TheCatSite.com › Forums › General Forums › The Cat Lounge › Hubby's Annoyed; Am I Wrong? (kind of long)
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Hubby's Annoyed; Am I Wrong? (kind of long)

post #1 of 24
Thread Starter 
My DH likes to travel; I hate it. Since 2001, he & our daughter have gone to Florida (with his Mom & step-Dad) 4 times. The first time he'd just received a bonus at work and I came up with some extra spending money for him (my Mom's Christmas gift to both of us was cash), so he didn't put much on the credit card. The next 3 times he went, the Visa card was smoking when he got home. (yes, I'm still paying on it) I finally told him the last time he went (2007) that if & when he went again he HAD to have the cash to pay for it, that the credit card wasn't making another trip. He agreed, and even promised that he wouldn't go again unless I went with him (even tho' I've told him repeatedly that I will not go, for several reasons) When I suggest taking a shorter trip to somewhere I might like to see his response is always, "I went there when I was a kid; it's boring."
So last night DD and I were talking about her taking some college classes during the summer. She asked, "Are we going on vacation?" I told her she'd have to ask her Dad. That opened a huge can of worms; he hasn't saved enough money to go unless he shortens the trip to 1 week instead of 2 (which he won't do). He thinks I'll go with them if he pressures me enough, and travel with his Mom! I flat out told him there was no way in hell I was going on the road for 2 weeks with his folks.
I think he's expecting me to come up with more money for him but I can't do it. I resent all the money he's spent on his vacations (I've tried to tell him that we could have taken a trip to Ireland for all the money he's spent, but he doesn't seem to care) When he & his Mom start planning their trips they act as if it's a big secret and they can't tell me because I'll get upset. I get upset when DH DOESN'T tell me until the last minute. When they get back that's all they talk about for months, while I sit there like an idiot, neither knowing nor caring about this or that ride at Disneyworld.
Am I being unreasonable to expect him to be able to actually pay for a vacation? I truly could come up with the extra cash for him if I had to, but there are so many other things that need to be taken care of around the house that I just can't say, "Here honey, knock yourself out." He doesn't even realize it, but he mentions Florida in some way EVERY day. I've pointed it out to him, and he seems so surprised. I'm sick of Florida, I'm sick of hearing about it, I'm sick of spending money every month to pay off his trips.
So, am I a horrible wife for not giving in?
post #2 of 24
No, you are not in the wrong. Your worries about using credit are perfectly reasonable, for one thing, and for another thing, it's not fair for him to vacation without you all the time. He needs to compromise.

Maybe every other year/trip you could all do something YOU want to do. On the off years, you could stay at home if you wanted to. That way, you wouldn't have to travel every year AND you would save money by taking a smaller vacation sometimes.
post #3 of 24
He is being very selfish and unfair to you. Take his credit card and hide it, make him give you the monthly payment to pay it off.

We went through something similar. My husband loves to go camping. I hate it. Every year when our daughter was young we went camping. Both of us told him we would rather do something else. He said he was agreeable and asked us to make a list of things we'd rather do. We did and he poo-pooed every one of our suggestions for one reason or another. We finally just refused to go camping with him.

I don't care how many times he went somewhere when he was young - that makes it even better because he can point out things of interest to you and guide you if this is your first time going. He needs to be fair to you and his behaviour is definitely not being fair.
post #4 of 24
It's certainly his prerogative to go places (nice that he at least takes your daughter), but not so much to potentially tank your credit. Family vacations should be about spending casual time with those you love, not about being constantly amused by your surroundings. His attitude somewhat sucks.

In short, lose the husband and get another cat.
post #5 of 24
He is being selfish, self-indulgent, childish and short-sighted. I am having similar issues with my boyfriend. He can afford to go away; I cannot. But he won't pay for me and pressures me to do stuff. I have told him I don't have the money; and if I spend it, that would either add to my debt burden or come out of my assets ... but he wants what he wants. It is an issue in our relationship. Oh, and I plan everything and he shows up with a change of clothes and his toothbrush - "so what are we doing?" Grrrrrr!!

On a more helpful note, I think you two are not on the same wavelength when it comes to this. There is definitely a breakdown in the communication that is a sign of a more complex problem, IMO. Have you tried to talk to him about it, in a non-confrontational way? Maybe sit down with him and work out a monthly budget so he SEES where the money goes? I would agree that you should not enable his behavior by giving him YOUR money. Do you have a pastor or someone who could act as a counseling third party? I think he probably has tuned you out and might need to hear this from a professional source.

ETA: note to self -- never get married. LOL!!
post #6 of 24
Thread Starter 
Quote:
In short, lose the husband and get another cat.


Love it!
The thing is, DH is the breadwinner and works very hard. I have a really tough time saying 'no' to him. I'm the one that handles the finances; I don't think he has a clue. In fact, every so often I tell him 'if something happened to me you would be so screwed.' He has no idea how to take care of any of it.
DD is caught in the middle, and I feel bad about that. She'll tell her Dad that we should take a family vacation, but all he's interested in is the thrill rides at the big amusement parks. A couple of years ago I told him I'd love to see Mt. Rushmore. He wasn't interested. I'd love to go to the Little Big Horn. Nope. Civil War battle sites? Well, maybe we could stop by one of those on the way to Florida! UGH!
I dont understand the fascination. The strange thing is he doesn't want to go back to other places he'd seen as a kid because they were boring. But, his family went to Florida every year when he was a kid, and at that time there was no Disneyworld or Universal Studios. I just don't get the need to go there over and over. It's not as if they were great family times he's trying to relive; his folks fought constantly and divorced twice. There are no 'happy memories' waiting there for him.
I'm getting a headache just thinking about this again. As soon as it's time for DH to fill out his vacation requests at work my stomach gets a big knot in it.
And I'm the one that feels horrible for saying, "no, not this year".
post #7 of 24
IMO you don't need to be taking another vacation to Disnay. Once you've seen it, there really is no big need to go the next year. DD will have to understand that vacation is a gift - not a given thing and it is not always a necessary thing.

If DH doesn't have all the cash and won't compromise, then no one goes on vacation. Money issues are a big argument in many households. But you and DH have to sit down and discuss this without arguing and yelling and DD has to abide by the final decision - whatever it is.
post #8 of 24
Thread Starter 
Quote:
IMO you don't need to be taking another vacation to Disnay. Once you've seen it, there really is no big need to go the next year. DD will have to understand that vacation is a gift - not a given thing and it is not always a necessary thing.

I actually think DD would be happy to go anywhere as a family; Disney is her Dad's idea. In fact, I've asked him which he likes better--Disney or Universal. Universal is better, according to both of them. So when I ask 'couldn't you just skip Disneyworld?' DH says if you're that close you might as well go. *sigh*
We don't get into shouting matches about this; I usually give in because I feel guilty for telling DH we can't afford it. Of course, then I stew about it because I really do get pissed-off about the whole thing.
It would be different if DH could say 'no' to himself; he seems to forget that the credit card company is going to want some money every month. You know those little metal pins that people collect to wear on hats, vests, etc? He can't buy just a couple, he'll come home with a couple of dozen (and they cost from $6-$12 each!) He can't just buy one really nice $80 shirt for himself, he has to have a couple. He comes home with a dozen theme park shirts. For some reason he thinks he has to act like a big spender with his Mom and step-Dad and pick up the whole tab for meals several times. He's been known to pay for their hotel room because "it was easier that way". Huh? They take his car because step-Dad's car is too small for everyone. So who buys most of the gas? One guess.
Ok, I'm going off on a rant again; sorry! I'm just really, really frustrated.
post #9 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by Devanagara View Post
He needs to compromise.
Yes. Based on what you've told us, he's done nothing to even attempt to meet you halfway. Let me get this straight:

1. He isn't willing to vacation somewhere closer
2. He isn't willing to vacation for less than 2 weeks
3. He isn't willing to save money to pay for the trips he takes

It's a complete and total inability to compromise. You almost have to approach this from a different angle, because I have a feeling this isn't the only thing in your relationship about which he refuses to compromise. Sounds like there might be a bigger issue.
post #10 of 24
Okay, I am not a relationship expert of any kind, but I am going to take a stab at this.

First thing, I think the most important part of this issue is that your husband is being irresponsible about vacations, and especially during a time of economic hardship (not saying you are going through hardship, but the world markets and US markets are not doing very well, obviously, lol!) spending money on a fancy vacation is NOT a good idea for most people. I think, no matter how bad you feel, that you are going to have to get tough with him. You are going to have to lay it out and say, "No, I am sorry, but you can't go this year. We cannot afford it, you cannot buy things on credit like that and expect the money to pay for them to magically appear." And if he complains, you are going to have to stick to your guns. It's not right for him to treat you that way, to be so inconsiderate of you. A good marriage is full of compromise. Provided that the money is there, sure he can go to theme parks and ride exciting thrillrides, but some other years he should also be willing to go places like Mt. Rushmore. A marriage has to have balance, and that is totally one sided. It seems to me like he is getting what he wants by making you feel guilty and that is not right.


I will also add that, while I feel he is treating you wrongly by not even attempting to go on a vacation that you would enjoy (since traveling is not your favorite thing), I also wanted to point out the potential of Disney, in case you actually decide to try to go there one day, for your future reference! I went to Disney World in Florida over New Year's. My little brother got married there, and it was a gorgeous and unique wedding and I was so glad I went.

While I was there, I learned a LOT about Disney World. When you can afford it (next year maybe ), you might consider going. There is a lot more to do at Disney World than riding roller coasters (although that stuff is fun, IMO!). They have a beautiful campground with hiking trails, all of the resorts have AMAZING themes and the people are so good at taking care of you and making you feel like the vacation is special and magical (And they all say "Have a magical day..."). There are always swimming pools and often hot tubs. There are fantastic restaurants at many of the resorts, and you can make reservations to eat there without buying park admission for that day (or being a guest of the resort). There are also awesome restaurants in the parks, and you can get reservations for those, too (which is great for planners like me and you!)

There are several lakes and you can take beautiful boat rides. There are golf courses and mini golf courses. The Animal Kingdom has a lot of cool areas where (especially in the morning) you can just travel through and see amazing animals and interact with some. Epcot is also like that, it is a great place to just walk through and explore, and watch shows and learn about other countries. You can also go to Downtown Disney (without any admission fees) and take boat rides there and watch plays and go to restaurants and browse fancy shops. So basically.. LOL, it is a lot more than Mickey Mouse and the Castle and rides your husband likes!

Granted, if you hate crowds, then Disney is not for you. But I wanted to defend it as a possibility - there may actually be something there that you would enjoy. If you plan the vacation at the right times, you can get admission to the parks, buy 4 days of tickets and hotel rooms, get 3 free! You can eat inexpensively too. If you could keep your husband from lots of fancy dinners and buying too many souvenirs, you might be able to afford it next year without using the credit card! Maybe you could let him go ride roller coasters without you, while you and DD explore Mexico and France and Norway in Epcot, or ride on a boat in the lake or hike the trails.

BUT, even if you do go to Disney one day, I would only do it in exchange for a promise that he go where you want next time, NO QUESTIONS. I definitely think it isn't right the way he treated you, and that you should really tell him that he can't go this time. But then you could talk to him about where you might go next year, and what to do.

I think you are facing a tough talk and I do not envy you. However, if you do eventually go to Disney World, I will envy you that. I had a great time.

Good luck! Many . Husbands are pains, aren't they?
post #11 of 24
I believe the bottom line is that nobody in the family should be taking trips that have to go on the credit card. You might want to google one of those web pages that calculates the interest on a credit card charge and show it to your husband. You can easily end up paying $6000 for a $3000 trip; seeing how the interest actually adds up can be a real eye opener.

I don't believe you are wrong at all and I think it's kind of yucky that he hides the trips from you like it has to be some big secret... I hope you work it out.
post #12 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by libby74 View Post


Love it!
The thing is, DH is the breadwinner and works very hard. I have a really tough time saying 'no' to him. I'm the one that handles the finances; I don't think he has a clue. In fact, every so often I tell him 'if something happened to me you would be so screwed.' He has no idea how to take care of any of it.
DD is caught in the middle, and I feel bad about that. She'll tell her Dad that we should take a family vacation, but all he's interested in is the thrill rides at the big amusement parks. A couple of years ago I told him I'd love to see Mt. Rushmore. He wasn't interested. I'd love to go to the Little Big Horn. Nope. Civil War battle sites? Well, maybe we could stop by one of those on the way to Florida! UGH!
I dont understand the fascination. The strange thing is he doesn't want to go back to other places he'd seen as a kid because they were boring. But, his family went to Florida every year when he was a kid, and at that time there was no Disneyworld or Universal Studios. I just don't get the need to go there over and over. It's not as if they were great family times he's trying to relive; his folks fought constantly and divorced twice. There are no 'happy memories' waiting there for him.
I'm getting a headache just thinking about this again. As soon as it's time for DH to fill out his vacation requests at work my stomach gets a big knot in it.
And I'm the one that feels horrible for saying, "no, not this year".
Hey - you and I should go on vacation! I would love to see those places!
post #13 of 24
Sounds like your hubby is playing the part of a "big-shot" with the spending, i.e., paying for dinners, vacations to show off to his folks and your daughter. It's really time he got reined in and realized he has to pay real, hard-earned money for the facade. Nobody (at least nobody worth having around) is going to think less of him if he doesn't pull out the wallet for them all the time.
post #14 of 24
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Hey - you and I should go on vacation! I would love to see those places!
So, which one of us is driving?

Quote:
Sounds like your hubby is playing the part of a "big-shot" with the spending, i.e., paying for dinners, vacations to show off to his folks and your daughter. It's really time he got reined in and realized he has to pay real, hard-earned money for the facade. Nobody (at least nobody worth having around) is going to think less of him if he doesn't pull out the wallet for them all the time.
I think part of this stems from the fact that DH's older brother tags along with his Mom and step-Dad every time they go to Florida, which is 2 or 3 times a year. Big brother has no job, and has had addiction problems his whole life. Mom takes him along because she "can't trust him home by himself." OMG, the man is 59 y/o and the umbilical cord is still attached.
Sometimes I think DH is trying to buy his Mom's love (she's always been much more involved with his brother; her favorite saying is "we never had to worry about D (my hubby), he could take care of himself."
DH's family was upper middle class when he was growing up and if he wanted something he usually got it. On the other hand, he does know how to save; he bought his first car at age 19 and paid cash for it with money he had earned. He paid for his Mom's wedding ring when his folks got re-married after their first divorce. Money has never been a big concern for him, while I worry about it every single day. I think he's just so used to me giving in when I know he really wants something that he doesn't know how to react right now. Honestly, sometimes I think this is more of a problem with me feeling guilty for saying 'no'. I know I shouldn't, but for some reason I do.
post #15 of 24
Obviously, he has no idea what this costs, emotionally of financially since you do all the finances and you said he doesn't understand them. You guys need to be on the same page. Show him the finances if at all possible. You say you can't afford to take the trips, is it that, or is it you would rather spend those funds doing something else? That question is very important. Both shouldn't make you feel guilty and are understandable issues that are workable.
Maybe you could see a financial counselor?
My significant other does the finances. I was getting confused awhile back because I couldn't get agreement on a short trip I wanted. But the real problem was I had no idea of our current financial situation, at least not real numbers and real figures. Once I clued in, we became on the same page automatically.
Maybe that would work in your situation if it is simply about money?
post #16 of 24
Thread Starter 
Quote:
You say you can't afford to take the trips, is it that, or is it you would rather spend those funds doing something else?
If I wanted to take the money out of our savings account, yes, DH could go. I refuse to do that. I know that as soon as his car is paid off he'll be dying to trade it on a new car. (it's gotten to the point that I don't tell him when the car is paid off, just so I can build up some money in the savings account to put down on the next car) The kitchen floor needs to be replaced and the rug in the living room is shot. To me, those are much more iimportant than riding on the Tower of Terror yet again. All in all, counting his car and credit cards, our debt comes to about 12% of his salary, not a large amount by any means. I simply despise being in debt.

I do believe I'm getting worse concerning money issues. Two years ago, DH was diagnosed with CLL, a form of leukemia that is treatable but not curable. When he retires (either because he's old enough or because he's too sick to work anymore) we won't have any health insurance and will be forced to purchase it on our own. I know this is going to cost a small fortune and I don't know how we're going to find insurance for him, let alone pay for it. I've told him this and he always says that we'll manage somehow. I do uinderstand that he wants to live life to the fullest while he's able to. I don't understand why that means taking a trip to the same place over and over when there are so many other amazing places to see.

I see these trips as self-indulgent, and I guess it bothers me that he's so willing to waste this kind of money on himself. I wouldn't dream of spending several thousand dollars on myself like that.
post #17 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by AddieBee View Post
I think you two are not on the same wavelength when it comes to this. There is definitely a breakdown in the communication that is a sign of a more complex problem, IMO. Have you tried to talk to him about it, in a non-confrontational way? Maybe sit down with him and work out a monthly budget so he SEES where the money goes? I would agree that you should not enable his behavior by giving him YOUR money. Do you have a pastor or someone who could act as a counseling third party? I think he probably has tuned you out and might need to hear this from a professional source.
I agree with that. Marriage counselling is definitely something that should be considered.
post #18 of 24
It really does sound like two unrelated issues that, when merged, make a terrible tangle of a mess.

As many others have said, your spouse needs to know about the money situation in your house. He needs to look at the income, expenses, costs of retirement including health insurance, and you need to keep him up to date on the money situation. That way it won't be you telling him "No", it will be Excel telling him "No". He works, and you do the finances, and you can keep it that way, but you've got to show him the results of your work, instead of telling him "yes, we can afford that" and "no, we can't afford that." In other words, you need to agree together on the broad budget and, while you can do the bookkeeping and tell him where he is in his budget, you won't have to tell him if he can do this or that (only that he's got $X of money to spend on whatever).

Your spouse likes to go to Disney/Universal with his family, and you don't. As a former resident of Florida, I do respectfully suggest that there are lots of other fun things to do in Florida than go to big theme parks (Ichetucknee and other clear springs and spring runs, beaches, civil war forts, the keys, and a lot of nature), but I get your drift that there are other fun and interesting places to go to just Florida. Do you two manage to split the "fun stuff" that you do together more evenly between things you like and he likes on a weekly or monthly basis? Because, if you've already got the skill of figuring out how to do things your whole family can enjoy, it shouldn't be too hard to expand that skill to vacations.

My spouse and I have hugely different money philosophies, and the only way we can be together is to have completely separate finances. That doesn't sound appropriate for you, but there are other options. You can budget "fun" money for each of you, which can be used for lunches out or movies or vacations. Then, you can only go on vacation if you save "fun" money (your spouse had a $300 fun budget in January, but spent only $160, so he put $140 into his fun savings which, combined with other month's fun savings, will eventually pay for a vacation). Although my parents eventually divorced, the last few years of their marriage were actually a lot happier than what had come before, in large part due to the fact that they moved to a family budgeting system where they didn't have to get permission from each other spend money (they just had their own personal monthly budgets, and my dad could buy the ugly rug and my mom could buy a new dress, and it didn't create problems any more).
post #19 of 24
I agree with you totally on this. Why should you give him the credit card or extra cash when you're not even going. Your DH seems to be very spoiled, I would stick to my guns about this vacation money situation. You are definitely right in your decision...now just stick to it.
post #20 of 24
I think... his parents ought to pay for his vacation. Just kidding.

I feel you should be able to travel to places that you enjoy as well. It shouldn't just be him going wherever he wants without you. You're partners!

Maybe, have your daughter pick a place she'd like to go and you both can do that without it being about you or him?
post #21 of 24
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Marriage counselling is definitely something that should be considered.
I don't think that's going to happen. We've been married 34 years, and our spending & saving habits have always been totally opposite. This really is the only problem we have.

Quote:
Maybe, have your daughter pick a place she'd like to go and you both can do that without it being about you or him?
DD has actually suggested different places---without success. I seriously think that if DH had his own dictionary the definition of "vacation" would be--"Florida, and only Florida, and there must be theme parks." DD and I actually did talk DH into a 3 day trip to Chicago a couple of years ago. We went to the planetarium, the Shedd Aquarium, the Field Museum, and Navy Pier. I loved it; DH liked the Egyptian exhibit at the museum and was bored by everything else. *sigh*

Quote:
Your spouse likes to go to Disney/Universal with his family, and you don't. As a former resident of Florida, I do respectfully suggest that there are lots of other fun things to do in Florida than go to big theme parks
My understanding of these vacations is--if you don't go to the theme parks what's the point of going? On all these vacations there has never been a trip to Sea World or Busch Gardens. It was only in the last few years that they even went to St. Augustine.

The bottom line is the amount of money that's wasted (IMO) on doing the same thing at the same place over and over. There's also the fact that I have motion sickness and rides are out of the question. I have arthritis in my back and knees and can't stand in line for 2 hours waiting to see something. These trips are always sceduled for July and August; hot, humid weather makes my asthma worse. For some reason DH thinks he has to go with his Mom---I really don't think I need to explan why that's a bad idea. I refuse to leave our cats for 2 weeks and DH refuses to shorten the trip. Actually, his excuse for that is "Mom always goes for 2 weeks." Then there's the simple fact that I just don't like to travel.

I know this isn't an earth shattering problem, and we'll work something out like we always do, but I really felt the need to find out if I was being unreasonable. I sincerely appreciate all the input I've received. As hard as it's going to be, I'm going to stick to my guns this time. If there's no cash, there's no vacation.
post #22 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by libby74 View Post
As hard as it's going to be, I'm going to stick to my guns this time. If there's no cash, there's no vacation.
i think that's the best plan.
post #23 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by zorana_dragonky View Post
Granted, if you hate crowds, then Disney is not for you.
LOL, that's all I need to know about Disney World. I did have a friend that lived in Orlando that told me if you went at around 4 PM in the Summer you could avoid most of the crowds though. He told me that the rain would move in at about the same time every day and the tourists would all head back to their hotels. That's when the locals would show up.




As for the OP, I think it's insane to be putting anything you really don't need on a high interest credit card right now. We could all be just a layoff away from financial hardship. It's one thing to put something essential on a credit card like food, a car repair, or dental work, but racking up a huge balance over a vacation or something else that's completely optional is just nuts. If you default on them it will haunt you for a long tie. It also sounds like there are a lot of ego issues going on there as well - he can't stand the idea his parents think he's not going because he can't afford it.

One thing I will say is that it sounds like he really only enjoys going to amusement parks and riding rides, so I think that definitely needs to be taken into account when planning vacations. Dragging him to NYC and visiting museums for a week wouldn't be much of a vacation to him, more like misery. That said, there are LOTS of amusement parks in the world besides Disney. Try and plan your vacations near one of them and visit the local attractions for a few days and then spend a few at the amusement park. He'll probably be bored stiff for the first few days, but then you will be too while at the park, and if you're lucky your daughter will enjoy it all. That way you both get some of what you want. Maybe do that every other year, or else for 1 week each year and let him do Disney for the other week.
post #24 of 24
Not trying to be mean, but I'd personally cancel the credit card and open up a new one without him on it so that he HAS to come up with the money to go or else he can't go. The way it sounds now, he's just spending WAY to much and that's not fair. OR you could let him do the bills for a few months and he might finally see how much you actually spend..
Just a few ideas for you.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: The Cat Lounge
TheCatSite.com › Forums › General Forums › The Cat Lounge › Hubby's Annoyed; Am I Wrong? (kind of long)