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Oh boy! She did it on purpose.

post #1 of 25
Thread Starter 
A couple of months ago I posted about my great-nephew Max and trying to get custody of him. Long story short we didn't get him. So...my oh so sweet and loving mildly autistic daughter took it upon herself to "give" us a baby.
The day we found out we wouldn't be getting Max there were lots of tears all around and my daughter suggested she give us a baby. I was like...NO you shouldn't do that, it's hard on your body to have a baby and George and I would be just as loving together without a baby. Well....she went and did it anyway. I'm 99% sure that she's pregnant. While I love her to bits and I understand where her thinking was coming from I'm not totally sure what to do. She won't be able to care for this baby, we will definitely have to raise it, which is fine, I'm just not sure she's ready for what's going to happen to her body.

I'll be taking her to planned parenthood for an official test next week. Then I guess I need to talk to a lawyer.

Oh yeah..because of her autism she will be most likely living with me the rest of her life so the child will know it's birth mother. This is just sooooo weird!!!
post #2 of 25
I'm really sorry this happened. It sounds like there are going to be some hard decisions to make.

I hate to ask especially given that it's too late - but is there a reason she wasn't on some type of birth control? Perhaps it's something to discuss at Planned Parenthood so you're prepared for what to do after she has the baby or has an abortion, if that's something you're considering. (I don't mean to offend).

It sure sounds like you hope she's not pregnant, so I'm sending vibes to that effect.

Laurie
post #3 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by badgeygirl View Post
A couple of months ago I posted about my great-nephew Max and trying to get custody of him. Long story short we didn't get him. So...my oh so sweet and loving mildly autistic daughter took it upon herself to "give" us a baby.
The day we found out we wouldn't be getting Max there were lots of tears all around and my daughter suggested she give us a baby. I was like...NO you shouldn't do that, it's hard on your body to have a baby and George and I would be just as loving together without a baby. Well....she went and did it anyway. I'm 99% sure that she's pregnant. While I love her to bits and I understand where her thinking was coming from I'm not totally sure what to do. She won't be able to care for this baby, we will definitely have to raise it, which is fine, I'm just not sure she's ready for what's going to happen to her body.

I'll be taking her to planned parenthood for an official test next week. Then I guess I need to talk to a lawyer.

Oh yeah..because of her autism she will be most likely living with me the rest of her life so the child will know it's birth mother. This is just sooooo weird!!!
Hi.... I don't really know what to say to this one... So... your daughter will be your surrogate mother? Is that the reason for the lawyer?
post #4 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by LDG View Post
I'm really sorry this happened. It sounds like there are going to be some hard decisions to make.
Laurie
Follow at your heary my friend...
I´ll be praying for you can make a wise decision.....
post #5 of 25
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by carolinalima View Post
Hi.... I don't really know what to say to this one... So... your daughter will be your surrogate mother? Is that the reason for the lawyer?
Basically yes, that is her plan, she wants us to raise this baby, in her mind what she's done is a gift to us. It's hard to explain her thinking since she doesn't quite think like the rest of us.

In one way I'm happy that George and I will have a baby to raise since neither one of us can have anymore children. In another I'm just speechless that she did this.


As to the question about birth control, she had been on the depo shot. It had worn off and we were giving her body a few cycles before getting it again. From now on...no letting it wear off after this. She's really smart, just thinks different and she knew exactly when to be with a man. It was seriously only once. Wily kid!

Guess I'm gonna be a mommy this spring.
post #6 of 25
Oh, wow!
Many many vibes for you and your family, for a happy and healthy baby!
post #7 of 25
Wow…pretty intense. You must be a great Mom for your daughter to want to give you such a huge “giftâ€. Good luck with everything, sounds like you’re in for quite a ride. I don’t know anything about this, and its none of my business, but if you’re talking to a lawyer, I would find out what your rights are of the biological father wants in.

Good luck!! Sounds like your going to have to make some tough choices, but its exciting as well.
post #8 of 25
I'm sorry to offend you---if this comes out the wrong way.
Quote:
In one way I'm happy that George and I will have a baby to raise since neither one of us can have anymore children. In another I'm just speechless that she did this.
but, I think this is being selfish.Your daughter has a handicap.WHY would you want to put someone that has a hard time in life,go through something as traumatic to your body as having a baby?
I AM NOT for abortion---unless it is for the right reason.
As for her knowing when was the "right time" to be with a man, sorry but I think she would have had to have been told/cohersided into it.How do you know it was ONLY once? Why was she even allowed to have sex? As for complications of the depo,there are shots that she could have gotten.BCPs that she could have taken.
Autism makes children/adults have slower capabilities than those without it.
What are you going to do, should the baby also have autism? If she should have complications over being pg? During labor?
Again, I am sorry to offend.But, I really feel because of your selfishness---your daughter is now going to have to go through something--she never should have had to.
What are you going to do, if she gets pg again---to give you another baby?
I'm sorry---but IMO---this is soooooooooooooo wrong.
post #9 of 25
I think you can be for abortion and still not support it when dealing with a member of your family. I think in this case it would almost be harder for your daughter to have an abortion, if you are prepared to care for the resulting child (obviously you've already raised one autistic child & are prepared for that!) I don't really see an issue. Obviously the unborn child's welfare is the most important of all.

When it comes to BC you can't force it unless you're prepared to sterilize and that is a human right issue. Same with not allowing her to have sex.
post #10 of 25
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by crittermom View Post
I'm sorry to offend you---if this comes out the wrong way.

but, I think this is being selfish.Your daughter has a handicap.WHY would you want to put someone that has a hard time in life,go through something as traumatic to your body as having a baby?
I AM NOT for abortion---unless it is for the right reason.
As for her knowing when was the "right time" to be with a man, sorry but I think she would have had to have been told/cohersided into it.How do you know it was ONLY once? Why was she even allowed to have sex? As for complications of the depo,there are shots that she could have gotten.BCPs that she could have taken.
Autism makes children/adults have slower capabilities than those without it.
What are you going to do, should the baby also have autism? If she should have complications over being pg? During labor?
Again, I am sorry to offend.But, I really feel because of your selfishness---your daughter is now going to have to go through something--she never should have had to.
What are you going to do, if she gets pg again---to give you another baby?
I'm sorry---but IMO---this is soooooooooooooo wrong.
First off, she is MILDLY autistic, very mild. She's got a near genius IQ and she knows exactly what she's doing. She just doesn't function socially like most people. As for my "selfishness" I told her several times that George and I will be wonderfully happy with no children. She WANTS to do this. As for her body changing, she's totally aware of everything that could happen, from miscarriage to toxemia to diabetes. We've had several discussions about does she really want to do this and she knows the options. I've offered to let her terminate. I can't make her terminate, just like I could ask her to do this, she CHOSE to do this and she's very happy about it, happier than I've seen her in a long time. So we will do everything to make sure this baby is healthy as is she as the pregnancy progresses and will lovingly accept this HUGE gift form her.
post #11 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by badgeygirl View Post
First off, she is MILDLY autistic, very mild. She's got a near genius IQ and she knows exactly what she's doing. She just doesn't function socially like most people. As for my "selfishness" I told her several times that George and I will be wonderfully happy with no children. She WANTS to do this. As for her body changing, she's totally aware of everything that could happen, from miscarriage to toxemia to diabetes. We've had several discussions about does she really want to do this and she knows the options. I've offered to let her terminate. I can't make her terminate, just like I could ask her to do this, she CHOSE to do this and she's very happy about it, happier than I've seen her in a long time. So we will do everything to make sure this baby is healthy as is she as the pregnancy progresses and will lovingly accept this HUGE gift form her.
If she chose to do this, why the lawyer?
What are you going to do if she wants to keep the child? Force her to give it up? Because if you are looking for a lawyer... you must be thinking about writing a contract?
post #12 of 25
Thread Starter 
I'm not forcing her to do anything she doesn't want to do, but she wants us to have the baby and there are things that we would need to have legal guardianship at least to do. Take it to a doctor, enroll in school. We just want everything to be legal.

If she chooses to be the mommy..so be it. She still lives with me and I can be the doting Grandma...I don't care either way, I'm going with what she wants.
post #13 of 25
That's good to know... I think you will end up being a grandma .
Again, vibes for all of you
post #14 of 25
This thread makes me feel weird for your daughter. Who did she even have sex with? Is she in a relationship? Are you concerned how she got pregnant so fast and whom she chose to get her that way?

I am sorry if you already went through these concerns as I have not read everything.

My biggest concern is who the heck gets a young girl preggo on demand? If I were a mother, that would give me the willies.
post #15 of 25
Thread Starter 
The young man that she was with is someone she's been with off and on for a couple of years. He lives about 3 hours away and had come up here to pick up another friend to bring him back home, since it's a long drive he spent the night. That's when the opportunity arose for her. She admits that actually getting pregnant on the first try was just pure luck, but she's really happy that it worked.

So it's not an instance where she asked him to do it. She just took advantage of an opportunity when it arose. I very much like this young man, but she had a pregnancy scare with him over a year ago and when she told him, he totally flaked and wouldn't speak to her for close to six months. We haven't decided what to do this time since it's so early yet.
post #16 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by crittermom View Post
I'm sorry to offend you---if this comes out the wrong way.

but, I think this is being selfish.Your daughter has a handicap.WHY would you want to put someone that has a hard time in life,go through something as traumatic to your body as having a baby?
I AM NOT for abortion---unless it is for the right reason.
As for her knowing when was the "right time" to be with a man, sorry but I think she would have had to have been told/cohersided into it.How do you know it was ONLY once? Why was she even allowed to have sex? As for complications of the depo,there are shots that she could have gotten.BCPs that she could have taken.
Autism makes children/adults have slower capabilities than those without it.
What are you going to do, should the baby also have autism? If she should have complications over being pg? During labor?
Again, I am sorry to offend.But, I really feel because of your selfishness---your daughter is now going to have to go through something--she never should have had to.
What are you going to do, if she gets pg again---to give you another baby?
I'm sorry---but IMO---this is soooooooooooooo wrong.
Whoa! You should ask some questions and get more information instead of just blasting away.

First of all, I don't believe the OP told us her daughter's age, you're just assuming she's a young girl who cannot be held responsible for her own actions. Even if she is young, the fact that she knew exactly when she could get pregnant does not indicate coercion. I would say that it indicates the OP is a responsible parent who educated her daughter in the realities of life. I wish more people would do that. I see far to many pregnant teenager who never even considered it could happen to them.

You also need to learn more about autism. Many autistic people are highly intelligent. Their brains function differently from the majority of people but it does not mean they are slower or less capable.
post #17 of 25
Yikes..If that is your problem, the cat site is not your answer? Thats deep.
post #18 of 25
Thread Starter 
Because I did forget to tell her age, my daughter is almost 23. That should take some concerns off of everyone.
post #19 of 25
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by binkyhoo View Post
Yikes..If that is your problem, the cat site is not your answer?
Not sure what you mean by this.
post #20 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by binkyhoo View Post
Yikes..If that is your problem, the cat site is not your answer?
Why not?


This is the Lounge, people are welcome to share and discuss what they feel comfortable in doing

It's not all about cats.....
post #21 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoldyCat View Post
Whoa! You should ask some questions and get more information instead of just blasting away.

First of all, I don't believe the OP told us her daughter's age, you're just assuming she's a young girl who cannot be held responsible for her own actions. Even if she is young, the fact that she knew exactly when she could get pregnant does not indicate coercion. I would say that it indicates the OP is a responsible parent who educated her daughter in the realities of life. I wish more people would do that. I see far to many pregnant teenager who never even considered it could happen to them.

You also need to learn more about autism. Many autistic people are highly intelligent. Their brains function differently from the majority of people but it does not mean they are slower or less capable.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Snake_Lady View Post
Why not?


This is the Lounge, people are welcome to share and discuss what they feel comfortable in doing

It's not all about cats.....
to both posts.
post #22 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by badgeygirl View Post
First off, she is MILDLY autistic, very mild.
Why even mention she is autistic? I keep re-reading your post and I can't figure out if you are asking for vibes, help, advice or to brag? I wish the best for that baby.
post #23 of 25
badgeygirl - Do you mind me asking what type of autism she was diagnosed with? I'll hazard a guess myself at either high functioning, aspergers, PPD, or NLD if she's as mild as you claim.

If so, or even if not, have you ever found or heard of the WrongPlanet forums? You might find people who are more understanding there.


For those that don't know, those that are very high functioning are, as said, pretty much normal people. The only thing that really becomes a problem for them is some day to day responsibilities that many take for granted - like paying bills, living on their own, or even holding down a job. Some other differences are varying degrees of social ineptitude/missing non verbal cues, not making eye contact, fidgeting/stimming - depending on how well one controls it in public, and the area of interests that are very much like obsessions - a person may know all about a specific thing(s).

Very likely some of you have met people who are autistic. Unless you spend a lot of time around them you probably won't notice or just think they're a little eccentric.


badgeygirl - Whichever way this goes, I wish you good luck. I'm sure your daughter's heart was in the right place. Again, check out WrongPlanet and similar communities if you wish to find individuals who are more understanding - as many say, neurotypicals don't get it.
As for how I know about WP - I could probably get an AS diagnosis if I decided to pursue it..
post #24 of 25
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by strange_wings View Post
badgeygirl - Do you mind me asking what type of autism she was diagnosed with? I'll hazard a guess myself at either high functioning, aspergers, PPD, or NLD if she's as mild as you claim.

If so, or even if not, have you ever found or heard of the WrongPlanet forums? You might find people who are more understanding there.


For those that don't know, those that are very high functioning are, as said, pretty much normal people. The only thing that really becomes a problem for them is some day to day responsibilities that many take for granted - like paying bills, living on their own, or even holding down a job. Some other differences are varying degrees of social ineptitude/missing non verbal cues, not making eye contact, fidgeting/stimming - depending on how well one controls it in public, and the area of interests that are very much like obsessions - a person may know all about a specific thing(s).

Very likely some of you have met people who are autistic. Unless you spend a lot of time around them you probably won't notice or just think they're a little eccentric.


badgeygirl - Whichever way this goes, I wish you good luck. I'm sure your daughter's heart was in the right place. Again, check out WrongPlanet and similar communities if you wish to find individuals who are more understanding - as many say, neurotypicals don't get it.
As for how I know about WP - I could probably get an AS diagnosis if I decided to pursue it..

She was diagnosed as AS (Asberger's) and yes she's a little eccentric. I'm not looking for more understanding. But I might turn her onto WrongPlanet and see if she wants to join it.
post #25 of 25
I have a friend who has asperger's, he is in college about to graduate with an engineering degree at the top of his class and just got diagnosed although he has had this his entire life without knowing...so it's not like this type of autism is what we typically think of autism where we have an adult who is at the mental state of a child..
I think your daughter acted a little immaturely (I'm assuming she's an adult)..I don't think it's very wise to make such decisions without discussing thoroughly with you and your husband. But I hope it all turns out for the best
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