I"m so glad this seems to have brought you some peace
So this morning I had a witnessed cremation for Kitten. If anyone has any doubts , trust issues or simply wants to follow the process through like I did they should. She was presented in a natural state and I was allowed to spend some time just petting her. I kissed the special spot on her head and stroked the now still fluffy noodle she had been so proud to flourish. I have inked paw prints. Some extra fur, and beautifully done paw prints in clay material on her box. I watched as she was put into the oven. And I was there when the removed the remains and then pulverized them to powder. She was then sealed in a baggie and secured in the box by screws. She was treated with respect and love from her first few days until now. Where that will continue in a place of honor on my desk shelf. I know that what is in there is not her essence. But as I stroked her cold little still body my hands knew so well I am so thankful I gave myself peace of mind of knowing she was treated well always. I took one final picture of her before she was put in the oven. I don't know if it was morbid or just to keep one last image of her. She looked at peace. The scared, tired pinched in look gone. For me it was a good thing. It would have killed my husband to see.
There was nothing to be scared or repulsed about. It was the same little body I'd held every day. I have not one regret doing it this way.
As far as some of your earlier posts here in The Bridge, when we lost our Sven, my soul cat, I swear he came back and visited me. I don't know what I believe...I WANT to believe he's playing happily somewhere with butterflies and birdies, etc., but I'm kind of a realist and think I know better. But whatever, one night while lying in bed I swear I felt his familiar jump up on the bed and that very distinctive meow of his. None of our other cats' jump like him or sound even remotely like him. Could it have been a dream? Sure, but was it? I guess I'll never know.