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Anyone ever been cheated on??? - Page 3

post #61 of 79
Thread Starter 
You're right Ping... and everyone else... he should be willing to do everything for me, and it's not my fault that he broke the rules at work and now might have to pay for it.

I think if I just give myself a few days away from him I can see through his words and gestures and get past him.

I can't tell you how much you all have helped. If I had never started this thread I'd probably be back with him right now.
post #62 of 79
Girlfriend, DUMP THE LOSER!!!! I know that you said that you can't seem to want to, but trust me, you'll be better off without some jack--- in your life!

I am in the process of getting out of a nearly 6 year marriage to someone who I thought was a great guy. I grew suspicious of his antics about 2 years into our marriage. I never caught him in the act, but it was obvious to me that something was up. There was so much that he was doing that my fingers would fall off typing them, and I have already lived through it once, and that was enough for me. Two summers ago, he was deployed. He was in a position that we could in some form or another keep in contact on a daily basis, and then out of no where, we didn't have any contact for 2-3 weeks. When he did finally get back into contact with me, I knew something was up. When he returned home a few months later, he was totally different. I knew something was up because when he got back into contact with and when he returned home, he told me that he wanted to work on our relationship, and he wanted to try to have another child, which the latter was COMPLETELY out of character because one of the things that first attracted me to him was that he only wanted to ever have one child--and we had already had her. So, being my devious detective self, while he would sleep or while he was at work, I had gotten into his different email accounts, yahoo and msn messenger accounts, and into his cell phone. I was absolutely not happy at what I found. Going back to when he was deployed and my suspicions brewing, I faked an STD, and I got the truth out of him. While he was crying like a baby, he again said that he wanted to work on the relationship and to try to have another child. So, I agreed, but only in part to find out more. A few months afterwards, he started having an inappropriate relationship with a co-worker of his--but the were just friends. Yeah right, I am not stupid. Long story short, I am leaving him.

After he returned from his deployment and after we agreed to work on the relationship, I never could trust him. Every time I looked at him, it made me physically sick to my stomach and enraged me. I could never trust him when he went somewhere without me, and I could never trust when he got home late. That's not without saying that I truly did forgive him after awhile, but then he started with the wench he's with now. That is not forgiveable in my book.

I am SOOOOOO much happier without him, and the only reason that I still talk to him or see him is because we have a child together. If we didn't have a child, I would have left him a long time ago.

It's simply not worth the heartache and the pain to be walking on broken glass and egg shells 24/7. Life is to be lived happily!
post #63 of 79
Quote:
Originally Posted by greenvillegal View Post
You're right Ping... and everyone else... he should be willing to do everything for me, and it's not my fault that he broke the rules at work and now might have to pay for it.

I think if I just give myself a few days away from him I can see through his words and gestures and get past him.

I can't tell you how much you all have helped. If I had never started this thread I'd probably be back with him right now.
Pamper yourself while your at it! Take a few days just for you... read, take a hot bath, get a manicure... do the things for you that you don't get to do often. I'm sure you'll have a whole new perspective after a few days alone.
post #64 of 79
So this guy thought the other girl was so very important to him to cheat with he was willing to risk your feelings, trust, and your relationship on many occasions and also his own job!
You can bet someone with such brilliant life assessment skills such as his is someone you DO NOT want to be with, talk about more trouble than they are worth. He will do it again. Don't take him back. That is not a healthy relationship.
You should not feel guilt about what he did at his job, you should feel anger that he did this for so long and even told you lies to your face. You should feel mad that he didn’t care about you more. You should be mad he cheated on you, and for so long, and that you had to catch him to get the truth. He didn't want to get "caught". He thought he was smarter than to get caught, by you, by work. He is way too old for these games. Please leave him, drop all contact! Don't listen to his lies anymore. They only bring hurt to you and false realities. Hugs to you during this hard time I agreewith twistychick, pamper yourself, take some time to yourself and with your friends.
post #65 of 79
Quote:
Originally Posted by greenvillegal View Post
"I love you so much and don't want to lose you, I'm so sorry that I did this to you and I was right on the verge of coming clean to you. I feel so horrible and would do anything to get you back."
If he was on the verge of telling you , do you know if he was about to break it off with this other girl, or do you think he is just trying to keep his options open with you by telling you that, if he was on the verge of telling you but hadnt actually broken it off with the other girl, I would have some serious doubts.


People can change, but its soooooooo hard to build up trust in your significant other.

Maybe if you feel strong enough ask him how he see's his future, does he see you two settling down and having family (if thats what you want) If he sees you both growing old together, and he really wants it to work, ask him to find another job and leave his current place of work (obviously give him a chance to find a job and dont expect him just to quit and not have income)

If you decide to stay together try reading this book: The Five Love languages Its a great way to identify what you need and what he needs to be happy, I am a newly wed, and my husband and I read it, and it has deffinatly helped keep our relationship strong and healthy.
post #66 of 79
I'd be scared of STDs too.

But I also wouldn't make any decisions right now if you are still unsure of what to do. The best thing would be to NOT have any contact with him for at least a month.
post #67 of 79
Thread Starter 
I don't have to worry about STDs because we haven't had sex for over 4 months. I think we stopped having sex before he started with her, but I will ask him if he used protection. He has a daughter, and so he and I have even always used protection.

He hadn't broken it off with her, I caught him at a party at her house, he says he was going to break it off with her that night because of a conversation he and I had just had and he felt terrible, but I just don't believe it...
post #68 of 79
Quote:
Originally Posted by greenvillegal View Post

He hadn't broken it off with her, I caught him at a party at her house, he says he was going to break it off with her that night because of a conversation he and I had just had and he felt terrible, but I just don't believe it...
Don't believe it! He is telling you this because HE GOT CAUGHT! I know it isn't as easy when you are in the situation, and believe me, I've been there and never will again.

I know you are hurting right now at the thought of ending it, but believe me, you are only going to hurt more if you stay with him.
post #69 of 79
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dixie_Darlin View Post
I always say "Once a cheater, always a cheater"

Don't take this the wrong way but if you take him back it's like saying you approved of his behaviour and that you'll forgive him if he does it again.


I'm posting this before I read the entire thread, but this just jumped out at me and I have to agree!

I've been cheated on - more than once - and the guys who said "I'm sorry" weren't. Not only did they do it again if I forgave them, they also blamed ME for being stupid enough to take them back!

Not only are they cheating on YOU, they're also cheating on the OTHER person! And if you let them "get away with it", chances are, they'll do it again & again, b/c they KNOW you'll forgive them again.

And how can you trust that person again if they've done it once? You'll always be suspicious after that of any peculiar behavior: you can't have a decent relationship once the trust has been broken..

~KK~
post #70 of 79
Thread Starter 
Thanks guys. I am really so close to just telling him to have a nice life. I just need a little more courage and thinking time. I was thinking about asking him to find another job so that he is away from the girl. I know he won't do it. I just don't think I would ever be able to fully trust him unless he wasn't around her every day.
post #71 of 79
Quote:
Originally Posted by greenvillegal View Post
I just need a little more courage and thinking time.
I don't get what is to be afraid of or what you need to think about.

A guy you are dating slept with someone else. The only reason he told you is because you caught him. He's a liar and a sneek and if you think he won't do it again with someone else, you are deluding yourself.

Him getting a job somewhere else will not help. All of the trust you had for him is gone and you will be forever suspicious of what he is doing when he isn't with you.

If you marry that guy and have kids with him, all that's going to happen is in the end you will end up a single parent with life ties to the guy. If that is the kind of relationship that you want to have for the rest of your life, then I wish you well, and also tell you that you will have no right to complain about the outcome because everyone here has given you fair warning as to what will happen because they have had personal experience in the matter.

Sorry to be blunt, but I get very frustrate seeing people stay in bad relationships, especially when they know they should get out, because of a sense of neediness and / or obligation.

Take the advice that you would give to your best friend or sister who was in the same situation. Leave and don't look back!
post #72 of 79
Wow, a whole month of cheating on you... I wouldn't believe a word he said about "I love you and dont want to lose you". If he truly did love you, the thought of cheating on you would NEVER have crossed his mind. I personally have not been cheated on, and cannot imagine the devastation that comes with finding something like that out. I believe people deserve second chances with some things, but cheating is not one of them. By taking him back, he will think his behavior is okay, and you will always be suspicious. Every time he is out somewhere, you will most likely be wondering if he is cheating again.

Find a man who appreciates you and values you enough to not cheat.
post #73 of 79
Quote:
Originally Posted by greenvillegal View Post
Thanks guys. I am really so close to just telling him to have a nice life. I just need a little more courage and thinking time. I was thinking about asking him to find another job so that he is away from the girl. I know he won't do it. I just don't think I would ever be able to fully trust him unless he wasn't around her every day.
You are strong enough and smart enough to walk away from this man... you must believe that! Take all the time to yourself that you need.

You know deep down that even if he's not working with "this" girl there will most likely be others. Do what you need to to move on... and we're here for you.
post #74 of 79
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalie_ca View Post
I don't get what is to be afraid of or what you need to think about.

A guy you are dating slept with someone else. The only reason he told you is because you caught him. He's a liar and a sneek and if you think he won't do it again with someone else, you are deluding yourself.

Him getting a job somewhere else will not help. All of the trust you had for him is gone and you will be forever suspicious of what he is doing when he isn't with you.


As Natalie said, the only reason he told you at all, is b/c you caught him! Do you think he would have told you on his own if you wouldn't have caught him?? I think that's pretty scary myself, knowing that the only reason you do know is b/c you caught him. How do you know what else he has lied to you about??

Getting another job won't matter: there will always be other girls at other jobs who may tempt him. And, as you've already said yourself, the trust is gone: that's no basis to have a relationship on...

He's 31 years old: if he's not "grown up" by now, chances are, he never will be. My last boyfrind, who cheated on me (more than once) was in his forties: at that age, you would think he'd be mature by then, and know better than to cheat. He had more "excuses" as to why he did it, than a rat who has rabies. I heard all the "I love you, but..." BS, too, and that's all it was - total BS. He didn't love or respect me; if he did, he wouldn't have done it. The only person HE was in love with was himself. He was a cheater, and a liar, and an abuser: he only cared about himself, and everything he did was for his own selfish gain. He didn't care who he hurt, as long as he got what he wanted. People who DO care do not lie, or cheat, or hurt others. Your boyfriend knew that what he was doing was wrong, or else he wouldn't have lied about it...

If you give him another chance, he's gonna do it again - that's almost guarantee..

What are you afraid of? Being alone?? If you are, I can tell you right now that being alone is a thousand times better than being w/ someone who will, in all probability, hurt you again & again & again. Loneliness is better than misery: take it from someone who knows.

You deserve better than someone who took something that's supposed to be a special bond between two people, and turned it into something cheap...

~KK~
post #75 of 79
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoRachelHere View Post
I have been cheated on as well. . . when I found out I left and left him with all the bills and no job. . . After about four months of him being hungry and begging me to come back. . . I came back, and thankfully he has behaved since and that was over a year ago. . . I am not saying that he wont if you make him wait. . . only he knows if he will or not, however if you truly love him, and the same goes for him, give it a try. . . Just do what I did and dont let yourself get suprised. Dont let your guard down. Perhaps in your heart dont hold him so close. . . that way you are not as hurt if it happens again .. . Find out why he did it. . . find a way for him to not do it again. . . Its alot of work, and if he can do it, then its worth it, but if he does a second time, then end of story. . .

I personally dont think I could keep my cool to not murder him if it happend a second time, but its cuz I am crazy!!!
Get mad at me if you want but.....

Like everyone else is saying...I have also sais...once a cheater always a cheater.

And my darling child...you should not have to work so hard to make a relationship work. You forever will be wondering if he is doing it again. And in your case...how can you be sure? It happend before while you were at work. How do you know he isnt now? You dont and you will never know for sure.

**my 2 cents**
post #76 of 79
I'm a man, haven't went through all responses so I don't know if you got another man's perspective in here, but let me answer your question thoroughly.

You're 25, seem to have a job you like. You did not say how you learned the truth or how it happened. I believe like you people are deserving in a second chance all the time, but that second chance could be a friendship pass rather than a lover's pass, and all in due time.

Quote:
We have been together for 2 years. He says it was just one girl, and it started about a month ago.
It was more than one time thing I suppose, if it lasted a month, so it's an affair. I would personally never be able to look in my gf's eyes if I had been in bed with another Twinkie earlier that day. I don't know what kind of relationship you had, but had this case arrived after 25 years of marriage, I would encourage you to work on it. But it's been only 2 years and he's already shopping around for lack of a better word.

Trust is a rare commodity nowadays, and it's the sort of thing you should care for with all your heart. Messing up once can be acceptable in certain circumstances, but I suppose he messed up more than one in a month. You said it yourself anyway - you will never be able to trust him again, and apparently, with good reasons. Can you build a successful long-term (read: decades) relationship with this type of person? Probably not. If all you're looking for is a temporary companion, then you can do what you want.

I'm sorry for this by the way. I know the feeling. Betrayal hurts more than anything. If you wonder what I'd do: toss his arse out the window.

Edit: Saw you found out by catching him. In this case, I would DEFINITELY toss is arse out the window.
post #77 of 79
Quote:
Originally Posted by greenvillegal View Post
He hadn't broken it off with her, I caught him at a party at her house, he says he was going to break it off with her that night because of a conversation he and I had just had and he felt terrible, but I just don't believe it...
What a jack!!!!!!! I hope to goodness you work up the courage girl!!! You don't need men like that! They just bring you down and make you feel terrible about who you are. There are so many men out there that wouldn't do something as hurtful as cheating on you, let alone have an affair. It sounds like that's what he is doing, livig two lives, "loving" two girls Men like him make me sick.
post #78 of 79
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalie_ca View Post
I don't get what is to be afraid of or what you need to think about.
No offense, as I use to say stuff like that too and I can't speak for greenville's exact feelings...however one relationship I was in for quite a significant time, I actually had to go into counselling to find the courage. The then-boyfriend was depressed at the time, not receiving help, and basically belittled me any chance he got. He was never that way at the beginning of the relationship.

I really had to find courage to stop it. We had spent so much time building a happy relationship, then his depression kicked in and affected me. I think it took me to two months to explode (literally) on him.

However I'm not much of a confrontational person anymore. I gave much of it up several years ago as I was sick and tired of having to stand up for myself all the time (really ALL the time).
post #79 of 79
I myself have never been cheated on but my partner of 24 years his ex-wife cheated on him I take it you have no children ? I'm ashuming no well if you take him back think how your gunna feel next time you catch him at it and you have 1 or 2 kids to raise on your own hun I say get out now wile the goings good and try not to let others pay for his indescreshions hope it all works out
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