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Am I WRONG and BAD?? Need ADVICE about Thanksgiving...

post #1 of 16
Thread Starter 
I have a dilemma and would like your opinion on this.

A friend of mine invited me to her house for Thanksgiving and recently, I contacted her to ask how many people would be going (so I'd know how much food to make) and who would be there. To my HORROR, I found out that a guy I totally DISLIKE was invited AND it'd be a very small group- only the host/hostess, the JERK, me and host's neice plus their kids.

I have a VERY BAD history with this JERK- I actually kicked him out of my apt one Thanksgiving (A friend originally made me invite him over for Thanksgiving) He was sooo LAZY- didn't help with cleaning up, I actually had to ask him to take the turkey platter out to the trashbin, he WHINED about it then had the NERVE to ask if he could borrow my slippers cuz he didn't want to put HIS shoes on to go outside, I told him HECK NO (he couldn't fit into my slippers and I wouldn't want HIM wearing them- EW), to shut up and do it THEN later on that night I found out he was criticizing my home decor behind my back so I stormed into the room and told him if he had a problem with my home decor that he could get out! He tried to apologize but I told him to leave anyway) THEN about a year ago, he tried to dump a cat on me, actually threatened to throw the poor cat outside if I refused to take her in, eventually I had to take her in BUT I REFUSED to let him into my apt and REFUSED to talk with him. (more info available at this link- http://www.thecatsite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=47357). Even now, whenever I see him at church, it's REAL HARD for me to be POLITE- if he comes up to me and asks a question, I ALWAYS am ABRUPT in my answers and am VERY COLD toward him..... I KNOW it's wrong but I just can't be two faced...

ANYWAY, the hostess knows of my KIND feelings for this man but unfortunately her hubby found out that the JERK had no place to go for Thanksgiving (GEE I WONDER WHY) and invited him. The host didn't know of our history.. When the hostess found out he had been invited, she got a bit worried but then thought it'd be okay cuz they had invited a lot of other people meaning hopefully I wouldn't have to interact with him much since others would be there. Unfortunately, a lot of these people backed out (dunno if it's because of the JERK or for other reasons).

When I found out about him being invited, I told the hostess that I was not sure if I'd be coming to her house because I am not sure if I can enjoy Thanksgiving if I'm there with him. I also don't want to make it a "tense and awkward" Thanksgiving for my friends and have them worry about protecting HIM from me . I want them to have a GOOD Thanksgiving and enjoy themselves..

OPTIONS: stay home on Thanksgiving ALONE with my cats (all of my good friends already have plans or will be out of town and I don't want to invite myself over- that's TACKY IMO) OR go to this friend's and HOPE I don't have with him again...If there were a lot of other people there, I THINK it'd be okay cuz I'd be able to avoid him and spend time with other people but since it'd just be me, JERK and a neice, it'd be IMPOSSIBLE to avoid him.. I told the hostess I'd let her know by Sunday my decision - she understood but I feel soo guilty and rude..

I KNOW I should be christian and try to forgive him but HONESTLY, every time I see him (we're in the same church), I just get sooooo .... But on the other hand, I feel sorry for the hostess cuz if I don't go, she'd just have the kids, her hubby, the neice (who doesn't know sign language) and the JERK to visit with..

What's your ADVICE???? HELP... BE HONEST.. Tell me if I am being wrong about this....
post #2 of 16
The decision is up to you on whether you want to go or not. If you really think that one person will spoil your Thanksgiving, then don't go.

You never know...perhaps he found out you're coming and opted out of the invite.

To share a few years ago I was part of a local group and had volunteered my home for a new years social event. For the entire month prior I didn't hear from anyone if they were coming. So I started to clean any and prepare a bit.
The morning of NYE I get a phone call from the two people in the group that I wasn't fond of. One was in this really depressive state and would touch B (and inquire if B and I were still together) and the other was just this really weird guy that I can't even begin to describe.

Anyway, when I realized THAT was going to be my New Years....I called them back to say that due to lack of response the party was cancelled
B and I called up a few friends and went out that evening.
post #3 of 16
I don't think you are being mean or bad. I think what you end up doing will be whats right for you. Does the hostess feel the same way about the Jerk? If she does I would consider going nd just hang out with her. Let her husband deal with him. Set them up in front of the tv with some movies and the 2 of you stay in the kitchen, drink wine and cook. No matter what you do though just try to have fun. If you stay home cook a nice little thanksgiving dinner for you and the cats. I bet they would love turkey.

I hope you end up doing what makes you happy. In the end thats all that matters.
post #4 of 16
I would tell her the truth about why you don't want to go and that you aren't comfortable being in such a small group around him. I think that is very understandable.
post #5 of 16
Well, the guy seems like a real class act. Anyway, there are some things to consider. At what time is dinner? You mentioned you would be cooking, but are you expected to to cook and help prepare over there? Can you just go for the meal? If the dinner is earlier in the day, then you could say that you had said that you would drop by another friend's house for dessert. If it's later in the day, then say you are tired and leave after dessert or whatever.

I'm assuming that you are driving yourself over there. That means you can get up and leave at anytime. If the guy annoys you to the point that you cannot hold your tongue (or your fists!) anymore for the sake of politeness, then say you aren't feeling well and leave.

If just being in the same room with this guy will ruin your entire holiday, the just don't go. If the host and hostess are your friends, then have the respect and consideration for them not to make their party awkward

Personally, I would go and if I ultimately didn't feel comfortable, then I'd leave, but at least I would have tried.

Tricia

P.S. Maybe you can secretly spit in his dessert!
post #6 of 16
Talk to your friend and explain what is going on. Tell her you will come just as dinner starts and leave as soon as you are finished eating. Maybe you could take the dessert with you and enjoy it by yourself at home. If that isn't acceptable to your friend, don't go.
post #7 of 16
Y'know... if I were in your situation, I would put a smile on my face and go. I'd be cheerful and sunny and compliment the food and make lighthearted jokes and generally do my level best to make it a wonderful time for everyone -- "the jerk" included.

Here's why: the host and hostess are opening their home to people who have nowhere else to go for the holiday. That's an act of great kindness and generosity. The least I can do in return is be similarly kind and generous by accepting their thoughtful invitation and helping make their Thanksgiving Day enjoyable.

And in the process, maybe I'll find it in myself to genuinely forgive the fellow and start over with a clean slate, rather than holding a grudge.

Holidays are a time for being our best selves. Maybe things worked out this way for a reason: to give both you and this fellow a chance to make things right.
post #8 of 16
Ok, I'm confused. You are invited over to a friend's house for dinner, but you are doing the cooking? Are you cooking the entire dinner or just a side dish? And, you hate this guy because he wouldn't take something out to the trashcan outside? And he was criticizing your decor? To me that is kind of petty. In my family, the men didn't do anything with preparation or clean up. I always that that was unfair. The men did their thing (eating, watching the game or sleeping, and the women did their thing, cooking, cleaning up and putting everything away. Maybe it was just the way he was raised? And, if he didn't like your decor, what does he know...he's a man!

If you don't like the guy, you don't like him. I can understand that. There are some people that rub me wrong when I look at them. But, why not swallow your anger and try to enjoy the holiday? I'm sure he already knows how you feel about him, just be the bigger person and be in the same room with him (and don't kill him!) for the evening.

Honestly, I think it would be sad for you to give up a Thanksgiving with your friends because you don't like someone that is also invited. Maybe something to think about.
post #9 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by calico2222 View Post
Ok, I'm confused. You are invited over to a friend's house for dinner, but you are doing the cooking? Are you cooking the entire dinner or just a side dish? And, you hate this guy because he wouldn't take something out to the trashcan outside? And he was criticizing your decor? To me that is kind of petty. In my family, the men didn't do anything with preparation or clean up. I always that that was unfair. The men did their thing (eating, watching the game or sleeping, and the women did their thing, cooking, cleaning up and putting everything away. Maybe it was just the way he was raised? And, if he didn't like your decor, what does he know...he's a man!

If you don't like the guy, you don't like him. I can understand that. There are some people that rub me wrong when I look at them. But, why not swallow your anger and try to enjoy the holiday? I'm sure he already knows how you feel about him, just be the bigger person and be in the same room with him (and don't kill him!) for the evening.

Honestly, I think it would be sad for you to give up a Thanksgiving with your friends because you don't like someone that is also invited. Maybe something to think about.
Calico, you have to read the linked thread to know why she really doesn't like this guy. The other things are essentially just annoyances. Pamela has a really good reason to not like this guy and not want to be around him.

Tricia
post #10 of 16
You know, I learned long ago that life is too short to harbour hate, animosity and hard feelings against anyone. Besides, it takes so much energy which could be spent in much better ways.

Also, when you harbour grudges and hate for someone, you are giving that person power over you.

Apparently you have been harbouring intense ill feelings towards this guy for over 3 years now. I think it's time you let it go

If it were me in your position, I would go to my friend's house as planned, even knowing that he was going to be there. I would be pleasant and cordial to everyone, including him.

What he says and does isn't your concern or business, and if he just sits there while others clean up, that's been him and the people who invited him.

If you decline you are going to make your friends feel bad because you were invited and accepted and then backed out because someone else was invited after that. Not only will they feel bad, but you will be home alone and miss out on a wonderful dinner and occasion that is meant to be spent with friends and family.
post #11 of 16
If you can be civil to him then go, take the high moral ground, and be wonderfully friendly (just maybe not to him). It helps if you think "i'm better than him, and he isn't worth ruining my evening"
Maybe you'll be lucky and he'll leave early
My bf has a half brother who lives with his dad (my bf lives with his mum) and while i have been repeatedly invited to his dads house i've never gone as i can't keep my mouth shut, and the kid is a BRAT, and tbh makes me glad my bfs dad wasn't the main parent in my bfs life. atm his dad likes me, and knows his kid isn't that pleasant to be around.
However if you really think it'll just be too stressful (and i think you'd be totally justified in thinking that), then stay in, pamper yourself, rent a few good movies cook something decadent, and spoil your kitties!
post #12 of 16
I would go, be very pleasant, hang out with the hostess or the kids and leave shortly after dessert. If you know he's lazy, it's probably safe to hang out in the kitchen and help the hostess

My FIL has a lonely, miserable friend that we often end up with on holidays. He's just plain mean sometimes, drinks and says really insensitive things even when he's sober (so you can imagine what he's like once he's had a few ). I just make sure I'm wherever he's not and sit at the other end of the table.
post #13 of 16
I'm not going to judge you, but here's my story:

I'm invited to a long-time friend's house for turkey. I see her MAYBE once a year, but I've known her for almost 30.

She has friends that I won't associate with. One of them WILL be at her house on turkey day. She's given me the heads up, which I appreciate, and I'm still going - I can suck it up for two-four hours and be cool but civil.

It's only a couple of hours out of my life, and I don't get to see my friend often at all, so I'm just going to deal with it and be as pleasant to the person I cannot stand as is humanly possible.

And then I will go home feeling good because I took the high road and survived it. Life is too short to let yourself be eaten up by bitterness toward anyone - it's just one day.

Just my story, again, not a judgement. This is how I deal with it.
post #14 of 16
You could go to that Thanksgiving get together...even if you had trouble with that guy before. You going there will look like he doesn't even bother you anymore.

Just go & have a great time no matter who is there Don't let that guy ruin your Thanksgiving!
post #15 of 16
It must be one of those things where something about him really rubs you the wrong way. If he is always trying to talk to you at church, it seems like a one-sided thing, which is good-- it means you are completely in control.

It seems like your options are to go and make nice, or stay home. Your friend's husband was trying to be nice and invite someone with nowhere else to go over for a holiday, it wasn't a personal attack on you.

So, if you think you can bite your tongue and smile, go to Thanksgiving. If you don't think you can, don't go. From what you say about interacting with him when you do see him, it doesn't sound like you'll be very civil towards him, and if that's the case, don't go because it will just make everyone miserable and awkward. Don't just hope you won't fight with him-- you're in control of that.
post #16 of 16
You know, I'm going to go against the common grain here and say if these folks aren't family, I don't seen any reason to subject yourself to a situation in which you know you will be on edge and generally miserable, especially if these are friends you get to see on a regular basis. Get togethers with friends should be enjoyable. I can suffer through my miserable relatives, because they are family, but I wouldn't suffer through a holiday around "just people" I don't like. Don't guilt yourself into something you won't be happy with.

Some people you just aren't going to like. You don't have to like everyone. Everyone doesn't have to like you. I only skimmed your post but it's very obvious this guy makes you miserable. I'd rather be alone with my cats than around people I really, really can't tolerate. Especially considering this guy's behavior about his cat... I'd be real hard pressed to not take a baseball bat to someone threatening to just throw any animal out of the house... He has "no place to go" for thanksgiving for a reason.

Ask yourself how much these people REALLY mean to you and if putting up with someone that you so severely dislike is worth it.
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