You seriously need to wake up about this. You are in the standard denial stage and you are justifying his behaviour. It's part of the abuse cycle.
Abused women's case histories disclose several types of violence used against them. We see these repeated in case after case:
• Using weapons against them
• Beating, throwing them down
• Twisting arms, tripping, biting
• Pushing, shoving, hitting
• Pulling hair, slapping, choking
• Punching, kicking, grabbing
Physical abuse is only one form of abuse against women. It is the one most apparent to others because of the noticeable physical consequences. Some of the not-so-apparent forms of abuse include:
• Alcohol/drug addiction
• Economic deprivation
• Emotional Manipulation
• Using the children
• Using male privilege
• Sexual abuse
There are also typical emotional reactions to the abuse. These are some of the feelings abused women experience:
• Impaired trust
Often an abused woman does not accept that she is abused and will contend that what has happened to her is not abuse. She makes excuses for his behavior and hers. Abuse cannot be rationalized or denied away. It can be hidden; it can be painfully endured; but it cannot be denied away. On the other hand, there are many women who know they are abused but haven't succeeded in stopping it. Either way, help is needed.
Recognizing and identifying the effect it has on you and your children is part of the process of positive change. We can't fight or conquer something if we deny its existence. Breaking through the denial is essential to stopping the abuse. Recognizing and pinpointing the types of abuse you have endured is a way to break through the denial.
Don't get caught in the trap of putting everything else in front of your needs as excuses for not leaving. It's easy to look at your surroundings and think to yourself that you have worked hard to get the things in life that surround you. Things like a nice car, or house or cottage and nice furniture etc. All of those things are material and not worth putting your life on the line for. You may also think that your kids need a father and that you need a husband to take care of all of you. A man who abuses his spouse and / or his kids isn't taking care of you. He's doing exactly the opposite.
Pack you things, your kids and cats and go to a shelter where you can get some much needed counselling and in the process give you perspective and help you get back your self-esteem.
Once you gain some real perspective and get some self-esteem back, you will see what the rest of us are seeing.
I'm afraid for you. Truely afraid
I've been in an abusive relationship that started not unlike what you have been describing in your various threads. It escalated to physical beatings and even to a stint in the hosptial after he beat me with the metal pipes from a vacuum cleaner. Even then I stayed with him. He kept threatening to kill me or kill himself. Finally I just didn't care anymore. Being dead was better than the life I was living and I left. I went back to him eventually, and left again, and went back.
It took me 4 1/2 years to get the courage to leave him for good. If I hadn't left one of us would have been dead. I know in the end I found myself plotting out ways that I could kill him, but a very good friend made me see that even killing him would be giving him control over my life because I would be sitting in jail for a crime against a man who victimized me for years, and would still be victimizing me by finally taking my freedom of choice away.
He ended up stalking me for 6 months. Everywhere I went there he was. I worked at 7-11 at the time and worked a fair amount of night shifts. I didn't like working nights, especially alone, so I would bribe tow truck drivers and cab drivers and bikers etc with free coffee, fountain drinks and slurpees (7-11 counts their cups not their beverage products) in order for them to sit in the parking lot during my night shifts. All they had to do was bring their own cup and I gave them all of the slurpee, coffee or fountain drinks that they wanted.
One night my ex decided to sit in the parking lot across the street. There were 6 bikers sitting out front of the store. By bikers I'm referring to a local motorcycle gang that later merged with The Hell's Angels. They knew that I was having trouble with my ex and they were the ones who actually noticed the car sitting in the dark across the street. One asked me if that was my ex...and I said it was. They took a walk over there and had a talk with him. He drove away and I never had another problem with him. I don't know what they said to him, but I'm sure it wasn't very nice and probably very threatening, but they came back and told me that I won't have any more problems with him, and they were right.
That was in the early 1980's, and to this day he scares me. His father was a patient on a ward that I worked on and I was a basket case to the point I couldn't do my job. I hid in the back and was shaking really bad. I was sent home and took 3 sick days and when his father showed no signs of being discharged, I was allowed to temporarily switch jobs with a girl in the float pool and she worked my shifts on the ward and I went elsewhere in the hospital.
My point is to please get out while you can and before it affects your whole life.