One year ago today, I killed him before he killed someone

white cat lover

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Shortly after 3PM, on a gorgeous, sunny March day - I loaded Jack, my "Warlock", my "ultimate fighting machine" into my car. We'd been down a long road....he was a "stray" at the shelter. I had fostered him, he had been adopted & came back due to some growling issues. Another family fostered him, as I had someone else by that time. He continued to have those issues.

Knowing full well he would be euthanized, I agreed to foster him again - see if he wouldn't be old Jack at my house, where he could stay forever. After a week - I know old Jack was gone. He almost took off the arm of a family member.

Something happened - whether he was ever used to fight or not I don't know. but surely someone had loved him - he was neutered when he came in, he knew several commands. He was housetrained.

Why am I the only one missing this dog? Where is his family? Don't they care?

None of it matters now, I am forever the bad guy, the one who took his life away. At the last second, he knew, and I will never forget that look on his face. He knew.

He loved Izzy, more than tennis balls even, he loved that fiesty little girl



He loved cuddling at night, waited for me in bed



He always listened to everything I said, it was funny to watch his head flip from side to side as I would talk





Mmmmmm....cat toy



Waiting just outside the vet in the car



He loved the turbo scratcher

http://s10.photobucket.com/albums/a103/twtich1/Dogs/?action=view&current=Jack-o-sarus015-1.flv

http://s10.photobucket.com/albums/a103/twtich1/Dogs/?action=view&current=Jack028.flv

http://s10.photobucket.com/albums/a103/twtich1/Dogs/?action=view&current=Jack.flv


Goodbye Jack. I'm sorry I failed you, but know & understand - it wasn't safe for you here - it wasn't safe for you anywhere. Something in your mind was wrong, and I couldn't let you hurt anyone - you were such a confused dog - you would growl at mom, yet look hurt when he ducked away. You couldn't understand why she wouldn't love you anymore.

Would I do it over again, knowing the heartache at the end of the road? Yes. He didn't die alone, in a kennel. He died with my head in his arms.
 

pami

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What a beautiful tribute in memory of that gorgeous Jack.


Natalie you didnt fail him, you helped him. He knew you helped him, he was so loyal to you, but you had to set him free, where he would be safe.
You accepted the pain, so he wouldnt have to


Rest In Peace Jack, although its been some time now, you are still so loved and missed
 

darlili

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I know my tears are nothing to yours, but you loved him so much, to do the best thing for him, and set him free from whatever hurt him so much in his past. I'm sure he's waiting over the bridge, waiting healthy and happy to play with you one day.

My prayers for his peace, and yours.
 

mcfluffy

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What a special tribute to him. It doesn't sound like you failed him at all. Someone or something in his past did, but not you. You gave him some love and sometimes that's all a person can do.
What you did for him was the loving thing to do.

P.S. I just joined this forum 2 days ago, and already I've "seen" so many nice, wonderful people. And, I know exactly where to come the next time I need a good cry.
 

kittieshasme

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You did your utmost for him and unfortunately, some things cannot be fixed. In the end you made the hardest decision out of love for Jack. You did not fail him and you did not give up on him, you did the best thing by him.

Natalie.

Rest in peace, Jack.
 

carolina

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Nat, I am so very sorry you need to go through this... I can only imagine the pain... Hang in there sweet heart - you spared him what could have been a lifetime of suffering...
RIP beautiful Jack
 

proudmamiof4

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That is so sad R.I.P sweet Jack
and you did not fail him at all....you saved him from himself.
 

ldg

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Pami put it SO well. You accepted the pain so he wouldn't have to.
It's one of the most difficult jobs there is Nat, and it is the hardest part of rescue. You are a very, very, very special person, and Jack (and all the others) know that.


I hope we can help ease your pain, even just a little bit.



Laurie
 

lilyluvscats

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I remember when you had to do that. I felt bad for you and him. I don't know how you guys in this line of work do what you have to do. I admire you very very much.
 

satai

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What a sad and impossibly difficult experience, and a beautiful tribute to a life, and a death, shared.

Rest in peace Jack, and look down in love on those who miss you.
 

eilcon

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Nat, you loved Jack and that's what counts. You loved him enough to have the compassion and courage to make a difficult decision. Somehow, he knows that.
 
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white cat lover

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I feel guilty & miss him - on one hand I might've been able to do more for him - but on the other hand I would've been endangering my family & my other pets. I had to make a choice, and I chose my pets & family over him - there was no way the shelter would adopt him out - and no one I would trust him to.

Whether he was a fighting dog or not - I think it was in his nature to be what he was - and he was finally starting to realize his potential.

Many do not like the decision I made, I imagine.....but I couldn't justify risking everyone's life by keeping him around, nor could I justify leaving him in a kennel to let someone else kill him.
 

sharky

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Nat
You know EXACTLY how I feel...

for you

and

Jack .... next time boy
 

momofmany

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My brother always said that guilt is simply resentment turned inward. The feelings you have towards yourself for the decision you made for Jack are turned the wrong way. It is the people that didn't give Jack the love he needed during his formative times that failed him. It's societies views on pitties that failed him. You are only one person and there was nothing that you could have done to overcome the odds that were stacked against him.

I salute you for the love that you were able to give him. Others obviously hadn't given him that chance. You do a job that other people are simply incapable of doing. And sometimes that is enough.

to bring closure to your torment.

Jack
 

ut0pia

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RIP sweet Jack.
Imagining what must have happened to him before you found him made me teary..I can only imagine what it must have been for you to go through with trying and trying to help him overcome the mental damage...You are an
for doing all that for him!
 

booktigger

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What a lovely tribute - I can't believe it has been a year already though. You didnt fail him, and you have nothing to feel guilty about, we in rescue are the ones that have to pick up the pieces, and sadly sometimes they come to us too late to do anything about, but you gave him more of a chance than anyone else would have done and thanks to your compassion and caring, he spent his last days in a home, and ended his life with someone who loved him to bits, and not alone in a shelter, and that is ultimately the most important thing. He is free from his confusion now, and will be waiting to see you again. RIP little one.
 

jcat

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Originally Posted by white cat lover

I couldn't justify risking everyone's life by keeping him around, nor could I justify leaving him in a kennel to let someone else kill him.
This says it all, Nat. It was the responsible course of action, and circumstances left you no alternative. Through you, he knew love, and is mourned. RIP, Jack.
 
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