Don't Flame Me, I'm Devastated Enough!!

Yup all the above.

She's reached that age where she can pretty much make decisions on her own. She's got to learn on her own -despite all your lessons- that people really do have bad things happen to them when they do bad things.

Heck I remember 'shoplifting' at her age...I did it once, I was a good kid, A and B student but I did it to try and fit into a certain group. The same week I did it, one of the peers was arrested and prosecuted for shoplifting. I never did it again.

Awww... Kim I'm sorry this happened.

Wow! Thanks everybody. I can't do multiquote or I'd thank you all individually, LOL.

I've heard some about the court in that town (we don't have the mall in "our" town, it's one over) and the judge is pretty good. Once he saw a kid back for not the first time, and made him sit down with a yellow pad and write what he wanted to do with his life. He will be sure to tell her that SHE is to pay the fine, not us. And she will just have to do something or give something up to get the money. And he will give her like a month or two and she will have to go back and tell him that she has paid. And she will also probably have a probation officer she will have to check in with. All in all - a pretty good system. I really think that some kids (or most) don't realize shoplifting is a crime. Well duh! But you know how their brains are!

I went through a "phase" where I shoplifted all the time, and the stupid thing was, it was things I didn't need, or could easily afford: bookmarks, books, candy -- small things I could stuff in my backpack or pocket. I suppose it was the thrill of it -- the thought that I could get caught -- that made me do it, or maybe I just wanted attention ... I don't know. When I did, finally, get caught, the worst punishment of all was seeing how disappointed my parents were in me. If it's any consolation to you at all, I am now a productive member of society, and the only larceny I get up to happens in my novels. In my case, it really was just a phase, and I got over it. It doesn't make you a bad parent, or your daughter a bad person.

Originally Posted by kluchetta

So last night I got a call from the mall that my daughter was caught SHOPLIFTING!!! This is beyond terrible. I totally feel like an awful parent and useless member of society. And she's my "good" kid...

She is, too - good grades, sweet, stood up to a bus full of people bullying someone last week. I just don't believe it!

I don't really need advice on her punishment and such, but is there any chance that she will go on and be a good person or is she spiraling downward into a pit of depravity?

(OK, that was a little overboard.) Oh, and she's 14, and one of the stores is pressing charges, which we fully support...

I feel horrible.

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I shoplifted a bit when i was 13-14.. and then the inevitable happened - I got caught, at Bradlees, shoplifting makeup with my best friend. I was mortified, and felt horrible, and was really upset ( I cried in the office )... and they were actually quite decent to me. I was terrified of what my mom would say.. but she was surprisingly calm about the whole thing. They declined to press charges, just banned me from the store for a year. we got in the car to go home, and my mom took a look at my tear-stained face, and said simply "did you learn your lesson?" I nodded yes and started crying again, and she hugged me and said it was ok, and that was the end of it - she never said another word about it. And you know what - I never shoplifted again - I really had learned my lesson. I've always loved her for that - she saw that I'd learned from it, and didn't make me feel worse, because she simply saw that it was unnecessary.

I personally dont feel that a single instance of shoplifting is the beginning of a downward spiral into moral depravity. she's a young teenager - most try shoplifting at some point. As long as this teaches her a lesson and she doesnt do it again, I think she should be fine.

aw Kim, you're a great parent, I agree with Arcadian girl that most teenagers try shoplifting once or twice. I was a REALLY good kid, straight A's, did my chores, helped with my little sister- and I was a crazy little klepto too my friend and I would go to Kmart and swipe eyeshadow and lip gloss I never got caught and i grew out of it eventually. My parents were great parents and I did this all on my own, getting caught and prosecuted will definitely give her a wake up call

This is the first time she got caught. How can you be absolutely certain that this is the first time she shoplifted?

I'll admit I shoplifted a few times when I as young. Once when I was very little about age 5, and then a couple of times with a friend of mine, who was apparently a pro at shoplifting.

When I was little I begged my mother to buy me a new box of Crayons, because mine were all broken. My mother told me no. So, when I went to the store with my mother, and while she was shopping, I took a new box of Crayons and put them in my pocket, and just walked out of the store. When we got home, I quickly replace all of the broken ones with the perfect new ones. Then I showed them to my mother and told her I had "fixed" all of my broken crayons. Of course she didn't believe me, even though I swore over and over that I had repaired my broken ones. Finally, after about 1/2 hour of interrogation I finally admitted to her that I had taken a knew box from the store.

Furious, my mother called the store and told the store manager than her daughter had stolen a box of Crayons from his store, and that she was bringing me back to the store, so I could return them to him. She told him that she wouldn't blame him, if he called the Police.

Anyway, she made me put the new Crayons back in their box, and took me right back to that store. I was sobbing and terrified. First of all, I didn't want to go to jail, and 2nd want to give up those beautiful new crayons.

My mother took me right into the store, and made me tell the manager that I had taken that box of crayons without paying, and I had to hand them back to him. He stood there very stern, and grumpy and told me that he had just called the Police, who were going to take me to jail. I looked at my mother for help, and she said, "No help from me. You did this, and you will have to pay for your crime".

Of course, he didn't call the police, and finally he told me I could go, but he said I was never allowed in his store again. Even though I was only 5 I never fogot ANY of that experience, and I was never even tempted to take anything again......Until...I was about 15 and started hanging around with a wild girl.

She shoplifted all of the time. It was a way of life for her. So, finally I joined in with her and took a bathing suit and some other clothes. I did it with her twice, and it just made me sick inside. After the 2nd time, I told her I just couldn't do it again. To this day, I cannot even think of stealing anything.

I wouldn't worry that you are a bad parent, nor would I worry that your daughter is heading down a wrong road. I think most kids have shoplifted, whether they admit it or not, and most people grow out of that phase quite quickly.

Its not your fault. A lot of times kids and teens will do stuff like that for the rush it gives them. Like a high. I think you handled it very well. She needs to know you are disappointed (IMO as a kid it was far worse to know I had let my parents down than to have things taken away from me) and that she has lost your trust. You have done the right thing. We don't think your a bad parent. Far from it. We know you care for your daughter because of how you have reacted to this. Good luck!

I think it's one of those that kids do to see what they can get away with and because their friends pressure them into it.

If she's a sweet kid, and does well at school, I daresay she was mortified at being caught, and is incredibly embarrassed and upset with the whole thing.

I daresay this will be enough of a scare to make sure she never does it again.

to you both!

Originally Posted by Sprocket

This is the first time she got caught. How can you be absolutely certain that this is the first time she shoplifted?

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You are right - I doubt it was the first time. But at least they weren't really good at it...

I agree with what everyone has said above. You can only provide grounds rules, teach them right from wrong, and hope that somewhere in their heads they will remember what you have ingrained into them. Sometimes kids just make poor decisions, BUT, that doesn't make them bad. Your daughter is a good student etc, she will learn from this and move on.
I shoplifted from a PX store when I was about 6 or 7, but totally by ACCIDENT! I had put a pack of cards in my pocket just to hold onto so I could ask my parents if I could get them. Well, they said no and I forgot they were in my pocket and out they went with me when we walked out! I have never stolen other than that. Nor do I ever want to. It doesn't give me any kind of thrill to do so.
Please let us know how things work out.

Don't feel horrible. She won't probably get much of a punishment in court if it ever gets that far, and since she's 14 it won't really affect her life anyway.

I never shoplifted, but it is somehow some sort of rebellious rite of passage (like how most people tried smoking a cigarette in middle or high school) and most people grow out of it pretty quickly. Especially if they get busted.

Hopefully it is the first time, and she got caught the first time, so she won't think she can get away with it. Either way, it's not really your fault, if she's old enough to be at the mall without a parent then she's old enough to make her own bad decisions.

As I don't have kids I can't offer much in the way of practical advice, but I was a teenager myself once - and while I was by no means a tearaway (and I very much doubt that your daughter is a tearaway either by your description of her), I did a few things that were in hindsight a bit stupid and irresponsible and maybe slightly the wrong side of the line. It's like there was a 'common sense' switch in my head that broke for a couple of years! I've turned out ok though, as do most teenagers who go through that phase (are there any that don't?) and I am sure your daughter will learn from this, and I am sure she will turn out ok too

It is definitely not your fault - in kids that age, peer pressure is of far more influence than we may be comfortable with.

I wouldn't worry about her being on a road to nowhere. This is her first time doing anything really wrong, and she's only 14. I think at that age just the shame of being prosecuted would be enough to steer me away from it.

Kids do stupid things, and I'm sure this was just one of them. It's no reflection on how you raised her. Sometimes a teens brain just overrides any common sense that they had in their upbringing and they do it for a thrill, maybe on the insistance of their peers...who knows. But I wouldn't worry about this

It's NOT your fault! Please don't beat yourself up at this. we all know you are a great parent. Hopefully she will never steal again.
the only thing I ever stole was nail polish from the dollar store because I was dared to but I gave the nail polish away since I felt so guilty. I later on told my mom and she wasn't very happy with me but atleast it wasn't something expensive!

Originally Posted by kluchetta

Yes, she was also going to take a trip to see a friend over spring break - no way that's gonna happen. Oh, and the Mall kicked her out for a YEAR!!! (yay) And she was with one other girl. Honestly - I never would have expected it out of those two. I think the peer pressure was to wear certain clothes - cause that's what she was taking.

Thanks for listening, guys, I'm just soooo depressed. Crap. I screwed up, ya know?

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You didn't screw up, you didn't shoplift, she did.

That doesn't make you a bad parent at all. You are being a great parent, I think she will learn her lesson. Just remember to stand behind her punishment.

One more thought

The fact that it does concern you after getting the phone does make you a great parent.

I've seen parents either care that it doesn't go on their perminant record so the courts are a-hem bought to get the child out of ANY punishment or they just don't really care and verbally abuse the kid of being a screw up.

So don't be harsh on yourself.

I hope that your daughter has learn't her lesson. She made the decision so how can you be a bad parent.

No matter how great a parent is, at that age kids are going to do something really bad. Any parent that thinks they have a kid that never did anything that bad or worse (12-16) either doesn't know about it yet or they are raising an alien child.

Shopplifting is on the good end of the variety of things they can do which includes drugs and worse. Don't beat yourself up over it or question your own parenting. You are lucky she was caught because that will give her a sense of consequence. A lot of kids do things because they think they will never get caught, and it gives them a thrill.

The one thing I can say is that the most effective power my mom had over me was when she cried. If she got angry, I got angry. But she didn't cry much, and when she did it sank guilt into me really hard.

Right now we are dealing with similar issues with my boyfriend's teenage sister. She's been caught doing 3 VERY bad things, one that sent her 24-year-old accomplice to jail. I really feel your pain. All those years of pride into a perfect child seem washed away when they do something like this. But it really isn't the case. Teenage years IMO are like Vegas: What happens there, stays there. It's very important that she has a good family support system through her teens. She could get better and she could get worse, but she will most likely grow out of it slowly.

This is also a good time to lay out the principal of trust. That can help both of you separate her punishment from her every day life. She needs to know that she broke your trust by doing this and that in order to get it back she has to build it back up again. So in addition to her punishment, she has to work with you regain trust. That is mostly for things like going out with friends and such. But you also need to give her the impression that she CAN rebuild the trust, and reward her with little bits of it. But in other things like doing her chores and making good grades give her a lot of praise when she does good without bringing up the incident. Only bring up the incident when it is in regards to her punishment and regaining your trust. Then you can stop mentioning it later on so she has a chance to put it behind her.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this right now. I can really relate. Let me know if you ever want to talk about it.