I Still Miss My Ruby, I Always Will

[rubear]

Tomorrow will mark one month since I lost my dear, sweet Ruby. There hasn’t been a single day I haven’t missed her with all my heart. In some ways it almost aches more now, I just crave holding her now more than ever. I would give just about anything to hold her again.

I adopted Ruby a couple years after I started out on my own. One day my mom sent me a link for twin polydactyl gray kittens at the shelter (all of my cats have always been gray and she knew I loved them). I wasn’t sure I was ready for one, much less two cats, but I decided to go look. To my disappointment, only one of the two was left. But she was this spunky, sweet, big eyed, big footed girl that I couldn’t say no to. I fell in love the minute I saw her and for 9 straight years we barely spent any time apart.

She was smart and beautiful and the cuddliest, most wonderful cat I've ever known. It was always just me and her and we loved each other—of course she really didn't care much for anyone else so people often didn't believe me. She knew "night, night" meant bed time and slept next to me every single night (though not before she managed to bring all of her toys upstairs and pile them outside the bedroom door). She marched me to her food dish every morning at 4 whether is was full or not, but required that the food be stirred before she'd eat it. She knew what "bye, bye" meant and would race to the front door to try to prevent my escape. She knew the sound of my car and would always be waiting on the landing whenever I came home. And if I was home, she was glued to my side—or more accurately lap. If I was outside, she was glued to the glass door until I came in. If I was up too late, she waited patiently until I went to bed. She only ever wanted to be with me.

In 2015 we had a health scare, but she was able to rebound. Exactly a year later symptoms returned in greater force. No appetite, completely lethargic. An ultrasound showed inflammation in the liver, pancreas and intestines. We treated for IBD, but for six months her health vacillated between improvement and decline. Finally a blood test showed she was severely anemic. It was non-regenerative and we were most likely dealing with cancer that had now invaded her bones. Her vet expected her to live less than two weeks. She was too sick for further tests or treatments, but I promised her I would fight for her as long as she wanted to fight.

And she continued to fight hard—for more than two more months. I spent every night and every morning giving her medicine, trying to get her to eat, and giving her all the love I could. At times I’d get so used to the routine that I’d forget what was really happening. For those last few months she was my entire life and I loved her so much I had no qualms about giving her everything.

As the end neared I took off work to be with her. One afternoon she became too weak to walk and I just held her tight like a baby, as if I could somehow absorb her into myself. I told her how much I loved her and would miss her, but that it was OK to let go. I heard her final cry and felt her last breath on my cheek. I could still feel her weight and her warmth in my arms, but in that second everything was different. She was gone. As I took her on her final journey, the universe chimed in with Green Day’s “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” spontaneously playing on the radio as I approached the crematorium.

I was comforted that she was able to go at home. Though I was ready to make the decision if I had to, I didn't want her to spend her last moments terrified in a place she hated. I was also very glad I took her to the crematorium myself—I didn’t want her to have to go alone.

It was so odd to return home after my first day back to work. I started crying the minute I turned the knob. I knew she wouldn’t be waiting for me on the landing. She wouldn’t come running when I made my supper. She wouldn’t jump in my lap the second I sat down. She wouldn’t beg me to play. She wouldn’t follow me to bed or wake me up to open the front door so she could watch the birds. She'd never do any of those things again. She was gone.

I miss her more than I’ve missed anything in my entire life. I know I’ll always miss her, but I also know it will hurt less with time.

During the last few months as I struggled to care for her and seek treatments to save her, this group was extremely helpful. It’s so easy to feel like nobody cares as much you do. It’s easy to feel like the world thinks you’re silly for working so hard to care for something you love so much. It was a great comfort to come here and find people who understand.

 

[di and bob]

What a dear, sweet girl. I know of the emptiness you talk of, even 5 years later I feel a pain in my chest when I think of my own sweet baby, they made our lives so much better by being in them. Life goes on, their life cycle does not match ours, just as we lose those dear to us because of age differences. To have our time with them cut short because of the horrible diseases that come which have no cure, or in my case by horrible accidents, it still ends the same way, we are alone and heartbroken.
Time is the only thing that helps to soften the sharp edges of grief. Ruby was so fortunate to have someone like you, to have extended time because of your tender care. For her to die at home is a blessing, to die in the arms of the one she loved above all others is something I'm sure comforted her and brought her peace.
To share such a love as you did is precious beyond compare, her new path will parallel yours for the rest of your life, she will always be close by. The bond you formed is too strong, it is eternal because it is spiritual, not bound by physical laws.
Your tribute was beautiful, you perfectly described what that little girl meant to you. Her legacy of love continues through you. If you are lonely, she would be proud for your to pass on that love to another little soul, when you feel you can, you keep her spirit alive by doing so. She would never want you to be so sad when remembering her, true love is that way, unselfish and sharing. It brings a welcome distraction from your grief, not to ever let you forget, that is not possible, but to open your heart once again, to let a new love grow, side by side, to use Ruby's love as a foundation to build upon. Like a mother that loves many children, each one is unique and precious.
Thank you for sharing Ruby's tribute. it helps to let others share your burden of grief. My heart goes out to you, be gentle on yourself.........RIP beautiful Ruby. You left a mark in this world, and on the heart of the one who misses you so terribly much. Your shining star now blazes bright in the evening sky, a symbol of the love you share forever. Bring what peace and comfort you can to the one who shared your life's journey and who will keep your memory alive. Goodnight, sleep tight, little Princess!

 

[les26]

What a sweet love story....I can certainly understand how you feel, the bond between the two of you was so strong and will NEVER be broken no matter how much time goes by....You will take time to grieve, and it might take awhile, but if and when you feel up to it you will probably get another kitty to take care of and love like you did Ruby, not a replacement but another life to care for. She looks like one of our cats named Sugar.

Thank you for sharing that wonderful story and the bond between you two. I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless......

 

[rubysmama]

As the human mama to my own kitty Ruby, the name in your post's title caught my eye.

What a beautiful tribute to a beautiful gray kitty. I hope the ache in your heart lessens as more time goes by.

RIP sweet girl.

 

[les26]

I'd also like to add that while it might have been difficult to have her pass in your arms, with time you will realize that it was a BEAUTIFUL thing, I believe that they carry that with them into the next life, for some reason, and it sounds like you would have wanted it that way.

Such a sweet story, brings back memories for me of ones passed on.....

 

[rubear]

I'd also like to add that while it might have been difficult to have her pass in your arms, with time you will realize that it was a BEAUTIFUL thing.....

You know, my vet had asked me repeatedly if I was OK with her dying at home, some people just can't handle the reality of it. I told her that if Ruby wasn't in pain or suffering, that I definitely wanted to be with her and have her final moments be as comfortable as possible. If she had been an older kitty, she might have faced a more debilitating decline and it might have been a different story. But Ruby was alert and herself up until the last minutes before she passed—I couldn't bear the though of giving away one second of her precious little life. I cared for her from the second she came into my life until the second she left this world and that's exactly how I wanted it. I just didn't want it to be so soon.

 

[les26]

You know, my vet had asked me repeatedly if I was OK with her dying at home, some people just can't handle the reality of it. I told her that if Ruby wasn't in pain or suffering, that I definitely wanted to be with her and have her final moments be as comfortable as possible. If she had been an older kitty, she might have faced a more debilitating decline and it might have been a different story. But Ruby was alert and herself up until the last minutes before she passed—I couldn't bear the though of giving away one second of her precious little life. I cared for her from the second she came into my life until the second she left this world and that's exactly how I wanted it. I just didn't want it to be so soon.

I could just tell by your post that that is how you would have wanted it, I guess every situation is different but you were somewhat prepared and ready for the end. I was not when I went home and found Sebastian who had been sick for a few weeks but we didn't think was at the end of his life sitting on the back of a chair with his right arm stuck in mini blinds, and within 15 seconds after I pulled him out he passed in my arms, not from being stuck but it was just his time although we just thought he needed some more time, but that was a sudden shock to me to come home and have that happen to it messed me up for quite awhile and rightfully so. And 1.5 years earlier I chose to hold Simon who had stomach cancer when they put him down, and while that was hard and expected it still was difficult, but looking back as hard and traumatic as they both were I am glad that I did it, and like my wife said "you were the first to hold them (when I got them) and the last to hold them when they went out", and that is a nice comfort. And now I have the little guy Sylvester whose picture is to the left, and he looks like a 50/50 blend of both the two boys put together, so he is a wonderful living tribute to the two boys plus also a wonderful cat in his own right, rescued from a not so good situation, but we found each other in the darkness, he helped me get over coming home to Sebastian and that horrible ending, and I helped him out of a bad life, and when his time comes I know that I will be a wreck AGAIN, but I just cherish this time together, take care of him the best that I can, and hope that he is around for a long time as he is only about 4.5 years old.

But based on your story, I just knew that you would have it no other way, and she wouldn't have either. Like I said, it is a love story.....

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Ruby, dream you deep. You walk in someone's heart forever.

What a beautiful tribute to your cat. And I applaud your decision to let her go at home as she was not in pain. You were with her when she needed you most, and she will be with you always.

 

[Mia6]

I am so sorry about your beautiful Ruby. She was lovely.

Rest in Peace darling girl.

Hugs,

Mia

 

[inkysmom]

What a beautiful loving life you gave her, and the most comforting loving death you could. That takes so much love and courage. I'm sure she's now your angel who will always be with you and forever in your heart. And how beautiful a cat she was.
I've lost too many pets, a very special one just two days ago and it never gets easier or less devastating. I was most glad for the ones I got to hold and be with as they died and the two that died at home with me holding them were the most peaceful.

I have my own little Ruby, short for Aruba, which is where I found him when I went there to escape my first Christmas after my mom died. I found this tiny 3 pound 3 month old tuxedo kitten starving next to a busy road trying to get people to help him. I literally picked him up off the street and we looked into each other's eyes and I felt that my mom had sent me one last Christmas present from heaven. He's been bonded to me in a similar type of relationship as you and your Ruby ever since. Follows me everywhere, hides from everyone else and is always as close to me as he can get. He's only 6 and already allergic to everything. He's helping me get through losing my beloved Inky who he loved too, just 2 days ago, and his other 5 cats and dog siblings that have died since 2015. He, my other cat and younger dog are getting through much grief at losing other beloved special pets.

No other loved one can replace the one who is gone. But someday you might want to give a loving home to another pet who needs a home and have a new bond that honors all that your beautiful Ruby taught you. I felt very guilty getting a new dog after my beloved dog died over a year ago. But I missed having a dog, like having a dog for protection living in a city and know no one can ever replace my last dog. I still miss and think of my last dog every day and purposely got a dog completely opposite in every way except they wound up being both males and the same weight. But I love each very differently. Grief never goes away, but time can lessen the sharp pain and make the good memories more forefront. I know I'll always miss all my lost loved ones but believe that they're happy and healthy and young again in a much better place, and also always in my heart with me, and sometimes in my dreams.

 

[zed xyzed]

beautiful and heartbreaking story, she was a beautiful girl and thanks to you knew how it felt to be loved unconditionally. I grieve with you on the passing of your sweet, beautiful Ruby

 

[Jason607]

During the last few months as I struggled to care for her and seek treatments to save her, this group was extremely helpful. It’s so easy to feel like nobody cares as much you do. It’s easy to feel like the world thinks you’re silly for working so hard to care for something you love so much. It was a great comfort to come here and find people who understand.

I'm extremely heartbroken from reading your story. The bond you shared with your Ruby is the same bond I had with Mew Mew. From the day I had her I gave her the best of everything. But I was never a touchy feely type of guy. That's why I was happy that my wife had a cat when she moved in. I figured I could take care of her and not have to deal with all the loving and petting involved.

But its true what they say about cats choosing their owner. She chose me and she was not having any of that nonsense about her not being able to lay on me at will or me not petting her a lot. At first I tried to resist. Every time she lay on me I would gently pick her up or nudge her off me. But 5 minutes later she would be back to try again. This went on for months. And of course it was inevitable that she would win that war. Since then it became an almost automatic reaction for me to pet her the way she loves as soon as she jumped on me. It was almost as if we were destined to love each other. Just like you I'm absolutely torn up. I cant believe she is gone.

If I was given the choice right now to "trade roles" with her I would do it in a heart beat. Meaning she would live a long, healthy cat life and pass away peacefully at 20 years old; and in return I would be the one to die young of a rare disease (55 years old). I would be on cloud nine if I could make that choice. Because that is what we do for our kids.

So I understand the bond you had with her. Its completely normal to grieve and you may grieve for some time to come. Just try to remind yourself just how wonderful Ruby's life was because you were in it. I think what I said above about trading places with Mew Mew would apply to our cats as well if they could think like us. I believe if Ruby was given a choice to live longer but without ever meeting you; she would choose to still have the same life and die at the same age. That's how much she loved you. I'm very happy that Ruby had someone as caring as you in her life.

Her wonderful spirit is free now. She has no pain and no worries. She is having the time of her life but she is also waiting. Waiting for one day when you two will be together again. So until then mourn her, remember her and when your ready honor her by opening your heart to another fur baby.

 

[gareth]

It’s so easy to feel like nobody cares as much you do.

Nobody does. The relationship you had with Ruby was unique, genuinely unique. There will never be another human and another cat that will experience the moments that made up the relationship you had with her. Treasure those moments. I can't judge you without knowing you, but I CAN tell that she looks happy, and she looks loved. That says a lot about you, and that's really all we have to do for them until the time comes to say goodbye and their pain ends and ours begins.

It’s easy to feel like the world thinks you’re silly for working so hard to care for something you love so much.

A lot of the world does feel like that. Nuts to them. If they go through life without experiencing the joys and agonies of a bonding with a loving animal then that's their loss. I've been where you were when you wrote this. It's horrific. It's overwhelming, all-encompassing. It's shattering. It's an indicator of the love you felt. The pain diminishes, but in reality if you really loved them then they take a piece of your heart with them that can never be replaced. It's that touch of sadness whenever you think of them, that small sigh or forced smile when you remember something you shared. That's the mark their passing leaves on you. Treasure that too, because although she has passed that mark will always be there as a reflection of the bond you will share until you too leave this world.

I hope, now that time is passing, things are getting easier. Ruby really was a beautiful girl, I'm glad she had someone treasure her every moment.

I'm going to say this - get another cat. There's an overabundance of cats needing loving homes and a shortage of people who really adore cats. You'll never replace Ruby, but every cat you do have will be unique, and you WILL bond with them, no matter how much you think it will never happen again. The little buggers know exactly how to unlock our hearts.

 

[meelasmom]

Cats have a way of giving never-ending love and companionship. You had a beautiful girl. Treasure the moments you had, as I am sure you are. I truly hope she is the angel guiding you through this terribly painful time. I am very sorry for your loss and know exactly how you feel, we all do.

I often wonder if Meela is sitting and watching all these precious angels get to the Rainbow Bridge. My pain is wondering if she is looking for me.

 

[inkysmom]

She can see you. They can all see us. They're with us forever in our hearts in a special beautiful little place, just like they're also at the rainbow bridge playing happily with no more pain or sickness. They're sad to see us suffering and missing them. But they want us to know that they're ok and will always love us and be part of us and they don't want us to suffer.
I had a dream with my beloved Inky and Tigey, my other cat who died in October 2016 that was my mom's cat that I inherited when she died and had for 6 years. They were never best friends but coexisted peacefully enough. They were just there in the dream not doing anything but in the same place as if they were trying to figure out this dream visiting stuff. I wish I could remember more of the dream because I feel like there might have been more to it but maybe they'll come back. I hadn't dreamed of Tigey at all and since he and my mom were so bonded I thought he went to heaven to be with her. But I loved him too and took care of him when he got sick a few times and at the end so it was nice that Inky brought him along. They both looked so beautiful and shiny and healthy.

 

[razzle1]

Oh boy! This post made me cry. I loved the picture with you two looking at each other.

Kathy