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post #1 of 48
Thread Starter 
Have any of you ever been in a relationship where there is an unequal amount of love involved? If so how did you resolve the tention it creates.

I have been in my current relationship for 11 months as of yesterday and I am pretty happy with it but the fact that my girl can drive me up a wall most of the time makes me question how much I love her. It feels like I spend 90% of my time repressing negative feelings towards her. When she calls I sometimes actually shutter because I don't want to talk to her and then I try to quickly find an excuse to get off the phone.

I know I care about her though because when I try to end the relationship I just can't do it because it would crush her. She loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me. She has said that many times and I believe her and when I think about it, the being together forever part, it just makes me feel uneasy. If this was a good healthy relationship that uneasyness shouldn't be there. She doesn't know how I feel because I can't really tell her how I feel with out her flying off the handle. She overreacts to EVERYTHING and is very childish which isn't good when your 30.

Two Examples:

1) We were playing Monopoly the other day and I was winning. She gets mad, throws the dice across the room and then curls up in the fetal position and starts balling because I am winning(she had beaten the pants off of me the last two games). When I go to build houses she starts crying again and asks me why I am doing this to her. She has no problem building 4 hotels on a property when she is winning but when I try to build houses she lays on the guilt.

2) After the game of Monopoly ends, no winner I gave in and traded her 90 percent of my properties and then we decided to quit she asks me to spend the night with her because its 3:30 and she doesn't want me driving home that late. I politely said "I would rather stay at the hotel tonight" because I am sick and tired of her behavior from the last 5 hours of Monopoly. I said it very camly and in a non-insulting way and she starts balling again. After I calm her down she asks again if I would stay and I say again "I would rather not." Get gets up out of bed and sits in front of the door to her room so I can't leave and then starts to cry again. I calm her down again and again she asks if I stay and by this time I am a little angry at her for acting this way so I lose my cool and say "If I stay its because I want you to be happy, not because I want to". Again she gets in the fetal position and starts balling. Long story short I stayed there that night but we didn't stop fighting until 5 AM and she had to work at 10:30 the next morning.

After that night I have really questioned if I wanted to be in the relationship with someone who can act that way at 30. She almost seems borderline bi-polor with her mood shifts and its very hard to deal with. I love her, if I didn't I wouldn't stay with her but I am starting to get worn out and tired of this relationship. I am honestly only staying because I don't want to hurt her, I care so much that I am willing to stay in this relationship to make her happy but its not fair to me, and its not really fair to her.

How should I fix this?
post #2 of 48
you can't fix it. she is choosing to behave that way and you are allowing her too.

you haven't mentioned one thing you like or love about her, just a lot that you don't.
post #3 of 48
Originally Posted by tab View Post
you can't fix it. she is choosing to behave that way and you are allowing her too.

you haven't mentioned one thing you like or love about her, just a lot that you don't.

Cant say it better then that really. Are you really willing to risk happiness for the rest of your life becasue your worried about hurting someones feelings? Yes, she will probably be hurt but not to be too harsh, everyone needs and will get hurt at some point in thiers lives. Its how we learn about things. She will get over it eventually BUT if you stay, you are unhappy forever.
post #4 of 48
Back in this thread of yours, many people posted concerns about your relationship, despite you repeatedly sticking up for her. I don't think anyone's opinions are going to change, especially with what you have posted now.
post #5 of 48
My feelings about your relationship with this girl have been said time and again in this thread, as well as others:


So I won't bother to repeat them here.

In short, she's using you!

How should you fix it? Dump her!
post #6 of 48
It sounds to me like she is showing clear signs of having bi-polar disorder. My current SO had an ex that was and your examples sound like his ex to the T. Maybe she should see a doctor for these mood swings. Because to me it sounds like the more she acts out the more you want to pull away. You need to sit down and talk to her about these things. Hopefully she won't take them the wrong way. But if you really feel tired of things you need to tell her. You say that if you ended things it would crush her but what about you? Would you feel a sense of relief or does the thought of being alone scare you? For your own well being if you want out then get out but saying that you haven't done it yet for her sake sounds like a cheap cop out IMO.
post #7 of 48
You have already received a lot of good advice, and I know how hard it can be to implement it, especially when you know none of us are in your situation.

I do want to add, though, that from the posts that I have read from you about her and your relationship, it honestly does not sound like you are in love with her. You sound like a wonderful, sweet guy, and it sure sounds like you care for her a lot, but that is different from being IN LOVE with her. One of the best ways to think about it is, ask yourself "Can I see myself with this person when we're 80?". It already sounds like that answer is no.

It would be such a shame for you to spend the rest of your life, or even just a few more years, with this woman that you are not in love with just because you don't want to hurt her. As silvionc said, this will be a great learning experience for her. You may or may not break her heart if you leave her, but it won't kill her and she will benefit from it in the long run. She has to learn just as you are.

Whatever you decide to do, for you!
post #8 of 48
I've been where you are, with a woman who behaved just like this. She needs help, and you're enabling her to stay sick by allowing the behavior you're describing.

It sounds harsh, but trust someone who has been in your shoes. Once she gets the help she needs, she may become a person whom you can love and with whom you can have a stable relationship. But she is not that person now.

My advice to you is this: leave her, or give her an ultimatum if you really want to stick it out: get help, or you're leaving.

You can't force her to get better, but you can push her in that direction and/or remove yourself from the situation.
post #9 of 48
You really want my advice? It sounds to me as if she is indeed borderline/bi-polar, and that you are "addicted" to her and enabling her. How do I know this? Because I was in the same position that you are, several years ago...

You can't change or "fix" her. She has to seek help on her own. And why would you want to stay, if you're as miserable as you are? You even admitted yourself that you can't see yourself spending the rest of your life with her. If you feel that way, why waste anymore time with her??

You can't stay with someone you're miserable with, or b/c you're afraid you'll hurt her feelings. It doesn't work that way.

Life is too short. I think it's time to get on with it.
post #10 of 48
Besides.....if someone can drive you up the wall in less than a year, forget marraige.......it should take years before your mate can drive you up the wall!
post #11 of 48
Dude...RUN!!!! It's apparent that she hasn't grown up yet. Either that or she knows that crying will force you to give in to what she wants. Do you want to live like that? Either way I would seriously reconsider staying with her.
post #12 of 48
Okay - I just finished reading the link to the other thread, and all I can say is that you were "warned", and it sounds to me that both of you have a lot of serious issues and really need to grow up.

And I'm sorry, but if I were you, I'd be ashamed of myself. YOUR parents should be your main concern in your life - not some girl who obviously doesn't give a hoot about you or your welfare.

I really have nothing else to say: it's all been said in the other thread.
post #13 of 48
RUN!! Don't walk, don't pass go, don't collect two hundred dollars!!!!! You need to get out & she needs to get some help!!
post #14 of 48
Hon, you can't stay with someone out of guilt and that is what you're doing. You already feel guilty because you will hurt her if you end it. Yeah, you will. That is life. You have to look out for you. It is VERY hard to break up with someone but you have to think about what makes you happy...and from what you said she isn't making you happy.

She definitely has some issues. Maybe she IS bi-polar. If that's the case she needs to see a doctor and get on medication. There is no logical reason for a woman of 30 to curl into a fetal position when you say you want to leave. Or to start crying because you are winning at Monopoly.

Every couple has their problems, but these are too extreme to ignore. And you realize this or else you wouldn't have posted it. I agree with everyone else...get out of it. If she does have bi-polar issues, it is up to you if you want to be there as a friend, but as for a "relationship" this one is doomed if she stays the way she is.
post #15 of 48
i would refuse to continue a relationship like this, myself. she sounds like she's in junior high or middle school!
post #16 of 48
And this woman is supposedly 30?


post #17 of 48
Originally Posted by algebrapro18 View Post

I know I care about her though because when I try to end the relationship I just can't do it because it would crush her.
That is not a reason to stay with her. You would be settling, resulting in a lot of resentment toward her later. You will argue a lot and the behavior you are currently complaining about will multiply.
post #18 of 48
Sorry, but staying with someone just to not hurt their feelings isn't the way to go. 30 year olds don't act that way, she sounds like a little kid. And I agree with the others who mentioned one of your previous threads.. the people who posted there saying you should leave her aren't going to say any different. I'd be long gone by now.
post #19 of 48
From what you have told us about her, between this thread and the previous, she does not sound like someone you should be with. Everyone here has listed countless reasons why you should get rid of her, so I won't waste your time by listing them. (I'm also pretty sure I haven't read anyone actually encouraging you to stay with her.) Breaking up with her will be difficult and painful, but if you are questioning your relationship this much, (and she acts so immaturely!) you have to.

My ex-boyfriend wanted to break up with me, but he didn't want to hurt me. Knowing that he had second thoughts about me hurt me more than anything and I was forced to end the relationship because he couldn't bring himself to do it. We were together over 4 years and I loved him very much.

It will be hard, but I think you should end the relationship rather than drag it out.
post #20 of 48
Originally Posted by algebrapro18 View Post
...She almost seems borderline bi-polor...
That's a massive understatement. No sane adult behaves this way! Maybe you're too close to the situation to recognize this poor woman for what she is: a deeply disturbed individual with severe mental illness.

No wonder she's still living with her parents. I hope she's getting help with this! If she's not, maybe that's the role you're supposed to fulfill in her life: persuading her family to get her to a psychiatrist.

And then, in my opinion, you should get completely out of her life. You can't fix what's wrong with her. It's entirely possible that no one can.
post #21 of 48
IMO you are doing far more of the giving and she's doing far more of the taking. Its hard to be in a relationship when one is a giver and one is a taker. My ex was like that - he was the taker and rarely gave. I was the one to give in all the time. (he also abused me).

DH and I are both givers. You want to give your best in a relationship - not 50/50 but 100/100. I'd take a very long hard look at the relationship. You cannot fix a person, they have to fix themselves.

You can either stay in the relationship out of "duty" or you can seriously considering ending it. Yes she will be upset and probably cry/beg because you have a long history. But I see you resenting things little by little till you cannot stand her and her actions any more.

Question to answer: Can you honestly see yourself being happy with her for the next 30/40 yrs. If the answer is no, you know what you have to do.
post #22 of 48
I just read through your other thread and all I can say is....WOW! First of all, I can't believe that you would ask your parents for so much money and not have a job!

My first semester in college I owed $800 out of pocket, my mom paid, and as soon as I found a job the first thing I did was pay her back! I couldn't have made it without her and I knew that it stretched her pretty thin.

I am 27 and still live at home, but I was saving for a downpayment on a house. As a single person on a not so great income, that was the only way I could ever do it. My parents allowed me to stay home rent free, however, I ran all their errands, took care of the yard, cooked, and helped clean the house. I paid for anything that I may have wanted, minus food. I was very blessed to have them as my parents and I will be forever grateful. Later on, my parents asked me for money to borrow to pay a credit card off - and naturally - I did, for without them I would never have been able to save.

I was going to look this year, but my mom got sick and we switched roles. I became the parent and took care of her the best I could. She always came first and I called constantly while I was at work.

With your parent's condition I am shocked and appalled that A. You would ask them for more money not to include what they have already given you especially considering their medical bills! B. That this gf of yours isn't willing to meet you halfway there is something seriously wrong.

I think that you are being selfish in putting her first when your parents need you desperately in their time of need. Your parents will always be there for you, girls will come and go. Do not throw away your lifeline. You owe them in the very least to go and help them out.

If you have time to see her, you have time to see them. She sounds severely disturbed and immature. If she can't make her own decisions at 30, what makes you think she will in a year or 5 years? If you are not happy, this relationship is more parasitic than you originally thought. She does not sound like she has it all there and needs to see about getting some help. She is playing mind games with you to keep you there when you really don't want to.

Get out while you can. You will regret it if you don't not to include all the money you borrowed from your parents just to see her. Your family is always there for you - see them while you can.
post #23 of 48
There is a lot of red flags that you need to pay attention to in your relationship. If you take this relationship to the next level and set up house with her you will see more dysfunctional behavior that will make the monopoly game look like a good day. Usually when people are dating they try to cover their short comings. Can you imagine what it would be like to live with somebody like that? You need to find somebody who is happy to be with you, and is your best friend. You have a bright future ahead of you, and you deserve somebody who is going to love and appreciate you. I don't want to be judgemental of your relationship. I just think you should step back and do some soul searching on what would make you happy.
post #24 of 48
Do you know if she has ever had any boyfriends before you-either casual or serious??
Does she speak of any close friends or have friends that she does things with??
There might be a reason that she still lives at home. I know you said she was educated but only works part time??
You have met her parents how close is their relationship and is it too close??

You should make a list of the pros and cons of your relationship with her.
I believe you can do much better.
post #25 of 48
i have a question - how, exactly, does this relationship improved your life?
i'm not saying it makes you happy, because relationships can't do that. they can make your life more pleasant in many ways. but basic happiness, contentment w/life, is something YOU must be responsible for. another person can't make you happy.
in all of the stuff you've posted about this 'relationship', the only benefit i can see that you get is sex.
now, she gets plenty. but that's all i see you getting. & with the $$$ you've supposedly spent on her, you could probably get that from someone else.
post #26 of 48
You don't live near her and she refuses to come and see you. Break up with her - you'll never see her again anyway!
post #27 of 48
Tell her this.... "The next time you behave so immaturely I will leave."

Then DO IT.

You're doing what she wants and it's certainly not making you happy.
post #28 of 48
In the 11 months that you've been seeing her, how many times have you actually seen her?, because from your previous threads it doesn't sound like it's been many, and if that's the case if you can't manage a long distance relationship then you can't live with each other.
post #29 of 48
Sometimes, you just have to make a choice and stick with it, because it's the right thing to do.

I had a girfriend in college who was a very nice girl. She was well-off, her folks liked me, etc. The only problem was that as I thought about it, I realized that we could never be happy together in the long run. She wasn't much of a reader, she wasn't adventuresome, I couldn't imagine her riding on the back of a motorcycle, etc. We just didn't fit together. I hated breaking up with her, because I knew her romantic chances weren't good, somewhat for the reasons I just mentioned, and she thought I was "the one."

I feel bad about it every time I think about it. But it probably saved me a lot of years of unhappiness.

It sound to me like you realize that spending time with this girl (woman?) feels more like babysitting your 5-year-old little sister. If that's what you want, that's fine; but you should be honest with yourself about what you're getting yourself into.
post #30 of 48
I am confused as to why you keep posting about your relationship with her and asking for advice??? You have posted many, many times about this relationship, have gotten TONS of excellent input and advice and you have taken NONE of the advice. You obviously are going to do your own thing, good or bad, no matter what anybody has to say about it. Your problems with her have not gotten any better and the great advice that you re getting here (that YOU are asking for) is the same in every post in every thread...so what is the point of continuing to ask for advice on what to do?

Well, my (not so new) advice is it is time for you to grow up, move on, and gain some maturity and responsibility.
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