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Could I feel any more low....?

post #1 of 19
Thread Starter 
I just happened to glance up at our other computer while my BF was using it and he was reading a message from his brother who is living in Japan btw. Well he found out that we are still going to continue to live with each other and his brother said :censor::censor::censor:? why would you stay with her you could and should do so much better. I don't get it? I have never treated anyone in his family with disrespect and have been nothing but the best GF I could be. My family told me that I need to make things work between us and that they want to see him someday become part of it. His family has done nothing but try and convince him to leave me and move back home to California. I just don't understand.
post #2 of 19
i am sorry, It can be really rough, when the family of your SO seems to dislike you. I have been dealing with much the same thing for almost 10 years now.

Heck her one aunt on her death bed, the wife asked her if there was anything she could do. The aunt said yea, dump me.

I at least under why they dislike me.

have you talked about it with you SO or his family?
post #3 of 19
Thread Starter 
Not really I talk to my SO about it but his family acts like they love me when they see me then they talk about me when they call him or by e-mail. Hell his brother said I looked like a trailer trash h* when he first met me. I think it may have something to do with my not so squeaky clean past. But none the less I'm not that person anymore and they had no issues with me prior to knowing these things.
post #4 of 19
could be they also just want him back in California?
post #5 of 19
As long as your SO doesn't act on his family's "advice" then I would simply ignore them. I know it's easier said than done - I've been there before too. But he obviously loves you and from what you say, he's going to stay with you regardless of their feelings. That's got to stand for something, hasn't it? You don't have to like them and they don't have to like you - but the one person that really matters is the man who's sticking with you through thick and thin. I would be proud to have a man who'll ignore his family like that to be with you. It really sucks that they treat you like this though, so perhaps you could have a talk with him about it - he should at least say something to his family and tell them not to be so disrespectful of the relationship that you two have. Not only is it hurtful to you, but it's damaging for him too - and who knows what kind of stress that kind of pressure could put on the relationship later on... it's really time to nip it now. The sooner it stops, the better. Failing that hun, you can always ex-communicate them

for you
post #6 of 19
My birth family is like his and it's awful. It didn't matter who I dated (or married) most of my family had only negative things to say. Take heart; it sounds like he doesn't listen to them, anyway. YOU are the one who should be wondering what kind of family you may end up being a part of...
post #7 of 19
I understand how that feels. I have been there. It came to a point when my MIL told my hubby to divorce me and to choose her.

He chose me and we haven't seen her since. That was 7 years ago. My MIL has borderline personality disorder.

If he chooses you, that is the most important thing. It doesn't matter what they think of you, just what he thinks of you - he loves you and that is all you need.
post #8 of 19
Thread Starter 
He did write back to his brother and told him about the situation. And how yes it is true we had been arguing a lot lately but we both were under a lot of stress and were taking it out on each other. Which wasn't the most healthy way to deal with things. He in a very round about way told his brother that he wants to make things work and that once he makes a decision he wants to see it through not go running back home to mommy and daddy when things get hard.
post #9 of 19
When my father announced to his parents that he was asking my mother to marry him, they told him to dump her. They offered to pay for college if he did not marry "the Sicilian". That was 55 years ago. When my maternal grandmother died, my paternal grandmother pulled my mother aside and told her that she is the daughter of grandma's heart and to never feel alone.

So it can work out. Just give his family time.
post #10 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweets View Post
So it can work out. Just give his family time.
I agree. My moms husband is a different race, and her parents when they first saw him, turned around and drove home for 8 hours rather than meet him and talk to him. Now it has been like 7 years since they got married, and everyone accepts him (or tries to anyway) and he is always at the family functions.
post #11 of 19
I wish I knew what to say, but I'm in the reverse situation (my family doesn't like my SO very much). I do agree with what everyone else has said about giving it time. I'll send lots of for you and your guy that things will continue to get better.

And as someone with a past myself (I've been clean and sober 4 years), I can tell you that as long as you love and accept yourself, others will eventually come around and do the same.
post #12 of 19
As long as your boyfriend is sticking up for you and wants to continue a relationship with you, thats all that matters. Don't let them bother you. It'd probably be best if your boyfriend confronted these people that are making these nasty comments about you. He could say something along the lines of he loves you and those comments hurt him just as much as they hurt you. Maybe then they'd back off a bit.
post #13 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kiwideus View Post
I understand how that feels. I have been there. It came to a point when my MIL told my hubby to divorce me and to choose her.
He chose me and we haven't seen her since. That was 7 years ago. My MIL has borderline personality disorder.
If he chooses you, that is the most important thing. It doesn't matter what they think of you, just what he thinks of you - he loves you and that is all you need.
Jeez, I would SAY so!!
post #14 of 19
I can honestly say i've been there (please refer to the "i have the MIL from hell" thread in the private lounge) I do have to say though that for me at least, things have improved a little bit with time and patience.

Try not to let what his brother says get you down. Your relationship is between you and your SO, not his brother- you SO needs to tell his brother that those comments will not be tolerated, if he wants to talk to him and be polite about you that is one thing, but to talk in a negative way about you won't be accepted. (something to that affect). Stand your ground, be polite, but do not let those people walk all over you hon
post #15 of 19
Thread Starter 
Thanks everyone. I know I shouldn't let it get to me. I just have a problem with people being unkind to someone who hasn't done anything.
post #16 of 19
Honey, if they don't like you, that's their loss (and bad taste). I remember your past posts and if I can remember right, they've never really taken the time to get to know you. You are the main reason your BF won't move back to Cali and they resent you for that. They would probably resent ANYTHING that would keep him from moving back...ie job, social life, etc. It sounds like they just want to keep him under their thumb which is not healthy.

Every couple goes through rough times where it seems like they fight constantly and have to spend extra time working on their relationship. It says a lot about your BF and how he feels about you to go against what his family wants and not run home when the going gets tough. Hopefully, after they realize that you are both mature enough to know what it takes for a loving relationship, they will accept you. Until then, just ignore them.

And, just remember, EVERYONE has a past. Just, some are more interesting than others!
post #17 of 19
Oh no! You must feel so confused and sad right now! I'm sorry!

Maybe have a real heart to heart talk with your BF and ask him why his brother would say something like that. Maybe your BF has said a few things that aren't exactly true when he was upset, or something? You never know?
post #18 of 19
I'm glad that your bf has written back to his brother and told him how he feels about the situation. The treatment you've been getting from his family isn't fair, that goes without saying, but as has been said before there are two people in the relationship - and they are the ones that matter. The phrase "two's company, three's a crowd" didn't appear out of thin air! Any third party dabbling in your relationship and effectively poisoning it from the outset is steering the applecart onto a rough road - sometimes that rough road will lead to a nasty crash or an emotional tree-wrapping. But because your bf is prepared to let his family know that this behaviour is not acceptable, then between you, you can keep it going in the right direction. Your relationship applecart has to be an armour plated tank to get through the bombs families will try and drop on you, and I think you're both doing really well to face it. So if you keep it up, you can do anything!

for you!
post #19 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by StarryEyedTiGeR View Post
I can honestly say i've been there (please refer to the "i have the MIL from hell" thread in the private lounge)
Oh how I wish I could read that thread

Anyway, I think its horrible your BFs family doesn't want to accept the person he's chosen to be with. It's not like you are some person that's getting caught up in bad activities and whatnot and/or manipulating him!!! I'm glad that he emailed his brother back and explained his feelings on the situation.
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