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A Sad Situation-Advice Maybe?

post #1 of 26
Thread Starter 
Well, I'm not sure what to do or if I need to do anything...

A 15 year old friend of my son and daughter (who are 15 and 14) was killed last night in a horrible pedestrian/car accident. My daughter is using peer support, and I think is handling it emotionally. But I'm not sure what to do about my son. This is the second friend he's lost, and the first one is what I think started his depression. I'm not really sure what to do for him. Just sort of be here? Gosh what a horrible week.
post #2 of 26
Oh that is so sad Maybe he will talk to a counselor at his school, they usually encourage that.
post #3 of 26
Yes, be there for him.Let him know that he can cry. Alot of men/boys don't think it is o.k. to show emotion.
Also, I would suggest maybe getting some of his friends/peers to be able to get together and talk about it.
post #4 of 26
I don't know what sort of relationship you have with your son, but I would definately suggest he see a counselor of some sort. Boys are less likely to seek help when they are having problems emotionally. If he doesn't want his friend to know that he's seeing a counselor so doesn't want to go to the one at school, perhaps you could offer to set up an appt. at the drs. office with a counselor & let him go speak to the counselor by himself?

That's awful that the poor boy was killed so young. My prayers go out to his family.
post #5 of 26
Thread Starter 
Well, he just came down from his room and asked to go to someone's house in the neighborhood where everyone is getting together. I'm glad. Kids need to be together at times like these.
post #6 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by kluchetta View Post
Well, he just came down from his room and asked to go to someone's house in the neighborhood where everyone is getting together. I'm glad. Kids need to be together at times like these.
Thats great that a bunch of them are able to get together to be together. Thats so much better than him sitting alone in his room
I agree with a school conselour- hopefully he will be able to talk to somewhere there Just be there for him, let him know its okay to cry- everyone does it, even tough guys

My prayers go out to their family, and yours
post #7 of 26
I would say that being with people his own age at his own request is a positive step. He might just need some space for a bit, not really in a depression yet.

for all of you, such a sad loss.
post #8 of 26
I would talk to him. (being a teenage boy he might not be too open but it never hurts to try) Let him know how much he means to you. If you think he has depression I would seek some kind of treatment. Maybe take him to a therapist. It can help alot to talk to someone you don't know because it can make you feel a little more open about things. I would NOT take it lightly. When I was 16, two people I knew commited suicide. He is not too young for thoughts like that. After I lost my friends I fell into a deep depression, started doing drugs and was in a really low time in my life. My mother got me help. It took about 1 and 1/2 years to start feeling "normal" but after getting help I realized that people cared about me...

WARNING SIGNS

* Abrupt changes in personality
* Giving away possessions
* Previous suicide attempt
* Use of drugs and/or alcohol
* Change in eating pattern - significant weight change
* Change in sleeping pattern - insomnia/oversleeping
* Unwillingness or inability to communicate
* Depression
* Extreme or extended boredom
* Accident prone (carelessness)
* Unusual sadness, discouragement and loneliness.
* Talk of wanting to die
* Neglect of academic work and/or personal appearance
* Family disruptions - divorce, trauma, losing loved one.
* Running away from home or truancy from school.
* Rebelliousness - reckless behavior.
* Withdrawal from people/activities they love.
* Confusion - Inability to concentrate
* Chronic Pain, Panic or Anxiety
* Perfectionism
* Restlessness

RISK FACTORS

* Problems with school or the law
* Breakup of a romance
* Unexpected pregnancy
* A stressful family life. (having parents
who are depressed or are substance
abusers, or a family history of suicide
* Loss of security...fear of authority, peers,
group or gang members
* Stress due to new situations; college
or relocating to a new community
* Failing in school or failing to pass
an important test
* A serious illness or injury to oneself
* Seriously injuring another person or
causing another person's death
(example: automobile accident)
* Major loss...of a loved one,
a home, divorce in the family,
a trauma, a relationship

Suicide is the third leading cause of death among young people ages 15 to 24. In 2001, 3,971 suicides were reported in this group.

One of the BIGGEST things to watch for is going from being depressed to suddenly VERY happy. This can be a sign that someone has made up there mind to commit suicide and is feeling less burdened knowing that the pain will soon be over.

I DONT MEAN TO WORRY YOU AND I'M SORRY IF I DO. I just know that I lost my friends to suicide because no one thought that they would actually do it. I dont want anyone else to lose their loved one because of it either!
post #9 of 26
Thread Starter 
That's quite all right, Shorty. I appreciate the lists and advice. Actually, fortunately, I guess, my son has been seeing a therapist for several months now. He had been on anti-depressants, but is now off of them. Which is probably good, but I'll definitely watch him. He does have a few of those risk factors, like last year he broke his femur. I think that was one of the things that really sent him into the depression. And losing his friend. And self-medicating, which he no longer does.

Oh gosh. What a week.
post #10 of 26
Ooooo!! That's terrible. Is his next appointment with the therapist soon? You may want to boost it up if it isn't.
post #11 of 26
Its REALLY good that he is honest with you about being depressed. It shows that he knows you care about him and want him to be ok. Its GREAT that you are so involved in his life. I know I hated my mom poking her nose in my my business when I was a teen but it is more than likely what saved my life.

It sounds like your doing a great job watching out for him! If only more parents where involved in their childrens lives...
post #12 of 26
Thread Starter 
Yeah, his appointment's Monday. So on Monday, at school, there will probably be counselors there, then right after school is his appointment. I called the doctor tonight & just left a message to let him know. Because it's all over the news, too, and that makes it all the more traumatic.

He's just real sensitive too. When he was in first grade, the Columbine tragedy happened, and his first grade teacher had kids at the school, and her daughter's best friend was one who was killed - and the teacher never came back to school, and I think that upset him a lot. A year after, when the anniversary was coming up, he showed a lot of stressed behavior.
post #13 of 26
I hate that it doesn't take much to send a kid(or adult) back into depression. My older sister is still struggling with depression. She had been doing well for 1 1/2 years until our dog died at 15 years of age...that was 5 years ago. Since then, she has been struggling with dealing with her depression. It's not right for a kid to have to deal with that sorta stuff....they should get to be kids & enjoy themselves!
post #14 of 26
What a horrible tragedy. The fact that he is in therapy already is a help because he does have an outlet and I know you will be there for him.
post #15 of 26
i'm so sorry, definitely encourage healthy friendships and seeking help
post #16 of 26
What a terrible thing to have to go through at that age. Just make sure that he knows your there for him, and watch for any of the warning signs.
post #17 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by kluchetta View Post
Well, I'm not sure what to do or if I need to do anything...

A 15 year old friend of my son and daughter (who are 15 and 14) was killed last night in a horrible pedestrian/car accident. My daughter is using peer support, and I think is handling it emotionally. But I'm not sure what to do about my son. This is the second friend he's lost, and the first one is what I think started his depression. I'm not really sure what to do for him. Just sort of be here? Gosh what a horrible week.
I'm sorry

I would strongly suggest taking your son to a counsellor so that he can get some counselling to deal with his grief in a proper manner instead of bottling it up inside.

It might be necessary to have him put on anti-depressants for a period of time if his depression is only situational, meaning brought on by a circumstance and not an actual chemical imbalance in his brain that requires forever type treatment.
post #18 of 26
Kim, I am so sorry he is having to deal with this tragedy on top of other problems. He sounds like he has had a rough time. I have no real advice, but wanted you to know I am thinking of you. You are a very caring Mom and he obviously knows that. How is your daughter dealing with it?
post #19 of 26
Oh my, your son, daughter AND you are certainly going through it From what you have mentioned thing are looking positive, your sons meeting with his friends, your daughter has support and the school with know & have the right mechanisms in place.
You are right about "being there" I am a great believer in trying to keep a normal routine when tradegy hits, normal everyday things are the anchor that takes us through the days and hopefully keeps things on a even keel.

Take care and, well, you know theres always TCS if you need anything at all !
post #20 of 26
I have no advice that hasn't already been shared.

I just want to say that your family, and the friend's family and other friends are in my thoughts and prayers.
post #21 of 26
I'm so sorry for your son and daughter.

I would definitely talk to him about it. It doesn't have to be a major discussion, I found the best way to start these kinds of conversations with my kids when they were teenagers was just as a kind of "by the way" thing. So, whilst I was doing something else like cleaning a room or something and they were there, I would just say something like "it must be really hard losing xxxx like that - how are you doing with that?"

I know that each child is different and it depends on the relationship you have with them, but mine tended to open up more if I didn't make a big fuss out of the "chat".

Big hugs to you and your son and daughter as well. It's hard on the kids and it's hard on the parents too, watching their children deal with something like this.
post #22 of 26
This is coming from someone who had childhood depression. Have you thought about getting him into art therapy? I can remember my first instance of depression was right after I started my period, and I didn't have the vocabulary to describe how I felt. Something wasn't right, but I couldn't tell my parents. They didn't find out until they saw some of my art projects that they started to question how I was feeling. It could be very helpful.
post #23 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by neetanddave View Post
I would say that being with people his own age at his own request is a positive step. He might just need some space for a bit, not really in a depression yet.

for all of you, such a sad loss.
Sometimes that is all that kids need, just to be around friends and talk about good times.

I am sending prayers from Mississippi for everyone involved.
post #24 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalie_ca View Post
I'm sorry

I would strongly suggest taking your son to a counsellor so that he can get some counselling to deal with his grief in a proper manner instead of bottling it up inside.

It might be necessary to have him put on anti-depressants for a period of time if his depression is only situational, meaning brought on by a circumstance and not an actual chemical imbalance in his brain that requires forever type treatment.
I agree with Linda. Counselling certainly wouldn't hurt, and this may affect him in the long term if he doesn't have the proper safe outlet to let out his emotions. Lets be honest, teens don't generally like sharing with their parents right? I know I didn't.

I am sorry about this, how awful for that friend of theirs and the family. I hope your kids are okay Sending prayers.
post #25 of 26
Thread Starter 
Aw thanks for the well wishes, vibes & advice! My son has an ongoing appointment on Mondays with a therapist, so that's in place. He was with friends for quite some time tonight, and there were both girls and boys there which I think is good because I think the girls can verbalize better, and even if the boys can't verbalize it, they can say, "yeah. That's what I feel too." Oh. He's also a musician, so I'll send him down to the drumset or the piano - see if he wants to do that. (I used to play the BEST piano after I had a fight with my dad!)

My daughter was with another friend, and they took it harder initially but I think their crying for "three hours" as she said probably helped a lot. They're putting up MySpace memorials and such, so that's probably healthy.

Thanks again, everyone, the poor parents - keep them in your prayers.
post #26 of 26
How terrible *sending lots of vibes to your family*

I remember when one of my friends passed away when i was 10, it was devestating for me, i was so attached to him! I didnt get councelling, but somehow i got used to the fact that i would never see him again.

He died because his dog bit his neck and ate his ear. He was playing with the dog, and it just went agressive, he layed in the backyard, his mother is deaf and she couldnt hear him scream. I dont know what else happened but it was all over the newspapers in Australia, i cut his picture out, he was on the front page and framed it.

In April it will be 10 years that he is gone, I do think about him still, I wonder what he would have turned out to be like.
I dont have his picture anymore, my mother was really drunk one night and decided to take the picture out and burn it, she broke the frame and threw it away. I really dont know why she did that, although i dont have his pictures anymore he is still in my head and sharing the good times.

I am glad youre there for your children, the pain is hard but with time everything heals
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