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Need to vent...

post #1 of 33
Thread Starter 
I'm having a really bad day. I'm really stressed out about money, especially since hubby doesn't have a job, and doesn't seem too concerned about getting one. We've been 30 days late on his cell phone bill for about 6 months or more, and as long as we pay at least one month they were OK with it. But I got a notice yesterday that if they don't receive payment in full they will shut it off. I'm putting off bills as it is right now, medical, our old internet service, our wedding album. Pretty sad, we have been married going on 2 years and I still haven't seen the album - we can't afford to pay them. None of this seems to bother him at all. He says it does, he says he's "stressed" about the money, but his actions say otherwise. We even moved to a cheaper apartment to try to get the finances back on track, but it isn't working out that way. I'm still over my head in debt, only now there is almost no income from him. He's sold some of his collectibles on Ebay, which will help for this month, but not next month. He gets mad at me for stressing about bills a month from now, too. Planning ahead apparently isn't an option for him.

I hate that I am working 9 hours a day, have to keep the house up because he's too lazy to do any of it, he won't get a job, and yet I'm supposed to figure out how to make ends meet. He actually gets mad at ME for asking if he has looked for a job! I should have known better before I married him. Of the 7 years we have been together, he has had a job maybe 3 of those years total. Of course, one of those years he didn't have a job was because of a car accident (he was mad at me, threw a temper tantrum and tried to speed off from me, but rammed into a telephone pole), so at least he did get wage loss from the insurance company. I have supported him since we met, I had to declare bankruptcy because of the huge amounts of money we spent on the credit cards, and there is still no end in sight. I can't do this much longer, financially or emotionally.

Thanks for listening. I really needed to get this off my chest.
post #2 of 33
I really don't have anything useful to say to you, I've never been in that situation. But it sounds like you've had enough! I'm so sorry its so difficult for you.

Sounds to me like hubby needs a job and needs to contribute more. If you keep falling behind on bills that can only lead to one thing in the end...bankruptcy which is not a good thing. Is it possible for him to at least work part time so he can contribute some cash to the house? What about trying to lower your bills by cutting out unnecessary things like cable/satellite, cell phone, gym memberships, etc etc. I know when we have been tight on cash in the past we've done this and you can drop a couple of hundred dollars in bills just by getting rid of some luxuries. Its so hard when money is tight, sometimes it seems darn near impossible I think.

Sorry I am not of much help, but I hope it works out for you.
post #3 of 33
Stay strong Sweetie......

I can't say anything I'm sure you haven't heard..... You need to do what makes YOU feel good!!

post #4 of 33
Devil's Advocate here. Has your husband lost his confidence in his abilities to get a job? I was out of work for about 6 months earlier this year, and I thought I would never ever be employed again - after the first ten rejection letters I was worthless, unemployable, a loser, so there was no point in trying anymore. The longer it went, the worse it got to actually bother to apply - as they were just going to reject me... I'm temping at the moment, which I didn't want to do, but my confidence has increased so much that I felt no pain when I received my latest "no thanks" letter on Monday.

Having no money is horrible, I do feel for you.
post #5 of 33
Hang in there, mate. I'm thinking of you.
post #6 of 33
Thread Starter 
Daniela, you got it right there! He does need to get a job, I just don't know how to get that through to him. I already went through bankruptcy, so that isn't even an option at this point. My bills right now aren't ones that could be discharged anyway. The next option is to cut out a lot of stuff, but even that is difficult because we've had to sign agreements with most of the optional stuff, 1 year agreements for the cell phone and satellite, that I would have to pay hundreds of dollars to drop. They getcha where it hurts.

Paula, you are also correct that he does have some self esteem issues. I guess I'm just tired of all his excuses. When I met him it was his childhood, then the self esteem thing, now it's mainly his back (it's been 2 years since the accident). I had some serious depression issues when I lost my job last year, but I worked my rear end off to get a job. I just don't understand how he seems to have no work ethic at all. It would really bother me to have someone completely support me for all those years, but that obviously isn't a problem for him.

Thank you everyone for your support. It really means a lot to me.
post #7 of 33
I feel sorry for you both. I know it must be really frustrating.

I have no tips on how to get thru to him, perhaps therapy or a psychiatrist?? I don't know it he'd go to one, but I know people who swear by therapy. Might be worth a shot, and your insurance may even cover it.
post #8 of 33
This little image made me think of you Daniela:

Print it out... and stand next to your husband!
post #9 of 33
I'd PM this, but it's way too long. Sorry everyone, for making you suffer through this, but I really hope it might help. You're all getting to know me, and I'm always too long!

Heidi, I don't have advice for you. I can share my story. I can TOTALLY relate to what you're going through right now. It is not a happy story. Well - it wasn't at the time. It was seven years of he!!. Looking back, actually, I thank God for that now, because I am now married to husband number two, who I think is the most incredible, smartest, most interesting, most wonderful person I've ever met. If I didn't want to work, he would work five jobs to support me. With husband number one, I could've gone to debtor's prison and he wouldn't have helped.

I'm sure you know this, that whatever happens from here is entirely up to you. If you two love each other, you will address this and work your way through it. But this situation is not fair to you. Some day you will reach a breaking point, and whether you're miserable for another month or another three years is up to you. In addressing it, you have two choices. 1) Directly - not telling him you're stressed, but telling him you're sick of supporting him, and you don't appreciate his attitude about it. There may be a reason for his not working, but his snide attitude is not helping anyone and is damaging your relationship. This conversation can be done with love and without anger if you "prepare yourself. But on the fly when he's picking up an envelope from you at work is not the time or place. 2) Or you can seek counseling together. Sometimes it helps to have a third party help "interpret" for each of you. Sometimes the anger has built up too much that you can't find the love through it.

You know you cannot continue like this. That's why you posted. Believe me, I've been there. How long you will suffer, again, is up to you. It took me from 1986 to 1993.

I was in college. I went to an alternative Quaker College where you had to study overseas. I spent my third year in India. I met my future first husband there (let's refer to him as FH going forward). He was a volunteer at a grass roots economic development organization. (We met in 1984). We fell in love, I guess. We got engaged, I came back to the States (1985). The plan was for me to finish my fourth year of college, graduate, and move back to India. We missed each other too much. He came here. In order to have our own apartment and not live with my parents, I worked full time and transferred to a college that had actual classes. I also attended school full time. !!!! I used to have to count pennies to take the bus to work on payday. His visa was running out. We got married (1986).

FH was the son of a diplomat with a 152 IQ. He spent most of his life growing up in France and had traveled Europe and North Africa. He read, wrote and spoke four languages fluently. You'd think he could get some kind of job. O.K. Let's write the first year off as culture shock. We went on lots of interviews and constantly reworked the resume. Then I suggested college, because this was ridiculous. So once I'd graduated, I paid to put him through school. Summers spent working? How about in India (by himself) visiting family or whatever. Fine by me, he was out of my hair. Then I could work 12 - 14 hour days without having to worry about his dinner.

When he was finally graduated (after three years; our college gave "Life Experience" credits), I'd moved from Chicago to New York. You'd think someone like that could find a job in the greater NY metropolitan area. Well, he did. In a wine store, selling wine! It was a part time job that only turned him into an alcoholic. Don't get me wrong, he was actually a wonderful person. Funny, smart, engaging, gorgeous - but lazy. After a very short time, I couldn't stand hanging out with his wine drinking crowd. I started doing things on my own. And we were so underwater debt-wise (two college educations, lots of overseas travel for him, living in NY, etc.) I would wake up with night sweats. I was terrified. He could have cared less, and it just wasn't something we could talk about. I don't know why, looking back on it. I just know I would constantly bring it up, and nothing would come of it. Oh, he felt bad and all. Every once in a while there was some move to look for a different job, but I think by then it was too late. He was married to alcohol (wine) by then. (Another expensive habit, by the way).

Finally, it took me threatening divorce to get him to go to a marriage counselor. The counselor told us we had grown so far apart that she couldn't work with us as a couple, and wanted to see us separately for a few months first! LOL! Well, he didn't have the patience for that. I moved out. THAT'S when he freaked out. But it was too late. I had too much anger I just couldn't get over. I'd been working 12 - 14 hour days, six days a week for years now. I had no life, no friends, nothing. THANK GOD I was on "Wall Street," and got a $75,000 bonus that year. It didn't allow me to pay off all of our debts, but it did allow me to get divorced and to avoid declaring bankruptcy. You know what the final irony was? I had to assume almost all the debts because I'd paid off both of our college debts with the money. His college bill was about the only thing of substance he would have wound up with. And I had to pay alimony for a set amount of time (not until he remarried, thank God) because I had set a standard of life expectation for him. What do you think of that?

I felt an empty hole when I left him, and I missed him. As little as we had left in our relationship, it was all I had back then. But I stuck to my guns. Thank God I did. I never would have found true happiness otherwise.

I am NOT recommending divorce! I am asking you to think about what this current situation is doing to you. About what you need. While he may have a confidence problem, you're probably in the process of getting one. The hardest thing about my divorce was admitting that I was wrong about FH. I couldn't trust my judgment. MY confidence was shaken.

If there is love there, you CAN work this out. If you can't work it out, then maybe you need to consider doing something for Heidi. No one wins the way things are right now.

And oh, BTW. My leaving FH was the kick in the butt he needed. Several years later, he was no longer an alcoholic, had a fabulous job at a tech magazine, and was moving up through the ranks quickly. Maybe I'd enjoy being married to that guy. Who knows? I never had that chance. Life is like that sometimes.

I hope you can learn something from all this. What it is, I'm not sure. Listen to your heart. And while being sensitive to his needs, don't forget about yours. Venting is a start! But it is just a start, remember that.

Sending lots of love and lots of hugs. You need them right now.

post #10 of 33
Thread Starter 
Fortunately, I think my breakdown today has finally gotten through, at least for now. Unfortunately, this is what happens every time he is without a job (which is way too often) - he waits until it is a do or die situation and then does something. I hope this works like every other time, and when he absolutely HAS to get a job, something falls in his lap.

He has been to counceling before for other issues (really bad childhood), and I know he would be willing to go back. Problem is that my company's insurance is horribly expensive for spouses/dependents - around $400 per month for one additional person. So he isn't covered by any insurance at present.

Seems there is always an obstacle.

Thanks for the giggle, Lizza. I really needed that today.
post #11 of 33
Heidi, sorry for the long post that has nothing to do directly with you. I feel kind of weird about it now.

Just please make sure you take care of Heidi along the way, O.K.?

post #12 of 33
Thread Starter 
Laurie, we must have been writing at the same time.

Your story sounds incredibly like my life right now. One of the problems that we have is that he sees this as a money problem (which there obviously is that), I see it as a principles problem. He doesn't seem to have a problem with me supporting him completely, which I do have a problem with. I don't mean that I want him to support me, I don't mind being the primary breadwinner but I want real help from him. I also feel like he doesn't respect me enough to help. I don't think that's what is really going on, but that is what it feels like. (I know, I know. I need to tell him this stuff, not just say it here. Honestly I've tried, he denies he's doing any of it and turns the table back on me with "how can you think this of me?")

I really want to get counceling, but with the money situation right now, there is no way I can afford it. There are many underlying issues that I just can't really talk to him about without him flying off the handle at me, or going into one of his depression fits and laying total guilt trips on me. I just can't handle that right now. Then again, maybe I am just still in denial about how bad our situation really is.

Thank you for sharing that with me Laurie. It is going to give me better perspective on my situation.
post #13 of 33
Heidi, Have you called your local Mental Health agency? They might be able to offer low-cost counseling. It's worth a try. Or maybe there are support groups somewhere (other than this board ) to help you cope.

I am currently the primary breadwinner, but only because my S/O is in school. It is still hard to have to stretch the money, and the is with his part time job, and the extra student loan funds.

I hope your hubby gets a job to help you, and reduce your stress level. I would tell him how it is, and don't let him turn it back on you.
post #14 of 33
Thread Starter 
That's a good idea Brenda, I will have to check it out. I'm not holding my breath, though. We tried to find him reasonable dental care a little while ago, and unless you have kids and are homeless, or clinicly insane (or perhaps living in the city and county of Denver, which I don't) the county doesn't feel any need to help. The big thing that would probably count against him/us is that we don't have kids. I'm a bit jaded with the whole of government programs, if you can't tell. I don't see why I can't ever get a break for ANYTHING just because I choose not to procreate, even if I would otherwise qualify. But that's a whole other thread...
post #15 of 33
Heidi...I am so sorry to hear that you are going through all of these problems. I understand about the debt thing. I was in serious debt a few years ago...mostly because my boyfriend had terrible credit so everything we bought was in my name...and when we split up...it all STAYED with ME!

I have been working hard to pay off as much of the crap as I can the past few years. The worst part was that I couldn't afford to stay in my house after all that so I had to put it up for sale...which absolutely broke my heart.

I don't really know what advice to offer to you except...think about your future and whether you see yourself achieving your goals with this man. Two years is a long time and from what you say, it doesn't seem to bother him at all that you are footing the bill for everything. Maybe you could have a talk with him and let him know how you feel about the situation and that if things don't change...then you will need to do whatever it takes to take care of yourself...without further jeopardizing your future or getting more in debt.

I know it is a hard place to be in...because I've been there. Be strong my friend and if you need to talk to someone...send me a PM and I'll give you my number. I feel so bad for you and I would like to help if I can.
post #16 of 33
Heidi, I am just reading this now. I hope you are feeling better by now. And, you did get so much good advice here.

There is not much I can add to this but to say: God does not hand us anything we cannot handle. Being the only bread winner must be a very stressful thing for you. And having financial difficulties can become very overwhelming.

I think, perhaps if you both sat down and talked maybe it would help. Not necessarily sitting down and placing blame anywhere. No finger pointing. Just saying "This is what needs to be done. Period. No if's ands or but's. Maybe it will sink into him. Hopefully. Sometimes when a person feels like all problems are caused by them, they choose to run away from them instead of trying to find a solution. Maybe, deep down, he does feel bad about this? Who knows? But, if the truth is that he doesn't really care about the situation you are both in and he is ignoring how this is tearing you up, then, maybe the best thing for you is to make the decision for him. Whichever that may be. One thing for sure: you do have to take care of yourself.

Hang in there!

post #17 of 33
Heidi, maybe its time for some "toughlove". Let HIS cellphone get cut off. Do what you have to, to keep your basics covered: food,shelter, car insurance. Let the extras go: cable TV, booze (if you indulge), etc.

As long as someone is around to cover this guy's a&& and bail him out, he'll never grow up.

I don't care to hear about "bad childhood issues". I've got stories that will curl your hair, but this isn't the place. Besides, I let go of all of that stuff a LOOOONG time ago.

Perhaps, you need to step back and take a look at this situation and what its doing to you. Sometimes, all you can do is cut your losses and bail.

Good luck.
post #18 of 33

I just read all the way through this, and I am absolutely feeling sick for you. Being the stark realist that I usually am, I am worried about whether your marriage can survive much more of this strain. It may be time to take some action to cover yourself. If your husband doesn't step up to the plate and face what's really going on, you are going to end up resenting him more than is repairable. If you already have 1 bankruptcy, you know that you are really in a bad place right now. It's about time that you DEMAND that he get some type of job and help to fix a situation that he has helped to create. I don't mean to sound like a b--ch, but it makes me angry to see you have to deal with this day in and day out. Maybe it's time to start thinking of YOU!

P.S. to Ghys....Not sure I agree. Sometimes God gives us more than we can handle....
post #19 of 33
Amen to that, Deb!
post #20 of 33
I just read this because I haven't been able to get online since early this morning, I have been busy with Amber all day and went out for our Ann. supper tonight, so this is the first time I saw this thread.
I agree with Deb25, it's time to demand that he get off his butt and get a job. It would be different if you could afford to get by on one income, then that wouldn't be so bad as long as he was selling some of his stuff on e-bay here and there to help out some, but since you obviously can't afford for him to not have a job, I say it's time to get really pushy about it. That's what I would do...and just to really drive my point home, I would start serving nothing but hotdogs and bologna EVERY SINGLE NIGHT for supper!!!! And when he complains....which if he is like my husband would be right away...then you tell him, "Sorry babe, this is all we can afford, gotta cut corners since you're not working." and don't back down....keep serving it every night. (you can make up for your meal at lunch on your lunchbreak so you will be getting something decent to eat, but don't tell him that) Oh and threaten him with dropping the internet bill....that'll get him off his butt!!! Of course hope you really don't have to do that, because then you wouldn't be here (unless you can come here from work) but just threaten him with it...tell him it's gonna have to go if he stays jobless. If I remember right you have said he loves his internet. So that's a good motivator.
If you are giving him any kind of spending money, like for beer, cigarettes, or ANYTHING....stop. Tell him you just don't have it.
And this is really mean, but the next time he wants to get "cozy" so to speak, tell him you are just too stressed out from worrying about money to be in the mood.
I realize these things are not going to help your marriage any...BUT...neither is him not having a job.
It is worth a try anyway....get tough with him! It really irks me that even though he isn't working he won't even keep the house clean for you or help out at all with chores. His free ride has got to stop.
Otherwise, you are going to make yourself physically ill from the stress, and it just isn't fair to you.

I hope I don't sound really heartless, but I am just trying to think of some ways you can motivate him into getting a job. I hope this helps.
post #21 of 33
All the advice given is good, read all of it, maybe print it out and make notes.

Here are a few comments from me, a male.

A few years ago, I was out of work and most of the bills were being paid by my fiancee. I felt bad about that, so I got a temp job to help. I felt better about myself, and felt a little less dependant with part of the money coming to the household, being supplied by me. I had my resume with several recruiters, and I went on it seems like 20 interviews. The job I have now was from one of those interviews. The salary and some help from family, have helped me get my bills in check. I worked long and hard getting my credit controlled.

Enough about me, here is my opinion on your situation.

You may need to sit down with your husband, and go over your thoughts and his. You need to set a deadline, that by a certain date (perhaps 2 months, don't go over 4 months), either he will have a job to help fiancially, or you will begin steps to cut your losses. He doesn't need to know what exactly "cut your losses" means, but it may get him thinking his free ride is coming to an end. If that deadline comes and goes, I think you need to talk with anyone you can about the steps for getting a seperation. I would hate it if comes to that stage, but the main person you need to take care of, is you.

I hope everything works out. You know this board is full of people that will listen, and I am sure you have many phone numbers from people here who you can call just to talk.

The most important person to you should be you.
post #22 of 33
That is very good advice Fuzzy! I think maybe my advice was a little overboard...it is good to get a male's point of view. Heidi, if you want to talk I can PM my number, but I don't want to add a long distance call to your bills either, but if you need me, I am here.
post #23 of 33
Deb. My comment "God does not hand us more than we can handle" was meant to try to send some strength to Heidi. I still believe this is true. Whenever we feel life is hopeless, somehow, we find strength to carry on. There is definately a solution to this problem no matter how awful it sounds. The easiest way out is to place blame (which he rightly deserves). The hardest is to try to work it out.

In this situation, Heidi, I think you need to dig deep and make some decisions and know that whatever you choose to do, you are doing it for you. You are not his "mommy". You are his wife. There is a big difference. I don't believe he is grasping this.

You need a fresh start. Alone, or together...

And, no....I would not put up with it either. If my husband put us in such financial difficulties, I would definately do something about it. Alone, or together.
post #24 of 33
Thread Starter 
Thank you, everyone, for your concern and advice. Even those who think they sound harsh are just re-affirming what I have been thinking (Cindy, Deb, Debby, Fuzzy ).

We had a long talk last night. Surprisingly (to me anyway), it didn't end up a screaming match or blame game. I was right, though, he thought the whole thing was about money, and actually said "You worrying about the money all the time is ruining our marriage." So I tried to explain all the other things I have been feeling, the resentment, lack of respect, overwhemed by having to be the only one responsible for everything. Actually I said a lot of the things I had posted here, so it was good to be able to get my thoughts straightened out here so I had some good phrases to use on him. I even told him straight out that I was getting to the point of just giving up on the whole thing, and that I wasn't getting anything out of this situation and relationship right now. I think his selective hearing blocked a lot of that part out, but maybe not. He even admitted that he hadn't really been looking for a job because he was afraid to mess up his back again. I just told him that there are plenty of jobs out there that don't include heavy lifting, it's not like he was a construction worker. He's really hoping for a job that he actually did turn in an application for, at a cigarette store. At least he knows that there wouldn't be heavy lifting there. He said that he is going to be putting out applications to other places, too, as well as following up with a friend of ours who keeps telling him about HVAC related jobs.

So, I guess we'll see what comes of that. I was pretty proud of myself, though. I didn't back down, I didn't take his excuses, and I didn't even turn into an emotional wreck. I guess if reasoning doesn't work, then demands and threats are the next step. I really hope it doesn't come to that.

Thank you all again. It is so nice to have a place where we can talk about even our worst issues and get such good advice and encouragement. Thanks, also, to those who have offered to talk personally. Right now I don't have long distance, and am still fighting with the phone company for it (perhaps it's a blessing in disguise, though. At least I don't have to worry about that bill. )
post #25 of 33
I am glad things seem to be turning around some. I am glad your husband is making the effort to find work, and most likely save the marriage (and your sanity). All the fingers, paws, and claws here are crossed that it will work out.
post #26 of 33
Heidi, sounds like maybe your talk did some good! I hope! Just keep on him and don't let him slide out of it...maybe he will get a job soon!!!! I will be sending up good thoughts! I reread my post from last night and couldn't help thinking I was being a bit b*tchy but it was late at night...hotdogs and bologna for supper every night...sheesh what was I thinking? LOL
post #27 of 33
Thread Starter 
I'm fairly sure it got through, at least for now. I've been down this road before, though, and that's part of why my frustration got this bad. He apparently seems to think that taking a couple months off in between not very good jobs is OK. It usually takes me going ballistic and mental for him to get off his heiney and do something. I'm really hoping that our friend can get something for Earl in HVAC or HVAC Controls because then it would be an actual career (with training and benefits even!), instead of just another job.

I'll let you guys know what happens.

Debby, I actually did have a modified talk on the phone with him about the food thing. Although I didn't say we would have bologna and hot dogs every night, it was pretty close (mac-n-cheese and rice ). LOL

Ghys, I appreciate the sentiment, and in general I agree. I will get through this and whatever else comes along. It may not be pretty, and it may mean some tough choices, but I'll make it. My Daddy raised me to be nothing if not a survivor!
post #28 of 33
Heidi, I do hope everything turns out well. I am glad you had a chance to really talk. Coming from someone who has just gone through a rough spell (last week....) I wish you nothing but good, positive times ahead. And I'll also cross my fingers that hubby has come to realise that putting you through all of this is not healthy for either one of you.

Stay strong and stay positive!
post #29 of 33
YEAH HEIDI!!! You GO Girl! Writing was the first step. It DOES help get your thinking straightened out. Talking to Hubby and starting to make inroads that MONEY isn't so much the issue is a GREAT next step.

Getting your thinking straight is almost always the hardest part. When things aren't "all right" in our worlds, opening up that can of worms, and finding all that ugly junk we've beein carrying around with us is often the hardest part. Then you have to clean it all off (get rid of the anger) before you can start to act on it in any kind of constructive way. You've taken all those steps inside of a few days instead of months or years! Like I said before, you GO girl!!!! :tounge2:

If my experiences are at all relevent here, there'll probably be a few setbacks and rough spots along the way. Just remember, all of us are here, whenever you need us.

Sending hugs,

post #30 of 33
...glad to hear you had a talk with him and that, at least, he is attempting to get a job. That is a start...but make sure you stick to your guns!

Don't let him apply for one job and if he doesn't get it...just give up and say oh well. Make him KEEP applying until he gets one.

Stay strong hon...you'll get through this.

Oh, and if you DO want to talk...send me your number and I'll call you.
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