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He left. - Page 2

post #31 of 56
I know exactly how you are feeling. My ex pretty much did the same thing, but we owned a business together, so let me tell you that was fun! My life has gotten so much better, Great man, going to school in the fall, ex is miserable!!!! The next while will be hard, but know that it will get better. I really found comfort in my animals, they love you unconditionally! Start by loving yourself, and don't look back, you will be better off in the long run. Good luck if you need anything, ASK!! & many hugs.
post #32 of 56
With all the excellent advice in this thread, I'm not going to try to add to it or reiterate it, just give you major and assure you that we're here to listen whenever you need it -- we have broad shoulders.
post #33 of 56
Monica,
I know exactly how you feel... I was also left by my ex-husband; he didn't even tell me why - told me he didn't need to tell me why... IMO he had issues with depression and commitment, and saw no way but to leave the marriage.
Here is what I can tell you - you don't see it this way right now; you probably see like there is no life out there without him, but I PROMISE you that this is a good thing, and you will be way happier and stronger in the long run.
If he was not happy, and depressed, he was not making you happy either. I suspect he was not giving you the love and companionship you deserve... So, by leaving he is actually giving you the opportunity to find someone who truly loves and appreciates you.
You will be fine... Today I say that my divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me... I am sooooo much better of without him! There is nothing worst than to beg for love, and that is how my relationship with him was...
For now, no matter what, DO NOT FEEL LIKE A FAILURE. I know there is a huge stigma about divorce, but hold your head up and know that the people who loves you only care about your happiness and well being... ASK FOR HELP - there is nothing wrong in asking for help, and family and friends are there for that.
And last but not least...... DO NOT TRY TO UNDERSTAND HIM - this will drive you nuts, and will be a waste of your time. You need to think about yourself right now - it is all about you, you, and you.
You can do it - you will do it
post #34 of 56
I can add nothing to what has been said, but I do believe you wil get through this, taking one day at a time, don't get overwhelmed by trying too much too soon. But do something every day towards your future. And allow yourself to cry, to rant, to scream occasionally. It will do you good. So many of us have been there, we are here for you.
post #35 of 56
I feel so sad for you There's not much that anybody can really say when something like this happens, and of course you don't know me, so all I can offer is my prayers and
post #36 of 56
You have so many amazing supporters on here you may not even get a chance to read this...im long winded (your forewarned! LOL!).

Without giving a run down of all my life experiences I can say that I have "carried" more than so many friends of mine have and I ask God daily WHYYYYY, whats the plan here, purpose? Im not still sure but I know that I will know why one day. What I can say is that A. Ive been on BOTH sides of this EXACT situation. B. You WILL do it, get through C. BEST ADVICE EVER "Fake it till you make it", be it in your job, life, whatever....it works! (not saying be a liar by ANY MEANS).

AlphaCat i believe has made THE BEST point thus far. You should want to stay in and be with someone who is only helping you grow as a person, values the same things that you do, is your "soft spot" to land when you come home. Sometimes in life when end up not growing together in life we wind up looking back and realize just how far apart we’ve grown, most times not even realizing it just simply because life, kids, school, work, etc.. get in the way. This is why it is so very important to truly KNOW yourself, REALLY KNOW yourself prior to marriage. I, along with so many girls, had to learn this the hard way as I was engaged at 18, married by 20. As silly as it sounds, I LOVE the movie Runway Bride and always encourage the young girls that I mentor to watch it as it truly has profound meaning through it’s silliness.

The point that I am making, or trying to make is that there is nothing that you can do to make someone love you or even like you. SOOO many miss this GREAT GIFT they are given when things like this happen and they want their friends and family to make them feel better. That is WONDERFUL to have support and love but just remember to not rely on it fully as you will, as painful as this sounds, YOU WILL HURT until it clicks one day with you “hey, im ok and EVEN BETTER ON MY OWNâ€. When this happens you will re—invent YOU, you will find YOURSELF again and THEN out of NOWHERE there will be this amazing person that appears in your life when you focus on you, let go of him and worry about nothing more than your own happiness. AS CRAZY AS IT SEEMS its true, show yourself some attention, BE SELFISH and you are going to be AMAZED at what happens! Hell, he may even want YOU BACK (hopefully you wont let that happen-but its your call). I know its hard to think of right now but I swear on everything it works. Now I have read some posts here that I just want to SCREAM OMG, ARE YOU SERIOUS but I mind my own business. At this point in your life you’ve been handed this gift to start over (as bad as it sucks with the immediate needs you WILL wake up daily AND SOMEHOW DAILY it just works, just don’t think past that for now). Ive read so much about blame, keeping in mind there are ALWAYS 3 sides to every story, his, her’s and then the truth. Just try to not let the overwhelming support become your only crutch because that’s a bad road to head down and it doesn’t show for much integrity when folks are just handed things…you are better than that, stronger.

As far as the relationship goes and him just walking away, that’s his own pain to carry. Its NOT ALWAYS because your not attractive, smart, doesn’t love you, etc… For example, ive met the most amazing man. If this person said, hey, lets leave tonight to Vegas to marry, I would NO QUESTIONS. Ive NEVER known that, thought that I had, but not this. If your religious theres a verse in the bible in I Corinthians that describes real love and what its supposed to and not supposed to be “love is patient, love is kind, ….†FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, this relationship fits every single line to that scripture. If your current life and love doesn’t it’s a gift for you because someone up above thinks YOU and YOUR KIDS ARE DESERVING OF BETTER! I bring my bf up because he had to walk out of his marriage not so long ago not because there was an affair as she claimed, not because there was abuse as she claimed or so on. His ex has said the most slanderous things about him and he just holds his head up. He is a man of moral integrity, value and so on. Of course, I am like, WHAT, WHY ARE YOU NOT STOPPING THIS, ETC..?? He just simply say’s, patiently, she will be “seenâ€, eventually, for how she is and what she is and he lets it go. He has paid for so much for her to get her life in order for so long but of course is unappreciative, thankful for it. THIS IN FACT WAS THE REASON he left. He knew that with his being in her life that he was in turn, somehow actually “de-motivating†her to be the person that she COULD be but didn’t want to be knowing that she could sit around and live off of him. He so many times encouraged her to do things, not even for money, just for her own betterment, she didn’t. Even after the divorce when he supported her for so long she STILL didn’t take advantage of the situation until the VERY VERY last second then blamed him again, it was sickening to me but again, to him, he patiently stood by. He is a much better person than I. He still every so often says he hopes for the best for her, wishes her well and hopes that she finally will get the gumption she needs to do for herself, maybe being on her own will indeed do this. Its taken a while for me to “get it†but he’s right. I realized its not, in some situations that its just a nasty selfish thing but in fact you can turn around ANY SITUATION and see the positives in it. Maybe he loves you enough to let you go and prosper? If you think about it in these terms and KNOW that regardless your going to be happy as soon as you’re a little selfish, your going to look back after taking each day step by step and say wow, who was that person, im so glad I found ME AGAIN!

Again, sorry to be long winded its just working with so many girls as a mentor i try to show them that ONLY WHEN they learn confidence, love themselves, support themselves can they love again and KNOW they'll be okay in ANY situation! :-)
post #37 of 56
Because so many people have already said the things I would want to, I'm just going to send lots of hugs, because you need them right now.






Laurie
post #38 of 56
Thread Starter 
I just wanted to let everyone know that I read everything that everyone said, and I really appreciate all of your advice and support. It is difficult to take it all in right now. I think I am still in shock.

I have no idea what I am going to do in the long run. I am trying to just take it day by day and worry about the near future, about being able to pay my rent and car payment (the other bills can and will have to go into default if I cannot pay them, I haven't got a choice, but they won't disconnect anything right away... It is horrible to say that. It makes me want to throw up because I have never done that before).

My immediate family (parents) are not able to help financially. They filed bankruptcy a few years ago and my father makes just enough money to pay their bills and eat healthy food and to support my little sister (she is 14 and lives with them of course). They are doing fine but they do not have much in the way of extra money and cannot loan me any. I have never had to ask anyone for money before, and I thought it would be really difficult, but I called my grandpa and asked if I could borrow the money to pay my rent and car payment while I look as hard as I can for a job.

He said yes, yes, yes, and he loved me so much and he was so sorry. He made me feel so good. He said one of the nicest things that anyone had said so far, he said that Steve was lucky to have me, because I was smart and pretty and helpful and motivated and talented and Steve would never find anyone who could give him as much love as I could. It made me cry again, but it made me feel so good.


So I am not doing well, I can't say that, but I have to believe that I will be okay. I don't know what else to do. I will tell the whole story if anyone wants in PM, or vent more, but I don't want to do it here. I just wanted all of you WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL people to know that nothing worse has happened yet and I am not in danger of losing my place and I have some good friends who are trying very hard to help me find work and get me through this.

I don't know where I would be without people like you guys and my friends and family and my precious, wonderful cats.


Thank you so much, TCS.
post #39 of 56
Your grandfather sounds like a good guy. Very glad you have his support!
post #40 of 56
Your grandpa sounds like a wonderful man!

I can understand your not wanted to continue to post all the details, but I do hope you'll pop on now and again and tell us how you're getting on.
post #41 of 56
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by clixpix View Post
Your grandpa sounds like a wonderful man!

I can understand your not wanted to continue to post all the details, but I do hope you'll pop on now and again and tell us how you're getting on.
Of course I will.
post #42 of 56
What a great great Grandpa, he sounds like a wonderful person

Still thinking of you and sending you good vibes Monica
post #43 of 56
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pami View Post
What a great great Grandpa, he sounds like a wonderful person

Still thinking of you and sending you good vibes Monica
He is very special, and a very good man. I think he has loaned money to almost every one of his adult grandchildren now (and children as well, at one point or another). He told me that every one of them has paid him back, and he is in no way worried that I wouldn't also do so. My grandpa isn't wealthy, but he is solid middle class. He has always worked hard and saved his money. When he retired, he got bored and started his own business because he just couldn't do nothing. He does wedding video and photography as well as video at horse shows (he used to show and owns Arabian horses). He is 74 and very healthy and very active. He owns more computers and technological equipment than I do, and I am a Computer Science major. I love him very much, and am very grateful for what he is doing for me.

Thank you very much for thinking of me, and for caring.
post #44 of 56
I'm glad your grandpa was able to help you out!

I don't have much more to add what everyone has already said, except for more
post #45 of 56
Thread Starter 
Thank you.
post #46 of 56
Your grandpa sounds like a very special person. I'm glad he was able to help out for now, and I'm sure you'll work through this just fine -- even if it feels pretty shakey at this point. Lots of
post #47 of 56
I am sooooo glad you are keeping us posted, and keeping in contact with friends and family, it is very important not to retreat into yourself and not let things out, though you may just want to hide away from everyone. For the same reason I am glad, so glad you asked your Grandpa for help. Though you felt bad for having to ask he loves you and wants to help you out during a bad time, we all need help at times, there is no shame in that.
Also no shame into looking for government aid during this time. Foodstamps will go a long way to ease some of the fincial burden. I have them, WI Quest program,and am not ashamed. Contact your local job center, they usually have a Human Services Dept in them and while you get the food help they can steer your into directions to take for getting a job. May seem like a demeaning thing to do, ask for help like that, that is how I am, but it is for reasons like these the programs were implanted!
You will be in shock for quite a while, it is going to be a horrible roller coaster of just nasty. Not going to sugar coat that, because that would be a lie. I would LOVE to offer you sunshine and roses, but the reality is different. But as said, you will survive it with more strength you ever thought possible!! I can promise you this!
post #48 of 56
You are a strong woman. You're getting through this and so many other women will look up to your strength. *Hugs* x 100 !!
post #49 of 56
Monica,

Everyone posted just what I would have said. Just remember always that you are a good person. You'll pull through, especially with your grandpa.
post #50 of 56
Thread Starter 
Thanks again for all the kind words everyone.

I am still going. I want to say I am doing okay but that is not really accurate. I am not doing any worse, at any rate.


One of the hardest things, that just is killing me is hearing Pixel cry. She has a special meow for when she is looking for someone (Bamf, me, or my husband) and she has been wandering around the apartment crying for him. It makes me so sad. It is such a horrible, mournful sound and it makes me cry, too. My poor babies don't understand why their daddy left them.
post #51 of 56
Hi Monica,

I am new here and do not know you but I too have been where you are. My heart hurts for you. You will have your good days and your bad days, but know that time will heal you. Several years have passed and now I am happier than I have ever been, and I know why. I am alone. Little by little, I found all the good things about being alone. Yes, money was a biggie to overcome, but without the demands and restrictions that having a partner entails, I was able to devote myself to an entirely new career which has placed me in a far better financial circumstance he ever good. Another silly cliche' that I found to be truth: Living well is the best revenge.

Here are some of the positives I learned to appreciate in my single life:
1. I get to hold the remote! And watch a show all the way to the end!
2. I can have as many cats as I want!
3. I don't have to sneak shopping bags in the house, or rush home and nearly kill a half dozen motorists, to pick up the package delivered from QVC before he sees it!
4. No one to fuss with about what's for dinner!
5. No more worrying about dealing with his family in any shape, form or fashion.
6. I do what I want, when I want, however I want.
7. No one to nit pick me to death over things they knew about me when they met me and said they were fine with then, but decided years later were not acceptable.

and the list truly goes on...

Not to minimize the pain you are going through now, but I hope you got a little laugh out of some of it, and I hope you feel better soon. Good luck to you friend.
post #52 of 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by kitkittles View Post
Hi Monica,

I am new here and do not know you but I too have been where you are. My heart hurts for you. You will have your good days and your bad days, but know that time will heal you. Several years have passed and now I am happier than I have ever been, and I know why. I am alone. Little by little, I found all the good things about being alone. Yes, money was a biggie to overcome, but without the demands and restrictions that having a partner entails, I was able to devote myself to an entirely new career which has placed me in a far better financial circumstance he ever good. Another silly cliche' that I found to be truth: Living well is the best revenge.

Here are some of the positives I learned to appreciate in my single life:
1. I get to hold the remote! And watch a show all the way to the end!
2. I can have as many cats as I want!
3. I don't have to sneak shopping bags in the house, or rush home and nearly kill a half dozen motorists, to pick up the package delivered from QVC before he sees it!
4. No one to fuss with about what's for dinner!
5. No more worrying about dealing with his family in any shape, form or fashion.
6. I do what I want, when I want, however I want.
7. No one to nit pick me to death over things they knew about me when they met me and said they were fine with then, but decided years later were not acceptable.

and the list truly goes on...

Not to minimize the pain you are going through now, but I hope you got a little laugh out of some of it, and I hope you feel better soon. Good luck to you friend.
LOL! Many good reasons! You forgot not having to shave your legs! And #4, oh god the dinner debate, "What do you want to eat?" "I don't know, what do you want?" Continue playing that on an endless loop Grrrrrr!
Kidding aside, #6 and #7 are so very true!
I quite like being single. It was a hard road to get to say that, and never thought I would ever get to this point, but I did! You will too Monica!
post #53 of 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by zorana_dragonky View Post
Thanks again for all the kind words everyone.

I am still going. I want to say I am doing okay but that is not really accurate. I am not doing any worse, at any rate.


One of the hardest things, that just is killing me is hearing Pixel cry. She has a special meow for when she is looking for someone (Bamf, me, or my husband) and she has been wandering around the apartment crying for him. It makes me so sad. It is such a horrible, mournful sound and it makes me cry, too. My poor babies don't understand why their daddy left them.
I'm sorry to hear that Pixel is having such a hard time. Have you explained to your kits what's happened? Just telling them that your husband left, but it had nothing to do with them might help. It can't hurt. Cuddle them and kiss them and hold them and keep taking it day by day. More vibes.

post #54 of 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by zorana_dragonky View Post
Thanks again for all the kind words everyone.

I am still going. I want to say I am doing okay but that is not really accurate. I am not doing any worse, at any rate.


One of the hardest things, that just is killing me is hearing Pixel cry. She has a special meow for when she is looking for someone (Bamf, me, or my husband) and she has been wandering around the apartment crying for him. It makes me so sad. It is such a horrible, mournful sound and it makes me cry, too. My poor babies don't understand why their daddy left them.
Awww poor Pixel My Bella went through the same thing when my first husband died, she would cry this awful distress cry, it was pitiful, and every time someone came to the house she ran to the door, only to be disappointed I will say it took her about 6 weeks to stop looking for him
Big hugs to you Monica
post #55 of 56
I'm also new and don't know you, but having had clinical depression as a companion since childhood, I can tell you not to blame yourself for his unhappiness. It would be great if changing places, jobs or spouses could make him happy, but his unhappiness comes from within and can only be reversed from within. Hang in there, give yourself time to heal, and don't let it damage your self esteem, it was him, not you.
post #56 of 56
Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry! Despite all of this, I know you can and will triumph over this horrible situation. Get your crying out now; you are hurting, and you need to cry. No shame in that. Things WILL get better...

Do you have anyone there who you can talk to? You always have us, of course, but having someone actually there is good, too.

Sending lots of vibes your way.
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