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I cannot bond w/ these cats...:(

post #1 of 11
Thread Starter 
I lost Ashie June 1st....and I cannot "get over it"...I can't. Shortly after Ashie died, we did adopt two cats (which one cat you guys helped name for me because I couldn't emotionally attach myself to do so) and they are great cats...they are, but I cannot attach myself. Sure, I care about them....I pet them give them "love"...give them treats, take care of them, etc....but there is no deep emotions for them. Isn't that aweful???

I thought I was getting better until this afternoon when (as tears are starting to roll down my face now...niiicceeeeee) we were in Bronner's Christmas store in Frankenmuth, MI (Huge Christmas store/tourist trap). They have a display dedicated to cats...all the ornies, etc are cat-related and some of them are just downright BEAUTIFUL. I was instantly drawn to the display since that is something I had always done in the past.....look for cat things. But then I stopped when I realized what I was doing and reality hit that I "don't" have a need for this stuff anymore because Ashie is gone. OK...I'm being gay now...I am bawling. Is this PATHETIC or what? OMG. How I wanted this one ornie of a cat dish with a fish in it. It was the really fancy blown/tinny type with the glittery stuff on it. It was amazing (the old-school/old fashioned types), but I have no use for it. Does that make sense?

I was CRUSHED right there in the middle of the stupid store...not only because I didn't feel I could get one because of Ashie, but because all of the loss feelings came back...AND because it hit me in the face that I have NO attachment to these two new cats at all. NONE. NOT AT ALL.

I don't want anything bad to happen to them, but it isn't like I am going to by cat decor because "I have a cat(s)" like I did before...because to me, it isn't the same. And I know I can't expect it to be the same as before, but I think this goes to a little more extreme for me. Almost like I "don't have cats".....in the emotional sense.

I can't explain it. But you don't go by a part of a Chevy if you own a Ford, right? Something like that.

UGH. Does it get better? This is probably one of the worst things I've experienced since she has died. And I just cannot believe that I can still hurt THIS much.

But isn't that entire "can't buy cat things" just outright STUPID????
post #2 of 11
You know, I've had people tell me it takes months, many many months, to fully "attach" to a new kitty. A part of you never wants to let go of Ashie. It will only take time...
post #3 of 11
I agree ... Attachment takes a while ...
post #4 of 11
Could it be that you are subconsciously feeling guilty adopting these two new cats so soon after you lost Ashie? About a year after I lost my RIP Kit, I thought I was ready to adopt and give another kitty a loving home. Even after a year, when I went to the shelter to view the kitties, I would leave in tears. And even after I adopting my Sid, I tried to return her back to her fostermom. If it had not been for the faith that Sid's fostermom had in me when I did not have it in myself to love another like I loved my Kit, I would not know the love and attachment I now have for Sid. Give yourself time, and dont feel bad that you dont have that bond with the new cats.
post #5 of 11
Grief comes in all forms and it takes time each person griefs in there own way. Maybe it was to soon for you to adopt . The fact that you feel that you have no emotional attachment to them might not be so true maybe your going through guilt this is also a form of grief. Whatever you feel it's ok, it will get easier as time go by. You just need more time and that alright. Try not to feel bad about the way your feeling about the cats it will pass your just not ready.
post #6 of 11
Ugh.. I think most of us know the feeling. When we had to rehome my doggy, I got a little guinea pig and she was just such comfort. If you want to stay with the same kind of pet, get a cat that doesn't resemble your old one, by any means (personality looks etc) I also found getting a different gender helps.

I hope you can rejoice in the great moments you had with your old cat and enjoy the happy moments you are going to have with your new kitties. Don't feel quilty. I'm sure Ashie went to heaven wanting you to be happy. If you're happiest with new pets, then get them. She'll understand.

post #7 of 11
NO! It's not stupid to think that way. You have suffered a great loss and those feelings prove the love you had for Ashie. You are just in the 'hurt' phase of grieving. Anger will come next...which you are now getting angry at yourself...right? When that phase is over,you will go to the acceptance phase and you will be able to accept what has happened. Then,you will be able to form that bond with your new babies. It just takes time. I know...I have been there many times.

What you are feeling is absolutely normal. Don't think of yourself as thinking stupid thoughts! Think of how blessed you were to have had that special time and love with Ashie,and that what you learned and experienced thru her,can now be shared in the future. It is a very hard thing to deal with,but with your obvious passion and big heart....you'll find room in there for those two new lovebugs. ((HUGS))
post #8 of 11
We all experience death in our lives. We all lose pets and family and friends. And we all grieve the loss. There are specific stage

* Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
* Anger (why is this happening to me?)
* Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
* Depression (I don't care anymore)
* Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

However, it seems to me that you are stuck in the anger/depression stages and not able to move on.

Perhaps you should speak to a social worker at your local hospital or a clergy person at your church about getting some grief counselling.

Making an appointment with your doctor to get onto some anti-depressants wouldn't be a bad idea either. You seem to have fallen into a depression that started off as situational from the death of Ashie, and it seems to have gotten a good grip on you.

Taking anti-depressants is no big deal. Many people, including myself take them daily.

Once you get some counselling and get on some anti-depressants I think you will start feel a whole lot better.

Ashie will always be important, but there comes a time where you just have to let go and move on with your life. You can't live for what was. You have to live for what is.

You have 2 kittens that need you. Going through the motions of feeding them just isn't enough. They NEED you to love them.
post #9 of 11
Maybe you feel disloyal to Ashie, and on some level actually resent your new cats for "trying" to take her place. I understand how you might develop such a deep sense of loyalty to one kitty that you find yourself withholding your heart from any other cat... but please think about this:

Love is infinite. The more love you give, the more it wells up from within you. Love never runs out.

So you don't have to withdraw your love from Ashie in order to love these two kitties... or the hundred kitties at your local shelter... or all the kitties in the world. You have enough love in you for the whole universe.

Love is not jealous. It doesn't demand exclusive rights to your heart.

Your attention might be a different matter -- if Ashie were still here, she might prefer to keep you all to herself! But where she is now, all she needs of you is your love, and she will always have that.

As close as you and she were, I feel certain that if Ashie could speak to you now, she would tell you that she wants you to be happy -- and there is no greater happiness than loving.

Love is to be given. If you find yourself withholding it instead, then it isn't love you're acting out of, but fear.

I wonder if you might be afraid to love your new kitties because you think it would somehow diminish your bond with Ashie. But it can't possibly do that -- your love for her was unique, and the love I hope you'll come to feel with your new kitties will also be unique. Love involves no comparison, and no competition.

At least that's how I see it. I hope it helps.
post #10 of 11
When I lost Twiggy a few years back it was months before I "got over it" and even then there were days when the loss wold come back very strongly to me. it's gonna take time, but it will get better. One day a few months from now you will look down at your new friends and be happy that they are there for you and have been patient with your affections all that time. CarolPetunia has put it quite well.

My heart is with you.

post #11 of 11
Originally Posted by Natalie_ca View Post
You seem to have fallen into a depression that started off as situational from the death of Ashie, and it seems to have gotten a good grip on you.

That's a very good point. Nothing any of us has said can help much if your brain chemistry has been knocked out of balance by your loss. It may be that you do need some medical help to reach a point at which your brain/mind is capable of responding normally again.

Whatever you decide to do, we're here for you, okay?
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