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I'm so sick of this. Long rant. Extremely upset.

post #1 of 22
Thread Starter 
please delete
post #2 of 22
What I see very clearly is that your dad is an abuser - physical and emotional/verbal. I strongly recommend you read this book (or buy it) - Abuse Survivors Speak Out by Patricia Evans.

It saved my life/sanity from my ex's verbal abuse to me and my son. You need to get out of the house and urge your mother to do the same. It will only get worse and one or both of you will wind up in the hospital cause of his abuse.
post #3 of 22
I didnt read the whole thread... because I didnt have to. Your father is abusive not only physically but emotionally as well. Ive been in your shoes. I know how horrible it feels to be unappreciated, emotionally abused daily, talked down upon, be-littled, disrespected, and crushed. Have you thought of talking about these problems with a professional, has your family tried family counceling (didnt work for us, it just escalated the problem between me and my mother's ex)? I know how hard it is to keep all that bottled up, thank you for sharing. The only way my situation was solved (after 13 years of torture) was when my mom finally divorced the man and he was rid of our lives (he was a step-parent so never seeing him again was ok by me). Im not saying this is your only solution, there are many options out there... Have you ever called a womens crisis center, they are much better at giving options/advise then any of us may be?
post #4 of 22
I am so sorry you are going through this. I know its hard especially when the person abusing you is your father. I hope you get to find your own place soon.
post #5 of 22
Oh man. I don't even know what to say to help, other than I'm sending lots of good to help you get through this. I've known people that were physically and mentally abusive. My mother can be mentally abusive at times, and it's difficult to deal with. Everyone handles things differently, but I do agree that the best thing would be for you to be out of that home. Now, I did see that you said that didn't work, but it's a goal that I would work hard toward. It may take awhile, but, in the end, it will be the best. I wish I had better advice for you. Just know that you have people here that care and will try to help you through.
post #6 of 22
Does this sound like your dad?

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/nar...652/DSECTION=2

My parents are both like this. It helped me a lot to realize that they have a disorder. I wish you well!
post #7 of 22
Oh Emma... I so understand your misery. You've got to get away, even if it means moving to a whole new city where jobs are easier to find. I don't think you can move forward with your life as long as you're under this oppressive influence.

Meanwhile, rant whenever it helps, hon.
post #8 of 22
Whew that was an intense read {I don't mean that in a negative way}. Does your government offer you any extra assistance to move house? like an accommodation supplement? Perhaps you could discuss this trouble with your case worker? or get your counselor to write a note to your case worker explaining you need extra money, to get out of that environment. I don't wish to sound horrible, but you will make very little progress in therapy until your environment changes.
I understand very well the difficulty you are experiencing, I had a great deal of the same crap from all the adults in my life. Oh and if you are seriously feeling murderous I recommend you stay at a friends house.
One of the main "achievements" I guess you can call it is that I never ended up in prison, a lot of people always thought I would end up killing one or all the the abusive people in my life.

What I did however was I spun all that negative B.S into positive stuff, when I was rundown, told I would never amount to anything, I'm too stupid to ever hold down a decent job or get any qualifications. I just went on a mission to prove them wrong. I still haven't achieved my dream as a teenager, that was to have all my qualifications framed in a quality and heavy timber so I could crack each one of them over the head.

My mum was and still is like your dad when it comes to saying or doing stuff, then later on acting as if nothing had happened.

Sorry for the long reply, I just wanted you to know, I truly understand what you are going through and that it isn't easy at all.

If you need to chat/vent some more, you are welcome to PM me. heres some to help you feel better.
post #9 of 22
I also empathize with your situation. My mother is very much like your father. And my father in the same situation as your mother. My mother, to this day, is the same, although her mind is going downhill faster and faster each day (she's 77, dad's 80). Several years ago, I sat down with my father, while I was still living there, when my mom was NOWHERE to be found. She was out on her daily trek to the grocery store. I discovered a man I never knew growing up. I can now talk to my dad about anything. Including my mother. He kept quiet all thsoe years to not 'rile her up' so to speak. He knew she was a tyrant and kept his mouth shut to not provoke her... of course, me as a teenager and into young adulthood, I just HAD to find her buttons and push them as hard as possible. (She's a bigot, although not to the "offender's" face, I went the opposite direction in viewpoints and my life is all the better for it)

Soemthing else to consider, although getting him into a counselor himself might be nearly impossible... is that he may have some sort of mental illness... the Narcissistic Personality Disorder is one possibility. There are others...

Or he may just enjoy torment ing people... that's my mother...

Get out ASAP. If you can handle not keeping an eye on the house, for Charlie's sake, hit the local library or someplace else to do your job search work. Also, if you can afford one, get a kitty stroller and take Charlie out on walks... unless you have him harness trained... but at his age, he may not take to that... the stroller would give him some safe outdoor time... and get both of you out of the house for a little while. Also, try to refocus that anger into something positive. it's hard at first. maybe try some creative writing. Write some short stories... they don't have to be prize-winning work, but something to focus the energy into... and no one has to read them but you. Unless you want.

Takes some nice deep breaths... I know it's hard to see now, but you will get through it without killing anyone...

Amanda
post #10 of 22
I'm so sorry you live in a situation like that. I know it's hard to move if you don't have any money, but is there anyone who would be willing to take you in for a few months until you got on your feet and could pay them back? Also, maybe you can find one or two people who need a roommate, if you can afford that.

I agree that you won't be able to move forward until you get out of that environment. It's poisoning you. Maybe you can talk to a government agency for government assistance. I know that sucks, but isn't your sanity and safety (and Charlie's, as well) more important?

Good luck!

Tricia
post #11 of 22
Emma - I am so sorry that you have to endure this. This does sound like abuse to me. I really wish I could help you.

My heart goes out to you...I am sorry. If there is anything I can do, please do let me know.
post #12 of 22
Thread Starter 
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post #13 of 22
post #14 of 22
I understnad almost exaclty where your comming from. I have lived with similar. I moved out of my parents house when i was 17 cause i just couldnt take it anymore.
There are ways that you can get out of there while being on a centerlink payment. There are places set up just for that kind of thing. A place helped me called WAYSS now i dont know what suburb of melb your in so i dont know if they are in your area but look them up online. When i found a place to rent they payd the deposit for me. Some places will even give you the money for your first 2 weeks rent as well. (I kinda cant remember which place that was tho im sorry)
Speak to centerlink and your councler (i think you said you were seeing someone) and ask them for advice on getting your own place. It CAN be done, i have done it. Due to my depression i havnt been able to work since i was 17 and im living in a rental place with my BF. If you need someone to talk to feel free to PM me, im at least knida local to you hope you are able to get things sorted out.
post #15 of 22
Thread Starter 
I was told Centrelink could pay the deposit for me, but they take it out of my payments, so it's the same as me saving the money up
post #16 of 22
Yeah and thats not much help is it. Well this was a few years ago that i got my place so maybe its changed i dont know. But i remember now it was the Ministory of housing that payed the deposit and WAYSS that gave me the check for the 2 weeks advance rent. I dont have to give them any of the money back either. Its assumed that youll use it again if you need to move. Maybe look into Crisis housing to, cause it really sounds like you need to be out of there. Youll be much happier for it even if you will be broke.
post #17 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragoriana View Post
Do you know how hard it is knowing youre intelligent than alot of people you meet, and the person you used to look up to now treats you like a complete ignoramous?
Yes, I know exactly how hard it is, and I know it totally sucks .

Have you ever told your dad to grow up and act his age?
It comes as a bit of a shock to older people, when a young person tells them to grow up. I certainly had to do it when I was going through similar crap to you.

I don't know where you are from, I may have missed it in past posts, but anyway, you should be able to question different government agencies as to your entitlements. You will probably find that there are "unknown" branches within your government that can provide you with 1 off payments for say rent or an emergency bill.

If your dad threatens to hit you twice as hard or whatever, that is just wrong. You should be able to feel safe around your parents. I know you are unhappy about your mum not helping you as such, but please don't hold a grudge against her, she is simply being submissive and its understandable since your dad sounds like a domineering prick. (I apologise if its offensive for me to say that about your dad)

When you do get your own place, I suggest you only invite your mum over and reduce your amount of contact with your dad for a while, it will be best and I think your therapist will say the same thing.

And don't worry, Drago, there will come a day when he questions himself as both husband and father, its inevitable, if that makes you feel a little better.
post #18 of 22
Is there any kind of women's abuse shelters in your area to help you out?



What I really hate is when people label abusers as "controlling/domineering" - call it what they are - ABUSERS - the other is kinda sugar coating it.
post #19 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragoriana View Post
I was told Centrelink could pay the deposit for me, but they take it out of my payments, so it's the same as me saving the money up
Do you have a government housing trust in Vic? In SA the housing trust will pay the bond for low income people, you don't pay it back until you move out - and then instead of the landlord giving you the bond it goes right back to the housing trust.
post #20 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tarasque View Post
Yeah and thats not much help is it. Well this was a few years ago that i got my place so maybe its changed i dont know. But i remember now it was the Ministory of housing that payed the deposit and WAYSS that gave me the check for the 2 weeks advance rent. I dont have to give them any of the money back either. Its assumed that youll use it again if you need to move. Maybe look into Crisis housing to, cause it really sounds like you need to be out of there. Youll be much happier for it even if you will be broke.
Emma....I have read through ALL of these posts.(Sorry...this is a long response also.)
Check to see if you have a womans crisis shelter that you can stay at for awhile while you save up fro your own place (call local churches to see if they know of a place if you can`t find one one your own)Charlie will be FINE being an idoor only. He will adjust, so you do not need to worry about paying for an outdoor inclosure right now. If the shelter will not ley you bring Charlie then find SOMEONE who will care for him for a little while when you are at the shelter.
You ARE being abused.You NEED to get out of there. You can`t make your Mom go...but you can be an example to her. Maybe she will, if you will.
Your Dad is an abusing controller and he is probably NOT going to change.
It is his home, and you are an adult, so he "gets the say" (if you know what I mean)
When you are out of there , and not before then, you WILL BE ABLE to set boundries with him....or not see him if that`s what you desire. (Boundries would certainly include TELLING HIM that if he speaks or acts abusive to you when you are there that you will leave. (If he`s at your place, you will tell him to leave ......and if he does`nt that you`ll call the cops, then follow through with it.) If you are on the phone with him, and he talks in a disrespectful way, that he will get one warning from you to change his attitude immeadiatly...or he will hear the phone click in his ear....and when he calls back, if his attitude has`nt changed with an apology...then he`ll get the "click" again. You will HAVE to be 100% consistant with him to make him respect that when you are on your own, you have the RIGHT & THE POWER to demand him to respond to you in a positive way....or YOU WILL MAKE THE CHOICE TO HAVE NO RELATIONSHIP with him.
If you were 16 I would not be advising quite the same way. (Being a minor the only advise would be to get the police involved and find a foster home)
But you ARE an adult and will have to help yourself to get away.
I`m praying you can find some support for the initial move as you seek a way to totally support yourself and Charlie in the near furure. Until then you are under his power.
As for him....he`s a coward & and a JERK....and he needs to GET A JOB! (But you can`t make him....and it probably would`nt do a lot to change what he`s like....it just might make him tired enough that he would`nt have so much energy to be so mean to the people that he`s suppose to love and support!)
As long as you continue to stay there HE IS IN CONTROL....and you deserve to be FREE OF HIM and HAVE A LIFE!!!
Go for it Girl....and do whatever you have to to make this happen.
(This is only MY opinion....so of course you can just dismiss it if you like, or do different.....I`m not trying to control what decision you make.....but I am telling you how I see it...since you asked)
Praying for you, Emma...and for Charlie!
Linda
post #21 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoldenKitty45 View Post
Is there any kind of women's abuse shelters in your area to help you out?



What I really hate is when people label abusers as "controlling/domineering" - call it what they are - ABUSERS - the other is kinda sugar coating it.
Oh I labelled him as domineering as it was the first word that popped into my head.

Emma... {hope you don't mind m using your name since I saw it posted here just now} I just had an idea, perhaps not the best but I will suggest it anyway.
If you sit down with your mum and explain again that you are unhappy, you now feel unsafe and that you feel its best you move out, she might be able to give you even just a small amount toward if not the whole lot for bond. I understand she supports herself and your dad, but maybe she is wise and has a small stash for a rainy day, that even your dad doesn't know about.

Anyway that is just another thought.

I hope you can work something out soon.
post #22 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by DIEGO View Post
Oh I labelled him as domineering as it was the first word that popped into my head.

Emma... {hope you don't mind m using your name since I saw it posted here just now} I just had an idea, perhaps not the best but I will suggest it anyway.
If you sit down with your mum and explain again that you are unhappy, you now feel unsafe and that you feel its best you move out, she might be able to give you even just a small amount toward if not the whole lot for bond. I understand she supports herself and your dad, but maybe she is wise and has a small stash for a rainy day, that even your dad doesn't know about.

Anyway that is just another thought.

I hope you can work something out soon.
Good idea! Never hurts to ask....and maybe later you could offer her a temporay place to stay with you while she works at getting her own place if she ever decides to get away from him!
Linda
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