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But I'm Still Hurting...advice/ears/prayers

post #1 of 20
Thread Starter 
I hope I can get this all typed before I start bawling/my boss comes back from lunch. My DBF and I have been in a relationship for 2.5 years. Last fall we hit a road block when I found out he had cheated and so I cheated. We got past it, and our relationship was renewed and strong. Along the way we had a couple of fights because I was trying to build the trust back, and we almost got to a destructive point because he kept telling me that he loved me and only wanted to be with me yet it seemed I never believed him or nothing he did was ever good enough. I assured him that I believed him. It just took a few months for me to get over the cheating.

Well we got past that issue. A couple months ago we moved in together. We have started looking at rings. He has a girl friend that I have always been insecure about because I never hang out with her. She works with him. I know a lot about her because he fills me in on her life so that I am not insecure about their relationship. Lately I have been fine with it although we have had a couple heated discussions about her.

Saturday night she sent him a picture message of her in the dress she bought for her cousin's wedding. I saw it and got a little stupid and asked to see his phone so I could look at their text messages. I have no idea why because the photo wasn't inappropriate and I trust their text messages and I trust him. We got in a really big fight because we were back to where we were again, my insecurities, and last night she told him she didn't think they needed to be friends anymore because she feels she is causing conflict with he and I. That is far from what I would have ever wanted and I even texted her and begged her not to do that.

Well this devastates me because now I feel like I have broken up their friendship and I am afraid he will resent me for it. I feel like he and I are going in circles and just when things get good I go and mess them up with my insecurities. I swore to him this time things would be different and he loves me with all his heart but he is just unsure and scared of what the future holds for us. That terrifies me because I absolutely cannot live without him.

If someone can give me any insight or hope, or just say a quick prayer... this man is the love of my life and I just hope I have not pushed him away forever this time. If anyone wants to offer any counseling I would be happy to give more information. I just had to try to keep this short so that it was worth reading and so that I would have time to post and check back. I just have to prove to him somehow that if not her, it won't be his next friend that I'm insecure about. I need to prove to him that I trust him and that this will never come up again.
post #2 of 20
This whole situation is about lack of trust.

Without trust there can be no relationship.

My advice would be to move out into your own place. Skip the getting engaged at this point in the relationship because as the relationship is right now, it's doomed.

Once you are out on your own and independent, go back to dating.

If you can't get beyond him cheating (which you have no right to even be upset about because you also cheated on him), then my advice is to move on and find yourself someone who has eyes only for you and doesn't cheat.

Also, in the future, 2 wrongs don't make a right. Just because he cheated on you, doesn't mean you should go out and cheat on him too. Take the higher road.
post #3 of 20
Thread Starter 
Oh trust me, I know I was in the wrong too. I was just trying to say that although he immediately forgave me and moved past it, it took me a little longer to get past it because that's how I am.
post #4 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by greenvillegal View Post
Oh trust me, I know I was in the wrong too. I was just trying to say that although he immediately forgave me and moved past it, it took me a little longer to get past it because that's how I am.
You still haven't gotten past it. If you are honest with yourself you will see that you do not trust him and that you are afraid he is cheating with that girl or someone else.

If I were in your position, and I have been, I would move out and end the relationship completely.

Trust me when I say that when we are "in love" we always feel that person is our soul mate and the one we are meant to be with. It's just how the love emotion is. It's like a drug and can be addicting in it's affect that it has on us. But you will find someone that you are compatible with. This one just might not be the one, and IMHO he isn't.

Just don't make the mistake of getting engaged and married, because that won't change anything. If the relationship is bad before, it will be bad afterwards, and splitting up after a marriage or children is a whole lot messier and more expenisive than it is before any further committments are made.
post #5 of 20
Trust is definitely lacking in your relationship. Natalie_CA gave some really good advice, even if it is tough to follow. Especially when she said that anyone we love feels like our soul mate. It can be hard to hear, but there are better men out there that won't cheat, and if you meet one and get together, you will love him even more. Definitely don't get engaged until you really are secure in this relationship.

But, since you want to work on this one... It sounds to me like the trust issue is from your end, and rightfully so, since he cheated on you. As you know, you did wrong as well, but just like two wrongs don't make a right, so also do they not negate each other. If my man ever cheated on me, that would be IT, no questions asked and no looking back. So you are very dedicated to want to work through this together.

As you know, it will be a lot of work. Honestly, it makes me feel WORSE that you cheating on him didn't bother him as much. That worries me, but that's how I am. My only thoughts would be, if you want to keep working on this relationship, you guys need to keep a very clear, open line of communication. You both have to be completely open. He should not get upset if you ask to see his text messages. BUT, as you already know, if you trust him, you should not ask in the first place, not for that reason, anyway.

So, in the future, you should stop and think, maybe count to 30, before saying anything like "let me see your phone".

And most importantly and that everything works out!
post #6 of 20
I have to be honest things like this cannot be fixed and it will hurt forever.

I honestly have to say that its better to break up for a little while or move out until you are both ready for a relationship again.

I know its harsh to read, but its the truth.
post #7 of 20
My husband cheated 2 years into our relationship. I was devastated, to say the least. I knew about it before he even had the chance to lie about it. We fought for weeks about it. I must admit I had accused him of many things he did not do, but he did this, and was busted big time. After a few weeks, he finally got me to sit down after a huge knock-down-drag-out, furniture-breaking- bullet-holes-in-the-wall fight and stop screaming at him. He promised me he would never do it again, and was very sorry he had done it at all. It took me another week to get out of him who it was, and we won't go in to the rest of it.
The point is, if your relationship is strong, you can get past this. You just have to decide if the relationship is is a permanent thing. Just because he is trying to appease you with a ring now, is it really permanent. Do you see yourself staying together through all of life's trials, and growing old together? Or will he cut and run or cheat again when things get tough? Do you want him to be the father of your children? Is he someone you can count on? Those are tough questions, but better to answer them to yourself now than later. You don't want to be 50 years old and look in the mirror one day and wonder if you wasted your life being a doormat.
I have been with a wonderful man for 23 years, and about once a year I reevaluate our relationship, Only one time did the answers not come up to yes, I should stay, and I almost left him. Instead I talked to him and we worked it out. I wish you you the best, and I hope things work out like you want to.
post #8 of 20
All the sappy love songs and romantic movies have it wrong: feeling incomplete without each other is not love -- it's co-dependency.

So when you feel, as you said, that you "absolutely cannot live without him," that is a clear sign that you should live without him -- at least for awhile, until you can stand whole and confident within yourself and choose whether to be with him... or anybody else.

And although you were wrong to cheat, too, the fact remains: he cheated on you. Your wrong doesn't make his wrong right.

So in addition to everything else, please... consider whether he has made a fundamental and permanent change in his personal ethics before you commit to him.
post #9 of 20
Sometimes when I read peoples stories I wonder how I am the only psycho girlfriend on here. I always want to reply because I feel so bad when someone’s heart is broken (I’ve been there a few times) but my advice always seems so immature in comparison to everyone else’s mature responses. Comon I cant be the only crazy chick out there!

I just wanted to say that you should not feel bad at all about that situation. He wronged you, and now he has to prove to you that he will be faithful. He needs to tend to your needs. If you want to have a crazy moment, well, by all means let it out. He can’t prove anything to you if nothing happens for him to fix (does that make sense?) In my opinion if he does not forgive you for freaking out, and understand totally why you freaked and gets upset about the whole situation then he is not a very good boyfriend.

You know he’s a good man if he lets you freak out, then tells you its ok, and he understands where your coming from and ask what could he do to make you feel better about it.

Why is he telling her your personal relationship arguments though? Are they really close or something?
post #10 of 20
I think there are 2 things going on here, IMHO . One, he cheated and that's difficult to get past (no matter what stupid revenge thing you did- as you know, that doesn't make you "even", it just makes you both wrong and things worse...).

Secondly, having been in the "boyfriend has a girl for a best friend" situtation myself, I think you realize that he is quite likely more emotionally invested in his friendship with her than he is in his relationship with you, from the sound of things. That's not a good basis for a relationship. I've heard it called "emotional cheating", even if the best friend was there first. It's a rare man who can be meeting the needs of his girlfriend/wife, and the emotional needs of another woman without conflict.

You need to be in a relationship where, even if he has friends of the opposite sex, you are his best friend. I realize that there are some situations where having a best friend of the opposite sex works, but I just don't think that spending time "out with the guys" and "spending time with his best (girl) friend" are the same thing, no matter how platonic and no matter how politically incorrect it sounds, especially when there is a history of cheating; and it doesn't sound like it is working for the two of you in this particular situation, whatever the opinion about that one . You should be his priority, not any other relationship, including same sex best friends.


It does sound like his best friend is a smart woman who does have his best interests in mind when she offered to step back and not interfere, even as unintentional the interference and as innocent as their relationship is. The question is, will he take her up on it and work on bonding with you? Will he be satified emotionally with "just you"? You two need this time "alone" to work on it, and to decide if you can be what you need to be to each other when it's just the 2 of you, or if it is time to move on.

I recommend moving out too, and just dating until you get it sorted out.



Good luck.
post #11 of 20
Thread Starter 
Yes, they are really close. Of course, not anymore, because she told him she couldn't be his friend anymore because she felt she was causing drama in our lives.

I do trust him now. I think for some reason I just had a moment of weakness. I have had several moments of weakness in the past 8 months (since we've been back together after the cheating) and it just seems like I can't hurt him anymore. I have wrongfully accused him of things. But, sometimes when I have freaked out about things he has sat me down on the bed and calmly talked to me about it. He IS a good boyfriend. And I wholeheartedly believe that he has made a change in his life and ethics.

It's not that my cheating didn't bother him. It killed him. He still thinks about it to this day. But unlike me, he immediately forgave me. I held onto it and lashed out at him for a while before I finally let it go.

I have been crying all day. I just wish I had thought before I acted on Saturday. It was an innocent picture, and I freaked out. And had I stopped and took 30 seconds as suggested above, I would be happy and he would be happy and he would not have lost a very close friend.
post #12 of 20
Thread Starter 
Thank you, catsallover. You did help set my mind at ease a bit. I felt like their friendship "ending" or whatever was all my fault and that I had to do anything possible to get them to be friends again. Now I realize I shouldn't feel that way.

You hit my fear right on the head with the question, "will he take her up on it and work on bonding with you? Will he be satified emotionally with "just you"?" That is my fear. And deep down I realize that if he isn't satisfied with just me and if he doesn't want to work on our bond and not worry about her for a while, then he's not worth it. It will hurt like heck, and I'll feel like I want to die and will never get over it, but I've broken up before, so I know that I will get over it someday.

I do feel like he is more emotionally invested in his relationship with me, because if he was more with her, I feel like he would be so resentful about losing her as a friend (temporary or not) and break up with me. But he said last night that it is not my fault and that he doesn't blame me or resent me. We'll just have to see over the next couple of days to see how it plays out I guess.

Thanks everyone. Keep it coming if you have an opinion. I just ask please don't bash me for cheating on him. It was wrong, and I realize that, and I do not think I am above it at all. That is something in the past but I felt the need to bring it up because the whole episode is sorta relevant to the situation.
post #13 of 20
Thread Starter 
DBF and I had a talk tonight and everything was resolved. He talked to his gal pal and she is going to back off while he and I work on our bond. They never hang out outside of work anyway. He and I have learned from our mistakes and we are moving forward without making those mistakes again.

He is worth the fight and I really feel like things are going to be much better now that we worked together and respected each other.

Thanks for everyone who offered some great advice.
post #14 of 20
I'm glad things are looking better . It can be a long row to hoe, as they say, but it can be done. Good luck .
post #15 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by greenvillegal View Post
... I just ask please don't bash me for cheating on him.
Oh, please don't feel bashed! I think we all just wanted to reinforce what you had already acknowledged -- no bashing intended, hon.
post #16 of 20
Thread Starter 
Thanks again! I was just really sensitive yesterday.

DBF still has a lot of fears and doubts but he says he is committed 100% to me and he never wants to be with anyone else, so he just needs to work on his fears. He is petrified that we are not going to work out and I just know we will.

We both have a lot of work to do but I think that not just marriages take work. A good friend of mine suggested a Christian based book called Love & Respect. She said the principles in it would turn our relationship around. I am going to get it today to see the insight it has. Hopefully I will not be posting anymore sad messages here.

This is such a great community and I just want to say how humbled I am that so many of you care enough to come and post here for me.
post #17 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by greenvillegal View Post
Thanks again! I was just really sensitive yesterday.

DBF still has a lot of fears and doubts but he says he is committed 100% to me and he never wants to be with anyone else, so he just needs to work on his fears. He is petrified that we are not going to work out and I just know we will.

We both have a lot of work to do but I think that not just marriages take work. A good friend of mine suggested a Christian based book called Love & Respect. She said the principles in it would turn our relationship around. I am going to get it today to see the insight it has. Hopefully I will not be posting anymore sad messages here.

This is such a great community and I just want to say how humbled I am that so many of you care enough to come and post here for me.
You know, all relationships require mutual partnership and committment to be on the same page. But a relationship where you aren't even engaged yet, shouldn't be this much work.

Personally I think you made the wrong choice, but it's your life and you will live it the way you want to. Sometimes the only way to learn is to put your hand in the fire for yourself. And I fear that is exactly what you are doing here.

But I do wish you well. I really hope that for your sake that it does work for you.
post #18 of 20
You have to trust yourself to make the right decision for your life. Everyone is not bad, people do make mistakes and people can change.
I wish you all of the luck that everything works out for you.
post #19 of 20
Thread Starter 
I agree. This has just turned out to be a huge mess between us. Below I am posting an email that I sent to a friend:

"He still loves me but is struggling with several things right now that make him unsure if we can stay together."

* That our argument cycle will never end because if we don't argue over one gal pal he has, it'll be the next, or something else involving my insecurities or his.
* That we have to have something to fix to stay together because we seem strongest right after a fight.
* That we don't fight about the things we should fight about (i.e., money, chores, etc.) and we do fight about the things we shouldn't fight about.
* That he is indeed in love with me and not the idea of me or our relationship.
* He is trying to make the best decision but he deep inside wants to stay with me if possible.

So I'm thinking, if he wants to stay with me, why doesn't he just decide that and move on? Why can't we just love each other and work on strengthening our relationship? Because he feels that our fights ALWAYS end that way. Well duh! He says that until now we would just end the fight and move on but that this time we actually identified the problem and analyzed it. Seems like that would be a good thing.

We also identified that due to my early childhood I am terribly afraid of loss and being lonely, and due to his parents' death when he was 22 he is terribly afraid of dealing with loss and being lonely.

There is the TINIEST little glimmer of hope way far away, and that is that if he didn't think it was going to work out then he wouldn't still be here. But he is still here. It's really not helping any, but it's still a thought."

We aren't engaged yet but we have been talking about it for a while and looking at rings so it doesn't really make us much different from that at this point.

All I can do is ask that if any of you pray, please say a small sentence for me.
post #20 of 20
Wow. What you wrote shows extraordinary self-awareness on both your parts, and it seems to me you do have the tools to build something that will last.

Let me suggest something that worked well for me in the best relationship of my life...

My then-SO, Rush, was a very popular person, with many friends of both genders... and I had several close male friends. Rather than be forever watching each other, worrying, searching for clues that the nature of any of our friendships might be changing, Rush and I made one simple agreement:

We promised that if one of us ever began to feel we were no longer fully committed, the other would be the first to know about it -- before any action was taken.

We said it as a solemn and binding promise, and it freed us both from the petty little jealousies that create tension in a relationship. It wasn't that we never had questions for each other... I remember on a couple of occasions, one of us would say, "So you went to lunch with him/her again, hm?" And the other would smile and say, "First to know, sweetheart. First to know."

In the end, neither of us left for anyone else -- we just gradually realized that what we had was a terrific friendship (which we still have now, twenty years later), but not a basis for a marriage. But we had treated each other with honesty and respect from start to finish -- and that simple "advance notification" promise really helped us do that.

And y'know something? In almost five years together, we never once fought about money, either! I believe that may constitute a certified miracle!
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