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post #1 of 25
Thread Starter 
Does anyone ever feel overwhelmed? I have been alot lately, And now I am feeling Defeated
post #2 of 25
I'm there with you...for me its the whole "almost end of semester projects and exams are due" added with Christmas shopping, a birthday for dad coming up and now B is sick.

I just have knots in my stomach from stress. I have a day off coming up this Friday and then I'm taking a whole week off for final exams and recovery!

Now...if I can just make it between now and then...
post #3 of 25
Yes. This time of the year always makes me feel that way. And now on top of the normal crap this year Lee doesn't have a real job and money is so tighted we are hardly sqeaking by. I stress about bills constantly. I can't wait till this is over!!
post #4 of 25
Thread Starter 
The defeated part is what I hate the most, it's like so finial, Kinda seems like nothing you say or do is anywhere close to right. I hate trying to make a decision that I know that I am not going to be happy about myself.
post #5 of 25
I've felt this way for a long time now. Sounds like you need a vacation.
I am almost done with mine( first one in a long time) and I dread going back to work. I've enjoyed the whole week of not being stressed, angry, upset, over worked etc.

I hope you get some time off to relax and deal with your thoughts of defeat.
Hugs and healing vibes for you from me!!!!
post #6 of 25
Happiness vibes going out to all of you.


(Plus a little advice - if those feelings are persistant - please talk to your doctor).
post #7 of 25
Thread Starter 
This is over something that has been going on between my daughters who are grown people not kids. The holidays are full of I'm not coming if she's coming and so on. I don't think they are being fair to me Holidays are something I have done for over 30 years I have had to have 2 seperate Thansgivings and Christmas's the last 3 or 4 years, I'm tried of doing that.
Now the debate is I can choose to be hateful and be a spoiled brat that wants it my way or no way, I can tell everyone I am having it and your welcome if you want to come ( I already know what will happen) Or I can choose to not have it at all and feel cheated so to speak.
What would you all do ? There are so many hard feelings because of things that were done between my girls, I am not asking them to change the way they feel, But I think they want me to feel they way they do and no matter what my oldest is still my daughter I don't like what she has done, but I can hardely throw my hands up and say I'm done No one wants to give up on there kids.
This is so hard for me knowing what it will be even if I have it, My youngest is so very hard to try and explain anything to, it's about being support to all of them not giving up. I am jsut between a rock and a hard place I think...
Sorry it's so long I had to get it off my mind, witch I didnt anyway I've been crying every darn day My Heart is hurting, Someday I won't be around to do this, I want to tell them It's a good thing you don't have more then 1 mother to choose from. I don't think either choice is a good one really
post #8 of 25
Aww Lois, we talked about this last night and I'm so sorry your hurting my friend...........family isn't always what we want it to be, and neither are families...............
post #9 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by halfpint View Post
This is over something that has been going on between my daughters who are grown people not kids. The holidays are full of I'm not coming if she's coming and so on. I don't think they are being fair to me Holidays are something I have done for over 30 years I have had to have 2 seperate Thansgivings and Christmas's the last 3 or 4 years, I'm tried of doing that.
Now the debate is I can choose to be hateful and be a spoiled brat that wants it my way or no way, I can tell everyone I am having it and your welcome if you want to come ( I already know what will happen) Or I can choose to not have it at all and feel cheated so to speak.
What would you all do ? There are so many hard feelings because of things that were done between my girls, I am not asking them to change the way they feel, But I think they want me to feel they way they do and no matter what my oldest is still my daughter I don't like what she has done, but I can hardely throw my hands up and say I'm done No one wants to give up on there kids.
This is so hard for me knowing what it will be even if I have it, My youngest is so very hard to try and explain anything to, it's about being support to all of them not giving up. I am jsut between a rock and a hard place I think...
Sorry it's so long I had to get it off my mind, witch I didnt anyway I've been crying every darn day My Heart is hurting, Someday I won't be around to do this, I want to tell them It's a good thing you don't have more then 1 mother to choose from. I don't think either choice is a good one really
family feuds can be really hard. I would call them and tell them that you can't take it anymore. Having to of every occacsion that should be one is ripping you apart. They are grown and can be nice to eachother and come to your home at the same time and fight every other time of year. THe holidays are for family and they need to put aside their greivances with eachother for families sake.
post #10 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by halfpint View Post
This is over something that has been going on between my daughters who are grown people not kids. The holidays are full of I'm not coming if she's coming and so on. I don't think they are being fair to me Holidays are something I have done for over 30 years I have had to have 2 seperate Thansgivings and Christmas's the last 3 or 4 years, I'm tried of doing that.
Now the debate is I can choose to be hateful and be a spoiled brat that wants it my way or no way, I can tell everyone I am having it and your welcome if you want to come ( I already know what will happen) Or I can choose to not have it at all and feel cheated so to speak.
What would you all do ? There are so many hard feelings because of things that were done between my girls, I am not asking them to change the way they feel, But I think they want me to feel they way they do and no matter what my oldest is still my daughter I don't like what she has done, but I can hardely throw my hands up and say I'm done No one wants to give up on there kids.
This is so hard for me knowing what it will be even if I have it, My youngest is so very hard to try and explain anything to, it's about being support to all of them not giving up. I am jsut between a rock and a hard place I think...
Sorry it's so long I had to get it off my mind, witch I didnt anyway I've been crying every darn day My Heart is hurting, Someday I won't be around to do this, I want to tell them It's a good thing you don't have more then 1 mother to choose from. I don't think either choice is a good one really
Look, whatever happened, it's clear that you don't want to 'pick sides'.

If you were to look at the situation objectively, is there a clear victim and a clear bad-guy? If so, it's probably best not to ignore that - you can acknowlege the victim (if you haven't already) but explain that you're still the only mother the 'bad-guy' will get, and that you refuse to ostasise your own children. The acknowledgement may (or may not) help the victim feel like what happened isn't being ignored.

On the other hand, if they are both to some degree guilty and to some degree victims, it's actually harder, I think, because you have a situation were both have a vested interest in appearing hard done by.

I imagine you've tried everything by now, so I would suggest leaving an open invitation to both of them and doing a (i.e. 1) holiday that will please you. They may or may not come, but they won't be encouraged to heal what's between them if they think they can use it to vie for attention and affection with you - possibly the best think you can do is appear to be unaffected by it, rather than hurt. It will have less currancy for them.
post #11 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by halfpint View Post
Now the debate is I can choose to be hateful and be a spoiled brat that wants it my way or no way, I can tell everyone I am having it and your welcome if you want to come ( I already know what will happen) Or I can choose to not have it at all and feel cheated so to speak.
What would you all do ?
Forgive me for saying so, but you're the mother, and I don't think you'd be a hateful or spoiled brat for deciding -- after acquiesing and doing two of everything for years now -- that you need a break and want to do things your way. One Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner is a lot of work, never mind doing two of them! I say do the one dinner, invite both daughters (but make them both aware they've both been invited, or else they'll feel like you're trying to trick them and be resentful of that), and invite anyone else you want to have there on that special day. If your daughters decide not to go, at least you'll have other people you love to spend the day with, and you'll have at least extended the olive branch to both of them. If you make too much food because not as many people show up as you had planned, then you'll have yummy leftovers to keep your tummy happy for a few days; if the sight of all those leftovers makes you unhappy, see if there's a charity soup kitchen that will accept them and know that you've made some strangers' Christmases, too.

If not having the dinners at all would make you feel cheated, then the only person you're punishing by doing so would be yourself. You can't please everyone, but you can take steps to ensure you're doing your best and to take care of yourself in spite of everything. You're all adults here -- why do you have to be the only one who acts like one?

Just my $0.02, but here's some from me and mine.
post #12 of 25
Thread Starter 
It's alway's been acknowledged by me I told my youngest I do not begrudge your feelings I can't make you feel any different. I have been support for any of my Girls no matter what, I don't approve of what the oldest has done I have never discounted anything she has done. But I want some peace she's trying once again to straghten up her life I do not even personally feel sorry for her, I feel devestated that her life sucks, I don't want to get a phone call saying she's dead, I want her to have a better life that's all. I would like some peace in knowing that everyone is alright. My youngest doesn't want anyone or anything to make her look bad, to me that is the self centeredness in her, doesn't want anything or anyone to make people think she's ever done anything wrong or would or that her life could ever be affected by anything, You can't say what If it were you her answer would be well it wouldn't be me.
When you have a person that has not had the best life and that was her choice Drugs and Alcohol they do so many things they wouldn't normally, and trust me I have never made excuses for her never, but I would never let her go hungrey either. She is once again trying to change her life what can I do? She just had a friend who commited suicide a few months ago, I think it made her think. I don't know if she's going to be ok I just hope she will be, I honestly beleive that if she doesn't change now she will be dead in no time, I never thought I would go through this stuff they weren't raised around any of these things and I don't feel like it's my fault, now I do know that I love them all the same no matter what. We are all victims from all of it, that's what no one seems to understand it doesn't just effect 1 person it effects the whole family. I don't want to act like a child but it doesn't seem fair that they want me to take sides, I finally figured out people do what they do because it works for them, my youngest she's 39 she whines so much its awlful, it's all about her, I told her get over yourself everything isn't about you. My oldest who is 43 I am 15 years older then her, it's time now to grow up work harder then you ever have, apologize to who you have hurt if they don't accept it you need to learn to move on the mistakes will alway's be there the rest of your life you need a better way to move on. I know I am not right all the time but I don't say anything I don't mean.
post #13 of 25
Has your older daughter tried contacting the AA? One of their 12 steps, I believe, is about exactly this kind of thing. She may get some good advice there. Have you considered contacting the one for family members of alcohalics/drug addicts?
post #14 of 25
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Satai View Post
Has your older daughter tried contacting the AA? One of their 12 steps, I believe, is about exactly this kind of thing. She may get some good advice there. Have you considered contacting the one for family members of alcohalics/drug addicts?
She has been in rehab 2 times been to all the meetings and didn't take it serious enough I guess, If she wants to do it right SHE has to want to get it I think, she has been saying that she's going to go to meetings, she hasn't been real well and needs surgary for a Hiatal hernia so I'm hopeing once she gets that taken care of she will be feeling physically better and alot better mentally, she just got a new apartment and she excited about that her and her boyfriend things are looking a bit better the last 2 months. I will leave it up to her as I have tried making all those suggestions to her before and I want her to do it for her not because someone else expects her to. I don't think anyone needs to hit bottom before they can do something good for thereself, sometimes the bottom isn't good
post #15 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by halfpint View Post
I will leave it up to her as I have tried making all those suggestions to her before and I want her to do it for her not because someone else expects her to. I don't think anyone needs to hit bottom before they can do something good for thereself, sometimes the bottom isn't good
Oh, I wasn't suggesting that you contact the AA for her, just pointing out that there is a support group for family members of addicts - is it al-anon or something like that? My brain is fuzzy tonight.

I imagine that this is not an uncommon situation in families with a newly-recovering (fingers crossed) addict, and they may be able to give you the advice - or at least the support - you need - because you're right, you can't do anything about anyone else's choices, and that's an awfully tough spot to be in.
post #16 of 25
Yes i know how your feeling i have so much going on at this time just hard somedays to keep a smile on your face and not get stressed out. Having to take on so much stuff at one time does make you feel like the world is on your shoulders. But i have been pushing threw it all and trying my best to stay storng about everything and I hope all works out for you too and things get easier for you too. Hugs your way.
post #17 of 25
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Satai View Post
Oh, I wasn't suggesting that you contact the AA for her, just pointing out that there is a support group for family members of addicts - is it al-anon or something like that? My brain is fuzzy tonight.

I imagine that this is not an uncommon situation in families with a newly-recovering (fingers crossed) addict, and they may be able to give you the advice - or at least the support - you need - because you're right, you can't do anything about anyone else's choices, and that's an awfully tough spot to be in.
Thanks for the support, when you run out of family it's great to have support from other people. I might add that I have a middle daughter who has been at both ends but she's being hateful to, can't even see there own mistakes
post #18 of 25
I think that is time that you did something just for you and your DH, I would tell them all to make their own arrangements for the holidays and spend the money that you would have spent on food and presents on a mini cruise or hotet break for you and him.
post #19 of 25
Yep. Work has been crazy...yet they are not satisfied with the pickup in business. There was talk of closing my department. Then things got super busy and to top it, I have some needy clients....and no one but my co-instructor seems to understand how difficult things have been lately. Last week I found out that they still may close it. I'm not happy about that. My home life is fine. Work is what has stunk. But one thing is certain, I will not let my work overtake my home life. My marriage means to much to me.

You kids are puting you in an awful spot that I honestly think you don't deserve to be in at all. I think counseling all the way around would be helpful, but that takes time too. You shouldn't have to go through the stress of 2 holidays just to appease them. I say, though it may be tough too, do something special for yourself for the holiday. Be it a trip, maybe a visit to a spa, etc. Maybe one year with no big-to-do by Mom will wake them up. Maybe if you refuse to let them tear at you like they are, they will get a little wakeup call. I'm sure whatever the answer you chose, it will hurt, but sometimes a physician has to hurt in order to heal right?
post #20 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by halfpint View Post
It's alway's been acknowledged by me I told my youngest I do not begrudge your feelings I can't make you feel any different. I have been support for any of my Girls no matter what, I don't approve of what the oldest has done I have never discounted anything she has done. But I want some peace she's trying once again to straghten up her life I do not even personally feel sorry for her, I feel devestated that her life sucks, I don't want to get a phone call saying she's dead, I want her to have a better life that's all. I would like some peace in knowing that everyone is alright. My youngest doesn't want anyone or anything to make her look bad, to me that is the self centeredness in her, doesn't want anything or anyone to make people think she's ever done anything wrong or would or that her life could ever be affected by anything, You can't say what If it were you her answer would be well it wouldn't be me.
When you have a person that has not had the best life and that was her choice Drugs and Alcohol they do so many things they wouldn't normally, and trust me I have never made excuses for her never, but I would never let her go hungrey either. She is once again trying to change her life what can I do? She just had a friend who commited suicide a few months ago, I think it made her think. I don't know if she's going to be ok I just hope she will be, I honestly beleive that if she doesn't change now she will be dead in no time, I never thought I would go through this stuff they weren't raised around any of these things and I don't feel like it's my fault, now I do know that I love them all the same no matter what. We are all victims from all of it, that's what no one seems to understand it doesn't just effect 1 person it effects the whole family. I don't want to act like a child but it doesn't seem fair that they want me to take sides, I finally figured out people do what they do because it works for them, my youngest she's 39 she whines so much its awlful, it's all about her, I told her get over yourself everything isn't about you. My oldest who is 43 I am 15 years older then her, it's time now to grow up work harder then you ever have, apologize to who you have hurt if they don't accept it you need to learn to move on the mistakes will alway's be there the rest of your life you need a better way to move on. I know I am not right all the time but I don't say anything I don't mean.

As someone who is currently having problems with my sister I can say that any involvement on my mother's part only makes things worse between us. I think you should just invite them both and let them work it out while supporting both of them equally.
post #21 of 25
Lois, I wish I had words of wisdom for you, but I just want to give you a and tell you that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
post #22 of 25
Thread Starter 
Thanks everyone for listening, you all are alway's so great and careing, as long as I don't turn you all against me I'm good to go It really seems to be something we can't get from family sometimes
post #23 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by halfpint View Post
Does anyone ever feel overwhelmed? I have been alot lately, And now I am feeling Defeated
I used to love this time of year when i was a kid, but now after the death of my mother
the familiy has kinda broken apart, None of the kids are close to my father, nor am i.
only one that goes to see him at xmas is me. But why would you, go. You get yelled and screamed out for most of the time you are there. If kids come they are expected just to sit and watch tv not make any sounds, or play..... lol so no being a kid allowed.
so of course non of his grand childen even want to come out there.

I have already said i will work 12 hours on xmas eve and xmas day. the wife cant come back until jan 3 there is no reason to put up with the stuff, and i have no other familiy near here. Most of my friends have left this area years ago. so for me there is no place for me to go.

so along with the health issues i have right now, and some other stuff, some days i really dont feel like there is any reason to get up.

So yea i can understand your feeling here. I really h ope that things work out for you
post #24 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by halfpint View Post
Does anyone ever feel overwhelmed? I have been alot lately, And now I am feeling Defeated
Yes. About 4 years ago I was to a point where I was so overwhelmed by everything that I just felt I couldn't cope. I cried a lot and had what amounted to being panic attacks. If I was in a room with too much going on I just wanted to scream.

I went to my doctor and told him what was happening and how I was feeling, and he prescribed Celexa (an antidepressant). He started me on 20 mg everyday and I quickly saw an improvement but felt there was still room for more. So at my next visit to him I told him that and he increased the dose to 30 mg everyday. It's made such a difference in my life. I no longer feel overwhelmed or stressed out and I'm happier too.
post #25 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by halfpint View Post
This is over something that has been going on between my daughters who are grown people not kids. The holidays are full of I'm not coming if she's coming and so on. I don't think they are being fair to me Holidays are something I have done for over 30 years I have had to have 2 seperate Thansgivings and Christmas's the last 3 or 4 years, I'm tried of doing that.
You know what? Stop caving in to their demands. It's your holiday and your house.

Tell them they are both invited and if they want to come that's fine, if not, that's fine too. They are adults and can decide what to do for themselves.

Sorry, but it sounds like they are a couple of spoiled brats and are making your life miserable. Time to put your foot down and end it.

Have one celebration for each holiday and if they don't like it, they can do something else or go somewhere else for their celebration.
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