Thank you all so very much, needless to say, this has been a very difficult day.
I didn't sleep.... I am used to him waking me up every night when he gets a chance... my mind was playing with me that this was just a dream...and if I fell asleep, it was not a dream... make sense?
One thing I didn not mention....I have little kids, one 11 one 9 who were here at the time ...unfortunately, they heard my screams for Buddy to not die..then witnessed my attempts at reviving him...and my then my melt down on the kitchen floor holding, rocking and kissing my Wubby (one of his many nicknames) after I knew he was gone. YIKES!
But, I must say all of my kids have really helped me today... they helped me gather items to send with him, helped me bury him, and one of my older daughters took the two little ones to buy items to place on his grave site.
I selected a very special place...very close to a waterfall I built last year...we made a very nice place for him to rest.... but I still wish with all my heart, I will wake the hell up, and he will be there on my chest pulling at my blanket trying to wake me up.
But I know when I get up, his grave site (more of a shrine really) will still be there just as we built it... sadly.
About Buddy, here is a copy of an email I just sent to my sister and a very good friend who are "crazy cat" people like me, like us..
"Buddy, Wubby, Weeb, numerous names of affection, his favorite.. "Sexy Kitty"
was in my eyes, and believe this to be true, a very special little soul...and indeed he did have a purpose on this earth.... I am still sorting it all out, but I cannot tell you how this cat has touched my life.
Strange (Tom) you would mention feral kitties that live very hard lives.... Buddy, and his siblings were captured at about six weeks of age from a neighbors boat...the neighbor knew I loved cats, actually I fed all the feral cats in the neighbor hood... so he brought them to me in a box (four of them) I actually remember the day he was born, as his mother gave birth in my neighbors flower bed... she moved them the next day. It was either bring them to me, or he was taking them to the pound, which would mean they would be euthanized nearly immediately, due to the laws at the time (we have gotten that changed since then)
They were wild little babies as you can imagine...they were taught to fear people since the mother was also feral. Two of the more tame ones were given a home the next day...The two that were left were Lumpy and Buddy.... Lumpy not really adobtable since he had a HUGE hernia on his belly (surgery fixed that later)...but he tamed the fastest... within a week, he was so lovable it was awesome. Wubby on the other hand, was just wild wild wild.... I could not pick him up out of the crate without a glove or wrapping a baby blanket around him first, he just did not want to be tamed. The day came about three weeks after I had him, that I just kind of gave up.... I had held him and talked to him for countless hours wrapped in a baby blanket, holding him, talking to him, petting and kissing his head...trying to tame him... he just did not seem to want us humans.
Picture of him wrapped in a blanket was inserted here
I opened the door to the crate, sitting by me desk knowing he wouold get out and that he would just be one of those scared little cats that we would only see as a black streak as he dashed to get away from us...
About one hour after he left the crate...I got a shock.... this tiny little black fur ball had tried to jump in my lap...his nails were firmly dug into my thigh..just hanging there, he was looking up at me wide eyed for help. You can imagine my surprise, just two hours earlier he hissed at me when I tried to reach in his crate.
I put him in my lap...and he just flopped around, purring, loving the attention... I could not believe it. But that is the way he has been every single day since, but just with me for most of these years. It was just last year that he started trusting some of the kids...but still, he never crawled up in anyone elses lap but mine, and he did it on a daily basis...and of course, he would wake me up at night when he found the chance to sneak past the other cats to come sleep with me.
He was so scared of everyone else, every noise, until he had visual confirmation that he was safe with me.... I wish everyone else in his life could have really known him the way I did... I miss him, and will miss him for my life time.
Today has been a very difficult day of course... I could not sleep...I think that happened about 6 AM... then the task of burrying him was heartbreaking. But my kids really helped me today, they have been so kind and supportive...I am grateful.
I wrapped him in a blanket last night after he died and when I could let go of him for a second....then held him till I felt him going cold...I just did not want to admit he was gone....I still don't, but I know this is not a dream...and when I go out to his grave in the morning....everything will be in place...as we created it today.
I have lost many pets over the years...but none have torn my heart out like this one.. I know I will sort it out, I will eventually stop crying....and smile instead when I think of him, or visit his grave... "
Thank you again everyone for listening, and for you kind words... I love this place already...and when I can, when I am ready, I will be here often, and share more of Buddy, and my other little furrykids...