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Single Ladies....I have a question for you..

post #1 of 24
Thread Starter 
So, a couple of months ago I had a break up from a 3 year live in relationship. Once he moved out and I lived on my own, I loved it!! I feel very independant, and I really love doing everything on my own terms all the time.

Even though I do love my current situation, I find myself longing for finding the right guy. I'm 24 and feel like I'm not getting any younger as alot of people I know are married already. I don't want to feel desperate to find that person, but all the while I can't help checking out every single guy..I feel like a high school girl for goodness sake!! Its ridiculous!!

Anyway, sometimes I get sad and feel like I'll be lonely forever...Is this normal?? I feel like its way too soon after my breakup to be longing for a loving relationship...

Do you ladies feel up and down about being single too?

Really, I'm not a freak...just full of emotions. Sometimes all it takes is an episode of ER and I'm bawling all night
post #2 of 24
I'm married, but certainly when I was single, I knew I was destined to be married sooner rather than later. I was looking for a lifelong partner, not a short term partner, and would ditch a guy once I found a trait that I knew I couldn't stand in the future.

If you're the sort of person who loves to share everything with someone else, then yes I would expect you to have moments of loneliness - especially after coming out of a long term live in relationship!!

Be patient grasshopper - he will find you
post #3 of 24
No, you're not weird for feeling that way. I used to joke with my friends (when my husband and I were in our "off" periods) that if we didn't get married by age 40, that we'd all move in together with all our cats and just have a blast.

My friend is getting married in three weeks, and she thought she'd be an old maid too. She was single all through her early 20s. She is 27 now, and she met her husband only a year or so ago... so it happens. Just stay active and keep doing stuff and meeting people. I know it gets lonely... but enjoy your "you" time, I do miss that about being single. At least you have Trout!
post #4 of 24
That's EXACTLY was I was like when I became single a little over two years ago (I was 26 at the time) . It lasted for a long time too.

For me, it lasted until I met some guy that I began to obsess about (yeah, some people would call that love, I call it an unhealthy obsession ) and then I lost interest in all other guys. I've begun to realize that things don't seem to be going anywhere with that guy, so I'm slowly getting interested in other guys now (hopefully it will distract me from the heartbreak )

I say just enjoy it. It's fun to have little innocent crushes... it's the exciting part of being single... you never know what will happen next.
I think it's also normal to feel lonely through all this. I've been enjoying being independent, but at the same time, I know I love being in a very close relationship and having someone to care for and who cares for me. (and there are other advantages too to being a couple... but this is a family friendly board. you get the idea )
post #5 of 24
I am not really single, kinda in limbo, but not too long ago moved out of bf's (approx 3 yrs) and now am kinda doing the long stretched out break up dance. I'm 26. I am a serial monogamist. I haven't been single since I was 13, have had a string of different guys varying from 1-4 yrs since then. I broke up with my last bf at 23, and our relationship wasn't cold more than a month before I ended up with current bf. And that was the way it's always been for me.

This time, although I'm getting older, I have no desire to be in a relationship. I have issues from this one, trust issues, etc, and plan on being single. At this point I don't think I want to get married (BIG change),, before, my goal in life was to get married and raise children. Guess I had too many bad experiences..

but in answer to your question, it's not unusual at all to seek some long term comfort, but I would say go in with your eyes open so you don't waste another 3 years on mr WRONG.
post #6 of 24
,

Everyone is going to have those up and down feelings.

i spent 4 hours sunday talking to one of my best female friends about just this subject.
she is very depressed that she is 33 single, and for the last year cant even find a guy she wants to date.

hmm which could be good sign, cause she had a real habit of datting guys, that i wanted to beat up. For being a A** toward her.
post #7 of 24
Oh honey I could write a book on this. I got married at 22 the day before my 23 birthday and I got married WAY too soon and it ended with him cheating and alot of other stuff. And now I am almost 26 and I know the feeling of being lonely. And I get so restless but I have always been told when you stop looking is when you find someone. But it doesn't stop you from dreaming. So to answer your question I think the ups and downs are normal and just part of the bumps on the road of life. My sister has found a great man and has a lovely little girl and one of my oldest friends has found a great guy whom I consider to be like a brother and she has children and I find myself saying when is my turn. But I know this makes me stronger and when God says its my turn it will be. And who knows maybe I will stay a crazy cat lady although I don't think finding a man will change that.
post #8 of 24
I just got my self into a relationship, sometimes i feel like i will end up as the crazy cat lady, i wish i could get married though!
Because our relationship is still fresh im not able to tell if he is the one for me or not. Gosh i sound horrible!
post #9 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trouts mom View Post
So, a couple of months ago I had a break up from a 3 year live in relationship. Once he moved out and I lived on my own, I loved it!! I feel very independant, and I really love doing everything on my own terms all the time.

Even though I do love my current situation, I find myself longing for finding the right guy. I'm 24 and feel like I'm not getting any younger as alot of people I know are married already. I don't want to feel desperate to find that person, but all the while I can't help checking out every single guy..I feel like a high school girl for goodness sake!! Its ridiculous!!

Anyway, sometimes I get sad and feel like I'll be lonely forever...Is this normal?? I feel like its way too soon after my breakup to be longing for a loving relationship...

Do you ladies feel up and down about being single too?

Really, I'm not a freak...just full of emotions. Sometimes all it takes is an episode of ER and I'm bawling all night

I don't think a few months is too early to want to be with someone. It's natural to want to share your life with someone. I love being on my own and being independant too, but I also love sharing a life with someone - going to sleep with their arms around you, spending time together, going out together, laughing together, having someone to talk to when you're down and you know what you're saying might not even make sense, but they just listen and hold you and tell you it'll be ok. There's nothing at all wrong with wanting that. You just need to be careful of rebound syndrome. If you find someone new try to take it slow.. but I know exactly yhow you feel, and there's nothing wrong with it
post #10 of 24
Well, just to give you a different point of view, it has been over a year and a half since my ex and I split up after being together for about 6.5 years (I'm 28) and I have absolutely no desire to be in a relationship, I love being single, I don't have to think about anyone else and I am free to do whatever I want, even if its nothing! To be honest, the way I look at it is that my kitties love me more than any guy is capable of so I guess I'm already the crazy cat lady Although it would be nice to have someone to help pay the bills, otherwise I'm single and loving it!
post #11 of 24
This is a wonderful thread, and I wish I had thought to post it long ago. Darn but you guys have good advice.

I just wanted to throw my two cents in. About 2 years ago I had a bad break up, it was devastating and I didn't really know how to go on. Luckily for me a little black and white furball ran across the road and into my life. After that I thought i was ready to get into a relationship, so like you I was looking at every guy, almost trying too hard.

Then i got some really good advice from a friend who had had a similar tough break up. She made a new year's resolution to make the next year the year of HER. She conciously focussed on taking care of herself first. I thought it was a great idea, and I decided to give it a try. I focussed on me...(though i still looked some...but not with the same intensity), i got a gym membership and started working with a trainer, I joined a class for interest, I started hiking again and read about meditation and other things like that.

About 6 months into the Year of ME, i felt like I had figured out who I was, and i was back to liking myself again. THen i felt ready to actually share that with someone else. Sure there were some lonely moments in there...but until I loved myself, i was in no shape to ask someone else to love me.

You are not alone, and you will get through this. Just give yourself time, and take some time out just for you! (i recommend at least a day at the spa!!!)
post #12 of 24
For the first time, in over 20 years, I'm on my own again. I like being independent and having the household my way but, I miss having someone to talk to, laugh with and do things with.

Right now, I'm dating a nice guy, who I met on an online dating site. For now, its casual: dinners, picnics, etc. but, who knows?
post #13 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by Renny View Post
This is a wonderful thread, and I wish I had thought to post it long ago. Darn but you guys have good advice.

I just wanted to throw my two cents in. About 2 years ago I had a bad break up, it was devastating and I didn't really know how to go on. Luckily for me a little black and white furball ran across the road and into my life. After that I thought i was ready to get into a relationship, so like you I was looking at every guy, almost trying too hard.

Then i got some really good advice from a friend who had had a similar tough break up. She made a new year's resolution to make the next year the year of HER. She conciously focussed on taking care of herself first. I thought it was a great idea, and I decided to give it a try. I focussed on me...(though i still looked some...but not with the same intensity), i got a gym membership and started working with a trainer, I joined a class for interest, I started hiking again and read about meditation and other things like that.

About 6 months into the Year of ME, i felt like I had figured out who I was, and i was back to liking myself again. THen i felt ready to actually share that with someone else. Sure there were some lonely moments in there...but until I loved myself, i was in no shape to ask someone else to love me.

You are not alone, and you will get through this. Just give yourself time, and take some time out just for you! (i recommend at least a day at the spa!!!)
That is such excellent advice Renny, I know waaaay to many women who, unless they are part of a couple, have no identity, which to me is very very sad. if YOU can't make yourself happy, then how on earth is someone ELSE supposed too?? one lesson my mom taught me was that the most important person in the whole world.... is yourself! I take that bit of advice very seriously
post #14 of 24
I'm almost 40, haven't dated in more than 2 years by choice, and although I'm alone, I don't have the time to feel lonely, because I make it a point to fill up my life doing things like fundraising for those less fortunate.

I work 45 hours a week at my regular job, have my Harley, belong to a few different motorcycle groups, have served on a few boards, and I literally drop into bed exhausted every night.

No time for feeling lonely, and I'm VERY satisfied with my life! Plus, I sleep with a great big squishy stuffed leopard, so I don't feel like I'm alone in bed at night - I get to hug my stuffed kitty all night.

It is completely normal to feel the way you are feeling, though, and it's ok! It is NOT too soon to date again, if that's what you want to do.

I do sometimes get melancholy and tell my friends that I'll be a spinster forever, and they remind me that I'm so much better off alone than I was with ANY of the men I've had relationships with.

Then I think about how much I like not being obligated to anyone, and I can be as messy as I want and no one can complain, and there is no one else being bothered by how much I spend on my kitties or my Harley, etc., etc., and then I'm right back to being VERY happy to be single and alone!!!

Go with the flow - let yourself feel, and do NOT feel badly about that! Now go out there and scope out the beefcake!!!
post #15 of 24
You recieved lots of good advice. Mostly you should be busy and remain positive and enjoy your life. I think lonliness happens whether you are married or not. Since you do want to share your life with someone, you should take steps in that direction. There are many online singles groups with specific interests where you could meet someone. there are pet owner singles, democrat singles, There is friendsters and a million more that I have never heard of. No need to be obsessed, but it is the way of making connections.
I belong to a group called MeetIn, which is not a singles group, but an activity group. I didn't notice where you live, but they are all over the states and other countries. Everyone is friendly, and of course the more people you meet the better your chances of meeting someone special. Don't be blue, get busy! Of course you know to be careful if you are meeting someone for a date that you met online. Meet them in a public place and do not give your address or phone number until you think they are trustworthy.
Let us know how you make out.
post #16 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trouts mom View Post
Do you ladies feel up and down about being single too?
after 48 single years, i still feel this way
post #17 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by katiemae1277 View Post
That is such excellent advice Renny, I know waaaay to many women who, unless they are part of a couple, have no identity, which to me is very very sad. if YOU can't make yourself happy, then how on earth is someone ELSE supposed too?? one lesson my mom taught me was that the most important person in the whole world.... is yourself! I take that bit of advice very seriously
I think your mom and my mommy were working from the same advice book! That's exactly what her and my dad always told me. My sister is the opposite of me growing up, she always had to be in a relationship. I don't remember a time when she was in high school that she didn't have a b/f, and the same through college. I'm not sure if she has an identity of her own anymore, and I think at times she might be wonder about that. It might be part of the reason she criticizes my life...not sure.

(sorry..didn't mean to hijack there...)
post #18 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trouts mom View Post
I'm 24 and feel like I'm not getting any younger as alot of people I know are married already. I don't want to feel desperate to find that person, but all the while I can't help checking out every single guy..I feel like a high school girl for goodness sake!! Its ridiculous!!

Anyway, sometimes I get sad and feel like I'll be lonely forever...Is this normal?? I feel like its way too soon after my breakup to be longing for a loving relationship...
You're only 24. It's normal to feel lonely after a break up and you've got plenty of time to find the right guy.
post #19 of 24
I prefer being single. I love living alone.
post #20 of 24
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by HopeHacker View Post
I prefer being single. I love living alone.
I love living alone too..but I also miss that fuzzy feeling of never getting enough of someone and being so excited to see them..
post #21 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trouts mom View Post
I love living alone too..but I also miss that fuzzy feeling of never getting enough of someone and being so excited to see them..
Doesn't Trout count?

I think you need another kitty!!
post #22 of 24
I know exactly how you feel. I got married too early at 24 to a man with some severe emotional problems I didn't know about... it ended badly.

For the next eight years, I did what many people here advise and became happy with myself. I learned to love living by myself (with my kitties!). I sold my car and lived very cheaply so I could work part-time. I was poor but had lots of "me" time and that's what I needed.

When I was 30 I made a plan. I made a list of the qualities I wanted in a man, and decided to put myself in a place where this kind of man might be. Looks and money in a man were unimportant to me, but intelligence, commitment, respect, and honesty were. I got an administrative job at a university in a scientific department that had lots of grad students and post-docs. I figured anybody who can get a scientific Ph.d. can keep a commitment and has to be smart!

It was love at first sight, no kidding. We dated for four years and have been married eleven very happy ones. He's ten years younger than me so evidently age wasn't important, either!

MY ADVICE: Get happy with yourself, give yourself lots of time, and when you are ready, make a list of what's really important to you in a partner, and then put yourself with men who have those qualities.

Keep the faith! It will happen! Oh, and DON'T SETTLE.

Cheers, from
SwampWitch

p.s. My husband had long hair and a beard for 8 years (scientist) and I never REALLY knew what he looked like, but when he shaved and cut his hair he was GEORGEOUS! Go figure!
post #23 of 24
Totally normal. It really depends on the person. I just got out of a 4 year relationship, and have no desire to dive back into another relationship...the women in my family tend not to get married until they are in their 30s, so I don't really feel any pressure to "hurry up" (I'm almost 20).

However, some of my friends at school are desperate to find the right guy - they have so much planned out! Wanting to be married by 25 and have a kid by 27, the kids' names, that sort of thing.

Or in the case of one of them, any guy! She's 22 and trying to get pregnant because she wants a baby so bad...unfortunately the guy she's with is an alcoholic who treats her like crud!

So yes, you're totally normal!
post #24 of 24
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by SwampWitch View Post
When I was 30 I made a plan. I made a list of the qualities I wanted in a man, and decided to put myself in a place where this kind of man might be. Looks and money in a man were unimportant to me, but intelligence, commitment, respect, and honesty were. I got an administrative job at a university in a scientific department that had lots of grad students and post-docs. I figured anybody who can get a scientific Ph.d. can keep a commitment and has to be smart!

It was love at first sight, no kidding. We dated for four years and have been married eleven very happy ones. He's ten years younger than me so evidently age wasn't important, either!

MY ADVICE: Get happy with yourself, give yourself lots of time, and when you are ready, make a list of what's really important to you in a partner, and then put yourself with men who have those qualities.

Keep the faith! It will happen! Oh, and DON'T SETTLE.

Cheers, from
SwampWitch

p.s. My husband had long hair and a beard for 8 years (scientist) and I never REALLY knew what he looked like, but when he shaved and cut his hair he was GEORGEOUS! Go figure!

Really great advice!! I definately have already decided that above all I will not settle..No way I'm wasting another year with the wrong person.

Your story is really nice, how you met your husband..how romantic. I hope that happens for me!! But I will not LOOK for it Its hard though......geeeeeeez!!
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