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Problem dont know how to handle

post #1 of 18
Thread Starter 
really not sure were to post this, maybe this is just gonna be a sounding board im not sure, many of you may have seen this thread by now..


it was around the beginning of novemeber this happend, hubby understanadbly is very upset, this is were the prob comes in!

when we lost henry we let his parents take on the 2 gingers as we couldnt deal with them at the time, they settled in really easily and have adapted, soo...

My way of dealing with it, is by trying to talk and remebering him, it kinda helps ease the ache, maybe its just a womens thing

now hubby & his way of dealng with it....get another cat, he has put down a deposit on another already, he doesnt want the gingers back as they were so close to henry, its almost like he wants a fresh start, wipe henry from memory and move on
also his parents ahve fallen in love and he dont wana uproot them as they sadly lost there 17yr old dog in october

iI said can we please wait, but he wont says it will help him get over henry, this one isnt due to be ready till end jan, so I have a few weeks to try and talk sense into him, but what do you lot think?

is it wrong to get anther kitten so soon after henrys loss, also whats henry gonna think? I dont want to forgot henry, we have a couple pics up in pride of place, but oh I dont know so hard to explain, I just wish I understood men more!

sorry mods if this in the wrong place
post #2 of 18
That`s a tough one as I`ve never lost one of my cat`s so I can only imagine how devastated you are

I don`t think it would be wrong to get another kitten. You can never replace Henry but this new kitten may ease your heartache. I`m sure Henry would be pleased that another special kitty will know the love he did.
post #3 of 18
First, so sorry for your loss.

Several years ago, I lost my almost 18 yo dog when the back gate was left open accidentally. I found her body in a field about 12 hours later. I know how you feel.

About 3 weeks later, on my 40th birthday no less, I finally decided to clean up her bedding, put away her bowls, collar, etc. No sooner had I done so than a friend pulled into my driveway with a stray she'd found on the side of the road, sitting by her littermate who'd been run over.

I planned to take the little dog to the shelter the next day, as they had closed for the day. However, when my husband came home from work, he took one look at the stray and announced we had our new dog. I guess I just wanted to feel better, so I agreed.

Six years later, I've never really bonded with Katie. She is "Daddy's little princess" however. I care for her and about her, but I simply wasn't ready, and there is a wall built up between her and my feelings. What ended up happening for us was we adopted another dog---one I chose---about 6 months later. Sally is my girl, and I love her dearly, because I was READY.

So I guess I am saying that there will have to be some compromising between the two of you. You may find you are suddenly ready when your husband's new kitten comes home and you might not be. It hasn't been the end of the world for me to have Katie...but I'm really happy I have Sally. heheheh Something like that may work for you all, too.

Glad the Ginger Boys are happy. So sorry for your parents' loss.

Hope this helps a little, despite my ramblings. Writing about the loss of my Bonnie and those terrible months is still hard, 6 years later.

Take care,

post #4 of 18

You won't forget Henry! He will always have a special place in your hearts, and hearts are very special. There is always room for more love, without losing any of the old

There is nothing wrong with getting another kitten now, if that is what you both want. However, it should be what you both want. Your husband as much as he is grieving for Henry, shouldn't be steamrolling over your feelings.

You both need to sit down and have a good heart to heart talk and tell each other what you are feeling. Perhaps you can reach a happy middle.

You both know you want to get another kitty, but you aren't ready for one just yet, while he is and wants one in January.

Would he be willing to wait a couple more months? Or are you sure that you don't want a kitty now because you feel guilty and think you are replacing him and forgetting about him?

Maybe Henry is sending you that new kitty to help you heal. A new kitty isn't replacing Henry. Nothing can replace him in your heart. But your heart does have room to love another kitty just as much.

Either way you and your husband need to sit down and have a deep talk about respecting each others feelings.
post #5 of 18
It's an individual thing. Some people wait years while other wait days. As for what Henry will think I'm sure he know you still love him with all your heart and would be very happy to see another displaced kitty in a loving home. I don't agree completly with your hubby making this decision with out your agreement but who knows. By next month you may be ready to love another special kitty.
post #6 of 18
Thread Starter 
hey thanks for the replies, this is the lil kittie my hubby is looking into, dont know anything abouther apart from she is totally different from henry

to the person who said:

are you sure that you don't want a kitty now because you feel guilty and think you are replacing him and forgetting about him?
there is an element of that i think, so hard to exlain, henry was so unique in his ways, I feel its like Im always going to be looking for another henry, here is one of the last pics I have of him, I wasnt going to post it but they are so sweet, but with an element of sadness, hes pretty much tellng me not to leave him as I head out for the afternoon, these were about a week before..

I miss my baby soo much

r.i.p sweetie
post #7 of 18
I'm so sorry for your loss,and I agree with the others. Do whatever will help BOTH of you get through this tough time. There's nothing wrong with getting another kitten right away. I'm sure Henry would know that no cat will ever replace him in your hearts and would want you both to have whatever comfort you could while you get over losing him.

(I do agree that DH should have talked to you first, but guys handle these things differently than we do. They don't always think things through when they're upset, and it's frequently easier for them to DO something than to talk about their feelings. )
post #8 of 18
Oh my... there should be a warning on that last post! I think the kitten your hubby has picked is adorable and maybe it's a good thing that she's nothing like Henry. Wickett crawls into the window when I leave every morning too and I'm sure if we all had our wish we'd get paid to stay home and love on our kitties.

As cute as she is, if your not ready... your not ready and while DH may be he really need to understand that you aren't. I think Cally's story is a perfect fit here. If DH really is set on this new cat then see if he'd be willing to adopt a second cat when you are ready.
post #9 of 18
You will never forget Henry.
I know because I have lost so many.
Last year I got Oreo and a fewweeks later Stormy had to be pts then a month later Yoshi.
Oreo is nothing like the other two were.
I have never forgot any of my cats .
My first cat died in 1979 and I still miss him.
I do not think its to soon because I have done it.
Maybe it helps your husband by getting another cat.
When Stripe was dying from Crf Meeko was born.
I picked Meeko because she looked alot like Stripe.
Then when Meeko was three months she got very sick and almost died.
A few weeks later Stripe went in a coma and had to be pts.
Meeko is now 8.5 and is so much like Stripe was.
She acts just like her.
post #10 of 18
if thru some horrid coincidence i lost all of mine tomorrow, i'd probably be down at the shelter the next day, looking for a pair to take home.
i wouldn't be able to stand a catless home. i know mine would be cheering me on, too!
post #11 of 18
I personally find it easier to get another one asap. You can never replace Henry but a new little one will help you heal by getting you to smile again. Mine always give me so much joy. There are so many out there that need a home. I don't think it's selfish. You have to do what's best for you though.
post #12 of 18
Thread Starter 
thanks for all the advice its been a huge help to get an outsiders point of view,
Im gonna talk to hubby when he gets home, and Im going to go meet this kitten and see what my gut instint says,
ill keep you updated on how things go

post #13 of 18
I lost my cat of over 15 years and two weeks later I adopted another kitty from a shelter. No I have not forgot my Misty, she was the love of my life and I am still grieving. I thought bringing in another kitty would soften the blow but it is not working. I am not sorry I adopted the new lil gal but Misty is on my mind every single day and I still cry over her every night. The one thing about adopting another kitty so soon is she does keep me busy and smile sometimes. I live alone and this kitty keeps me company. I can honestly say I don't love this kitty yet but someday I will. She is well fed and I play with her since she is only about 2 years old and very spunky so I am taking good care of her, the love will come eventually. What I'm trying to say is if you do adopt another kitty, you will not forget Henry. No one can replace him but I don't see anything wrong in giving a homeless kitty a new home.
post #14 of 18
Oh, she's adorable. Let your husband get her. You can still grieve, but maybe he wants something to pour his emotion into and help heal instead of letting it eat at him.

I've lost a lot of pets, sadly. Maybe my views on death/loss are a little different than most. I believe that life goes on, and in the case of pets, there's more out there that need good loving owners. You can spend forever grieving, but you can't change the past. You can however make a difference in the future.

Move on, do what you have to do to help with that. Like a scrap/memory book full of pictures and short little stories about him.
post #15 of 18
I understand how you feel.

When i was young i had a kitty called Sneaky, she was my world, I was completely devastated when she died, I even knew that she was dying while i was at school because I was so distressed! We had such a close bond. She was only two and a half years old. I couldnt bond with any other kitty like i did with her, but i still loved all the other cats and dogs we had at home. When we moved to Germany when I was 15 my father told us no more pets as it is so heart breaking to find them homes when we move again. I told my father that the next time i moved i would be taking my pets with me!
Just after i turned 18 i got Gatto, I was ready to have a cat again, we clicked he was my baby but that special bond wasn't there. On my 19th birthday Kaylee was given to me as a gift. She is a replica of Sneaky. She sat on my lap and the bond was there. Instantly the energy was there it is so hard to describe but that bond was definetely there!!!

I love both kitties very very much Gatto isnt clingy like Kaylee is, she loves me only!

I will never forget sneaky, she will always carry on in my heart.

What i'm trying to say is, one day you will be able to bond to another kitty just like Henry but you will never forget Henry he is watching over you making sure you are ok!
post #16 of 18
Aw sweetie, I'm so sorry about Henry . Believe me, you will never, never forget him; he will always have a piece of your heart.
I do think your husband should have consulted you before finding another kitten. Maybe he knew you'd say you weren't ready and just wanted to show you that you are ready, whether you know it or not. The fact that the little charmer he picked out is nothing like Henry is a good thing, IMO.
Youi're not being disloyal to Henry. If anything, Henry showed you the joys of living with and loving a kitty and you'll be honoring his memory by loving another one. Keep an open mind and an open heart.
post #17 of 18
I'm sorry for your loss. Arlyn first told me of what happened to Henry the other day i had to stop what i was doing and go and hug my kitties. One thing i ask of you is never ever forget Henry. he was a very very special kitty. You will find another kitty that will in its own way fill the place Henry once held in your life...just takes time. you will know when. Your husband is doing what he believes needs to be done to fill the space in his life henry once held. Have patience with him too.
post #18 of 18
Aw, Mermaid, I'm so sorry about your Henry.

My guess is that Henry would want you to share your home with another cat.
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