Okay...it's official, I have had it!

I know I promised myself I would not burden you all with my problems anymore as it seemed that lately, that's all that I have in my life but....I'm not sure how much more I can handle.

Honestly....I truly, wholeheartedly have had it. To the point, I don't even know if there are tears left. I just feel empty.

Anyways, most of you already know what an awful month of December I had with my father-in-law passing away and my grandmother 2 weeks after. Plus, both my sister and grandfather were admitted to the hospital on Christmas day. My sister is fine. My grandfather ended up with a collapsed lung and they inserted a draining tube to remove the fluid build up.

About a half hour ago, I received a phone call. Seems grandpa has now been diagnosed with lung cancer. He's known all day but did not want to call and tell me. They are sending him away to see what kind of treatment he will need. They also need to determine how bad it really is (or is not???). I don't hold out much hope. I am logical on this as I know lung cancer is not something that can be easily treated.

I guess I really just want to vent.

I honestly believe, I am losing faith in everything. I don't know....Is there some kind of voodoo dance I should be doing to send all this bad luck right where it came from????

I'm tired. Tired of crying, tired of hurting...just plain tired.

My sister called shortly after I got the news. She asked how I was and I replied: "Oh well...." She must think I am heartless.

For those who may think I am a pain posting all my troubles, I apologize....I just don't know where to turn anymore.

Thank you...

Ghys-

Please don't worry about being a pain, because you are not. There is nothing anyone can say when you suddenly find yourself thrust into the grieving process and you don't even want to think about that person not being in your life.

When my son died many years ago, I was never allowed to grieve for him. If I think back on it, I believe that at the time, people thought Jeremy didn't count because he never came home from the hospital. I also think that people shy away from the subject of death because it is uncomfortable and brings us up short with our mortality.

But it is not something to run from, it is something we have to learn slowly to accept and yes, to even embrace. It shapes us, and determines us and tests us. We cry and we shout and we get mad and we get crazy but we work it out and eventually we heal.

You will see all these wonderful people again.They may be gone from earth but they will forever be in your heart and your memories and it will be a grand reunion when it comes about.

You can email or PM me if you like. I am here for you any time, but this is your path you have to walk and you will not fall apart on it, because you are made of stronger things than that. I know this in my heart- you can beat this.

My heart goes out to you, I felt the same way today, everything piling up but it is nothing compared to what you are going through. I am so sorry, and there is nothing wrong with venting out, I think this place is great for it, theres always wonderful people to listen and I am so grateful for that.
You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers tonight.

Please take care of yourself.

(((((((((((((((hugs to you))))))))))))))))

Thank you so much....I just noticed that both of you have posts from today also. I haven't read them yet but I am heading there. I need to clear my mind and I feel I am focusing on my life too much. I do realise that others are going through rough times. I know I am not alone. I just have to find the strength to get through it all.

Thank you again....

I did end up venting last week....Laurie was a Godsend to me. And she basically said word for word what you have just said MaryAnne. TCS members are amazing. I am glad to have met you all. I truly think I have leaned on all of you for support so much in such a short time. I just don't want to alienate anyone because of this.

MaryAnne, I am so sorry for your loss. That is something that will never leave your heart. I am sure Jeremy is proud of his mommy. You are an amazing person and friend.

Kellye, Thank you....I really appreciate your supportand friendship. I hope things turn out well for you (although I haven't read you post yet, just caught a glimpse)

I am so sorry to hear about this. There is nothing wrong with venting out, especially if it helps to share.

Everyone has different ways to reacting to bad news and grief, and I sure your Sister knows this and didn't think that you were being heartless.

My thoughts are with you and the rest of your family.

Thank you Marie.

I'll be talking to my sister today. She was giving my grandpa a call last night but, she was crying and was really upset. I'm not sure if it was the perfect time to call him but, we'll see how the conversation went.

This morning, I still feel pretty much the same. It was not a great night for me so, I more or less had a restless sleep.

What upsets me this morning is, I am going back over my conversation with my grandmother and she kept saying "Grandpa's okay with this. You know, he's had a nice life up to know and is lucky he made it this far. (grandpa has had numerous surgeries). He's not getting any younger. Actually, neither am I. We're getting up there in age etc...." She just kept repeating how they have led a full life and how lucky both of them are that they have lived this long. It's almost like she's trying to prepare us for this. For the fact that both of them will be gone soon. And logically, yes...I know this. I know that sooner or later we all have to go. But, does it all have to happen at once???? That's where I have a problem.

I guess I am just angry....and the sad part is, I know that when something does happen and grandpa is no longer here.....I am going to feel guilt. Guilt about my reaction. Guilt about not having cried right away and guilt about being angry. But the fact is, that is where I am at today. My stomach is in knots and I actually feel nauseous.

I am going to see him this week. Just not today.

Thanks again for being here for me.

Looks like 2003 is starting off great. Not....

Hey ~g~

I am so sorry that you have had yet another bout of bad news. You surely don't deserve this!! But know that with modern medicine its still possible to live quality of life for a lung cancer patient, and perhaps your grandpa will be able to do that.

My thoughts are with you and your family once again.

Daniela.....Thank you! I honestly believed lung cancer was more or less incurable. I have horrible visions of him having difficulty taking a single breath. I am going to surf the net today and read up on lung cancer. A couple weeks ago, I was reading up on liver cancer. Not pleasant reading but it gives all the facts. Whether they are pleasant or not.

I'm at the office now and have no idea what is happening to me. The tears have started. I am fighting it because the office is not the best place for that but...I have the shakes like you wouldn't believe and am having a very hard time breathing. It's bringing me back to a place I don't want to go. After I lost my mom, I went through these symptoms and it wasn't fun. It lasted quite a while and I ended up at the doctors. Hope this is only a temporary thing.

I feel like laughing, crying, screaming....too bad my office isn't sound proof!

You are still grieving, are you sure you want to stay at work? Iwish I could zoom over and give you a BIG hug!

Thanks for the hug!

Well...I've decided I am going to get my hair cut and maybe colored on my lunch. Maybe I'll feel better after.

I'd go home but for some reason, I don't really want to go home to an empty place.

Ghys-

My heart goes out to you... I guess I know I don't really know you, so I don't know what to say except that I'm sorry this is all happening to you and your family. I just wanted you to know that I care.

Ghyslaine,

When it rains it pours doesn't it?

Of course I am wishing you and your family the guidance that is needed at a time like this. As I mentioned before on here, my father passed away from cancer but he lived 4 long years with it. At the same time my grandmother became sick and passed away 6 months before my dad's death.

I had people come up to me saying, 'Well, you knew they were sick so you should have been prepared for it!' Nice people, eh?

I am not going to tell you that it will get better or give it time and all will heal. To me these statements are not necessarily correct or appropriate. But I will tell you from experience, you do have to look after your health. With all you and your family have been through, please seek help if you need it. You have the support and love of your family and you are very lucky for this.

Mother's always seems to put everyone else's welfare before there own. You will find your way through this, but remember to not turn a blind eye to your own physical and mental state.

Ghyslaine, ((((((HUGS))))))) I've got no advice except to take the advice offered before this post here. All I can offer is my shoulder and that I feel for you. This has been so hard for you and it just never seems to stop, does it?

Cancer survival rates are going up all the time with all the new advances in medicine. Read up on them and if you can talk to his doctors. If you've dealt with oncologists before, you already know that they will be brutally honest with you, but they will be totally honest with you. Those people will do everything known to man, literally, to help your grandpa.

Like Kassandra said, please take care of yourself. Take time this weekend to do something with your boys. Allow yourself to enjoy them and have fun, even if it's just a temporary escape from this reality.

Ghyslaine, AAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! You need to go howl at the moon! Shake your fist at the clouds! LIFE'S NOT FAIR AND THIS IS NOT OK!!!!!

I do have an unpleasant thought that I have to share, though. I hate to say this, but your Grandpa might want to go. If they were very close, he might not want to fight. I hate to be just out there and blunt about it, but I think you ought to be aware of that possibility.

I'm so glad you're surrounded by wonderful people now - at work, with hubby and kids, and here at TCS.

You DO NOT need to fear venting. Like Heidi pointed out to Kellye, we have VERY LARGE shoulders here. The last thing any of us want is for members to feel alone, or feel the need to put on a "happy face" when there's so much turmoil in their lives. You know perfectly well Ghyslaine how we all feel - it's EXACTLY what you feel when others are in need. I've said the same thing over and over to Debbie. Get it out! We're here for you! We don't think it's stupid or small minded. We think you're human, and we want to hug you for it. I'm sure you've agreed with me when telling her not to worry, so just take a step back and pretend it's happening to someone else.

Maybe that's not such bad advice right at the moment. I'm not promoting denial, but you've sure had more than most human beings can take in a very, very short period of time. So let me rephrase my earlier sentence. We think you're superhuman, and we want to hug you for it.

BTW, I think you SHOULD take the rest of the day off.

After you get back from lunch (hope your hair looks great!), maybe stick around a bit then go.

But don't go home. Go to a bookstore. Either find something in which you can get engrossed, just a good fire-side novel or something - or go to the self-help section, and see if you can't find something that speaks to you about how to handle grieving/death/illness in the family. You never know. It might help.

Hug your boys and hubby exra special close tonight.

You remain in my prayers,

Laurie

BTW, I think your family needs a vacation! Maybe heading to Jamaica isn't such a bad idea.....

And if you want to try that voodoo thing, here's a link: Voodoo Stuff. And if I did this right, here's a picture of a "Luck" Voodoo doll you can purchase:

According to the site, if you want to change your luck instantly, you need to use the HooDoo Doctor to cast a spell. Here's a direct link: HooDoo Doctor It's only US$19.95 plus shipping and handling!


...just trying to bring a smile to that pretty face that needs a smile so much!!!!!!

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

Jan...Thank you. It means alot that you'd take the time to write. And....we will get to know each other well in time. I'm always around here!!! The fact that you care means alot to me.

Russian Blue ( I still can't grasp what your name is!!! People write it, I remember it and then....I forget it. I'm having a 'forget' moment) Thank you for your kind words. I'm hoping my grandfather lives for a little while.

Heidi...what can I say? You are always around when someone needs a hug. Thank you.

Laurie...you did bring a smile to my face. Amongst the tears....Thank you. I do need to scream. And I will. I just don't know when.

BTW: the hair turned out great! I love it. It was definately the pick me up I needed today. My normal hairdresser quit so, I had the owner do my hair. This is only the 2nd time in my life that a man does my hair. But, not the last!

Just spoke with my grandfather. He seems okay. He asked me not to worry too much. And then, he asked me to make sure someone takes care of grandma IF anything happens to him. I told him I would be honored to have her come stay with me and he was sooooo happy. I actually think that there are a few who would fight to have grandma stay with them. And then...I asked him if we could wait a while before discussing this. He chuckled and said "sure". It was nice hearing his voice and he made the comment "You know Ghyslaine, I have no plans of crawling away into a corner. I plan on fighting this until the end" I am really proud of him. He seems to have such a positive outlook.

Ghys - I wish I lived closer to you t give you a shoulder to cry on! What a horrid time you are having. I can tell you for sure that people do recover from lung cancer. My MIL had lund cancer 14 years ago and they had to remove her lung and give her chemo. She has had 12 years cancer free. She had some trouble breathing (with only the 1 lung), but the cancer has not re-occur (just other lung probs - but she is out of the hospital now). I hope that his is treatable! I wish the year were starting out better for you.

I will keep him and your family in my prayers!

Ady....Thank you. I wish you were closer too! I could go for coffee and pop tarts right about now!!!

I'm glad to hear there may be hope....I'm just not 100% positive that my grandfather has the strength to go through treatments. We are waiting to hear from the cancer clinic and then, he'll have his first appointment. We'll know the facts then. Until then, it's wait and see.

I do have an unpleasant thought that I have to share, though. I hate to say this, but your grandpa might want to go. If they were very close, he might not want to fight it. I hate to be just out there and blunt about it, but I think you ought to be aware of that possibility.

Click to expand...

Laurie....now I understand your PM. Sorry for the confusion. It's actually two different sets of grandparents.

My grandma(on dad's side) passed away on Dec. 26.

Grandma and grandpa (on mom's side) live near by.

Sorry!

G- I'm not sure what to say. I am sorry you have to deal with this so soon after other sadness. It sounds like your grandpa has a positive attitude which will definitely help him. As others have said, cancer is still scary, but it is curable. I hope everything goes ok with your grandpa.