Guess I'll get this out so I can feel better. Just tattoo'd his name on my arm too. anyhoo......
I had an orange tabby. His name was Tango and he was only six. Adopted him when he was a few months old. We bonded real fast. Always been a dog person but cats grow on you, especially this guy. He was always so happy and NEVER did anything bad. He would almost always greet me after work and lots of times see me off. He was so talkative. He would chirp, chat, make whirring sounds. Anyway I found a small lump between his shoulder blades a few months ago. I thought it was just a cyst. A few weeks later I could see it had grown so took him to the vet. He gave me the bad news as soon as he saw it. Was a fibro sarcoma most probably caused by one of his vaccinations. Told me it was a very aggressive tumor. He said he could operate but he wouldn’t be able to get clear margins since it was between the shoulder blades and already attached to the bones. I asked him how long and he told me 3 months or so. Then the tears shot out of my eyes. So I took him home to give him lots of ‘loving’ time.
He was fine for a couple months but the tumor was growing and he was uncomfortable. He started hiding a lot but he came when I called (indoor/outdoor cat). Was eating o.k. but was losing some weight. Was staying away from our other cats. Probably protecting himself from getting hurt by rough playing. The only cat he tolerated being around was his brother that we adopted a few weeks after him. The other cats sensed there was something wrong and were pretty nice to him. One day I saw him by himself drinking from a fountain out back. In just a couple days he looked very disheveled and slow. I walked over and picked him up and took him to the master bedroom which was now his new living quarters. Cat box, food and water in the bathroom.
He liked it pretty well but he always used to spend most of his time outdoors and I knew he missed it big time. Then he started hiding in the linen closet or the bathtub all the time. So it was time to keep the other cats out of there except his little bro. I would call him to the bed and after a few times that was pretty much where he stayed except to eat and use his box. We started giving him chopped clams and tuna to try to keep his weight up. Slowed the weight loss but not much. And he didn’t really seem in pain but he was uncomfortable. I think that’s why he took to the bed so quick. We lay there watching tv and he would lay on a tee shirt next to me and snuggle in there. Spent as much time as I could with him. He stared out the windows a lot and I knew he wanted out there. I tried to carry him out a couple times but he would get scared and dig his claws in me and want to go back in.
Got a new vet that made house calls. Well worth the price to lower the stress on the poor guy. She said that he was probably not in real pain yet but gave us a script for kitty opioids. He was going down, too fast for me so we started managing his pain. Vet said to keep it going till he seemed out of it more often than not, then she would come over. All this time I still spent as much time with him as possible. Then it seemed to be time. ‘Seemed’ is the key word.
The next part did not go well and is the part that makes me cry and I think I will always remember this. We gave him his meds and an hour before she came we gave him some more to mellow him. When she walked into the bedroom, he perked up. He knew something was up. I held him while she gave him a shot to make him go to sleep before the killing shot. Soon as she jabbed him, he cried and jumped out of my arms and ran under the bed. His little bro heard him and ran under the bed too. I didn’t know what to do. The vet told me it was all right and to get down there and comfort him. I got part way under so I could reach him. His eyes were wide open and I knew he was afraid. He didn’t know what was happening to him and why wasn’t I helping him? I’m tearing up again. The vet got down and gently got him out and back onto the bed. His brother was meowing (crying). Tango was still moving around so she gave him another sleep shot. I kept my hands on him the whole time. Then came the worst part. A play by play from the vet. “His little heart is beating so fast. It’s the adrenaline”. “Now he’s ready for the last one”. “O.K. he’s a fighter because his heart should have stopped by now”. She gave him another shot. “Now it’s very faint”. “You can see his chest jerking a little and you might hear him gasping for air”. Please shut up I kept saying. “It’s all right he isn’t really feeling it”. “O.K. there’s no heartbeat. He’s gone now”. The whole time I’m sobbing like crazy and kept telling her it was taking too long. I covered his head in one of the tee shirts, paid her and she left. I got another tee shirt and used both to wrap him in. Then I wrapped a beach towel around him and carried him downstairs. He was still warm. I made a place for him the day before by the back patio where he could watch us. I placed him carefully in the grave and sprinkled a little catnip on his body. Covered him up and then it was over.
I can’t stop feeling guilty. He didn’t want to die yet. He wanted to stay for a couple more weeks but I misread all the cat pain signs. He would have gone downhill fast anyway but I would have given anything for just one more week with him. I might as well have just killed him myself and I never forgive myself for anything I’ve done in my life anyway. I miss and love my little boy. I’m an old geez and spent time in the war that was not a war. And I’m crying like a baby for a cat. Guess I feel better since I wrote this out? Yeahrightsure. Didn’t work. Maybe I’m confessing. Wishing so much that I will eventually stop thinking about it.
tl;dr I killed my cat.
Please forgive me Tango....RIP
I had an orange tabby. His name was Tango and he was only six. Adopted him when he was a few months old. We bonded real fast. Always been a dog person but cats grow on you, especially this guy. He was always so happy and NEVER did anything bad. He would almost always greet me after work and lots of times see me off. He was so talkative. He would chirp, chat, make whirring sounds. Anyway I found a small lump between his shoulder blades a few months ago. I thought it was just a cyst. A few weeks later I could see it had grown so took him to the vet. He gave me the bad news as soon as he saw it. Was a fibro sarcoma most probably caused by one of his vaccinations. Told me it was a very aggressive tumor. He said he could operate but he wouldn’t be able to get clear margins since it was between the shoulder blades and already attached to the bones. I asked him how long and he told me 3 months or so. Then the tears shot out of my eyes. So I took him home to give him lots of ‘loving’ time.
He was fine for a couple months but the tumor was growing and he was uncomfortable. He started hiding a lot but he came when I called (indoor/outdoor cat). Was eating o.k. but was losing some weight. Was staying away from our other cats. Probably protecting himself from getting hurt by rough playing. The only cat he tolerated being around was his brother that we adopted a few weeks after him. The other cats sensed there was something wrong and were pretty nice to him. One day I saw him by himself drinking from a fountain out back. In just a couple days he looked very disheveled and slow. I walked over and picked him up and took him to the master bedroom which was now his new living quarters. Cat box, food and water in the bathroom.
He liked it pretty well but he always used to spend most of his time outdoors and I knew he missed it big time. Then he started hiding in the linen closet or the bathtub all the time. So it was time to keep the other cats out of there except his little bro. I would call him to the bed and after a few times that was pretty much where he stayed except to eat and use his box. We started giving him chopped clams and tuna to try to keep his weight up. Slowed the weight loss but not much. And he didn’t really seem in pain but he was uncomfortable. I think that’s why he took to the bed so quick. We lay there watching tv and he would lay on a tee shirt next to me and snuggle in there. Spent as much time as I could with him. He stared out the windows a lot and I knew he wanted out there. I tried to carry him out a couple times but he would get scared and dig his claws in me and want to go back in.
Got a new vet that made house calls. Well worth the price to lower the stress on the poor guy. She said that he was probably not in real pain yet but gave us a script for kitty opioids. He was going down, too fast for me so we started managing his pain. Vet said to keep it going till he seemed out of it more often than not, then she would come over. All this time I still spent as much time with him as possible. Then it seemed to be time. ‘Seemed’ is the key word.
The next part did not go well and is the part that makes me cry and I think I will always remember this. We gave him his meds and an hour before she came we gave him some more to mellow him. When she walked into the bedroom, he perked up. He knew something was up. I held him while she gave him a shot to make him go to sleep before the killing shot. Soon as she jabbed him, he cried and jumped out of my arms and ran under the bed. His little bro heard him and ran under the bed too. I didn’t know what to do. The vet told me it was all right and to get down there and comfort him. I got part way under so I could reach him. His eyes were wide open and I knew he was afraid. He didn’t know what was happening to him and why wasn’t I helping him? I’m tearing up again. The vet got down and gently got him out and back onto the bed. His brother was meowing (crying). Tango was still moving around so she gave him another sleep shot. I kept my hands on him the whole time. Then came the worst part. A play by play from the vet. “His little heart is beating so fast. It’s the adrenaline”. “Now he’s ready for the last one”. “O.K. he’s a fighter because his heart should have stopped by now”. She gave him another shot. “Now it’s very faint”. “You can see his chest jerking a little and you might hear him gasping for air”. Please shut up I kept saying. “It’s all right he isn’t really feeling it”. “O.K. there’s no heartbeat. He’s gone now”. The whole time I’m sobbing like crazy and kept telling her it was taking too long. I covered his head in one of the tee shirts, paid her and she left. I got another tee shirt and used both to wrap him in. Then I wrapped a beach towel around him and carried him downstairs. He was still warm. I made a place for him the day before by the back patio where he could watch us. I placed him carefully in the grave and sprinkled a little catnip on his body. Covered him up and then it was over.
I can’t stop feeling guilty. He didn’t want to die yet. He wanted to stay for a couple more weeks but I misread all the cat pain signs. He would have gone downhill fast anyway but I would have given anything for just one more week with him. I might as well have just killed him myself and I never forgive myself for anything I’ve done in my life anyway. I miss and love my little boy. I’m an old geez and spent time in the war that was not a war. And I’m crying like a baby for a cat. Guess I feel better since I wrote this out? Yeahrightsure. Didn’t work. Maybe I’m confessing. Wishing so much that I will eventually stop thinking about it.
tl;dr I killed my cat.
Please forgive me Tango....RIP
Focus on the good times you had together, and know that you aren't alone. 
