Wedding invitation question

[margecat]

DH & I received a wedding invitation from a distant family member. I've never seen one like this: the large, single-sided card, which normally says something like, Mr. & Mrs. John Smith request the pleasure of your company at the WEDDING of their daughter...." In place of "wedding" it says "Wedding reception". Ok, one would think we're only invited to the reception (a pet peeve of mine, BTW). However, there is a much smaller card enclosed, "Wedding ceremony 5 PM,,blah, blah, blah." Are we invited to both? Or just the reception? Actually, we can't go (I've never met them; the groom is DH's relative whom he barely knows, and it's across the country, I don't fly, DH wouldn't be able to get time off anyway, etc.), but I'm curious about it. I could ask them, but I'd rather ask here. Thanks.

 

[gailc]

I would think you would be invited to both but don't feel obligated to give a gift.  If you did attend the wedding IMO would be gift enough as it would be an expense to do so.

 

[margecat]

I'm sort of stuck buying them a gift (and they are people I'll probably never meet, nor have ever had correspondence with)--MIL told us to get them something.

 

[parsleysage]

You're invited to both, but it sounds like there are people who weren't - they would have gotten the first card but not the smaller second card.  It's pretty common these days for better or worse.  

 

[capt_jordi]

yeah you are invited to both but not everyone was. And in many cases the reason they will only invite people for the reception only is because it will be at a different venue and the wedding ceremony location cannot hold everyone like the reception venue can, or they want the wedding itself to be a intimate celebration but they want to celebrate afterwards with a large party. Honestly I kind of like it that way.

 

[margecat]

yeah you are invited to both but not everyone was. And in many cases the reason they will only invite people for the reception only is because it will be at a different venue and the wedding ceremony location cannot hold everyone like the reception venue can, or they want the wedding itself to be a intimate celebration but they want to celebrate afterwards with a large party. Honestly I kind of like it that way.

I don't like it.  I think it means they want to maximize the gift potential. If people are not important enough to have at the ceremony, they shouldn't be invited at all, nor expected to buy a gift.  Just have a simpler wedding, or get a bigger venue. In other words, "You're not important to us enough to have you see us marry, but you're good enough to give us a gift." I know technically it's proper ettiquette--but I think it's tacky. My SIL's sister pulled that crap with our ENTIRE family, only inviting her side to the church--or so they told ME. Found out later she lied; my Mom, brothers, etc. were all invited. This was the cause of a HUGE family problem--which I'm still living through 7 years later.

That's the problem with a lot of modern weddings--greed, greed, greed--all about the bride (and sometimes the groom) and what a princess she is. At my reception, DH and I went around to each table, and chatted with every single guest, one-on-one, and thanked them for sharing our special day with us.  We didn't have the attitude that the day was only about us--it was about being with the small group of people we loved, and sharing our happiness with them.  I didn't even have a gift table (and was chided by one of the SILs for that--she set up one without my permission. This woman also was behind the vulgar idea of having the guests buy chances to win a gift basket at her son's wedding reception; the money went toward the couple's honeymoon in Hawaii. Since they honeymooned in Cape May, NJ, where the wedding was held, I guess they didn't sell many lottery tickets.)

 

[MoochNNoodles]

You're invited to both, but it sounds like there are people who weren't - they would have gotten the first card but not the smaller second card.  It's pretty common these days for better or worse.  

Yep.  My cousin did something like this last spring.  She never wanted a big wedding.  She's pretty self conscious and it took her and her DH nearly 10 years of being together to get married in the first place.  She wanted to get married in NYC at the courthouse.  So they did.  They had their parents and siblings there and one uncle who her DH is extremely close with.  They went out to eat afterward.

But as a compromise; they still had a reception a few months later; back in their hometown where family and friends could come.  Both Mom's wanted a reception and it was nice to celebrate with the entire family.  My cousin still didn't really want that much attention; but not having the typical wedding day nerves on top of that made it bearable for her.  It turned out good they did something like that.  Our Grandpa passed away a few weeks after their wedding.  They were able to see him and tell him they got married.  Her DH has been really good to my Grandparents. I think it gave him the peace he needed to let go.

But there are other reasons people do things like that.  It's popular around here to get married at this historic chapel.  But it doesn't hold more than a few dozen people.  I know a few people who had destination weddings who've done that too.  I actually know one couple who is doing a destination wedding specifically to keep the drama lamas of the family from ruining the day.  You know; the people who make everything about themselves.  It's not the "traditional" way; but traditions are always changing anymore.  And I don't think it's always about greed.  They have their reasons I'm sure.  You said yourself you've never met them and DH barely knows them.  So you've judged their intentions without knowing their character.  In my family; it would be a bigger slap in the face to NOT invite even the distant relatives.  I would be upset if they invited you and didn't include you in the wedding part since you'd have to travel so far.  If you "have" to send a gift; it doesn't have to be big.  If it's like with my fam; you may have been included also with the knowledge it was unlikely you'd come. 

 

[sarahp]

I got a "please come to the reception, but not the wedding" invite last year. It was someone I did not expect an invite from - we were there as guests of the bride's parents, not because we knew the bride well. It was a bit weird, but we went. The ceremony was on a boat, and there was only limited space anyway.

I don't think it's people trying to get more gifts - it's costs a small fortune to have a reception, and the more they invite the more they have to spend.

The ceremony itself is a very personal thing, and I think it's totally acceptable to have a smaller ceremony, then a big party for a larger group to really celebrate. As well as that, it's a wedding - there's no rules, and I truly believe people should do whatever suits them - it's their day after all.

 

[calico2222]

I agree, you're invited to the wedding but not everyone is. Consider yourself lucky?? Maybe you won a lottery? I can understand some weddings are only for close family and friends, or it's a small venue so only so many can be invited and some religions don't even allow anyone not of that religion or anyone other than the family to even witness the marriage itself.  That really wouldn't bother me as long as I could celebrate with them.
 

 At my reception, DH and I went around to each table, and chatted with every single guest, one-on-one, and thanked them for sharing our special day with us.  We didn't have the attitude that the day was only about us--it was about being with the small group of people we loved, and sharing our happiness with them.  I didn't even have a gift table (and was chided by one of the SILs for that--she set up one without my permission. 

Now, the bride and groom not doing the "walk" and talking to each guest DOES bother me. At our reception, after we ate we went around and thanked everyone personally. SO many people don't do this. It's a pet peeve of mine. Take the time and thank them for sharing your special day. It's not that hard. Now, we didn't make it to every table due to cake cutting, first dance, etc but we also had the "dollar dance" (I know some people frown upon that but it's a tradition in my area), so I got to spend a few minutes with each of our guests and so did hubby.

We did have a gift table (and I know Mom probably rolled over in her grave). I was brought up that it was tacky to take wedding gifts to the reception and the gifts should be delivered to the bride's mother before the wedding. That is fine and dandy (in a 50's kind of way) but what do I do since my mother was gone? Or for people who's mother lives on the other side of the country? 

I didn't get married for gifts, but we were starting out, basically broke so gifts were appreciated (but not expected). 

 

[natalie_ca]

DH & I received a wedding invitation from a distant family member. I've never seen one like this: the large, single-sided card, which normally says something like, Mr. & Mrs. John Smith request the pleasure of your company at the WEDDING of their daughter...." In place of "wedding" it says "Wedding reception". Ok, one would think we're only invited to the reception (a pet peeve of mine, BTW). However, there is a much smaller card enclosed, "Wedding ceremony 5 PM,,blah, blah, blah." Are we invited to both? Or just the reception? Actually, we can't go (I've never met them; the groom is DH's relative whom he barely knows, and it's across the country, I don't fly, DH wouldn't be able to get time off anyway, etc.), but I'm curious about it. I could ask them, but I'd rather ask here. Thanks.

You are invited to both

Many are opting for this approach because they want to cull down their reception list.  So they invite everyone to the wedding ceremony, and some of those are also invited to the reception.

Most invites I've received lately have used this method.

 

[lillekat]

I don't think it's people trying to get more gifts - it's costs a small fortune to have a reception, and the more they invite the more they have to spend.
 

Actually, you might find that the more people there are at the reception, the cheaper it becomes. There are loads of places these days that offer discounts and reduced rates for larger parties. We invited everyone from our wedding to our reception (mostly because we are only in contact with our nearest and dearest) and told them that we didn't really want gifts, but they could donate to one of three charities on our behalf if they so wished. The hotel in which we held our reception turned out to be cheaper for all 80 of the guests who came, than it would have been for us to have had half that number, simply because of the bar arrangements. Could this be a reason?

Ou tof curiosity though - I've personally never heard of people sending two invites - at least not where the invitation to the ceremony itself is smaller than the one for the reception. Is it something unique to the states? Or is it something that people have heard of in Europe/worldwide as well?

Anyway, as it's been pointed out, it really is the couples' day after all I figure anything goes as long as they're happy

 

[sneakymom]

Very interesting.  And it does sound like some people were only invited to the reception and not the wedding.  Haven't heard of that- but it's been a while since someone we knew got married.

My niece got married 2 years ago.  Had a baby before the ceremony.  Whatever.  I don't think she wanted a church wedding in the first place- b/c she never really was "involved" in doing it.  Basically did it b/c MIL would have had a fit if it wasn't done that way.  As I said- whatever.  Didn't really want to go but MIL would have pitched a fit if we weren't there (we live 12 hours from family and we've only seen them a handful of times). 

Not to take away from your post- but we've got a fair amount of "wedding drama" in the family.  Another niece is getting married in August.  We all think they're both kind of young (she'll only have an associates and her husband should have a certificate for something in construction- can't remember if it's HVAC or not).  And yeah- we HAVE to go.  MIL will have a fit if we don't (sensing a pattern here yet LOL)  Here's the problem.  My dd is graduating high school and going off to college in the fall.  The school that I have a feeling she's going to wind up at- they've got some kind of a music camp in August.  The music dept at this college gave her $12,000- $3000/year.  One of the stipulations of this scholarship (besides kepping up GPA) is that she's got to volunteer at this camp.  I have no idea when it is.  This school is 40K/year.  She needs every single scholarship that this school's offering her (and they seriously have given her a lot) in order for us to swing it without her or us going into serious debt. I can just imagine the fireworks if MIL finds out that dd can't go.  SIGH. 

Cheryl 

 

[libby74]

I don't like it.  I think it means they want to maximize the gift potential. If people are not important enough to have at the ceremony, they shouldn't be invited at all, nor expected to buy a gift.  Just have a simpler wedding, or get a bigger venue. In other words, "You're not important to us enough to have you see us marry, but you're good enough to give us a gift." I know technically it's proper ettiquette--but I think it's tacky

That's my thought, too.  Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but if I'm not invited to the wedding I'm certainly not going to the reception.  There's a whole lot of tacky when it comes to weddings/showers/etc. these days.  I find it very tacky to throw a shower for someone who's been living with her fiance for several years, but I've received several invitations for family members who have already "set up housekeeping".  It just rubs me the wrong way.

 

[pushylady]

That's my thought, too.  Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but if I'm not invited to the wedding I'm certainly not going to the reception.  There's a whole lot of tacky when it comes to weddings/showers/etc. these days.  I find it very tacky to throw a shower for someone who's been living with her fiance for several years, but I've received several invitations for family members who have already "set up housekeeping".  It just rubs me the wrong way.

Count me old-fashioned too because I agree. Same with baby showers after the first one.

 

[natalie_ca]

That's my thought, too.  Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but if I'm not invited to the wedding I'm certainly not going to the reception. 

I've never heard of people being invited only to the reception.  All the invites I've received with added card invites were for everyone to attend the church ceremony and of those some would also be given invites to the reception too.

I agree that if I received an invite just to the reception, I wouldn't go either. Receptions tend to have presentation.  I would feel insulted that I wasn't "good enough" to witness the wedding itself, but they want me at the reception for my money.

 

[capt_jordi]

I dont see it as wanting more gifts. I see it as wanting to have a big party. But maybe I just like unique weddings and partying lol

 

[nebula]

DH and I invited people to both. We sent out 50 invites, with a little card inside talking about the reception

A few of our friends could only make it to the reception,  or the cermony- most made both. 

Our church gave us a wedding shower... but we also got gifts at the wedding.

Sounds like some people were only invited to the reception, which I don't agree with- UNLESS the ceremony is for immediate family only or something.

With us, our wedding and reception were intimate. Our closest friends & family.