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Ive had it with biological dad!

post #1 of 16
Thread Starter 
Well as many of you know i found my biological dad a few months/weeks ago..
well so far hes lied about things like having a job,taking drugs and blaitenly lieng about everything...

he made me wait for 3-4 days in a row saying hell ring me but never did...
then he hasnt rung since 6-6-08 i was told his mobile was broke and he didnt have a house phone... hes treated me like something that came out of misty's kitten bottom...

so i obviously decide that maybe im better off without him...
so i message the only person available too contact him (his sister)
so i said too her
look im really glad i found you, but i feel i may be better off without mike if hes obviously too busy too ring me hes too busy too show any interest...



well today i get a message from him....
saying what i said was wrong and just because he hasnt rung for a few days im throwing my toys out of the pram...
i could have contacted him via mobile.....
well hello am i just going out of my mind?
maybe you see it clearer explain?
post #2 of 16
You're not going out of your mind at all. How can he say that you could have contacted him via mobile if his was supposedly broken?
I think you should just ignore him if he's going to act all stupid like that. That's my opinion anyway.

And LOL at the Misty's kitten bottom part! No offence to you, just the whole 'kitten bum' thing made me laugh
post #3 of 16
Some people aren't meant to be parents. By choice or by ignorance.

My Dad was like that - my mother blamed it on the fact that his father was very standoffish. My parents divorced when I was 10. He always had time for his friends - would go out of his way to help them. They thought he was wonderful.
My husband's dad played golf everyday. Neither of his parents came to his games as a child. But my husband choose to be the opposite kind of dad. He's been a babseball coach and assisted with their other sports (he didn't feel he had enough knowledge to coach other sports).

As my mother always told us, "You're a good person. It's his loss."
post #4 of 16
I think it is time to leave the relationship up to him. Let him know that you are interested in getting to know him, but you need to take care of yourself. So if he is interested in getting to know you, he has the number. When he is serious about having a meaningful relationship with you, give you a call. Then make no other attempt to contact him. Keep in touch with your new aunt as a way to get to know the family.
post #5 of 16
Just because he is your biological father, doesn't mean he's "father material". Being able to fertilize an egg doesn't automatically mean he's capable of being a loving father.

You contacted him, there is nothing more you can do. You can't make him want to have a relationship with you. You did your best and you shouldn't feel badly that he has not lived up to your expectations.

You have a dad, the one who raised you. Call him up, invite him out to lunch, give him a big hug and a kiss and tell him "thank you!" and that you love him very much.
post #6 of 16
Thread Starter 
you guy are right your always here for me here is so good!
i have officially dropped the man hes not worth my time!
post #7 of 16
He is the reason why he wasnt your "dad" until now, why should he start after all these years especially when he doesnt know how!
post #8 of 16
Here's my perspective, as an adoptee who has searched for her birth parents as well.

Was he searching for you when you found him? It is my belief that the one searching has to recognize that the one being found may not have been prepared or had time to process the reunion if they were not actively searching themselves. Each of us deals with such a life changing event in our own way and processes it differently. Maybe he needs more time to wrap his brain around the fact that you've found him and what that means going forward.

What are YOUR expectations for a future relationship with him?

Here's my story. I searched for my birth mother. Here in GA, the state actually has a Reunion Registry, run by the Department of Natural Resources. For a fee, they will search for and contact the birth parent that you are looking for. For a smaller fee, you can receive what is called "non-id" which is non-identifying information about the circumstances of your birth - information that doesn't identify who your birth parents are by name or other identifying information, but gives you some background on the situation regarding them giving you up for adoption.

I received my non-id before I asked the state to seach for my birth mother. In my non-id, it stated that in order to deal with the pain of placing me for adoption, she did not wish to know my sex, and planned to pretend that I had died at birth. In the 60's, birth mothers were knocked out during delivery, so that they would not hear their baby's cries.

When I read that - I prepared myself that my "fantasy" of a joyful reunion was not likely to happen. It also stated that my birth father rejected her after she told him that she was pregnant. Back then, she didn't have to name him, so his name is not on any of my paperwork that the state has. She is the only one that knows his name.

The state did conduct a search, they contacted her brother's wife who was aware of my adoption and also knew that she likely would not want contact with me. I did prepare a letter and asked them to read it to her when they made direct contact with her. She did say that she did not want any contact with me, but did allow them to read my letter, which told her that I was adopted into a loving family, that I thanked her for making a selfless decision, and that the door was always open to her.

Consequently, since she said she didn't want contact with me, the state could NOT give me the information on my birth uncle and his family - who DID express a desire to know me.

Fast forward nine months (ironic, eh?), Memorial Day 2000. A private investigator contacted me, because friends in the adoption community made a plea to him to help me with my search outside of the State run confidential intermediary. He was NOT bound to keep any information private. He waived his $1000 fee and in 48 hours I had my birth mother's name, address and phone number, as well as that of my two 1/2 sisters and all my aunts and uncles.

Because it was not my intent to disrupt my birth mother's life when I searched for her or to upset her, I did not contact her or my sisters, but was able to determine which brother the state had contacted, and I've been in reunion with them for the past 8 years. I fly out to see them once a year and spend a week with them. I adore my cousins and their children.

I am very sad that my uncle has decided NOT to tell his sister that he is in reunion with me, and while on one level I can understand his decision, I have a hard time emotionally with it. (She lives in a different state). I also have not contacted my sisters, because I've been told that my birth mother believes that if her husband were to find out, he would leave her, and turn her daughters against her. Her fear is real, and I respect that. I just want her to know that I love her for giving me life, but I have no way to do so without him knowing about it (he apparently reads her mail and listens into her phone calls).

I also would like to just like one conversation to find out my birth father's name. I know that he was married at the time and his wife was also pregnant. He may not even be alive, as he was a leutenant (sp?) in the Air Force at the time, and very well could have been deployed to Vietnam. I would like the opportunity to know any siblings on his side.

Sorry for the long winded response, but I did want you to know that our reunions aren't always what we imagined when we are searching. Sometimes the search itself is so exciting that the end result can be a let down. If you can, try to give him some time to process this and let him reach out to you when he's ready. Try to have patience, I KNOW how hard it is!

(((Hugs)))
post #9 of 16
Oh my goodness! What a mess. Parents that haven't been there through everything don't understand the bond that most parent/child relationships have.

I hope you find peace some how through this situtation and appreciate those that love you unconditionally.
post #10 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalie_ca View Post
Just because he is your biological father, doesn't mean he's "father material". Being able to fertilize an egg doesn't automatically mean he's capable of being a loving father.

You contacted him, there is nothing more you can do. You can't make him want to have a relationship with you. You did your best and you shouldn't feel badly that he has not lived up to your expectations.

You have a dad, the one who raised you. Call him up, invite him out to lunch, give him a big hug and a kiss and tell him "thank you!" and that you love him very much.
Great post, Linda! I don't think it could have been said in any better way, so I'm not even going to try to add to it or repeat the message. I fully agree.
post #11 of 16
Thread Starter 
I was ready for the worst too happen im so mad at him beacuase of th situation i just want too scream!

he claimed not too know of me when i was born, yet he had the chance then.
he wasnt searching for me but the first few weeks he found me he actually really tried to get to know me!

this is th messaging thats gone on... hes making himself look innocnt knowing ill show my mum!

what do you think,
Ill highlight the lies for you and my view in same colour too the highlight

Last phone call from him was on the 6-6-08 (this was sent 27-6-08)yeah just a few days then eh?

Mike
June 27 at 12:28pm

its a shame you didnt pick up the phone to ask why i haven't called you..i was over the moon to find out about you,i thought you seemed like a nice decent person.it just shows how wronge you can be.we never even got the chance to meet which is a shame cos i could have made your life so much easier for you.i phoned you every single day and when i didnt phone for a few days you started throwin your toys out of your pram instead of callin me to find out what was up. well darlin you've obviously made up your mind.dont think for one second that i love you any less cos i dont.your still my daughter and nothing can change that.not even silly messages on the computer.i hope you find whatever it is that youre lookin for in life.if you ever need me chrissy just call me any time day or night.sorry that you gave up on us so easly.im forever thinkin of you,please take care of yourself darlin, all my love dad xxxxx



Me

June 27 at 3:58pm

i heard Teresa saying about you holding up the phone so i didnt like to bother her,thirdly i was told your mobile broke when you jumped into the pool so i couldnt call that phone or tx you on it,i wasnt told it was fixed until the other day,many times you said you'd call and i'd wait in but you never did,remember that day i was crying on the phone you said you'd call me later i went home early and waited and waited,but no call came through,why do you think i was crying on the phone that day?



Mike (not even hs own daghter he must really care)
Today at 11:01am

i dont know why you was cryin coz ya wouldn't tell me.but youve obviously made ya mind up about me.and if theres one thing you need to know about me its that i wont beg or plead with any one.what i wrote to you yesterday i was givin you the chance to just pick up the phone and we could have talked and sorted things out.you obviously dont want to do that so theres nothing more i can do.like i said ,that dont mean i love you any less.ive had to deal with some proppa heavy things in my life recently which i was goin to tell you about when the time was right.there was so much i was goin to tell you but i guess none of that matters now. but im not a horrible person and i really hope you do have a good life please take care.i love you chrissy,dadxxx
post #12 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by rabernet View Post
Here's my perspective, as an adoptee who has searched for her birth parents as well.

Was he searching for you when you found him? It is my belief that the one searching has to recognize that the one being found may not have been prepared or had time to process the reunion if they were not actively searching themselves. Each of us deals with such a life changing event in our own way and processes it differently. Maybe he needs more time to wrap his brain around the fact that you've found him and what that means going forward.

What are YOUR expectations for a future relationship with him?

Here's my story. I searched for my birth mother. Here in GA, the state actually has a Reunion Registry, run by the Department of Natural Resources. For a fee, they will search for and contact the birth parent that you are looking for. For a smaller fee, you can receive what is called "non-id" which is non-identifying information about the circumstances of your birth - information that doesn't identify who your birth parents are by name or other identifying information, but gives you some background on the situation regarding them giving you up for adoption.

I received my non-id before I asked the state to seach for my birth mother. In my non-id, it stated that in order to deal with the pain of placing me for adoption, she did not wish to know my sex, and planned to pretend that I had died at birth. In the 60's, birth mothers were knocked out during delivery, so that they would not hear their baby's cries.

When I read that - I prepared myself that my "fantasy" of a joyful reunion was not likely to happen. It also stated that my birth father rejected her after she told him that she was pregnant. Back then, she didn't have to name him, so his name is not on any of my paperwork that the state has. She is the only one that knows his name.

The state did conduct a search, they contacted her brother's wife who was aware of my adoption and also knew that she likely would not want contact with me. I did prepare a letter and asked them to read it to her when they made direct contact with her. She did say that she did not want any contact with me, but did allow them to read my letter, which told her that I was adopted into a loving family, that I thanked her for making a selfless decision, and that the door was always open to her.

Consequently, since she said she didn't want contact with me, the state could NOT give me the information on my birth uncle and his family - who DID express a desire to know me.

Fast forward nine months (ironic, eh?), Memorial Day 2000. A private investigator contacted me, because friends in the adoption community made a plea to him to help me with my search outside of the State run confidential intermediary. He was NOT bound to keep any information private. He waived his $1000 fee and in 48 hours I had my birth mother's name, address and phone number, as well as that of my two 1/2 sisters and all my aunts and uncles.

Because it was not my intent to disrupt my birth mother's life when I searched for her or to upset her, I did not contact her or my sisters, but was able to determine which brother the state had contacted, and I've been in reunion with them for the past 8 years. I fly out to see them once a year and spend a week with them. I adore my cousins and their children.

I am very sad that my uncle has decided NOT to tell his sister that he is in reunion with me, and while on one level I can understand his decision, I have a hard time emotionally with it. (She lives in a different state). I also have not contacted my sisters, because I've been told that my birth mother believes that if her husband were to find out, he would leave her, and turn her daughters against her. Her fear is real, and I respect that. I just want her to know that I love her for giving me life, but I have no way to do so without him knowing about it (he apparently reads her mail and listens into her phone calls).

I also would like to just like one conversation to find out my birth father's name. I know that he was married at the time and his wife was also pregnant. He may not even be alive, as he was a leutenant (sp?) in the Air Force at the time, and very well could have been deployed to Vietnam. I would like the opportunity to know any siblings on his side.

Sorry for the long winded response, but I did want you to know that our reunions aren't always what we imagined when we are searching. Sometimes the search itself is so exciting that the end result can be a let down. If you can, try to give him some time to process this and let him reach out to you when he's ready. Try to have patience, I KNOW how hard it is!

(((Hugs)))

What an extraordinary story. I just have to say how very much I admire the grace and restraint you've shown in conducting yourself through it all. If your birth mother knew you, she would be so proud.
post #13 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by CarolPetunia View Post
What an extraordinary story. I just have to say how very much I admire the grace and restraint you've shown in conducting yourself through it all. If your birth mother knew you, she would be so proud.
Thank you so much - that means a lot!

While there are times that this process can be very painful emotionally, I know that deep down her rejection isn't of ME, but of a time in her life that I represent, that she'd rather just put behind her. I don't know her, nor have I walked in her shoes to be able to judge her for her choice.
post #14 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by pixietina View Post
I was ready for the worst too happen im so mad at him beacuase of th situation i just want too scream!

he claimed not too know of me when i was born, yet he had the chance then.
he wasnt searching for me but the first few weeks he found me he actually really tried to get to know me!

this is th messaging thats gone on... hes making himself look innocnt knowing ill show my mum!

what do you think,
Ill highlight the lies for you and my view in same colour too the highlight

Last phone call from him was on the 6-6-08 (this was sent 27-6-08)yeah just a few days then eh?

Mike
June 27 at 12:28pm

its a shame you didnt pick up the phone to ask why i haven't called you..i was over the moon to find out about you,i thought you seemed like a nice decent person.it just shows how wronge you can be.we never even got the chance to meet which is a shame cos i could have made your life so much easier for you.i phoned you every single day and when i didnt phone for a few days you started throwin your toys out of your pram instead of callin me to find out what was up. well darlin you've obviously made up your mind.dont think for one second that i love you any less cos i dont.your still my daughter and nothing can change that.not even silly messages on the computer.i hope you find whatever it is that youre lookin for in life.if you ever need me chrissy just call me any time day or night.sorry that you gave up on us so easly.im forever thinkin of you,please take care of yourself darlin, all my love dad xxxxx



Me

June 27 at 3:58pm

i heard Teresa saying about you holding up the phone so i didnt like to bother her,thirdly i was told your mobile broke when you jumped into the pool so i couldnt call that phone or tx you on it,i wasnt told it was fixed until the other day,many times you said you'd call and i'd wait in but you never did,remember that day i was crying on the phone you said you'd call me later i went home early and waited and waited,but no call came through,why do you think i was crying on the phone that day?



Mike (not even hs own daghter he must really care)
Today at 11:01am

i dont know why you was cryin coz ya wouldn't tell me.but youve obviously made ya mind up about me.and if theres one thing you need to know about me its that i wont beg or plead with any one.what i wrote to you yesterday i was givin you the chance to just pick up the phone and we could have talked and sorted things out.you obviously dont want to do that so theres nothing more i can do.like i said ,that dont mean i love you any less.ive had to deal with some proppa heavy things in my life recently which i was goin to tell you about when the time was right.there was so much i was goin to tell you but i guess none of that matters now. but im not a horrible person and i really hope you do have a good life please take care.i love you chrissy,dadxxx
My opinion, for what it's worth is that his first message reads to me that he is experiencing a full range of emotions. He clearly says that he loves you, that he was excited that you found him, and that he was looking forward to getting to know you and be a part of his life. But then he heard something from his sister, and it hurt and confused him, because he was not aware that this was how you were feeling. I do think his one comment that he must be wrong about you was coming from hurt feelings. Remember that men and women don't express themselves the same. And also that tone cannot always be interpreted the way it was intended by typed words.

It sounds like he was concerned in his second message why you were crying, and even asked you why you were crying, but you didn't tell him, and you really can't expect someone just getting to know you, to be able to infer why you were crying.

Give yourself a few days to get over YOUR hurt feelings, and give him a call and talk - without accusations, maybe even concede that you may have mis-interpreted the situation - because you may have.

I think that you two will be just fine, you're still learning the dance of getting to know each other and each of your quirks. Bonds aren't always made instantly, even if we think that they should. Be kind and gentle with each other, and to yourselves! Spoil yourself with a nice hot bubble bath when you're feeling stressed, curl up with a good book, go to a movie, or out with friends, and talk to him when you're in a calm frame of mind.

My thoughts will be with you and your dad!
post #15 of 16
Honey, I agree. Take a few days for you both to calm down a little, then give him a call. Yes, his messages sound angry and defensive but men are like that sometimes. The message you gave your aunt may have made him feel defensive. I know you were just saying what you were feeling, but you have to remember you JUST found him and he isn't going to step into the loving daddy role overnight. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you or care about how you feel. He's probably just trying to sort out his own feelings right now, just like you are. Give it time. Don't dismiss your birth father that quickly.

.
post #16 of 16
Some very wise words:

Any sexually mature male can be a father, but it takes a special man to be a Dad.
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