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Ok, I need some opinions here...

post #1 of 15
Thread Starter 
Well, my son's 6 months old, and his biological father has only seen him twice, doesn't call to see how he's doing, and didn't even send him a x-mass gift. He told me before Angelus was born that he was going to go to court for full custody. Now, not to be mean, but this guy is completely irrisponsible and unable to care for a child of any age. When the baby was only a few months old, he shoved an aggressive Jack russell terrier in his face because he wanted the dog to give the baby a kiss. Not to mention that he has a very bad temper and is violent.
Just the other day, he told me that he was thinking about signing away his parental rights. I think its a great idea because I'm worried for the well-being of Angelus, but I don't want him to grow up not knowing his father as well. My fiancé has been with me since I was 5 months pregnant and absolutely LOVES Angelus. He wan't to adopt the baby if he can.
I know that the only reason this guy is thinking about signing away his parental rights is because he doesn't want to have to pay child support. I feel that he should be responsible for what he did and have to pay, instead of just forgetting about it and acting like it never happened, but I would like my fiancé to adopt him because so far he's the closest thing to a father this child has ever had, and probably will ever have.
Now, I'm not going to let him sign away his parental rights until I'm married so that Jason can adopt him if I'm going to let him do it at all. I just want everyone's opinions on what I should do. I want the child to know his father, but I also don't want to put him in any risk.
post #2 of 15
Maybe you could let the baby just know Jason as his dad, and then when Angelus is older, tell him That's a hard situation - kinda like adoption- to tell, or not to tell....I'm so happy that Angelus had a good man to be his daddy But after the dog incident, sounds like "bio-father" is better left as family memory - Lord knows what could happen down the line!!! He might try for visitation, just to yank your chain
post #3 of 15
First of all, no one can adopt your son so long as he has a legal father in the picture.

You said your ex is irresponsible, aggressive and has anger management problems. Why on earth would you want him to be part of your son's life?

If he pays child support he is entitled to visitation with his son... and probably joint custody which is usually 50/50. Do you really want your child to be with him 1/2 of the week because you feel he should have to pay you child support?!

Do your son a favour! Let your ex sign away all of his parental rights and get him out of your child's life. He has a man in his life that is acting as a father to him and has taken on the responsibility of supporting that child. Not many men would do that before the baby is even born!

There may come a time when your son wants to get to know his biological father, if that is the case, then let them connect up again at some future point in the future when your son is old enough to make his own decisions.

In the meantime, DO NOT dis your ex to your son. Don't talk down about him to your son. Just be casual and honest about things and tell him that his biological father does love him, but he was not in a place in his life that he could be a responsible dad.
post #4 of 15
I adopted my Dh's son from his first marriage. Dh's ex was rarely around, but when she was her behavior alarmed us. We hemmed and hawed for years about whether pursuing adoption and termination of his ex's parental rights was the right thing to do. But ultimately, we realized that our son deserved a safe and stable environment at all times, and he would never have that with his biological mom. It was also very scary for me to realize that if something had happened to my Dh before the adoption, I would've had ZERO rights to the child I'd been raising from toddlerhood. Granted, we tried for 5+ years to give the ex opportunities to get her act together, but she was never present often enough for him to even recognize her most of the time when she did show up, so it wasn't like there was a strong maternal-child bond that was broken or anything.

Something to keep in mind: State law varies, but I know in my state it is very unlikely that the court would allow your son's father to sign away his rights unless you had a husband waiting to adopt him. I believe the rationale is that the child deserves support (financial at least) from two parents, whether those parents want to provide it or not. Also, there may be a requirement for how long you'd need to be married before the court would approve your husband adopting your son. (In my state, you have to married for one year.)

Good luck with your decision-making.

ETA: My son knows that he didn't "come out of my tummy", and that he was born when Dad was married to his "first mom". We just explained to him that she wasn't able to be a Mommy to him, so I got the privilege of helping Dad take care of him. That has sufficed so far, but the teen years are rapidly approaching...

Also, I just noticed you are in Canada, so I have no idea if what I wrote above about the adoption process would apply to you or not. But it's definitely something to research before you start making plans!
post #5 of 15
Thread Starter 
I definatly won't let my ex sign away anything until I know for sure that my man can adopt him. What I'm worried about is that is something happens to me, then my ex will get custody of him and I just can't let that happen. I'm going to court in a few months, and my lawyer wants me to sue for full custody, which she is pretty sure that I can get. He said that he was going to tell the court that he wanted me to have full custody as well, but he might always change his mind.
I hope to talk to my lawyer soon about my man adopting Angelus once his father signs away his rights. I know that they usually won't let anyone else adopt unless you're married, and we're planning on getting married at the end of this year, so nothings going to happen for at least another year or so.
I just can't understand how someone doesn't even want anything to do with their own child. He could care less about him, as long as he's having fun getting drunk and doing drugs thats all he cares about. I sure picked a winner didn't I??
post #6 of 15
I am not trying to be a devil's advocate, but coming from the viewpoint of a future Social Worker who has studied the legalities of "Fatherhood" and "Child Support" more than I'd ever need to know thanks to a certain professor, you need to think about this VERY thoroughly!

There have been many cases where the biological father is out of the picture for whatever reason and new boyfriend dates mom while pregnant and even goes to the delivery room with mom. The doctors ask the infamous question "Are you the father?" and the new boyfriend doesn't know what he's signing and just does. However, what he just did was legally say he's the biological father. That relinquishes all rights to the ACTUAL biological father and makes the new boyfriend responsible. New boyfriend and mom break up. New boyfriend now has to pay child support even though the kid isn't biologically his. DNA tests etc can't help his case for signing on that dotted line. It is impossible to get out of....literally! Would you want that? I know the situation isn't the same, but that is what you'd be doing with terminating one's parental rights and giving it to another.

I'm not telling you what to do, but Termination of Parental Rights can't be undone! All I'm saying is to PLEASE think things through before making any rash decisions.
post #7 of 15
Oh and the "making him pay child support" thing is really naive. You can't make anyone pay. There is virtually no enforcement and they don't hunt down dead beat dads due to the amount of resources and if by chance the dead beat dad gets caught for a minor traffic violation and gets thrown in jail for not paying, there are no $0 child support orders and it accumulates while they are in jail (which is considered voluntary unemployment while in prison) meaning he'll owe even more and have an even harder time finding a job to pay it.

Again, I'm not telling what to do...I'm just letting you know the reality of it all, given the circumstances and how this guy sounds...
post #8 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by gothicangel69 View Post
I definatly won't let my ex sign away anything until I know for sure that my man can adopt him. What I'm worried about is that is something happens to me, then my ex will get custody of him and I just can't let that happen. I'm going to court in a few months, and my lawyer wants me to sue for full custody, which she is pretty sure that I can get. He said that he was going to tell the court that he wanted me to have full custody as well, but he might always change his mind.
I hope to talk to my lawyer soon about my man adopting Angelus once his father signs away his rights. I know that they usually won't let anyone else adopt unless you're married, and we're planning on getting married at the end of this year, so nothings going to happen for at least another year or so.
I just can't understand how someone doesn't even want anything to do with their own child. He could care less about him, as long as he's having fun getting drunk and doing drugs thats all he cares about. I sure picked a winner didn't I??
Your son is very young, and a lot could change by the time you are married and in a position to pursue adoption. A lot depends on how involved his father chooses to be during the future months and years. We held out hope for a long time that my Dh's ex would clean up and step up to be a decent mother, but that didn't happen in our case. I know how stressful it is when the future is so uncertain, so I definitely feel for you. I wish you luck in your court hearing, and also for a positive outcome for your son, whether that be through adoption or through his biological father becoming a positive influence in his life.

Regarding sofiecusion's post, it is important for you and your future husband to consider all the implications of an adoption. While nobody anticipates a divorce when they get married, it does happen to many couples, and if your husband does adopt your son, you and he would have equal rights and responsibilities under the law. That means your husband could fight you for custody, and sue you for child support if he did win custody in the event of a divorce. If you retained custody, he would be obligated to pay child support. I'm not saying that you should plan your divorce as you plan your marriage, but it's important for all parties involved to understand the possible implications of something like this. Again, good luck as you move forward!
post #9 of 15
Thread Starter 
I do wish that my ex would clean up his act, and I even told him that the other day, but he said he wanted nothing to do with the child. I would rather him have his biological father as a father figure, but I'm not sure if that's possible. Once we get married, we're planning on waiting at least a year or so before thinking about persuing adoption. My son's biological father said that he wanted my fiance to adopt the child last night because he wants the child to have a father and he said that he will never be one. I told him to wait for a while and see how things turn out.
The way I see it is that if my fiance has been the only father figure in my sons life for a few years, than if something should happen to the marriage, than I feel that he should have part custody. It wouldn't be fair to just cut my fiance out of his life, especially if he has never really even seen his biological father.
Only time will tell I guess.
post #10 of 15
Hi. When my mom got pregnant my dad left her because he didn't want anymore children. (He had a son from a previous marriage). They weren't married so it was a clean cut. I have never met my father. Never seen a picture of him or anything. My mom got married when I was 7 and my stepdad adopted me. I don't regret never knowing my dad because he didn't care about me at all. We had to take him to court for child support and after that we went to disney world with the money from him. I understand that you want him to pay child support because he needs to take some sort of responsibilty but if your fiancee wants to adopt him and raise him as his own well I think that is beautiful. One year I got my stepdad (which I call Dad) a birthday card that said, "Anyone can be a father but it takes someone special to be a dad." I hope this helps.
post #11 of 15
My biological father was in and out of my life, but he cared more for partying and women than in raising me and being a "father figure." I hated him for a long time, but I've outgrown that and have accepted that's the way he is/was. He did clean up his act some and get back with my mom, but I don't really think of him as "dad." I call him by his first name, and we aren't close. Oh, and he never sent child support, despite being taken to court several times.

My point is that having a biological parent is not as important as having stability and a feeling of being wanted. I don't know about the legalities, but if this guy wants out of his child's life, I would say goodbye and good riddance.

However, I would keep pictures, momentos, whatever you have from the biological father and store it away for when your son is ready to know about it. What details tell him about his father probably would depend on his age and level of maturity to handle it. I wouldn't dis the father as a no good bum, but you could say some version of the truth that doesn't go into too many details.

Knowing who your biological parent is important from a medical standpoint, and also just because it's a good thing to know, but having someone who is a good, loving parent is more important.
post #12 of 15
Keep a picture and a last known address of his birth father in his room along with anything else he gives him, (or in a keep sake box) maybe if he signs away his rights you could convince him to write a letter to your child explaining why he gave up his rights, that way when he is older and inquisitive you can show him, so he can understand.
post #13 of 15
First of all you need a lawyer to answer what you can/can't do. Some states have a mandatory law where the father has to pay CS even if the parents agree he doesn't. Legally, the child's father should be paying some kind of support until he sign's the parental rights away or your fiance' adopts him legally.

The father also has the right for visitation - unless he's been proven a danger to the child (which is court issued).

I agree that you should wait till you are married for your fiance' to adopt. And then get the bio father to relinguish the rights. But talk this all over with a good lawyer.
post #14 of 15
Sometimes difficult people should be set free. I can't tell you the number of times I've tried to do the right thing by my former family only to have it shoved up my @$$ for me. I know you want him to learn about repercussions, but some people will never learn. I suggest you let him sign away before he changes his mind. Angelus will have a father in your new husband. I had a good father in my step-father and that was a great thing.

X
post #15 of 15
My daughter is 23, has NEVER met her father, but knows everything about him that I know (gave information through the years at age appropriate levels.)

When her biological grandmother died, she was 16 and I gave her the option of meeting her "father." She opted NOT to. She told me she has no reason to ever meet him - he was just a sperm donor, in her eyes.

She has a reasonably good life with lots of people that love her, and she's told me herself that she doesn't need a man like he is in her life, biological donor or not.

So you need to do what is best FOR YOU, and in taking care of YOUR needs first you can then give your son the very best care. If having someone that is a negative, abusive influence on his life is a good thing, then allow them to have a relationship.

If not, just be honest with your son as he grows up and allow him the choice of pursuing a relationship with his father when he is READY to.

Just an opinion from a single mom that's been there and done that, with a positive outcome.

By the way - it was MY choice, but I never accepted a red cent in child support from her father.
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