first post -- i lost my beautiful girl and I feel guilty

I really don't have the guts to look too far at this point. I hurt too much. Also, I don't feel good talking about something like this to a faceless voice.

I did use the chat room linked from one of darlili's links above, and I am grateful for that. THe people there said my cat had a good long life, that I did my best, that she was going downhill, increasing in pain, you never know what horrors I avoided for both of us by choosing this timing, and that I'm not evil.

And there were three other people there who lost 20-year-olds too.

I'm glad you found something to ease your pain a little.

Thanks for everything, Katie.

Morning~ Im so sorry! This can be a tough time! You had her for so long, and you truely did your best. At some point though you need to help yourself. You were trying to do that then. You weren't being mean or spiteful, so dont feel bad about the decision you made. Most people would have made it alot sooner instead of taking on such a load. You were a wonderful Meowmy! She knew you loved her, and she knows right now that you did everything you could do for her, without killing yourself at the same time! There is only so much you can do, everyone needs to think of themselves at some point!
She lived 18 wonderful years with you, and I bet she is looking down on you right now, worried. :rainbowheart:

I was thinking, if you do talk to your own physician about what you're going through, I'd mention the cat. It really seems to me that more healthcare professionals understand that pets are viewed as family members and, in any event, the feelings of grief, hopelessness and, depression, no matter what the immediate cause, can, and need to, be treated.

I do hope your personal doctor is such a person, and that you find someone near you who can help you regain your own health and strength. It's totally understandable how you're feeling, and I hope you can find some resources to help you during this time.

Morning,

First, I am very sorry for your loss.

I understand it is very hard to loose a member of our family and a friend, I've been through it, believe me. It is normal, when loosing someone important, to feel guilt about it. Especially if you felt that this person (in this case you beloved cat) was dependant of you. It's one of the four states one will go through before acceptance of the loss, everyone goes through guilt. However, if you feel that you are not progressing and that you are sticking to the guilty phase, it means that you need help, honey. Even though people here on TCS are great and very supportive, nothing compares to what a specialized psychologist or a close friend listening to you. I know when we are depressed and our self-estime is low, we are not incline to make the effort of trying to help ourselves (we often think we deserve it). But you have to do it for you:

You are a wonderful person that sacrificed a lot (more than everyone I know) to make your cat feel better. I think if your cat could talk right now, she would tell you how grateful she is and she would have probably told you to let go before. There is now way she could blame you for letting her go after so long. She loved you and wanted you to be happy. What she would want now, if she could see you, is for you to seek for help.

Please, keep me posted on how everything is doing, here or by PM. I will come here several times a day until I am certain that you are feeling a little better and that you are no more ashamed of yourself. Also, if you tell me more specificaly where in Canada you are living (only if you want to), I can help you seek for help too.

Marilou :rainbowheart:

Thanks for your suggestions. I can see in principle they could work. I just don't think I could cope with the legwork to try to make them work for me. It would destroy me. I am no good with people, especially when I am feeling wrecked as I am now.

Mawilouwl, yes, it's hard to lose. This is not just losing, though. I had to put my previous cat to sleep. I did not feel guilty. As far as psychologists, in my experience they are useless. I am not a typical person and they ram their textbook interpretations on me. They do not seem to be skilled in really listening.

My father died when he was very old, and my brother died when quite young. I know the difference in how those feel. This one is more like my brother; it seems so wrong.

darlili -- I will not talk to my doctor. He is a bloody insensitive jerk. I live in a small town and family doctors are hard to come by, so until I move back to civilization, I have no choice of doctors anyway.

Originally Posted by Morning

Thanks for your suggestions. I can see in principle they could work. I just don't think I could cope with the legwork to try to make them work for me. It would destroy me. I am no good with people, especially when I am feeling wrecked as I am now.

Mawilouwl, yes, it's hard to lose. This is not just losing, though. I had to put my previous cat to sleep. I did not feel guilty. As far as psychologists, in my experience they are useless. I am not a typical person and they ram their textbook interpretations on me. They do not seem to be skilled in really listening.

My father died when he was very old, and my brother died when quite young. I know the difference in how those feel. This one is more like my brother; it seems so wrong.

darlili -- I will not talk to my doctor. He is a bloody insensitive jerk. I live in a small town and family doctors are hard to come by, so until I move back to civilization, I have no choice of doctors anyway.

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Morning,

I feel helpless not to be able to give you a hand. I don't get along much with people and had bad experiences with psychologists, so I think I understand a tiny little bit of what you might feel (but then again, it might just be in my head). I wish that you will find your own way to get through this tough situation and my thoughts are with you.

I got tiny bits of being heard in the chat room, and that was helpful. I also empathized with others whose situations were of course not identical. It seemed to purge enough emotion for the day that I could close it, say "enough" and get somewhat absorbed in getting some work done.

I've looked around and I haven't found a definitive grieving resource. My family yields no clues, as grieving has been done little, secretly, or people have admitted they don't know how do. I feel a need to connect with others when things are very important. Yes, there is my fundamental direct experience and peeling away the layers that might be in there, but I do feel a need to be heard by another at times.

Morning,

Just coming on your thread to let you know I am thinking of you and praying that you feel better -- at least a little-- everyday.

Katie

Originally Posted by Morning

I got tiny bits of being heard in the chat room, and that was helpful. I also empathized with others whose situations were of course not identical. It seemed to purge enough emotion for the day that I could close it, say "enough" and get somewhat absorbed in getting some work done.

I've looked around and I haven't found a definitive grieving resource. My family yields no clues, as grieving has been done little, secretly, or people have admitted they don't know how do. I feel a need to connect with others when things are very important. Yes, there is my fundamental direct experience and peeling away the layers that might be in there, but I do feel a need to be heard by another at times.

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Thanks for keeping us posted. I hope you find someone to hear you around you. I'm glad though that the chat room seems to be helpful.
Just wanted to say that I keep thinking about you and what you are going through.

The chat room was good once, but I can't rely on it.

It hurts so much to know I did a bad thing, was selfish, impatient, was not a good friend. I feel quite despairing.

I don't feel you did a bad thing... you showed her true love to end her suffering. I, too, lost a beloved little girl to kidney failure. She was almost 20 when she started failing fast. We could not afford the treatment and when we took her in, the vet told us that it was too late. I didn't even know that she was soo sick. The vet knew by the smell when he came in the room. Letting her go was my final gift to her, she is now free of pain and suffering.

Let tell you something about my Kiki.. (hence my screen name)

About 26 years ago, my hubby and I lived in these apartments. the neighbor downstairs had a female cat who would roam. She would be gone for weeks at a time. Once she came home with 2 kittens following. Mom cat dropped them off and promptly disappeared. They were cute wild little things. The little boy kitty got hit by a car shortly thereafter. Kiki, the kitten that remained, was such a wild thing. With patience and love, I won her over. First she would sniff my fingers and then I was able to get a couple of strokes in. Soon after, you never would have known she was ever wild. I tamed her, but my hubby stole her heart. She loved him. She loved me too, but not like she loved him.

I admit, I was an irresponsible pet owner back then and allowed her to have several litter of kittens, but when she lost a litter over several days and mourned the babies, we decided to have her spayed. She went from home to home with us.

At the end, all she would do is sleep on the shelf on our headboard. I was with her at the end and was petting her when she passed over the bridge. I do believe in life after death.

You did what was best for your little girl and have nothing to feel guilty about. She knew she was loved. You showed her true love by letting her go.. You did not do a bad thing.

I did do a bad thing. I made a mistake. My situation is not the same as yours. That is what I am dealing with. Try as people might, invalidating my feelings solves nothing.

It is not ending a cat's life before its time if a cat is euthanized when diagnosed with chronic renal failure. You euthanized your cat after treating her for four years. Those four years were your gift to her, not a promise to continue treating her forever. Yes, the timing of her death was apparently a result of your personal choices, not a change in her health, but that's not a bad thing.

Originally Posted by morning

My girl was not there, but she was slowing down, sleeping more and looking different when she slept, skinny with no muscle tone holding her together, all stretched out.

I wish our pets had the human consciousness to be able to say, "I want to go now" or not. I tell myself I put her on life support and so I had to take her off. It's a bit of playing god, which I don't like to do.

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The playing god part starts with the medical treatment. When you decided to treat her instead of letting her die in pain 4.5 years ago, that was when you were playing god. This summer, when you euthanized her, you stopped playing god.

Just because you start a treatment does not mean that it is the best course of action to continue it EVEN IF NOTHING CHANGES (and it sounds like her health was changing). I've quoted you above saying that she was going downhill. Were you planning on waiting for another "acute medical episode" so that she could die in peace? How would one more "acute medical episode" been a better life for her? Your vet was willing to euthanize your cat, yes? That's a pretty good sign that it was a reasonable choice. The only choice, no. Apparently it was the wrong choice for your mental well being, but that doesn't mean that it was the wrong choice for your cat.

You say that this euthanasia was different from past ones because then you felt that the cat was ready to go and this time you didn't. Couldn't the difference be in your personal and emotional situation and not in the health of the cats?

You made a very brave decision to look to the future instead of continuing to keep a cat who was very slowly, but inevitably, suffering a decrease in quality of life (if she was 20 life wasn't going to be getting any better). Unfortunately, your brave decision appears to have caused a serious emotional backlash. That doesn't make the decision to euthanize your cat wrong; instead your current emotional state makes it imperative that you get help.

If a chat room is useful, a disembodied voice on a phone should be more useful, not useless. You can get help, and you need to.

I just wanted to let you know that I am truly sorry for your loss. I hope that you find a way to resolve your feelings of guilt and despair. Know that you are in my thoughts.

> I just wanted to let you know that I am truly sorry for your loss. I hope that you find a way to resolve your feelings of guilt and despair. Know that you are in my thoughts.

Thank you.
It's very hard knowing I took a creature who was beautiful, stable, contended and trusting ... through a difficult, painful, frightening and relatively lengthy euthanasia process.

I robbed her of a reasonable end of life, and myself of a good chunk of self respect.

I had to stop hating myself for this, which I realized because the heart pains were starting to get quite scary. There will still be ups and downs, but I have progressed.

Wanted to say thanks to everyone who cared.

I'm very sorry you lost your girl

I'm glad you are finally trying to forgive yourself. You were just trying to do what was best for her after all.

Originally Posted by Morning

I've read some posts but I don't feel I have anything to offer so I have not posted. I don't believe in afterlife, so that sort of talk does not comfort me, but I would appreciate anyone's thoughts other than that.

Thank you for reading this.:bawling

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While you may not believe in an afterlife, I'm sure you've seen many people say that after their pet has died, they have found another who seemed to capture the "spirit" of the lost pet. Not a reincarnation, not a replacement, but another being who needed them in a special way and helped them heal.

Twenty years is a very long life for a cat, and it sounds like you were responsible for making it so long. You did it out of love, and you did it for no reward other than the joy of the company of your cat. Sooner or later, something would bring about a final crisis; you did your best to fight off the devouring beast as long as you could, and we all love and respect you for it.