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Restraining order help

post #1 of 21
Thread Starter 
So this week I am filing my first restraining order

Some crazy customer at my work has harased me into getting the police involved, and I am getting transfered to another store. I'm happy they are taking me seriously at work about this guy finally, but its still scary. Im already a scaredy cat, and now i have to be escorted to my car everyday, watch whos following me, and im terrified of being home alone.

This is the second time ive had to be transfered for a crazy bleeping customer who wont leave me alone. The cop today actually told me today "Maybe you should eat a bunch of chocolate and get fat, then stop taking care of yourself and guys will leave you alone" I dont think men really understand what this feels like.

I could really use some vibes, and maybe tell me Im not alone?

BTW, my fiance is being really supportive, but he cant be with me all day
post #2 of 21
I would suggest some self defense classes as the RO is a piece of paper and anyone crazy enough for you to need one is likely to walk right thru it
post #3 of 21
OMG, I can't believe the cop said that to you. I'd say you should report him, but since you're going to be depending on the cops for protection. maybe you shouldn't. Most men really have no damn clue what it's like.

What an awful situation. I'm just curious, what kind of store do you work in?

Definitely sign up for a self-defense class, maybe something geared towards women. You don't have to be super athletic or anything; I'm not and I took one. It's not just learning moves, it really helps you set boundaries and build confidence. The one I went to taught all sorts of strategies for avoiding dangerous situations and getting yourself out of them if it should happen.

I think it's amazing how many women put up with this crap because society has made it more important for us to be polite and genteel, rather than defend ourselves in potentially dangerous situations or avoid them in the first place. Like, we're more afraid of offending someone if we cross to the other side of the street if we see someone approaching us on the sidewalk. Or what that guy in the elevator will think if we choose to "forget something" and go back to get it, rather than get on the elevator alone with him.

The one I went to was $115 or so for 4 2-hour classes, which is very reasonable. It was at a women's martial arts studio. I don't know if money is an issue, but I saw your location was the east bay area and did a search for "east bay ca women's self defense class" and found this on Craigslist- $5 self-defense class.

Good luck!
post #4 of 21
I hope the crazy fool leaves u alone!
post #5 of 21
Scary! Maybe the cop was trying to make a joke
A self defense class is a great idea
post #6 of 21
Originally Posted by lsanders View Post
I think it's amazing how many women put up with this crap because society has made it more important for us to be polite and genteel, rather than defend ourselves in potentially dangerous situations or avoid them in the first place. Like, we're more afraid of offending someone if we cross to the other side of the street if we see someone approaching us on the sidewalk. Or what that guy in the elevator will think if we choose to "forget something" and go back to get it, rather than get on the elevator alone with him.
that is so true!

Meowers, I hope the RO works in getting the message through to the guy who's harassing you.
post #7 of 21
You need a self-defense class..... and that cop needs some sensitivity training!!!
post #8 of 21
I'm so sorry, just know you can always come here if you need to talk, or email me. I do think that SD classes are a good idea, but franky you need something until you are sure you can handle yourself, or atleast thats how I would feel. I would suggest atleast adding a few new toys to your keychain (a bring push light that you could hit with a thumb, same with a noise maker of some kind) the idea is to a) throw him off guard, and b) get the attention of everyone around you. maybe even a small bottle of hairspray in your purse. It looks innocent enough but if you spray it in their eyes, you would surely get the upper hand...
post #9 of 21
Do you carry a whistle?? Years ago when I took a self defense class we were told to yell FIRE instead of HELP to attract more attention. Your elbows and feet are really effective weapons.

I would take a self defense class too.
post #10 of 21
You need a self-defense class..... hmm good idea if you can get your self into the mind set, that you are will to harm the person attacking you, I cant tell you how many times i showed a female something, only to hear, something like i cant do that , that would hurt them,,, yea what ever

second, get some mace or pepper spray,

third, get a couple of male friends to have conversation with him( i have done that for more then a few females friends)
post #11 of 21
Originally Posted by sharky View Post
I would suggest some self defense classes as the RO is a piece of paper and anyone crazy enough for you to need one is likely to walk right thru it

Yes this is very very true! When I was raped at 15, We got a restraining order against the 18 year old that done it. He stocked me for a year afterwards and finally caught up with me in wal-mart he told me he would kill me for ruining his life. He was walking me out when I ran into mom and the guy had a death grip on my arm I was scared to death, Mom just started screaming it caused a major distraction and luckily enough the police were already in the store due to a shop-lifting accident earlier. He was arrested on the spot and got out on bail the next day. Now I dont do anything by myself. Im too scared to! I wish you lots of luck and safety in this situation!
post #12 of 21
The others are right a self defence class is important. I made my daughter take it when she was twleve, and again when she was fourteen. You never know when you could use it.
post #13 of 21
I had to get a Personal Protection Order against an ex-boyfriend. He stalked me for 18 months after I broke up with him. I used to find footprints in the snow all around my house, in front of the windows. It was creepy! The cops really never did a thing to help me. They said that I couldn't prove that it was Psycho-Dan's footprints. And.....who else did they think would be circling my house and looking in the windows??? I had a friend from work teach me how to shoot a pistol, and he was looking into finding one for me to purchase, when Psycho-Dan just up and moved to Texas. Yay!!! I also would recommend some self defense lessons. My heart goes out to you!
post #14 of 21
I am a fourth degree black belt in Korean Sword Style martial arts, so my strategy would be to just beat the beegeezes out of him, but that's just me. Your mileage may vary.

I agree with the women's self defense courses, carrying pepper spray and one of those very bright, laser-type lights on your key chain. Pepper spray or shining one of those laser lights into the eyes is a real effective stoppage technique. Keys are also a great weapon when poked into an eye ... graphic, I know, but it gets the message across in a way that no one will ever be able to misinterpret.

As for the TRO when you get it, you will want to document your evidence in the instance he violates it, because unless the po-po actually see him in violation, they won't do diddly about it unless you have undeniable evidence. If you have a cell phone with a camera, take pictures of him showing him closer to you than the TRO proximity allows. (Most have a certain number of feet that he cannot be closer to you than that) Also, document any phone calls he makes to you, mark down time, date and your response. Your ONLY response should be to hang up. Do not EVER engage in a conversation with him as this can be legally construed as a consentual conversation, TRO or not. You can always have the police request your LUD's (phones local usage details) if you need them to back up your evidence of hanging up. Calls showing on your LUD's will reflect you hanging up as a call shorter than 60 seconds. If he approaches you physically, ~~~NEVER EVER~~~ talk to him, or acknowledge his presence in any way other than to see that he is there, avoid ALL eye contact and if he approaches you to engage in conversation, turn around and walk away towards a place with plenty of people around who can vouch that you in no way consented to the interaction. Make a fuss while walking away, loudly say ( so others can hear you ) things like "Leave me alone or I'll call the police", but don't talk to him directly.

From one who has been in your shoes, be very, very careful. And don't do anything that can put you in harm's way ... escorts to the car are a fabulous idea as is never being out by yourself. Always have someone else with you until you can get the TRO issued.

Best of luck, my dear.
post #15 of 21
I don't know how California does things but here with a bit of training you would qualify for a concealed carry permit. A 357 will make you just as large as any man. The lady who was raped might want to consider this as well, since she seems to still be having problems.
post #16 of 21
Oh gee this is the first time I've seen this, I'm so sorry you're going through it!!

I hope he gets bored with it real soon now and just leaves you alone
post #17 of 21
I am so sorry this is happening to you, I know how frightening it can be. I woke up with my stalker standing over me watching me sleep twice. I pretended to still be asleep and put my hand under my spare pillow where my gun was. I also carried mace everywhere I went until I was able to prove he was stalking me. He was a doctor, and I worked at the coffee shop in the hospital.
Please be careful and get or do something to protect yourself.
post #18 of 21
My advice to you- don't let that piece of paper give you a false sense of security. They are good to have and can certainly be helpful, but don't let that fool you into letting your guard down.

My dad had a restraining order against him, but that didn't stop him from breaking into our house when I was young and beating the crap out of my mom right in front of me. I say that not to scare you, but just so you know to always been on the safe side and not to let your guard down ( my mom had an order of protection against him and it still didn't stop him from hurting her- if they're set on doing you harm, a piece of paper won't stop them.)

My suggestion to you would definitely be a self defense class, but also things like pepper spray, a whistle,things like that. Don't just keep them tucked away in your purse though- have them out and ready to use anytime you're out walking. When you do walk from your car to a building, be aware of your surroundings- don't distract yourself with cell phones, bulky bags, etc... when you walk, every few paces, it's wise to turn around in a full circle or at least look all around you so you're aware of your surroundings. I'd also recommend going places with other friends/family so you're not alone.

If you are leaving the grocery store and he tries to hurt you- use your grocery cart as a barrier between you and him - same for your purse/etc....put something between the two of you because it might just help you break away. If he does approach you- you do whatever you need to to call attention to yourself- you scream "fire" or whatever you need to to get others to notice what's happening. (I agree with the others, I was always taught to scream "fire" instead of "rape" or "help" because it attracts more people).

A few other suggestions- always try to look under your car and in the back seat of your car before you get in it just to be safe. I would also install security lights all the way around my house if I were you and cut back any bushes or hedges that would make good hiding spots. It might also be a good idea to buy a little panic button that will make a ton of noise when pressed....have it out with you at all times and be ready to press it if you need to. (it will do you no good if it's away in your pocket or purse.)

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now I hope things get resolved soon and this creep leaves you alone.

I'm sorry about what that idiot cop said to you, that was very unprofessional. My husband is a cop, and I don't think he'd ever say anything like that. It's just rude.
post #19 of 21
i'm single, & often go out alone when i'll have to walk back to my car after dark. i always have my keys out, w/at least one between my fingers sticking out so it can, if necessary, be used as a weapon. keys can really hurt someone if used correctly. i'm very cautious - i even start closing the garage door before turning off the car [i turn it off before it completely closes, of course!] in order to stay protected. i live in a small town, very little crime - but these are habits i formed from years ago, when i lived in a large metropolitan area.
i don't have a whistle, but i'm can be loud when i want to be! years of training & an inherited voice that carries. i'm also very strong for a woman [another inherited characteristic]. i'd suggest a self-defense class as much for the confidence as for the techniques.
post #20 of 21
Thread Starter 
Thank you all so much!

The police went to his house (we have his personal info since he aplied for a job) that night and scared him pretty bad I heard. They told him he is not allowed anywhere near me or the store, or he will aressted. I work in a retail store.

This guy is mentally ill and off his meds they said. His parents were called over and told to take responsibility. This guy is about 40, and just went off the deep end I guess since he stopped whatever meds hes on.

I am being transferred to another store far enough away that I think he will find something else to do. I am so happy to be leaving that store! He's been bothering me for the better part of a year now, but was never angry-weird until Thursday.

The RO definetly doesnt make me feel very safe, so the self defense class is something will happen for sure. Dont think he knows where I live, but who knows. Ive been making sure to not be alone too much just in case. Since I dont know him outside of him being a customer, its hard to tell where this will go, but I feel positive. I am carrying pepper spray for now, and I like the whistle idea.

Also I have a cold, and all this stress has taken a toll on me. I slept 17 hours last night! Good to have a couple of days off.
post #21 of 21
You're definitely not alone, a lot of women get stalked, and a lot of them don't get taken seriously. I've been stalked twice, and whenever I told people they just said things like "Oh that's so cute, I wish I got that kind of attention" or "Don't worry about it, he just has a crush". It's ridiculous. Being stalked is a scary, and serious thing. Everyone here has given some really great suggestions. I always have a good grip on my car key when I'm walking to my car. Whenever I get harassed I first tell the harasser to leave me alone in a firm tone. If that doesn't work, I threaten them,(I've gotten really good at sounding like I mean business). If they still don't stop, I implement the tried and true kick to the testes technique, and run somewhere where there's a lot of people, making a lot of noise along the way.
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