. She was diagnosed as rapid decline, and it still took 4 years. My grandmother lasted 8 years and she didn't know me or anyone else. Uncle went the same way, and he lingered in a home for 12 years or better.

Sudden onset dementia is something that should be checked out immediately. May be anything from nutritional to a series of small strokes, so please, aprise the family of this.

Thank you guys for all the responses!!!

Originally Posted by calico2222

My advice is to try to contact her family and let them know exactly what is going on. And, if you go back over, check her cabinets and see what she needs for yourself. Also, if you can make a few extra portions of something when you make dinner that would be helpful. It sounds like she is probably past the point of thinking about that. Basically, the only thing you can do for her is help her out. It's up to her family to make decisions.

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Yep... Except I don't cook, but I guess I can manage to fit her groceries with mine for now on...

Originally Posted by kluchetta

Oh my goodness! Carolina! My mother in law is starting to do the same thing. Her husband, my FIL, is there, but he's an "engineer" type (hate to sterotype but) he doesn't engage her in a lot of communication. At Thanksgiving she only had to make the pies, and I couldn't even get her to talk for a couple of hours. It was like she just didn't know how to talk! I've never seen anything like this and it was so sad.

I know I'm not much help, but I do know what you're going through.

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It is Awful - really scary!!

Originally Posted by Nekomania

Is she on any medication to help slow the descent?

I really have nothing to offer... Alzheimers patients were a really big reason for why I didnt stay in CNA care...

I had a really long conversation one day with a very sweet lady there and she told me "Come back to see me, no one ever visits" so the next day I did and she had forgotten completely who I was. I never could work again after that...

It's a very hard thing to deal with and I commend you for your valient attempts and getting her the help she needs. I second that you need to contact her family and have a heart to heart with them about what you see and what is going on. Please do try to get her family to get her the proper care as I think it will be too much for you to handle on your own.

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She is being treated and is taken to the doctors often. On this point she is well taken care of.

Originally Posted by ut0pia

I think her family may not be realizing how bad it has gotten. Alzheimers can progress and with her family not being around, most likely she wasn't like this last time they saw her.
The only thing I can say is talk to them, explain to them everything you said here.
I agree alzheimers is a nightmare

One of my grandparents' neighbors had it while I lived with them..It is honestly among the most scary diseases

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You know, they do see her often, but they don't spend a lot of time with her... Her husband is here almost everyday, but he is here to pickup things, drop off things - today was chicken soup, as she was feeling bad... He IS very sweet... I am not sure what is going on there.... BUT... It is missing a piece of the puzzle, per se. They have been like this for many many years.

Originally Posted by strange_wings

Contact the family. They'll be the ones (likely the husband) who will have to do something. IF however you believe she is not getting medical treatment and is still left alone and possibly a danger to herself you may be able to contact your county's adult protective services to investigate the matter.

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She is getting excellent medical treatment - well, at this point if she is taking the pills, of course... I need to check on that tomorrow

Originally Posted by calico2222

My grandma told me I was the nicest nurse that she ever had. She didn't even realize I was her grandchild. It's just heart breaking.

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I know! Shewas telling me that her dad died and for many years didn't know who she was How sad is that....

Originally Posted by kluchetta

I don't know too much about this, since I'm new to the whole thing too, but I've seen commercials about drugs for early alzheimer's people. If you could get the family to get her to a doctor, the progressions might at least be stopped. I think I'm going to have to educate myself about this whole thing...no one else seems to want to believe it's true...

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She is on drugs, but early, I doubt it is - it is definitely progressing.

Originally Posted by CarolPetunia

This doesn't sound like early Alzheimer's -- this sounds really serious. Is she in Dallas county? If so, there should be some good social services available, organizations that could send a social worker to evaluate her and get her on track to a better living situation. If you called Parkland Hospital, I bet they could point you to the right place.

I can't believe her husband has abandoned her like this! He actually lives in his office?

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He has not abandoned her in the full extent of the word... He does live in the office, but he had already been living in there for many years... He comes here almost everyday to check on her needs, and do whatever - like run errands, drop food, and $$$. But he is around. I truly think he is not aware of how bad she is. But then I don't know.... Because they do go on trips from time to time.... He has GOT to notice!!

Originally Posted by sharky

Try to talk with the family and also see if your community has a senior service s ... here it is called Sheba and they help family's find help or other services... note here they are not a state or county agency but a non profit

I dealt with this horrible disease before it had a proper name... I send you lots of hugs and strength ... My first friend came down with this when I was about 8 yrs old... FYI my grandma ran the nursing home kitchen and lived in the independent apartments so I grew up around alot of "older" folks and their ailments ...

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Thank you Sharky

Originally Posted by sarahp

I think you need to talk to her husband and daughter about what's happening - let them know what you're observing, and let them know you're helping out where you can but are very worried.

It sounds just like my husband's grandma - her Alzheimers progresses every time we see her to the point where she very rarely has lucid moments these days. She is in a specialty care facility where they are equipped for dealing with Alzheimers patients, and she's much better there.

That's where your neighbour needs to be, and maybe the family needs help accepting it. She's going to hurt herself before long

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My neighbor is still very lucid, thank God! She is a smart lady! Like me, she is a Democrat in a heavily Republican area, so we get together a lot to talk politics, watch the news, etc... She is Lucid, bright, intelligent, still capable of making her decisions, etc, BUT - her reading comprehension is gone, she has a very hard time to get words out during a conversation (she knoews it and gets really frustrated about it), so you find yourself completing her sentences a lot... Her Memory is also realllyyyyy bad right now - short term memory. But make no mistake - this is not a demented person... not yet... we are not there yet.... I dread that day - I know she will get there. This is a weird horrible straight from hell disease...

Originally Posted by sk_pacer

If you know the husband, do have a long talk with him, that is more than Alzhiemers, at least in my experience with it. I lost a dear friend to it and the progression was slower, and she was aware something was wrong but didn't know what. She always knew me but would sometimes grasp for names of both people and horses, and fortunately, I could help her through that. She slowly progressed to longer periods of forgetfulness/confusion to the point she confused one of my horses with one of hers, and got bit pretty badly. After that, her son kept her under supervision (no hubby, he died ages ago) and finally took her away to somewhere that she was safer than in her own home. This was 2002 - my friend died that year, but it took 4 more years for the body to follow. She was diagnosed as rapid decline, and it still took 4 years. My grandmother lasted 8 years and she didn't know me or anyone else. Uncle went the same way, and he lingered in a home for 12 years or better.

Sudden onset dementia is something that should be checked out immediately. May be anything from nutritional to a series of small strokes, so please, aprise the family of this.

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I am not sure where you got the "sudden" from. This IS Alzheimer's, and she is not demented (at least not yet)... Please see the answer for the above quote...

I guess my question is... Would I be putting my nose into some business where I am not welcomed? I mean - by talking to the husband? Or the Daughter? They are VERY VERY nice people, and I know them both casually - the daughter better than the husband.... Would this be "none of my business"?
That is my question...

She needs a keeper - that is a fact... I don't think it is the case of going to a facility yet... no... she is capable of living in her house... She can do things on her own, but She DOES need a keeper, THAT is for SURE, like 2 + 2 = 4.

I know this might come out wrong so don't take it that way PLEASE...

But I don't think it would be rude to say that she needs someone to come check up on her more often. Suggest that she have help buying groceries, taking care of her cats, and organizing her life to a more set schedule. If they are open to the idea of getting her onto a routine to help control her forgetfulness maybe they would be open to the idea of you being the one to help. I am sure you may (or may not) work for far less than a typical home care provider would.

I only say this because this is how my mom got her last job as an in-home health aid for our lovely old neighbor who had a stroke one thanksgiving and needed help with daily chores around the house.

From the last thing that you said it sounds like her husband is trying his best to take care of her, perhaps your offer would help take stress off of him, and give you the peace of mind that you want.


Even if this doesn't appeal to you, I still think suggesting that she have more in-home help, structure, and stability would hurt in the least. They may appreciate your insight into the situation as an outsiders point of view can often be more enlightening.

Originally Posted by Nekomania

I know this might come out wrong so don't take it that way PLEASE...

But I don't think it would be rude to say that she needs someone to come check up on her more often. Suggest that she have help buying groceries, taking care of her cats, and organizing her life to a more set schedule. If they are open to the idea of getting her onto a routine to help control her forgetfulness maybe they would be open to the idea of you being the one to help. I am sure you may (or may not) work for far less than a typical home care provider would.

I only say this because this is how my mom got her last job as an in-home health aid for our lovely old neighbor who had a stroke one thanksgiving and needed help with daily chores around the house.

From the last thing that you said it sounds like her husband is trying his best to take care of her, perhaps your offer would help take stress off of him, and give you the peace of mind that you want.

Even if this doesn't appeal to you, I still think suggesting that she have more in-home help, structure, and stability would hurt in the least. They may appreciate your insight into the situation as an outsiders point of view can often be more enlightening.

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Thanks... This is a good idea...
I can definitely offer my help for now... while I am looking for a job, and unemployed - I do want to get back to my industry though, and that is far from it... But that is not to say that while I am unemployed I can help her a LOT.
If I go back to my industry, I can probably help her also, as I usually work from home... so I can keep an eye on things...
But things I can not do are things nurse/caregiver related... that I can't won't do it... Not my thing... But Helping her with everything else, absolutely.
Awww, and poor kitties - she has 2... Their litterboxes is a MESS. You can smell from the door. I think she goes weeks without cleaning... She forgets...
I wonder at this point if she forgets to feed the kitties. Heel, I wonder if She, herself, eats!
Oh boy, what a freaking messed up situation!
I think I will need to start going there everyday now to check on her, at least a few times a day - she scared me today.

Originally Posted by CarolPetunia

This doesn't sound like early Alzheimer's -- this sounds really serious. Is she in Dallas county? If so, there should be some good social services available, organizations that could send a social worker to evaluate her and get her on track to a better living situation. If you called Parkland Hospital, I bet they could point you to the right place.

I can't believe her husband has abandoned her like this! He actually lives in his office?

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I agree. This is much further progressed than early stage. My mom has Alzheimer's. Because we never got along and I was distanced from her emotionally, i saw it long before anyone else in my family did. Now that she's in the middle stages, they see it and there's no medication out there that can help at this point. She no longer drives (that's a whole story), and can barely cook, but my dad watches out as best he can. He's a civil engineer but works at home now. he sees it. he knows now.

From what you've said about your neighbor, Carolina, this is progressing a little differently than my mom. It just is that way. My grandfather, mom's dad, had it. He was early stage until the day he forgot who I was... that was when they knew he was progressing. He passed away a year later from his cancer. I hate to say it, but I almost wish she had something concrete like cancer... it's much easier, comparably, to deal with than Alzheimer's.

I don't think it's rude at all to sit down and talk to her family. Dropping food and money by daily is not taking care of her. Period. Eventually, she'll start wandering, and she'll possibly forget that something is in the oven or on the stove (smoke alarms and CO detectors are something the Alzheimer's Association highly recommends in these situations). If she smokes, she may forget to put out a ciggie butt. that has disastrous consequences for her and everyone in the building. if her family won't listen, find out about elder care, as someone else has suggested...

I'm just lucky my mother was forced to stop driving before she harmed anyone...

Good luck.

Originally Posted by carolinalima

But things I can not do are things nurse/caregiver related... that I can't won't do it... Not my thing... But Helping her with everything else, absolutely.

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Being that you don't have any training, you could even injure yourself.

However, household chores would be manageable. You mentioned her kitties - you could offer to clean out her litter box and make sure they're fed. If you can become good friends with her family you can hopefully get something done (and if you need future job references, they could help. You never know who knows someone).

If she's losing her reading comprehension, how does anyone know if she's taking her medication regularly?

Maybe the way to approach it is to ask her husband next time you see him if he would mind sharing the basics of her health with you since you are often there with her. Make sure he understands how much you do for her, and you would appreciate knowing a little more about her condition, and ask if they have any tips for you to be able to help her.

There are alot of different levels/stages they can go thru...some not so pretty as just forgetting things....My grandmother suffered from this for 10 yrs b4 she passed...it took everything from her( and her family)...She was lucky to get into a home that specialized in alzheimer's ...I had to stop visiting because she would get so upset thinking I was there to rob/hurt/kill her ..talk about sad...At times she would get so freaked out she would lash out and hit ppl...She was always going into the wrong room and trying to get outside...What a terrible illness...I prefer to remember her b4 she got ill...one of the most caring ppl I have ever known...
I think all u can do is inform the family ....and hope they do what's best for her...

What an awful situation. Having 2 grandparents with Alzheimer's and one with dementia I can relate a bit too.

I wonder if having a talk with her husband would help? I guess it would be one of those strike up a conversation and see how it goes type things. If she is already being treated for dementia/alzheimer's they have to know what is going on; but maybe need some help seeing that it has progressed. Many of the things you've mentioned are behaviors different ones of my Grandparents have shown.

Other than that I'd just try to stop in more often and see what you can do without offending her. (My one Grandmother hasn't lifted a dust rag in a couple years but insists she just did whatever chore you try to do for her. We sometimes sneak around to clean for her, sometimes we lie and say we just made a mess so we have to vacuum or whatever!) One thing I've noticed about most Alzheimer/Dementia patients (I also worked for a neurologist for a time) is that they may loose a lot of themselves, but they don't seem to loose their pride!

It wouldn't hurt to start checking out what services are available for her in your area too; should the need arise.