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a quick rant about an upcoming wedding...

post #1 of 25
Thread Starter 
I just have to blow off some steam and make sure I'm not totally over reacting.

There are 4 bridesmaids, and we've been emailing everyone to set up the bachelorette party....well, one person doesn't respond to her emails OR answer her phone. So the three of us got a date and theme all planned and TODAY I find out everything has changed because the girl who never got back to anyone (maid of honor and sister to bride) planned everything without any input from the bridesmaids. We were planning on having a next Thursday party and I found out this evening (through the grapevine) that the party has been changed to Saturday (I had plans, now I have to cancel) and the party has already been planned.

Do the bridesmaids normally get to help plan the bride's bachelorette party? Am I just being an old maid? I know that I have to go and I have to smile and pretend everything is hunky dory because I don't want to upset the bride, but sheesh.

I don't even fit in to this bridal party. I'm the oldest, I have no real connection to this bride except that her husband to be is my husbands brother. the MOH is hiring a stripper and plans to go out drinking, I really don't want to do this.

oh yeah, and everyone knew about this on Monday except me. no one called me....actually i found that she called my cell but did not leave a message. I didn't know it was her calling because i had never seen that number before.......
post #2 of 25
Way back when I got married myself and friends planned my bachelorette party.
Due to location only one of the three bridesmaids could attend and we had a pretty good time.
If it was me I would only make a brief appearance and exit when you feel the time is right. Especially if there are parts of this night planned that you feel uncomfortable with.
post #3 of 25
Thread Starter 
you think that's ok? how would I do that without upsetting anyone. i don't care what they 'think' of me, i just don't want to be rude.
post #4 of 25
Technically, it IS the maid of honor's "duty" to plan the bachlorette party, but it is also her duty to keep everyone else up to date on what the plans are. This is going by so called ettiquet (that I can't even spell) not really what happens now. If everyone but the MOH was on board with the one you planned why can't you have two parties? I have never met a bride that wouldn't be up for 2 nights of partying! I suggest having your party on Thursday, and either show up briefly for the Saturday night one, or just explain to the bride (and MOH) that you already made plans for Saturday and won't be able to make it.

The most important thing is to not be resentful about this. I mean, you can feel that if you want, but remember this is all about the bride. But, I think she will be thrilled with having 2 parties...not many brides get that.
post #5 of 25
I don't think it's rude at all, especially considering that you just found out about it and they scheduled it without consulting you. (Personally, I think if anything THEY were kinda rude.) My bridesmaids were my sister and my SILs. The only one who attended my bachelorette party was my sister. My SILs couldn't make it, and it was really no big deal.
post #6 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by Renovia View Post
you think that's ok? how would I do that without upsetting anyone. i don't care what they 'think' of me, i just don't want to be rude.
Personally, I think since you're NOT the Maid of Honor, and you're not that close to the bride anyway, this wouldn't be considered rude. Make an appearance, chit-chat w/the girls for a bit, but if it gets too bawdy for you feel free to make a timely exit.

I am sorry the MOH felt the need to keep everyone else out of the loop on the whole thing
post #7 of 25
Why not have two bachelorette parties???

Calico is right, the bachelorette party is the MOH's responsibility and she must be communicated with. However in this day and age there etiquette seems to be "uncool".

Heck a semi-friend of ours is getting married this fall and she actually made a list of who should attend what party (bachelorette/bridal shower). She made one optional and the other required. Now that's a bit overdone in my book, but if you can't get out of the plans, don't worry about it.
post #8 of 25
Quote:
Technically, it IS the maid of honor's "duty" to plan the bachlorette party, but it is also her duty to keep everyone else up to date on what the plans are.

Exactly. I'd feel the same way if I were in your situation. (the difference being, I can be a bit of a hot-head and I would probably say something about it)
post #9 of 25
Bridesmaid drama... I'm very familiar with it.

I would make an appearance, but to be nice, just let the bride know you're not into that kind of stuff. If she's a good enough to ask you to be a bridesmaid, she's a good enough friend to understand that and know you well enough to expect it. At least one would hope. If she finds drama in that, well... I don't know what to say. Bridezilla?
post #10 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by DaniMarie View Post
Exactly. I'd feel the same way if I were in your situation. (the difference being, I can be a bit of a hot-head and I would probably say something about it)

Better say something that let the poor MOH go on knowing she is ticking everyone off!!

I was asked to be MOH at my high school best friend's wedding. She was at a different college, and she changed e-mails and didn't tell me, so there were some communication problems for a while. We never caught each other on the phone.

Well anyway, I did something that sounds similar to what you did... but the bride was just being nuts and trying to find an excuse to "fire" me. It was six months before the wedding and she demoted me because I hadn't thrown her a shower yet. She had gotten engaged two months prior. She also said she didn't think I could keep her "spiritually accountable" and that she needs someone who could do that (surprise! her new best friend was able to fill in the role... new friend of five months). She was afraid the fact that I had left Christianity would contaminate her wedding. In all honestly, we were just going our separate ways and didn't have a whole lot in common anymore, but she was too cowardly to deal with it and instead hurt me more than she realizes.
post #11 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by Renovia View Post
I just have to blow off some steam and make sure I'm not totally over reacting.

There are 4 bridesmaids, and we've been emailing everyone to set up the bachelorette party....well, one person doesn't respond to her emails OR answer her phone. So the three of us got a date and theme all planned and TODAY I find out everything has changed because the girl who never got back to anyone (maid of honor and sister to bride) planned everything without any input from the bridesmaids. We were planning on having a next Thursday party and I found out this evening (through the grapevine) that the party has been changed to Saturday (I had plans, now I have to cancel) and the party has already been planned.

Do the bridesmaids normally get to help plan the bride's bachelorette party? Am I just being an old maid? I know that I have to go and I have to smile and pretend everything is hunky dory because I don't want to upset the bride, but sheesh.

I don't even fit in to this bridal party. I'm the oldest, I have no real connection to this bride except that her husband to be is my husbands brother. the MOH is hiring a stripper and plans to go out drinking, I really don't want to do this.

oh yeah, and everyone knew about this on Monday except me. no one called me....actually i found that she called my cell but did not leave a message. I didn't know it was her calling because i had never seen that number before.......
I would make an appearance. I was briefly apart of my cousin's wedding. The MOH was trying to plan everything and was asking me for advice since I was the oldest, the other 2 bridesmaids planned everything including the shower behind the MOH back. Anywho the bachelorette party was lame IMO and I didn't want to go. The bride was so upset to hear this.

If a stripper would offend you then I would speak your mind and not go.

Good Luck. (this is why we eloped).
post #12 of 25
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by calico2222 View Post
Technically, it IS the maid of honor's "duty" to plan the bachlorette party, but it is also her duty to keep everyone else up to date on what the plans are. This is going by so called ettiquet (that I can't even spell) not really what happens now. If everyone but the MOH was on board with the one you planned why can't you have two parties? I have never met a bride that wouldn't be up for 2 nights of partying! I suggest having your party on Thursday, and either show up briefly for the Saturday night one, or just explain to the bride (and MOH) that you already made plans for Saturday and won't be able to make it.

The most important thing is to not be resentful about this. I mean, you can feel that if you want, but remember this is all about the bride. But, I think she will be thrilled with having 2 parties...not many brides get that.
I definitely don't think I'm being resentful, but I am a little ticked because it's still fresh. We'll probably have two parties on Thursday, but I can just see it now....I'll try to plan something and the bride's friends will hem and haw and not make any plans and on Thursday about 9pm decide to do something and in the process leave me out.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RicaLynn View Post
Personally, I think since you're NOT the Maid of Honor, and you're not that close to the bride anyway, this wouldn't be considered rude. Make an appearance, chit-chat w/the girls for a bit, but if it gets too bawdy for you feel free to make a timely exit.

I am sorry the MOH felt the need to keep everyone else out of the loop on the whole thing
I hope it's not going to be considered rude, I have to be family with her..... And I don't think the MOH intentionally kept everyone else out of the loop. It's just she's the youngest and she's EXTREMELY irresponsible. I knew from the beginning of the engagement that stuff like this was going to happen.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Godiva View Post
Bridesmaid drama... I'm very familiar with it.

I would make an appearance, but to be nice, just let the bride know you're not into that kind of stuff. If she's a good enough to ask you to be a bridesmaid, she's a good enough friend to understand that and know you well enough to expect it. At least one would hope. If she finds drama in that, well... I don't know what to say. Bridezilla?
what if the bride doesn't know about the party? i have to find out if it's going to be a surprise all of a sudden BECAUSE she still thinks it's THURSDAY. She already made plans (the same as mine) for Saturday.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Godiva View Post
Better say something that let the poor MOH go on knowing she is ticking everyone off!!

I was asked to be MOH at my high school best friend's wedding. She was at a different college, and she changed e-mails and didn't tell me, so there were some communication problems for a while. We never caught each other on the phone.

Well anyway, I did something that sounds similar to what you did... but the bride was just being nuts and trying to find an excuse to "fire" me. It was six months before the wedding and she demoted me because I hadn't thrown her a shower yet. She had gotten engaged two months prior. She also said she didn't think I could keep her "spiritually accountable" and that she needs someone who could do that (surprise! her new best friend was able to fill in the role... new friend of five months). She was afraid the fact that I had left Christianity would contaminate her wedding. In all honestly, we were just going our separate ways and didn't have a whole lot in common anymore, but she was too cowardly to deal with it and instead hurt me more than she realizes.
This is just awful, awful. I've been involved in three weddings now. Mine and two others. And there is something of 'drama' in every one that hurts people. This just stinks.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Crazyforinfo View Post
I would make an appearance. I was briefly apart of my cousin's wedding. The MOH was trying to plan everything and was asking me for advice since I was the oldest, the other 2 bridesmaids planned everything including the shower behind the MOH back. Anywho the bachelorette party was lame IMO and I didn't want to go. The bride was so upset to hear this.

If a stripper would offend you then I would speak your mind and not go.

Good Luck. (this is why we eloped).
Speak it to whom? I definitely want to be the bigger person here and say something to the effect that I'm not ok with the stuff she planned AND that if she had LEFT A MESSAGE when she called ONE of my numbers on MONDAY I could have planned something different with her......
post #13 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by Renovia View Post
Speak it to whom? I definitely want to be the bigger person here and say something to the effect that I'm not ok with the stuff she planned AND that if she had LEFT A MESSAGE when she called ONE of my numbers on MONDAY I could have planned something different with her......
Just tell her voicemail was invented for a reason
I'm in agreement, I don't like it either when someone calls my phone and doesn't leave a message. I always respond "Well if it was that important you would've left me a message".
post #14 of 25
Thread Starter 
exactly,

i try really hard to not be a paranoid person...but i can't help but think that subonciously, they really don't think of me as the bride's friend so they don't make the effort to contact me.......
post #15 of 25
IMO I'd tell her that because you were not notified till the last min and you have plans for that day, you cannot come AND tell her you just don't care to be around drinking and a stripper either.

I'm glad I don't have to get involved with that kind of stuff anymore. I went to one of them when under 25 yrs old and not married - fine then, but I certainly don't need or want to see another almost naked man - I have one of my own
post #16 of 25
You've gotten some great advice. But like you said, the MOH is young and irresponsible, so maybe cut her a teensy bit of slack? (Although you are NOT overreacting to this.)

It sounds like she really just wants to do something nice for the bride, even if she didn't execute it perfectly. If the Thursday party comes up in conversation, just say, "Well, things are already planned, so why not just keep the second party alive?"

Hopefully things will work out and in a few months, it'll be old news.

I actually had to plan my own bachelorette party because my MOH lived an hour and a half North and actually said that if my friends can't drive up there, she'll invite hers, and that the Thursday before the wedding wouldn't work with her schedule.

I had it on a weekend, and had a sleep over type of thing, very low key. Only one friend stayed the night, the rest left. *shrug*
post #17 of 25
Thread Starter 
sometimes i think that these parties are over-rated. am i a prude for not really wanting to sit around a living room watching a stripper? i could care less about the drinking bit.......

what if the stripper is from the town i teach in?.....

i'm trying hard to shrug this off, and as i type right now i definitely am less upset by it. i just want this girl to know that her lax-ness does not work for everyone and now I"M going to look horrible to the bride.
post #18 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by Renovia View Post
sometimes i think that these parties are over-rated. am i a prude for not really wanting to sit around a living room watching a stripper? i could care less about the drinking bit.......

what if the stripper is from the town i teach in?.....

i'm trying hard to shrug this off, and as i type right now i definitely am less upset by it. i just want this girl to know that her lax-ness does not work for everyone and now I"M going to look horrible to the bride.
Most of the parties I know involve drinking and strippers. There was only one party that didn't involve that(my cousin's) cause she didn't drink and is a prude.

Considerate people would make sure everyone is ok with the plans before booking.

I would just tell the MOH that you had plans that weekend.
post #19 of 25
Thread Starter 
well i guess I'm a prude then huh LOL
post #20 of 25
My daughter was in a wedding in April, two weeks before college finals. The MOH lives out-of-state, so the bridesmaids were responsible for planning the bachelorette party. Instead, the bride planned it out and then complained because it didn't go exactly as planned - not enough guys bought her drinks. My daughter isn't 21 yet, so many of the places required her to wait outside.
The girls had to attend a shower given by the groom's mother (interesting), two hours away, after being notified 3 days before the event.
During the reception, my daughter found out that the couple actually got married 3 years earlier. It was a "secret," with only a few people knowing about it (none of the couple's family know about it). One of the reasons for the early marriage was the groom was deployed to Iraq and that would get them more benefits. Okay. But telling some people and not others was not a good idea. The MOH still doesn't know. And the bride's behavior during the three years prior to the wedding doesn't bode well for a long union.
Oh, and the bride didn't send out thank you notes because the "dog mixed up the cards."

And I am waiting for my niece's wedding invitation to arrive - it's August 4th, but we have no idea of the time or location. Since it's out-of-state, it would be nice to know where and when so we can plan a few things with my family.
post #21 of 25
Quote:
IMO I'd tell her that because you were not notified till the last min and you have plans for that day, you cannot come
I agree. It really doesn't sound as if you're best friends anyway, just that you don't want to be rude. And I understand you being ticked about not about the change of plans. (it's a running joke in my family that I'm always the last to know anything; a joke to them, but not funny to me at all)
You're under no obligation to show up if you don't want to. Since you already had plans for that night, why not make an appearance then let the bride know you have a previous engagement and can't stay? I don't think I'd bother to tell her you don't like the idea of a stripper. After all, it's her party and if she wants to get plastered with a half naked man, that's her call
post #22 of 25
Thread Starter 
you know, i think i'd be ok with the stripper if it wasn't in a living room....that's just too close for comfort.

and i WOULD let the bride know I already have plans, but the problem is she was in them too and i know she's going to cancel. we were supposed to have dinner with our husband/finance and the boys' parents and godparents. the godparents are the officiants for the ceremony.....it was to plan the wedding details. so i don't think i can say to the bride, oh i have plans...i'm going to the dinner you are skipping out on....
post #23 of 25
Can't exactly have a bachelorette party without the bride... Maybe the plans you guys have is where it's all going to start? Have you told the MOH that the bride has plans too that night? It's all so darn complicated... I feel for you. *hugs*
post #24 of 25
You are NOT a prude! I don't think you were left out intentionally, as she did call, maybe she just doesn't like answerphones - not everyone will leave a message. (I know, it's v annoying though!) Just do what you feel comfortable with. I went to a night club later on in the night of my hen do and not evetyone came as it wasn't their scene. I wasn't at all bothered, I was just really pleased that people showed up at all! I hope it all works out ok and you have a good time whatever happens
post #25 of 25
Thread Starter 
thanks for all the great advice guys. i mentioned the fact that the bride had made plans and that she had no idea about the party....

also, verizon is really great (not). my cell just beeped to tell me i had a message, from the MOH from MONDAY.......sheesh. Glad I have a cell ya know?
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