Betrayed by my whole family for almost a year

[pamela]

I have not posted here much for the last couple years but  I felt I needed to come here to express my feelings and get your advice about this.

I just found out last night that my whole family (including neices, nephews, nephew in laws, neice in laws, etc) lied to me for almost a year. I just can't get past that fact.

What basically happened was that last night, we got together for our regular family dinners (everyone would come on sunday for dinner together). Dad happened to invite someone from church to join us.  During the dinner conversation, the visitor talked about his dog which passed away.  My mom told the guy that she understood the pain since a while ago we had to put Rusty (family cat who lived to be 25 years old and was originally mine until I went to college) to sleep.

At that point, I was  taken aback and when mom realized what she said, she immediately clapped her hand to her mouth then started laughing.  I looked at her and said, "Put to sleep? But you told me that she passed away at home?"  she just kept laughing and wouldn't answer.  I looked over at my sister and then at rest of my family and they ALL had the same face expression.   They avoided eye contact with me.  I asked why was I lied about to this?  Especially since I had mentioned to mom and others that Rusty needed to be put to sleep several times because I could tell she was suffering and mom kept agreeing but was too busy.

When I asked mom this, she said she didn't want to deal with my emotions due to one episode when our family dog passed away while I was a teenager.  That was over 25 years ago when I was a teenager and you know how hormal teenagers are!

I felt like I was treated as a little girl being patted on the head while being told that the pet is now living happily on a farm but really that pet was put to sleep.

I realized that my sister and brother even lied to me when I asked where Rusty had passed away, my sister said she went over to the house in the morning to check on Rusty and Rusty had passed away peacefully in her favorite spot in my parent's bedroom. 

I felt so betrayed, demeaned and insulted. After dinner was over, I really wanted to get out and go home but I wanted to handle this maturely so I started cleaning up.  When mom left the room for something, my sister came over and tried to tell me that mom meant well.  I couldn't believe it. I told her, "She lied to me. YOU lied to me. EVERY ONE of you lied to me and the worst thing is ALL OF YOU knew the truth except me. That really makes me feel part of this family- NOT. How could I trust you again?" She said she knew it was wrong and that they tried to tell mom that it was wrong to not tell me the truth but they decided to go along with mom's story. I told her that was still wrong and that she CHOSE to support mom in this lie.  As our discussion started to get a bit heated, my mom came and told me she wanted to talk to me in her bedroom.

When we got to her bedroom (sister followed), mom started defending her actions by saying that she was worried about how I would react and that she thought this was best.  At that point, I stopped her and said, "Mom, I am 41 years old. I've lived for many years on my own, I have had to put a cat to sleep by myself in DC and I handled it just fine. Why would you think that I couldn't handle this?"

Mom said, "well, you have to admit that when you found out Rusty had died, you did lose it."
 

I interrupted her to say, "That's your definitation of losing it?  Yes, I grieved but I didn't wail or sob uncontrobably like I did when I was a teenager for heaven's sake!  YOU are over exaggerating."

Mom looked at me and admitted that MAYBE she exeggerated a bit which I disagreed with- she over exeggerated a lot! I was there, I know what I did and said.

At that point, she lost it and started screaming at me about how I would often miss family dinners on Sundays, and if I did come, that I'd let her know 5 minutes before that I was coming and that I was not willing to be with family.

I ended up walking out. I have not seen or talked to my family since then.

Mom texted me this morning saying how she was sorry and that she meant well.  My sister texted me also to ask if I was okay. I have not replied to either one of them. At this point, apologizing is just empty words to me because they have said and done things in the past that has hurt my feelings and they would apologize then keep doing things again.

I am soo devastated. I cried for over 4 hours last night and still am suffering a HORRIBLE headache due to this. How could my whole family lie to me and how could I trust them again? At this point, I am not sure what to do. At this time, I do not want to see or talk to them.

Now, pls tell me the truth. What do YOU think? What would you do? Am I overreacting???????

 

[nurseangel]

I don't blame you for being upset. 

  And I think I would have reacted the same way under the circumstances.  However, IMHO your family was trying to somehow lessen your pain.  It just backfired terribly.  I don't think they meant to hurt you. 

 

[kookycats]

I agree that your family did not intentionally mean to hurt you. While you should have been told the truth, it sounds like in their minds they were trying to lessen the hurt. Of course that doesn't mean they were right, but maybe it's time to let old grudges die. If you read my post about my nephew's divorce problems, I had mentioned that we weren't talking for a while. While we're still hurt at some of the things that happened, we realized the life is short and it's time to forgive and forget. Hopefully that applies to you and your family as well.

 

[odiakkoh]

I would've reacted worse tbh. I'm sorry for your situation. I'm hurting for you at the thought of such betrayal. It's bad enough if it was just your mom but to have everyone know the truth but you just makes it worse.

 

[carolina]

I don't blame you for being upset.    And I think I would have reacted the same way under the circumstances.  However, IMHO your family was trying to somehow lessen your pain.  It just backfired terribly.  I don't think they meant to hurt you. 

However..... man.... I would been irritated! :lol3: I know myself.... And being far ( I live in a different country from my family) this stuff happens to me all-the-time.... and trust me, it irritates me.
It is not at all betrayal though, it is not at all meant to hurt you....
But I so get where you are coming from :nod: And yep.... I would be saying a thing or two too :lol3:

 

[angels mommy]

I don't blame you for being upset. 

  And I think I would have reacted the same way under the circumstances.  However, IMHO your family was trying to somehow lessen your pain.  It just backfired terribly.  I don't think they meant to hurt you. 

Sorry to hear that happened. I agree w/ what the others above said. Right now you feel betrayed more than anything. It will probably take a little time & space to get over. You need time to process

it all.  Once you've had that, hopefully it will pass, as even you know deep down, they were only trying to spare you more pain. It doesn't make it right, but that's why they did it.

As said above, life is to short. take this from me, I have lost 3 older family members (2 unexpectedly) all this year!   Once you have taken time to digest it, you will feel better,

understanding it came from a good place. 

 

 

[blueyedgirl5946]

I am sorry Pamela that you found this out in the way you did.  The truth always come out, so I never understood why people lie.  I would be hurt too.  Give yourself some distance for now from them.  I don't think they did what they did to hurt you, but to try to protect you from the hurt.  You might consider when you have had some time, ask your family to sit down with you.  If that happens, then you can explain to them how much this hurt you and how it is going to be hard to trust them going forward.  I hope you can forgive them and keep loving them.  In time, maybe it can be put in the past.
 

 

[subvet642]

The great thing about advice is you don't have to act upon it. I'm going to offer a somewhat different perspective. It seems to me that your family's stiffled laughter is revealing of their true feelings, and their disregard for yours. Your mother and family allowed Rusty to suffer for the sake of her convenience. They lied about it, so they knew it was wrong. Also, they apologize, but don't change their behavior. If you let them, they will do this for the rest of their lives. They don't respect you, or the innocent life that was in their care, and frankly, I wouldn't trust them ever again. If a family member harms me, that's one thing, if they harm an innocent, I'm finished with them. My sister, for example, lost her children to the state due to her abuse. She made no attempt, whatsoever, to even visit them, so they were put up for adoption by the state, and we have no idea where they are. I'm finished with her and I wouldn't lift a finger to save her life. All that being said, you can still have a relationship with her/them, but you have to have it on your own terms. My wife, facing similar broad issues with her mother, issued a manifesto stating under just what conditions she would maintain their relationship. If my MIL violates those conditions, my wife will simply break contact with her for a few months. That's usually enough to snap her out of it, for a while. Family is important, but no so much that you have to put up with random emotional abuse.

 

[swampwitch]

Now, pls tell me the truth. What do YOU think? What would you do? Am I overreacting???????

I think you were lied to by those you love and trust, and for no good reason at all. You were singled out, everyone else knew, and that is just cruel. You are not overreacting one tiny bit. In order to deal with a death, we want the truth and even the details, and you weren't given that courtesy so you are starting the grieving process all over again. The fact that your mother laughed is just TOO MUCH. I would feel horribly betrayed (betrayal is a violation of trust) and furious and I would stay away for a long time.

If I were in your family I would have told you the truth - I would not have played mother's selfish game. I'm sorry no one else did that, this is not an insignificant subject, we ARE talking about death of a loved one here.

I hope this is a fluke and your mother doesn't usually do crappy stuff like this, but she sounds pretty practiced. I'm SO sorry! 

 

[callista]

I don't think you are overreacting. I would feel just as betrayed. In fact, I feel a little that way just reading about your experiences, and I'm not a particularly emotional person. Even if you had still been a teenager, she shouldn't have lied to you--that you're in your forties now makes it even worse. If she thinks she has the right to lie to you "for your own good", to patronize you like that--yeah, I'd be mad, too.

 

[pamela]

I really appreciate all of your replies and advice. 

First of all I'd like to address several postings so I can clarify-

"Your mother and family allowed Rusty to suffer for the sake of her convenience. They lied about it, so they knew it was wrong. Also, they apologize, but don't change their behavior. If you let them, they will do this for the rest of their lives."  they didn't allow Rusty to suffer- They all knew that she needed to be put to sleep.  It was just that last week that we could tell that she needed to be put to sleep. It was really hard to take Rusty to the vet since she became very feral anytime we'd put her in the cage to take to the vet. Mom did say she was afraid that if she put Rusty in the cage that Rusty would have a heart attack and die before arriving ot the vet so there were difficulties in handling Rusty.

Another posting - "The fact that your mother laughed is just TOO MUCH."-  let me clarify this- my mom often has inappropriate reactions to awkward situations and would say inappropriate things sometimes. I think part of this is due to her being abused growing up (luckily she broke the cycle since she never abused us). She didn't laugh out of spite or enjoyment at that time- she probably laughed cuz she knew she has been caught in a lie and felt really awkward and not sure how to handle the situation at all.

Anyway, this is the email I plan to send to my family. Quick note: someof you may not know this- I am deaf - just wanted to clarify that since you will see some mention of signing issues in the email.  Anyway, what do you think?   =============================             

Hi.

I wanted to send you all an email to explain my feelings about what happened Sunday night and share my point of view so you’ll hopefully understand where I am coming from with this. I feel like this is the last straw for me and this is why I am speaking out now and saying enough is enough.

First of all- I love you all, mom, dad, Natalie, Shaun, Mike, Suzee, Colby, Cali, Taylor, Alex, Caden, Abbie, Berklee, niece-in-law, nephews-in-laws and grand-nieces.

I know you meant well and didn’t mean to hurt me but honestly, I feel so hurt, betrayed, demeaned, insulted, humiliated and my trust was violated. I just can’t get past the fact that ALL of you (adults) lied to me for 11 months- almost a year. The whole family (including nieces, nephews, and in-laws) knew the truth except me and all of you chose not to tell me the truth even though you admitted that you knew it was wrong to lie to me.  When I looked around on Sunday, none of you would look at me or make eye contact with me during dinner at that time so that made it obvious that you knew the truth. Some of you may say that you did not participate in lying since you didn’t say anything but to me you choosing to be silent and not speaking out since the beginning mean you chose to support lying to me.

How can I ever trust any of you again?

This whole situation makes me feel more alienated from this family than ever. It makes me wonder what else has happened that I do not know of in the past, present and in the future with this family.

This reminds me of a story where the parents would pat a kid on the head and say that the family pet had gone to live on the farm happily while the truth was that the family pet was put to sleep.

Well, you treated me as a little girl who couldn’t handle the truth. That’s how I feel.

This is not the first time this has happened. Often I would not be told until much later (or after the fact) of family who had to have surgeries or had to go to hospital ER. One exception was when Cali was rushed to the hospital and I wonder if it was only because I showed up for dinner. Other times, I would find out things that had happened with extended family that everyone knew but I didn’t know and when I would mention this, often you guys would say something like “I thought I told you while we were talking with family.” Then you’d apologize then you’d start talking about another topic. The thing is – you’ve apologized but this keeps happening again and again.

Do you remember when I lived in DC and I found out I had to have immediate emergency surgery to remove a suspicious lump from a breast of mine? I thought of not telling anyone in the family since Dad was going through Stem Cell treatment in Boston at that time and I didn’t want to add more stress to the family until I knew more about the lump. BUT I realized what if something went wrong during the surgery? So I informed Shaun only to be safe but told him to NOT tell anyone and that I would tell you after I got the surgery results if there’s anything to be worried about. I felt that there wasn’t much that the family could do since I was in DC (same reason you used with me when I objected to you not letting me know about incidents immediately- you said there wasn’t much I could’ve done while living in DC). Shaun chose to tell you anyway of my surgery- do you remember how upset you got when you found out? To be honest, that really surprised me because you did the same thing to me over and over throughout my life.  I knew you all were really stressed about dad going through the treatment and I thought it was best that I did it that way but you disagreed. You were upset with me for not telling you about my surgery then you still chose to not tell me things after that.  The ironic thing is Shaun chose to tell you the truth about my surgery even though he knew I’d be furious at him because he felt you as a family should know but none of you chose to tell me the truth about this. That tells me a lot about where I stand in this family- that you think you have a right to know what’s going on with me (if things are serious medically) but you select what I should know related to this family. The sad thing is the experience of not knowing right away that I needed surgery could’ve helped you to understand how I felt in the past and presently but apparently not.   I’ve learned to not expect to find out things in a timely manner related to this family and just thank you when I do find out. That’s why I haven’t objected often in the last couple years because I’ve realized that this would not change.

Another example was when Shaun and Natalie decided to go to Uncle Kerry’s house with their families to finish up cleaning and I was not included in this discussion. I already planned to go – emailed Clark earlier that I was going then I got a text from Natalie that morning saying not to come since there was not much to do and that she, her family and Shaun’s family were there already. I still went anyway even though I felt hurt and left out.  I found out after the fact.

I used to try to get to know you, your family, and nephew/niece-in-laws better. I used to ask you how your work or school went and most of you would always give me a short reply such as, “it’s fine.”, “Boring.”, etc. but then you’d talk in details with someone else a minute later. I stopped asking because I could see that you didn’t want to try to communicate with me. I know signing is hard but most of you have not really made the effort to try to communicate with me on a consistent basis. I remember I’ve shown you certain signs to use during dinner such as salt, pepper, salad, etc. in an attempt to encourage you to sign a bit with me but with little success since you’d just repeat the sign, nod then start talking with others or eat. I’ve used my voice most of the time while communicating with you. Maybe you don’t know this but it’s hard for me to use my voice and I honestly hate having to use my voice BUT I do it because I know it helps you to understand me and I am willing to put in the effort.

How many of you lived alone (no spouse) on your own for at least a year many miles away? I did that for over 10 years in DC/Maryland. Living alone is a lot harder than it is living with a spouse or family.  Living with a family means you have a support system there at home. I don’t have that available at my home. If I needed help, I’d have to reach out to friends and/or figure out solutions myself.  I’ve faced some tough and scary situations that I have not told you about and I made it through.  Looking back, I know living on my own so far away has been an enriching, challenging and empowering experience for me and I wish everyone could experience that.

I went through many challenges and trials that you have no idea of or will ever know or understand. I am a strong person and I’ve handled most of these challenges and trials pretty well. You do not know me that well obviously since you thought I couldn’t handle Rusty being put to sleep and chose to lie to me as a whole family instead.  I feel that you have not shown me respect and you did not treat me as an equal or adult in this family and this is not the first and probably not the last time.

One thing that amazed me is that the fact that you think I couldn’t handle the fact that Rusty was put to sleep. I had mentioned to mom and several members of the family several times during that period of time that Rusty needed to be put to sleep since I could tell she was suffering.  As some of you may or not recall, I had to put several cats (Sunniday and a few feral cats) that I loved dearly to sleep while I lived in DC and I was alone but I knew that making those decisions were the right choices for these cats.  What made you think that I couldn’t handle Rusty being put to sleep? Being lied to as a whole family made this 100% worse for me since it makes me feel like the whole family sees me as a person that cannot handle life or truth.

Again, this makes me wonder what has happened in the past, present and future that I do not know of with this family since it’s apparent that I’m not included in the information-sharing with this family all the time.

At this time, I believe we need time apart so you can reflect about what you have done.   I will not be coming to family things for the next couple weeks and I do not want to see or talk to you for a while. I will contact you when I am ready so please do not contact me at this time unless it’s a medical emergency. When I come back or contact you, perhaps you can present ideas on what can be done in the future to improve our relationship and how to earn my trust back and we could discuss this further.

Please remember, I still love you all.

Pamela

 

[rad65]

Your mom may have had good intentions, but it sounds like those intentions arose from her belief that you couldn't handle any bad news without completely breaking down, which is downright disrespectful. She treated you like a baby who needs the wool pulled over her eyes rather than an adult woman who can deal with tough situations like that because it's life. She is displaying the trait I find most disturbing in parents: she saw you react poorly (in her mind) to a situation when you were a teenager, and she kept that image as the basis for all other similar interactions in the future, refusing to believe that you could grow as a human being. It's a parent's job to help their children grow up and mature, which makes it most upsetting that she seems to still view you as an unstable teenager.

I would also be mad at the rest of your family because they went along with your mother's twisted game. This means that they either feel the exact same way toward your mental state as your mother does, or they are at least pandering to your mother's whims rather than taking the information they received and doing what they believe is right. A family who agrees unanimously to lie to one member because another member thinks it is the best option is not a family I would want to interact with. I can kind of see how your extended family wouldn't want to interfere and step on your mother's toes so to speak, but there is really no excuse for your sister to have lied to you, especially since it sounded like she admitted to knowing she was doing the wrong thing for the sake of pleasing your mother.

EDIT: I saw your last post after I finished writing mine. I think that's a great email to send out to your family. You don't come off as vindictive or anything; you calmly explain how your family has left you out of the loop, how it made you feel, and how you feel there is a double standard within the dynamic of your family. 

 

[angels mommy]

Good letter Pamela. Good for you for sending it!!  Maybe now, they will be more conscience of the way they treat you.  You always have support here!

 

[pamela]

Thanks but I haven't sent it yet.. I am waiting for feedback from a few close friends and seeing if anyone here has any advice about it.. will send it tonight..

 

[swampwitch]

Your mom said she didn't want to "deal with" your emotions, that sounds like her problem, not that you wouldn't be able to handle your pet's death at your age. SHE didn't want to be bothered, so she got the family to all promise her they'd lie to you, and then SHE is the one who didn't keep the secret. That's messed up.

 

[tara g]

I'm sorry to hear they lied to you like that I would also feel so betrayed, and probably react pretty badly to finding out about the lie. I've had to distance myself from family before over things, and sometimes it can be hard but also it is what I needed to do as to not go too far. That is definitely a good email to send them to let them know how you feel. I wish mine would listen about how I feel in regards to things we have issues with.

Katina went missing for a week one time (she lives with my now-ex-inlaws), they didn't want to tell me because they feared she'd been killed (turns out she was trapped in someone's garage). They cited the reason because I didn't react well when Monte died in 2008. But lying to me about something would have been even worse, especially if I came across her or something on my own. My dad didn't want to tell me when I was 12 that he was having my dog put to sleep. He intended to just do it and wait for me to wonder where she went, but my mom wouldn't let him do that.

 

[nurseangel]

I think your email is very much from the heart.  If I received an email like this from a family member, I would take a long look at how I was making that relative feel, whether I had done it intentionally or not.  And I like the fact that you told them you needed some time apart, but let them know that it isn't a permanent break.  That was a kind thing to say.

 

[pamela]

Unfortunately- it looks like at least one person is very angry with me.  My brother just emailed me a long email and basically told me that I was very spiteful, selfish, that I needed to GROW UP and that I owed mom an apology since she was already having a hard time (I didn't know this) and that my reaction and email was exactly why they didn't tell me about Rusty. *sigh*

If he sees it like that, I guarantee rest of my family will react the same.

 

[callista]

I'm guessing they think "it's just a dog", right?

Yeah. Don't let them use that excuse on you. For one thing, a dog is a creature we've domesticated and thus have the responsibility to treat with respect and kindness. For another thing, the dog thing is a symptom of their not respecting you--which they ought to.

Don't escalate this, though. If you just get madder and madder, they'll feel more and more justified in labeling you immature all over again. Be polite and don't make things worse--even if they're not going to apologize, they are still family and there's something to be said for blood ties. If you have to distance yourself, fine; but maintain a civil relationship, at least on your end. Feuding isn't worth it. But you do not have to knuckle under and be a good little girl. Your perspective is as valid as theirs.

BTW: This is coming from someone who is mostly estranged from her mother, so I might know what you're going through or I might just be bringing my own baggage into it. My mom knew I was autistic when I was a child, but she refused to tell me or get me "labeled"--with the result that I didn't learn what I needed to manage my disability and ended up in the mental ward twice when I tried to live on my own. Thankfully, a perceptive doctor caught the missed diagnosis, and ever since then I've been making steady progress; I'm back in school and haven't needed a hospital in years, and while I do get help from an aide, it's only every few days. My mom is still in denial. If she had her way about it, I would stop taking all medication and declare myself to be completely normal, and just "try harder" because obviously all my differences come from my being a rebellious, strong-willed, over-dramatic child. I've had to learn that parents can be wrong about things--and that my mom is wrong, and that it's okay for me not to answer the phone when she calls to lecture me about something or other, or to tell her it's not okay for her to forward me junk e-mail about her latest nutrition craze that's supposed to magically make me the thin, popular, normal girl she apparently wants. It's okay to reject that, and it doesn't mean I have to hate her. In fact, I love her--she's my mom, and she does love me, however misguided she is. And that's okay.

I don't know how much alike our experiences are. In my world, being autistic is as significant to me as loving cats; so I guess you and your dog might be pretty similar. The sense of betrayal is pretty much the same anyway.  Just hang in there.

 

[rad65]

After a response like that, I think I would continue with the plan of taking a break from your family. If they can't see that their behavior and attitude toward you is what you are taking issue with vs you simply being upset over finding out how your cat died, then there is really nothing you can do other than giving them some space. It sounds like your family is treating you like a child and they are going to see any reaction from you in that light.

How can someone not see that a conspiracy to cover up the truth from you and only you is going to make you upset should you ever find out about it? Your family doesn't seem to have any empathy in their hearts for you.