He left.

Allow yourself to grieve the loss of your marriage and relationship - that's good for you to let it out.

But, you must also keep in mind that you did everything in your power to help him but it is impossible to help someone who does not want help. There isn't anything more you could have done.

He has problems - they are his problems so don't make them yours.

In some ways it is like an alcoholic. Until they acknowledge their disease and decide to get treatment themselves, there is nothing anyone else can do to help them.

You will get through this with help from your friends and family and the good folks here. You will come out of it stronger and a more beautiful person than ever.

I can just echo what others have said

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and trust me it will.

Just take one day at a time, and don't look too far ahead.

Originally Posted by Sandtigress

I don't have anything for you but a big

and and prayers.

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....Don´t give up! .....

Monica, I'm really sorry to hear this. It's difficult to have someone you love just walk away from you. Don't beat yourself up for it. Lean on your friends and family (and kitties) for support. Cry, mourn, grieve, and rage. Then, like others have suggested, make a list of what you need to do.

Be gentle to yourself. I'm sending you major vibes. Keep posting here so we can all support you as well.

I just went through a similar situation myself. If you ever want to talk I'd be more than happy to lend an ear I know what it's like to be confused and hurt.

Thankfully, there are many wonderful people here on TCS that have helped me get through it, you can too! I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you will be alright It's going to be hard, I won't lie- but you will be a much happier person in the long run.

(My ex left me with nothing as well.....I made some pretty major life changes and decided to go back to school and finish my degree...I started this week and really like it so far. Once you have a chance to clear your head a bit and breathe, maybe you could look into going back to school if you don't already have a degree. A lot of institutions may be able to help you with grants/loans and you may be able to get a little to live off of as well while you finish college. This way if you finish your degree in a good field, you will never find yourself dependant on another person again for income /etc and in the event that God forbid you find yourself in a similiar situation- things won't be as bad and you won't have to worry quite as much on the finacial aspect of things. That was a huge lesson learned for me. I know you problably aren't thinking of things like that at the moment, but that's exactly why I thought I would bring it up. It took several wonderful people here on TCS and friends/family reminding me of things like that when I first went through it to really get me thinking/etc and help me make a game plan so to speak that I could survive on.

Do you have any family that you might be able to stay with if need be? Also, as soon as you can, get legal advise (many lawyers will look at your case pro bono if you explaine the situation - mine did.) Protect yourself as much as you can. I never thought my ex husband would leave me with nothing- but he did, and he got abusive and horrible. You need to protect yourself as much as you can right now. / If I were you I would also contact the local gov't if you haven't already and ask about getting onto several personal aid programs (food stamps/etc) if you need it in the short term while you try to figure things out and get on your feet. If you don't qualify- look into your area and see if there are any churches near you that have special food programs/etc that might be able to help.

I wish you the best of luck hon. I'll be praying for you

One thing to remember -take it one day at a time right now. If you try to think about what's going to happen in the next 2 weeks, 2 moths, or even year- you're going to overwhelm yourself and panic. Your focus right now needs to be surving day to day. (And trust me it's doable. Each day you're going to get a little piece of yourself back, you might not think so now, but trust me, eventually it will happen, and you will be much happier.)

Originally Posted by white cat lover

Pam & Heidi said it well.

You can't do a dang thing tonight - sit down - cry - whatever. There is nothing you did or could've done that can or could change things. You didn't screw up, you didn't deserve this, and you will get through this.

The kitties love you.

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Couldn't have said this better...
You didn't give up on your relationship, he did. Now you have to figure out what's going to happen from here. It's very hard, but any job will help until you get the job you really want, or even as some have said, go back to school..
Be careful and know that in all of our hearts of hearts we you and are here whenever you need us...

I am so sorry to hear this and I know how tough this must be for you. Just keep your head up and keep looking for work. It doesn't look like it now but you will get thru this, do you have family that can help you? I am sending you the best of luck and know eventually you will get past this. I am thinking of you.

Originally Posted by sarahp

...Write down everything you need to organise, what you need to do to be financial, and start working on them one at a time. It will help keep you a little more calm, and your thoughts in order.

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Excellent advice! Everything makes more sense when you lay it out on paper. Even doodling can help.

Originally Posted by Keycube

...When the dust settles, you will find yourself a stronger person, and given a gift of clarity. Guaranteed.

...It also isn't necessarily the end of your relationship; it's just entering a different phase. My marriage was a profound disaster, but 15 years later, I'm great friends with my ex-wife.

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Absolutely true on both counts.


...And as for me, I'd suggest you get out of the house and spend some time out among people. Force yourself to smile at everyone you see, open doors for people, just radiate joyfulness in every way. It starts out feeling fake, but gradually takes on some reality, and you feel better.

It also helps you remember that you have power: power to lift other people's spirits, to be useful, to connect with people.

You have a whole new life coming now, and you can shape it any way you want. Try to focus on the excitement of that, rather than on your sense of loss.

There has been a lot of wonderful advice, and I am only able to offer my sympathy and a shoulder to you.

Just take each day as a new one, start with small easy tasks you know you can complete, and as you get stronger you will manage to take on more and more. Life isn't easy, but you can muster through this.

And remember, coming up is the "you" time. Now you can try and do the things you wanted but felt you were too stifled to do. Climb that mountain! Soar those skies! You're future is an open book of possibilities.

Originally Posted by Yosemite

Allow yourself to grieve the loss of your marriage and relationship - that's good for you to let it out.

But, you must also keep in mind that you did everything in your power to help him but it is impossible to help someone who does not want help. There isn't anything more you could have done.

He has problems - they are his problems so don't make them yours.

Click to expand...

I completely agree. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.



I think it was pretty rotten of him to leave you with pretty much nothing.

I know exactly how you are feeling. My ex pretty much did the same thing, but we owned a business together, so let me tell you that was fun! My life has gotten so much better, Great man, going to school in the fall, ex is miserable!!!! The next while will be hard, but know that it will get better. I really found comfort in my animals, they love you unconditionally! Start by loving yourself, and don't look back, you will be better off in the long run. Good luck if you need anything, ASK!! & many hugs.

With all the excellent advice in this thread, I'm not going to try to add to it or reiterate it, just give you major and assure you that we're here to listen whenever you need it -- we have broad shoulders.

Monica,
I know exactly how you feel... I was also left by my ex-husband; he didn't even tell me why - told me he didn't need to tell me why... IMO he had issues with depression and commitment, and saw no way but to leave the marriage.
Here is what I can tell you - you don't see it this way right now; you probably see like there is no life out there without him, but I PROMISE you that this is a good thing, and you will be way happier and stronger in the long run.
If he was not happy, and depressed, he was not making you happy either. I suspect he was not giving you the love and companionship you deserve... So, by leaving he is actually giving you the opportunity to find someone who truly loves and appreciates you.
You will be fine... Today I say that my divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me... I am sooooo much better of without him! There is nothing worst than to beg for love, and that is how my relationship with him was...
For now, no matter what, DO NOT FEEL LIKE A FAILURE. I know there is a huge stigma about divorce, but hold your head up and know that the people who loves you only care about your happiness and well being... ASK FOR HELP - there is nothing wrong in asking for help, and family and friends are there for that.
And last but not least...... DO NOT TRY TO UNDERSTAND HIM - this will drive you nuts, and will be a waste of your time. You need to think about yourself right now - it is all about you, you, and you.
You can do it - you will do it

I can add nothing to what has been said, but I do believe you wil get through this, taking one day at a time, don't get overwhelmed by trying too much too soon. But do something every day towards your future. And allow yourself to cry, to rant, to scream occasionally. It will do you good. So many of us have been there, we are here for you.

I feel so sad for you There's not much that anybody can really say when something like this happens, and of course you don't know me, so all I can offer is my prayers and

You have so many amazing supporters on here you may not even get a chance to read this...im long winded (your forewarned! LOL!).

Without giving a run down of all my life experiences I can say that I have "carried" more than so many friends of mine have and I ask God daily WHYYYYY, whats the plan here, purpose? Im not still sure but I know that I will know why one day. What I can say is that A. Ive been on BOTH sides of this EXACT situation. B. You WILL do it, get through C. BEST ADVICE EVER "Fake it till you make it", be it in your job, life, whatever....it works! (not saying be a liar by ANY MEANS).

AlphaCat i believe has made THE BEST point thus far. You should want to stay in and be with someone who is only helping you grow as a person, values the same things that you do, is your "soft spot" to land when you come home. Sometimes in life when end up not growing together in life we wind up looking back and realize just how far apart weâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]ve grown, most times not even realizing it just simply because life, kids, school, work, etc.. get in the way. This is why it is so very important to truly KNOW yourself, REALLY KNOW yourself prior to marriage. I, along with so many girls, had to learn this the hard way as I was engaged at 18, married by 20. As silly as it sounds, I LOVE the movie Runway Bride and always encourage the young girls that I mentor to watch it as it truly has profound meaning through itâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s silliness.

The point that I am making, or trying to make is that there is nothing that you can do to make someone love you or even like you. SOOO many miss this GREAT GIFT they are given when things like this happen and they want their friends and family to make them feel better. That is WONDERFUL to have support and love but just remember to not rely on it fully as you will, as painful as this sounds, YOU WILL HURT until it clicks one day with you “hey, im ok and EVEN BETTER ON MY OWNâ€. When this happens you will re—invent YOU, you will find YOURSELF again and THEN out of NOWHERE there will be this amazing person that appears in your life when you focus on you, let go of him and worry about nothing more than your own happiness. AS CRAZY AS IT SEEMS its true, show yourself some attention, BE SELFISH and you are going to be AMAZED at what happens! Hell, he may even want YOU BACK (hopefully you wont let that happen-but its your call). I know its hard to think of right now but I swear on everything it works. Now I have read some posts here that I just want to SCREAM OMG, ARE YOU SERIOUS but I mind my own business. At this point in your life youâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]ve been handed this gift to start over (as bad as it sucks with the immediate needs you WILL wake up daily AND SOMEHOW DAILY it just works, just donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t think past that for now). Ive read so much about blame, keeping in mind there are ALWAYS 3 sides to every story, his, herâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s and then the truth. Just try to not let the overwhelming support become your only crutch because thatâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s a bad road to head down and it doesnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t show for much integrity when folks are just handed things…you are better than that, stronger.

As far as the relationship goes and him just walking away, thatâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s his own pain to carry. Its NOT ALWAYS because your not attractive, smart, doesnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t love you, etc… For example, ive met the most amazing man. If this person said, hey, lets leave tonight to Vegas to marry, I would NO QUESTIONS. Ive NEVER known that, thought that I had, but not this. If your religious theres a verse in the bible in I Corinthians that describes real love and what its supposed to and not supposed to be “love is patient, love is kind, ….†FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, this relationship fits every single line to that scripture. If your current life and love doesnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t itâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s a gift for you because someone up above thinks YOU and YOUR KIDS ARE DESERVING OF BETTER! I bring my bf up because he had to walk out of his marriage not so long ago not because there was an affair as she claimed, not because there was abuse as she claimed or so on. His ex has said the most slanderous things about him and he just holds his head up. He is a man of moral integrity, value and so on. Of course, I am like, WHAT, WHY ARE YOU NOT STOPPING THIS, ETC..?? He just simply sayâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s, patiently, she will be “seenâ€, eventually, for how she is and what she is and he lets it go. He has paid for so much for her to get her life in order for so long but of course is unappreciative, thankful for it. THIS IN FACT WAS THE REASON he left. He knew that with his being in her life that he was in turn, somehow actually “de-motivating†her to be the person that she COULD be but didnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t want to be knowing that she could sit around and live off of him. He so many times encouraged her to do things, not even for money, just for her own betterment, she didnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t. Even after the divorce when he supported her for so long she STILL didnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t take advantage of the situation until the VERY VERY last second then blamed him again, it was sickening to me but again, to him, he patiently stood by. He is a much better person than I. He still every so often says he hopes for the best for her, wishes her well and hopes that she finally will get the gumption she needs to do for herself, maybe being on her own will indeed do this. Its taken a while for me to “get it†but heâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s right. I realized its not, in some situations that its just a nasty selfish thing but in fact you can turn around ANY SITUATION and see the positives in it. Maybe he loves you enough to let you go and prosper? If you think about it in these terms and KNOW that regardless your going to be happy as soon as youâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]re a little selfish, your going to look back after taking each day step by step and say wow, who was that person, im so glad I found ME AGAIN!

Again, sorry to be long winded its just working with so many girls as a mentor i try to show them that ONLY WHEN they learn confidence, love themselves, support themselves can they love again and KNOW they'll be okay in ANY situation! :-)

Because so many people have already said the things I would want to, I'm just going to send lots of hugs, because you need them right now.






Laurie

I just wanted to let everyone know that I read everything that everyone said, and I really appreciate all of your advice and support. It is difficult to take it all in right now. I think I am still in shock.

I have no idea what I am going to do in the long run. I am trying to just take it day by day and worry about the near future, about being able to pay my rent and car payment (the other bills can and will have to go into default if I cannot pay them, I haven't got a choice, but they won't disconnect anything right away... It is horrible to say that. It makes me want to throw up because I have never done that before).

My immediate family (parents) are not able to help financially. They filed bankruptcy a few years ago and my father makes just enough money to pay their bills and eat healthy food and to support my little sister (she is 14 and lives with them of course). They are doing fine but they do not have much in the way of extra money and cannot loan me any. I have never had to ask anyone for money before, and I thought it would be really difficult, but I called my grandpa and asked if I could borrow the money to pay my rent and car payment while I look as hard as I can for a job.

He said yes, yes, yes, and he loved me so much and he was so sorry. He made me feel so good. He said one of the nicest things that anyone had said so far, he said that Steve was lucky to have me, because I was smart and pretty and helpful and motivated and talented and Steve would never find anyone who could give him as much love as I could. It made me cry again, but it made me feel so good.


So I am not doing well, I can't say that, but I have to believe that I will be okay. I don't know what else to do. I will tell the whole story if anyone wants in PM, or vent more, but I don't want to do it here. I just wanted all of you WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL people to know that nothing worse has happened yet and I am not in danger of losing my place and I have some good friends who are trying very hard to help me find work and get me through this.

I don't know where I would be without people like you guys and my friends and family and my precious, wonderful cats.


Thank you so much, TCS.

Your grandfather sounds like a good guy. Very glad you have his support!

Your grandpa sounds like a wonderful man!

I can understand your not wanted to continue to post all the details, but I do hope you'll pop on now and again and tell us how you're getting on.