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- Mar 8, 2022
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Yesterday we found our bengal cat Marian laying close to our terasse stairs. These are very cold days and nights in Norway. His body was cold and frozen, tongue outside, eyes wide open and full of incredible pain...
It was late evening, vet recommended to keep him cold so we took him to the car to drive with him for an obduction next day. One hour later I thought that he's in coma, that he can come back to us. Asked my husband to bring him back home. Marian wasn't that stiff as earlier but still. I started petting him, massaging his hearth, touching his sweet tiny snout. His nose was so dry. His eyes looked like two pieces of glass, foggy. I think that he closed his eyes a little bit after a while, looked calmer now. I didn't want to let him go, even knowing that he's already away.
He was six years old healthy boy. Full of energy, very active and curious. We wanted to keep him at home, but he was running away. He loved being outside and discover the world around him. And he had way to much energy to stay closed at home. After two years we gave up an bought for him his own door. He could run in and out whenever he wanted during his next, and last, 4 years of life. Maybe we should be more determined and never let him out, maybe he would still be alive.
I didn't sleep tonight. Thinking all the time that he just sleeps, that he'll be waiting and screaming hungry as always next morning. Crying.
Today we delivered him for obduction. I couldn't leave him there. Have been screaming and crying. Touching his body cuddled in his favorite blankets. Still can't stop crying, didn't make it to work today, couldn't cross the door to the office because of crying. Can't breath, my throat is so tight. Everything in the house reminds me about him. My heart is broken for ever. He's supposed to be hear. It's tragic. It's too early. It's not fair.
If we wouldn't leave for vacation he could be alive. Even though his cat sitter sad he was alright. Eating normally each day. I haven't seen him last week of his life. We left quickly for vacation, there was no time for proper good bye. This thought is making me cry even more. I failed him. And he had only us. He trusted us absolutely.
When we came back on Sunday evening he wasn't at home. He was disappearing before for few days but always coming back happy and healthy. But each time I've been loosing my mind walking around and calling him. It was the same Sunday evening. My husband was walking around whole neighborhood calling for him but he didn't find him. These days it was so cold, it wasn't normal that he was away 24hours. We've been looking for him again next day and my husband found him on Monday evening laying right in front of our house, but behind bushes so not visible from the front side of the house. Why we didn't check there at once. Thought about it that he could still be alive when we came on Sunday evening is killing me. Maybe we still could help him.
First results of the obduction says that he had enlarged heart, water in lungs and blood in kidneys. Doctor suspects heart failure or some nasty infection. It could be also poisoning with antifreeze. What if we could still save him. I can't live with this thought.
He died alone, freezing in cold in incredible pain. My little boy. He helped me so many times when I've been down. Coming close to me, he knew when I need him. Other times he was showing his independence, he was boss in the house, even showing nails when he didn't get what he needed. It was making me so angry. And now I miss it so much.
We've been traveling a lot together with him. Around Europe or staying in cabins in Norway. He was always staying close to the place where we slept. Running happy around, discovering new places, and coming back to us whenever we called him. I love him so much. I want to wake up from this nightmare and hug him again.
I don't know what to do. Pain is impossible to manage. Going to visit GP tomorrow, maybe I can get some drugs to help me sleep and maybe even go to work.
What I know is that I'll never forgive myself. I'll never be the same as before. Part of my heart was owned by him and it's now dead for ever. Colors around me changed. I hate sun, it's too positive. I don't know what to do. I don't know why it hurts so much. I didn't realize how important he was for me until now, when it's too late.
I don't belive that there's anything after that but I wish I could, maybe then he could see and hear all my love, my grief, my pain. My little defenseless boy, which I failed so badly.