Our Dear Phoebe

[Aurel]

AT the start of the year, three cats started to come to our house. We adopted them all. They were pregnant queens so they had kits, we found them homes and sterilized them and loved them.
Phoebe was the sweetest cat I have known. She would sit down and let herself be pet even pushing away other cats begging for food just be pet (and to get food). She was very agile and the second door outside opened she would be there to meow. She would play with her sister's kit and care for them as her own from the moment Pinky gave birth. She was the only cat who seemed to like my presence.
Unfortunately I live in rural nowhere with horrible gparenrs who would never have us a cat inside. Our huge dog being inside was only because he cant go to their half of the house and even he is on edge. So they lived outside and paid the horrible price. Phoebe always did like going inside though. Like she knew what would happen.
An hour ago my mom found Phoebe ran over by the road and woke me up to tell me, crying. I've had delayed reqction but now its in full force. I have been shaking and crying. I dont frequent forums as I am bad at it. But I didnt know where else to go. I have never lost a pet before. I know our elderlys dog time is coming to a close and I am coping badly with even that. Phoebe was young. She had not even a year when she came to us. I feel it so strongly I could explode. I wont ever go outside to see her sitting in a couch meowing softly and letting herself be pet, purring. I wont ever pet her again. I wont ever see her playing like a kitten
I feel nothing but grief and anger. We still have 8 cats, two adults, one kitten from first litter we couldnt find home dor and five remaining kittens from the second one. What happened could happen to them as well. No amount of neutering will prevent it. And they cant be inside because my grandparents are terrible people ( even outside of this).
I dont know wgat to do. I dont want to do anything but I cant go back to sleep either and I just feel static and getting my nxiety attacks (which i cant prevent because i do so by keeping myself busy). Its just horrible. Its just terrible. I will miss her so much.

 

[catloverfromwayback]

I am so, so sorry, that is beyond horrible.

 

[Mia6]

I am so sorry about Phoebe. Rest in Peace dear girl

 

[I'm John]

I've been in a situation like this before and I feel your pain. May her sweet soul rest in peace.

 

[di and bob]

As I am now, and have been taking care of outside cats for years, i can definitely relate to your horror and grief. We have 3 inside cats who have leukemia and can't be around outside cats. I am also guilty of saying NO MORE OUTSIDE CATS! over and over, sigh. We lived in town next to a horribly busy fast moving street. 24/7. We lost so many cats to that street.....There are so many little graves left behind, so much sadness. Most were ferals or dumped strays, but I also lost two house cats on that road, one of them my beloved Chrissy. We now live in the country and have already lost some of our outdoor cats to the road, it is an endless cycle, a heartache waiting to happen. The outside is a cruel place.
I pray you can think of how you took those little ones in instead of what happened. I know right now that is impossible, but in time your grief will turn to gratitude for having them in your life. but it takes time, a lot of it. You will never forget this, but you will learn how to cope with it. we all do the best we can with what we have. Outside cats are everywhere, some cats prefer to be outside. There is nothing to do but to take them in, give them shelter and food, and love them. for however long they have. That is all they ask for and want. Phoebe knew she was loved, she died doing what she loved, roaming the great outdoors. It hurts, it hurts bad, but she is at peace because she carries your love in her heart, and every time you think of her, you talk to her, she will know it. Love is spiritual, so eternal. Her love is bonded to your soul and will always follow your life's journey. Nothing can take this from you. Not even death is strong enough, "Death cannot take that which never dies".
Try not to dwell on her end, but her life, there are good memories there, and they are so much more important. We who have been through this over and over again can empathize. That is why we are here, to tell you that you will survive. No one can feel your pain because it is unique to you, it was your love. But we can understand and offer our support and prayers.
There will always be outside cats, we just do the best we can to make their lives a little easier, give them what they want most, love and a home to return to. No matter how short that life is.
My heart goes out to you. Time is the healer of broken hearts. Be gentle on yourself and give yourself time to heal. Eventually it will happen, but it takes time, one day at a time.......RIP beautiful Phoebe. You will never be forgotten, you will always have a secure place in loving hearts. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentIe, Phoebe, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

You gave Phoebe the very best Iife that circumstances aIIowed you to give her. Without you, she probabIy wouId not have Iived as Iong as she did, nor known Iove at aII. Phoebe Iived, breathed and had her being wrapped in your Iove, what she knew of home and Iove, she knew because of you, and she passed through the Gate between This Adventure and her Next Great Adventure with your love beside her to guide her way. Now, from That Place Where All Things Are Known, she blesses you, and she sends her love, translated and purified into Love, back to walk with you down through all of your days. Because Love abides. Always, forever, Love abides.

 

[Aurel]

Thank you everyone. I was cataconic all day before and I felt guilty when I even tried some activity - today I am fine-r. A bit. Advantage of being a yet unemplyoed graduate is that I have some time to grieve (but also that I am not forced to distract myself). Today is a bit better, but only a bit. I have a benefit of unrelated therapy tommorow.
It is a bit painful to look at our other cats. Her sister Pinky is also a big wanderer and does't spend much time home rn because of our kitten situation (only comes in to sleep sometimes and to eat) and now I feel anxious when she doesn't show up. I bought some collars finally, which, shouldnt have been my responsibility in the first place because I am not the moneymaker, but everyone I live in a flightly family and tends to not ... pay attention to things. I try not to put guilt on anyone - our area is full of drunk drivers. My power is limited.
I loved her a lot. We did. There is a person in our village with many cats who they let wander unfixed - we suspect Phoebe and Pinky were one of these cats. With us she at least had a bit of peacefil and kind life full of love, and could bring her litter to life (we gave all of them away unfortunately - which is what adds to pain because it feels like I am losing cats over and over) and I need to focus on that. Its just hard.
I appreciate every comment but I am too tired and in pain to answer and reply to anything directly. I still greatly appreciate every single comment.