Anyone ever been cheated on???

Originally Posted by greenvillegal

I love him so much, and I think everyone deserves a second chance, but I really do not see how I could ever trust him again. Has anyone ever been cheated on and how did you deal with it? Did you give them another chance?

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Yes, I have been cheated on. Two different guys. Both were long term relationships.

Without trust there is no relationship.

The first guy I actually caught red handed so to speak. We were supposed to be going camping. He didn't come to my home to pick me up when he said he would, and there was no answer on his phone. He only lived about 8 blocks from me so I walked over there to see what was wrong. I rang his bell and saw him coming out of his bedroom in a bathrobe. When he opened the door I saw a girl's leather jacket and boots on the steps. I left.

He tried to call me and apologize and make excuses and proclaim his love for me etc. etc. I didn't buy into it. If he loved me he wouldn't have been with her.

The second guy was someone I seriously thought to be my "soul mate". He went to a party at his brother's house in another town, and while there he met a girl. The following week he was "different".... distant ... distracted. I called him on the Wednesday and he said he couldn't talk long because he was cleaning! Now this guy never cleaned. I did that. On the Friday he was to call me and let me know how his job interview went. I never heard from him. On Sunday I called him and asked him what was going on. He confessed about this girl he met and that she had come to see him that weekend and was there. Apparently they were an item since the party a week before. Which explains why he was "distant" with me. He and I had been dating 18 months and were talking marriage.

He and I broke up. He got engaged to her the following Christmas (less than 2 months later) and 6 months after that they were married. He contacted me earlier this year telling me that he and his wife split up and were divorcing and that the biggest mistake he ever made was letting me go. He wanted to see me. I told him that I had moved on and so should he. It took lots of will to tell him that because I never did get over him. But he hurt me really badly and if he did it once he will do it again, and I wasn't prepared to let him do that to me again. I have more respect for myself than to be his "in betweenie"; someone who is convenient and a fall back. Which is what it would be because it was only time before he felt the need to romp with someone else.

Hon, if a guy you are dating, not even married to is already cheating on you, that's not a good sign. And you sure don't want to be getting even more deeply involved by becoming engaged to this guy.

I know you say you love him, but he doesn't love you. You don't do stuff like that to someone that you love.

Do yourself a favour and maintain your dignity and self respect and walk away with your head held high. You deserve way better than that. I know! I've been through it.

Once someone cheats on you it's hard to regain that trust, and without trust there is no relationship because there is always suspicion about where he is if he isn't with you, or if he's late to pick you up, or if he can't talk on the phone when you call etc.

Walk away and find yourself a man that only has eyes for you. Trust me, there will be someone like that.

He sounds like he doesn't really care about you if he didn't even react that you were with another guy. IMO I wouldn't have anything else to do with him. Like others said, if he loved you, he wouldn't have done that to you. You need to get rid of him. There are so many better guys out in the world that would love and respect you. I know you love him, but you also have to love yourself and respect yourself enough to do better.

I agree with the others that have said it, "once a cheater, always a cheater." Unfortunately very few people who have cheated ever stop. It's usually a process that is repeated over and over again. It's especially more likely to continue when the person cheating was caught in the act and didn't come clean themselves. To me cheating is a line that cannot be crossed in a relationship. I would never take someone back after they had cheated. I would hope you would think highly enough of yourself to do the same. You deserve someone who wants to be with only you.

I have been cheated on as well. . . when I found out I left and left him with all the bills and no job. . . After about four months of him being hungry and begging me to come back. . . I came back, and thankfully he has behaved since and that was over a year ago. . . I am not saying that he wont if you make him wait. . . only he knows if he will or not, however if you truly love him, and the same goes for him, give it a try. . . Just do what I did and dont let yourself get suprised. Dont let your guard down. Perhaps in your heart dont hold him so close. . . that way you are not as hurt if it happens again .. . Find out why he did it. . . find a way for him to not do it again. . . Its alot of work, and if he can do it, then its worth it, but if he does a second time, then end of story. . .

I personally dont think I could keep my cool to not murder him if it happend a second time, but its cuz I am crazy!!!

If he cheated once, he'll do it again.

I once dated a guy who would start a fight so he could go out and sleep with someone else, justifying it to himself that we had broken up for a few hours. I left when I figured out what a loser he was.

You will make it through this!

I'm sorry for what has happened but you really do need to find the strength to leave him. I have never met a couple or heard of a couple that has lasted through cheating. Some have lasted a few years, only to end up in a divorce. Mariage doesn't change anything. Two years in all reality isn't that long when you think about about nearly a decade together. If my SO cheated on me today I would be out of the house tomorrow. I love him dearly and never want to lose him, but if he treated me like I was nothing, then I should treat him the same way. Yes I would cry and cry, but I would not take him back. It's not worth it, think about how much it hurt this time, what's it going to feel like next time, and the next? If he knows you will take him back, that's the go ahead to do it again someday.

I'm not 100% sure, more like 98% sure a guy that I was dating for a month cheated on me. He was looking through emails and I just happened to be watching him when some naked picture of a female "friend" of his popped up. He tried playing it off like it was no big deal, but when I searched into it more I was sure they weren't just friends. Facebook is awesome, text messages are even better, and naked pictures can hardly be topped. I walked out of his house that day and never came back.

Also if he already cheated on you more that once that means that he has no concience. How can you cheat on some one again and again and not feel enough remorse to stop?! He's dirt.

There's so many cliche's that describe this situation...
Once a cheater, always a cheater...
A leopard can't change his spots...

Here's my story.
I started dating Chet when I was 15 years old and he was 16. He always had a wandering eye, but 'said' he was faithful to me. After high school, I heard rumors and found evidence that he was cheating on me. I always thought...if I try harder, be better, love him more...he'll be faithful. We married at 22/23. He continued to sneak around and I continued to think it was my fault because I needed to try harder, be better and love him more. After 5 years of marriage, I came home early one afternoon from work and caught him in bed with my best friend (who was also the wife of the best man at our wedding.) That was truly the last straw. I finally figured out that it was HIS problem, not me. We divorced a couple of years later (I couldn't really give up, but he still couldn't be faithful.) He's since remarried. He still cheats. He even suggested getting together with me for 'old time's sake'. I really gave him a piece of my mind about that!!! I pointed out that it was his pathologic infidelity that destroyed our marriage, and if he didn't want it to happen to him again, he needed to clean up his act. For what it's worth, he's still a cheater. Proof positive that "once a cheater, always a cheater!"

Please don't make the same mistakes I did. Please don't waste any more of your time on this loser. You deserve better, and you know it. Once the trust is gone, you can NEVER regain it. Believe me!

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It's painful now, and you want to believe he will change......but you really don't want to relive this pain over and over....and that's what will happen if you give in and take him back.

My heart goes out to you

I'm sorry this happened to you. I personally would never and will never take back a cheater. I know myself, and I would be constantly thinking about it, imagining way too many scenarios in my head, every time I looked at him. It would drive me crazy and I could never trust him again.

I hope you are practicing safe sex, if not you are setting yourself up to get an STD. Cheaters tend to sleep with others that are also cheaters. How many different men did the woman he has been cheating with have as a bed-partner?

You are sleeping with ALL of them when it comes to STD's. While many are curable and mostly a humiliation and the ultimate form of degradation, you could be exposed to Herpes which is incurable or even worse you could get HIV.

Not only did he cheat, he lied about cheating. You can't trust a liar or a cheater. If you take him back you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of suffering. Just not worth it when there are so many great guys out there.

You have gotten good advice. and I fully agree once a cheater always a cheater no matter what.

And i disgare with those who said what you did was ok. It wasnt IMO. Tit for Tat and an eye for an eye is a game in which no one wins. It only keeps the cycle of hurt going. If you *did* take him back I can guarentee it would be used against you at a later date as an excuse to his cheating again or something..

abuse exhusband. Started the day we got together and the whole five years we were married. NO money,barely any food,no phone,no car. Two kids.

He'd get $500. a week always broke,thought it was funny to have no innsurrance on his car,no vaild plates,no sticker,ALWAYS! money to take his girls out to MS.Brunswick Diner. {which while sounds inexpensive it's not} or them to the movies. I found out after he had the clinic for his stds called my MOM who lived next door. trust me it don't take 2+2 to fiqure it out. Claimed he was working third shift. and would leave the house at 2pm til 7am. I was 19 years old and stupid. $45000. in debt,in bankrupty after I left him. 18 credit cards all over due. our house was way behind. and seriously last time he hit me. he broke my nose and four ribs,and would have done more if my than best friend didn't run in and almost kill him.

CHEATERS! Suck and they will cheat over and over again. period. if you take him back YOUR handing him all the power in you life and his. Please Please don't. there's men or sifficant others out there that won't cheat. and NEVER NEVER would.

Hugs Luve. Angel

My sister cheated on her now ex husband with her fitness instructor and only after 4 months she is now getting remarried to a mate of mine. I think he is insane for taking her on. i couldn't trust her. I did tell her the once a cheater thing and she never really talked to me after that! I'll be going to the wedding tho, any chance to wear a hat! She gets bored and never stays the distance.

Seriously tho give him up, breaking up is never easy but i'd tell him to sling his hook. He'll do it again.

be careful.

Why does he even want you back? Nope! Too late, sorry charley! No way , no how! Cause honestly it was over the very first time it happened! I have been through enough to know now, being alone isn't as bad as having a cheater as your partner! And think about this>You'll always be worried, everytime he is away from you! Not worth it! Why does he want you back?
What's wrong did she reject him or something, probably!!He doesn't know what love is, and he has got you confused about what it is! What is it that you will have that is so wonderful about him after you take him back? He isn't what you want, so get out while you still have some dignity left, don't stay in it thinking he worth something, all what staying with him is going to do is bring you down, leave you with no self respect, and then it will be even hardier on you! I heard stories like this and I thank God everyday, I get lonely
but hearing this just keeps me happy that I don't have to worry about some
guy cheating! you will be miserable with him , and it will get worse. You can't get respect from someone whom doesn't respect themselves! There is no room for you or anyone else for that matter! I would go talk to the girl, there is always 2 sides! Please don't be desperate, and hook up with another loser, give yourself time, and be very picky! Let them come to you!!!
Take care and I wish you the best!!!
Monique

I thought of something else you mentioned, something about 4 mos. him not acting right or something? I think he was probably cheating that whole time! and when she saw it wasn't going anywhere... she probably dumped him! That is why he is begging you back! Girl, don't give him that much credit!!!You are giving him entirely too much credit!!!

Originally Posted by greenvillegal

Meaghan, he actually mentioned marriage last night. Saying that maybe we need to start talking about it and planning for the future... can't believe that either. I just can't believe anything!

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Even if you are considering tyring again with him marriage would be the LAST thing on my mind at this point. It would only be a bandaid in this case... and even in my case we waited over a year after getting back together before we got married... and again, there was no cheating. It vaguely reminds me of the people who feel that having a child might "fix" their marriage. It just doesn't work that way.

Originally Posted by kittymonsters

I hope you are practicing safe sex, if not you are setting yourself up to get an STD. Cheaters tend to sleep with others that are also cheaters. How many different men did the woman he has been cheating with have as a bed-partner?

You are sleeping with ALL of them when it comes to STD's. While many are curable and mostly a humiliation and the ultimate form of degradation, you could be exposed to Herpes which is incurable or even worse you could get HIV.

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Very good point! Not only have you been practicing safe sex with him but has he been doing the same with this "other" woman?

I don't really agree with once a cheater always a cheater..HOWEVER..I do think that once the person you love cheats..YOU will always see them as a cheater. I don't know about anyone else here, but I could never look at my spouse the same if he cheated..not to mention drive myself crazy always wondering what he is up to.

Its just not worth it. You deserve someone who values you.

carwashcats, I wish she HAD dumped him, but she fell for him and she's getting pissy that he's trying to get away from her and work things out with me.

I'm really having some issues with her, because he's afraid if he pisses her off she'll go to HR (they work together) and get him fired. At his work it's a rule, no relationships with other coworkers. She's technically below him too. He's put in the same amount of time into his career as he has into me, but he didn't think about the consequences and now I feel like I am being punished. He loves his job (maybe he should have thought about that before he broke the rules) and is afraid to lose it, but I'm getting pissed that he gets to see her every day and play it safe and "wait until she gets tired of him ignoring her and leaves him alone naturally." I got news for him, she's going to stick around for a while. I think if he loves me he needs to risk his job for me and tell her it's history.

I hear what all of you are saying, but for some reason I can't make myself tell him off.

Originally Posted by Trouts mom

I don't really agree with once a cheater always a cheater..HOWEVER..I do think that once the person you love cheats..YOU will always see them as a cheater. I don't know about anyone else here, but I could never look at my spouse the same if he cheated..not to mention drive myself crazy always wondering what he is up to.

Its just not worth it. You deserve someone who values you.

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I also will agree with Trout about this. I wouldn't be able to let go of the fact that my man cheated on me and I would worry everytime he was a few minutes late from work. Which, it would then turn into a vicious circle, if you think he's a cheater then he will be a cheater.

Originally Posted by greenvillegal

I hear what all of you are saying, but for some reason I can't make myself tell him off.

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I personally don't see any purpose to telling him off myself. Sure, it might make you feel better but only temporarily. I still think the best thing would be some solitary time. No contact so you can think with out him telling you what you want to hear.

I agree that cheating is a horrible, hurtfu thing, but "once a cheater, always a cheater" is nt necessarily so. We had not been together very long, and before me his longest relationship had been about a month. Given his family history, I am surprised he was not worse. (I found out about this later.) Both his mother and line of stepfathers, everytime she would get divorced, she woulf get pregnant to get another husband, and all of them except his father, who was murdered when he was six were cheaters. Back to the point, he picked up a local **** at a party and had sex with her. No relationship, no "call you later" only scraped up red skin where he had scrubbed himself so hard afterward. I was FURIOUS of course, and gave him a hard time for weeks. He finally sat me down, looked me in the eye and promised me if I would forgive him, he would never even look at another woman. It took awhile for me to trust him, and I still have the occasional bout of wondering, but he has kept his promise for the most part. (It is hard not to look at half the population of the world.) I made the decision to trust him, and believe what he said, and have never regretted it. It just depends on if he is a good man that made a mistake, or a dirtbag that will treat you like something he wiped off his shoes.
It hurt like nothing I have ever felt, but once the knot in my stomach finally went away, he turned into a great guy.

I know you say you still love the guy and he wants to work things out. Well here is what I say tell the guy to back off you you. Tell him you need a few weeks to digest all that happened without him hounding you to take him back. After a few weeks with no contact from him and just thinking in your own what you really want you may just see you don't need this loser in your life.

I am sorry I just could not trust a known cheater in my life I just couldn't. There is just to much worry and distrust that goes with it. And you say him and her work together and he is afraid to break it totally off with her because she might rat him and lose his job. I mean that would speak volumes to me about his character.