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Need to be cheered up...

post #1 of 28
Thread Starter 
For those of you that don't know, we are dealing with a terminally sick cat and I've been really sad and down in the dumps. Do any of you know of any funny stories or jokes that can make me laugh? Sorry this sounds odd... but I'm desperate here... i need to laugh.
post #2 of 28
Two apples are baking in an oven, one turns to the other and says "My, it is getting hot in here!" and the other apple says "OH MY! A TALKING APPLE!!!"
post #3 of 28
Pm, me friend.........

I´m really so sorry what have you passing...
post #4 of 28
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nes View Post
Two apples are baking in an oven, one turns to the other and says "My, it is getting hot in here!" and the other apple says "OH MY! A TALKING APPLE!!!"
Lol... thanks!
post #5 of 28
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?

WITNESS: He s aid, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: She had three children, is that correct?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

______________________________________
post #6 of 28
Hi Rachel. Well I cut a slice off my finger today while slicing a potato for frying. I bled all over a basket of clean laundry. Pretty dumb, eh?

The other day as I was taking the cats out into the yard I tripped over nothing and fell on top of them. Scared the daylights out of them, good thing the yard is fenced and they are harnessed!

Two weeks ago I broke a toe on my left foot when I tripped over the carpet. I was supposed to drive up to a barbecue at my sister's that day. I went to the urgent care place for the toe and they gave me a few pain pills.

I took a couple when I got home and about a half hour later realized I was in no condition to drive. I called my sister to tell her I wasn't coming. I said "Hi, I can't come today I broke my toe instead", and then laughed hysterically for 10 minutes.

Last week I bent over to pick up a cat dish, but forgot to close a cupboard door and when I stood up....you guessed it, I smashed the top of my head against the door.

Yesterday the handle of the bag I was carrying caught on the banister as I rushed down the stairs. I was jerked off my feet, and kind of hung there, stunned for a few seconds before I realized I wasn't at the bottom of the stairs in a heap after all. I was thankful for small favors.

Last month I was on my way to a meeting. There was oncoming traffic to my right as I pulled out of my driveway but the car was going slow and was far enough away. Unfortunately right after I pulled onto the road the baby bunny I've been watching growing up in my yard ran in front of me. I instinctively slammed the brake, forgetting about the on coming car. He bumped me, of course. Poor kid was a wreck. Bump from behind is always the bumper's fault. But who expects a car to pull out and stop short? He was so scared his parents would kill him.

I sure give my Guardian Angel a work out!

Hugs and head bumps from me and mine

xo
post #7 of 28
Thread Starter 
Thanks for the laughs. Otto, lol... you sound as clumsy as me. I'm always falling down the stairs and last night i also cut my finger dicing tomatoes for stir fry...
post #8 of 28
I have another really bad one for you:

Two cows are standing in the field chewing their cud. One turns to the other and says "Do you ever worry about Mad-cow disease?" and the other cow says "Why? I'm a duck".
post #9 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by rachelh1018 View Post
Thanks for the laughs. Otto, lol... you sound as clumsy as me. I'm always falling down the stairs and last night i also cut my finger dicing tomatoes for stir fry...
Oooh we can compare bandages, haha! I was bleeding like crazy, blood drops everywhere! Hope your finger is okay.

I'm getting a cramp in my hand from trying to keep it elevated while I type. I've got it wrapped in gauze.

A funny "stupid human trick" that always makes me laugh, even though it didn't happen to me. I have a friend who is an author, and she was on a deadline and working herself to death.

She took a break for a few minutes and used her exercise ball to stretch and relax. She fell asleep on the ball, rolled off the ball and cut her head on the coffee table. It's okay to laugh because she wasn't seriously hurt. I still giggle, thinking about it.
post #10 of 28
A grasshopper walks into a bar, saddles up and says "give me a beer". The bartender looks him up and down and says "you know, we have a drink named after you". The grasshopper gives him a puzzled look "You have a drink named Frank?"

(I know, it's an oldie!)
post #11 of 28
I can never remember the punchline of jokes but if you want to talk about funny injuries...
When I was a teenager I bent forward really fast so I could blowdry my hair upside down and smacked my forhead on the countertop and knocked myself out...Hey, maybe that's why I forget stuff!?
post #12 of 28
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by dandi View Post
I can never remember the punchline of jokes but if you want to talk about funny injuries...
When I was a teenager I bent forward really fast so I could blowdry my hair upside down and smacked my forhead on the countertop and knocked myself out...Hey, maybe that's why I forget stuff!?

Oh my... that sounds very painful!
post #13 of 28
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by otto View Post
Oooh we can compare bandages, haha! I was bleeding like crazy, blood drops everywhere! Hope your finger is okay.

I'm getting a cramp in my hand from trying to keep it elevated while I type. I've got it wrapped in gauze.

A funny "stupid human trick" that always makes me laugh, even though it didn't happen to me. I have a friend who is an author, and she was on a deadline and working herself to death.

She took a break for a few minutes and used her exercise ball to stretch and relax. She fell asleep on the ball, rolled off the ball and cut her head on the coffee table. It's okay to laugh because she wasn't seriously hurt. I still giggle, thinking about it.

Haha... yeah my finger is alright.. a little sore and annoying because i keep knocking things against it... but it's ok. Your poor friend.. lol!
post #14 of 28
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by rachelh1018 View Post
Haha... yeah my finger is alright.. a little sore and annoying because i keep knocking things against it... but it's ok. Your poor friend.. lol!

Ohh I forgot to add... I have carpet burn and a bruise on my wrist from falling down the stairs the other night...
post #15 of 28
post #16 of 28
Even if you don't like babies .. you can't NOT laugh at this one!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yE6PNps5N9I
post #17 of 28
well...if we're giving youtube links (I thought that wasn't allowed?)

this is my favorite. I can watch it a million times and still laugh every time. It's the funniest thing I ever saw. I love the way the two stop and stare at the third......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YLDbGqJ2KYk
post #18 of 28
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by otto View Post
well...if we're giving youtube links (I thought that wasn't allowed?)

this is my favorite. I can watch it a million times and still laugh every time. It's the funniest thing I ever saw. I love the way the two stop and stare at the third......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YLDbGqJ2KYk
Poor little guy!
post #19 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by otto View Post
well...if we're giving youtube links (I thought that wasn't allowed?)
You can, but you have to make sure that the content is appropriate, including the comments.
post #20 of 28
A 3 yr old told me this..
Knock knock

Whos there

Joe

Joe who?

Joe Momma!

Cheesey I know but it makes me laugh
post #21 of 28
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by 3CatsN1Dog View Post
A 3 yr old told me this..
Knock knock

Whos there

Joe

Joe who?

Joe Momma!

Cheesey I know but it makes me laugh

Lol that's cute!
post #22 of 28
I work with special needs kids. I spent many years as a job coach for developmentally disabled young people 17-21, in a special program designed to help them transition from their school days into the adult world.

One day I was (I found out later) coming down with a very serious illness and was feeling a little grouchy. I'm usually pretty patient with my kids, but I must have been barking a bit, because as we stood waiting for the bus (on our way back from the job site they were working at) the kids were getting silly, telling jokes and stuff and one young woman turns to me and said "Ms S- why did the chicken cross the road?" I said "I give up" and A said "because the teacher TOLD it to!"

I laughed so hard at that, I'm not even sure if she realized how funny it was. I'm sure the joke came out of me being so grouchy and bossy, but I don't think she realized that. (she wasn't much for subtleties)

Anyway, it doesn't seem to translate as funny on paper. oh well I tried. LOL!

(as it turned out I was coming down with pneumonia and missed the end of the school year that year)
post #23 of 28
This is my FAVORITE laughing baby video to watch!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yo3F6ciKXuA

He sounds like a little old man
post #24 of 28
Well, you know those trays they have in some stores with a little sign that says "if you have a penny, leave a penny, if you need a penny take a penny?" This is a true story that happened to my mom. She was in the general store near her house and the cashier gave her back some pennies in change. She saw a cup sitting on the counter. "Here you can have these," she told the cashier, dropping the pennies in the cup. The cashier stared at her, shocked. Then my mom realized what she'd done...it wasn't a cup for pennies at all...she'd dropped her change into the cashier's coffee. She was so embarassed that she left without saying anything to the cashier. Later, she went back and offered to buy the woman another cup of coffee. I've never let her live it down.
post #25 of 28
LOL! Hilarious! thanks for the laugh!
post #26 of 28
I did that - in a totally different way. I had just graduated high school, and was visiting my older brother in NY City for the first time. We were down in the village walking around, and someone apparently homeless asked if I had any spare change. I took whatever I had out of my pocket and dropped it in his cup. He yelled as I walked away - "Hey, that was my coffee!" I was too embarrased to go back and do anything or say anthing.

***************************

post #27 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by otto View Post
I work with special needs kids. I spent many years as a job coach for developmentally disabled young people 17-21, in a special program designed to help them transition from their school days into the adult world.
I worked with the person that did this for two years while in high school (initially went to college to train to become a special ed teacher - ended up changing majors, but that's a different story). With this person, we recruited a number of others to help start a Special Olympics program for the kids in the special needs program.

We did a lot of training - and went to local, city - and then the State Olympics. It was a long weekend with us and the kids - we had to take a tour bus down to the State Capitol. On the bus ride down, one of the kids leans over and whispers to me while pointing at one of the 50+ kids on the bus and says, "I think she's mentally retarded."

....He wasn't saying it in a derogatory way - simply "informing" me. Maybe it's just funny in the context of the situation - but how did he pick out that particular individual - when ALL of them were developmentally challenged? We'll never know. It was so difficult not to laugh at the time it happened!
post #28 of 28
You've probably heard this one, but....

How do you keep an idiot busy for an hour?
Give him a piece of paper with "please turn over" written on it.

I really like this one:

What do you get when you cross The Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.



A good Albert Einstein quote:

"Put your hand on A hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity."
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