I Killed My Cat Last Night By Accident

[Catguilt06]

So my 1 yr old cat stormy always loved sleeping on my chest. In fact unless I made him get up he only ever got up to use the bathroom or eat and has been deathly thin since he was a kitten unlike his fatass brother. Stormy is the grey/white one on the right.

Well me and the kitties became homeless last month so I took them to a Forrester area to live. The worst predators they have to deal with are racoons and I make sure I'm home every night to run them off.

One of the cats peed in the sleeping bag last week and I didn't know which but suspected stormy since he was lying in it when I noticed.

Skip to last night. I am ony back in the sleeping bag and stormy is on me with my sleeping bag seperating us. Well I feel something wet and set him on the ground. He has not just peed a little, it has complety soaked through the blanket and soaked through my pajamas (the only pants I own, am still wearing now) before I realized. I am upset and yelled at stormy who kept trying to climb back on me just for me to push him away over and over again.

Well I was trying to figure out what to do as I had no spare clothes or blankets and have a medical condition that makes it hard for me to retain my body warmth. Since he wouldn't quit climbing into me while I was trying to air out the sleeping bag I sat him on a large branch for just a moment. I held him long enough to make sure he had his balance and he had started looking around and exploring further down the branch. This branch is only six foot off the ground and slopes down before going horizontal again only 3 foot off the ground where it then slopes to the ground. Stormy regularly climbs to the 3 foot high part of this branch. I wasn't sure if it was too steep for him to climb down to the 3 foot section but I only intended him to be there for a minute or so while I worked on the pee. I figured if he was scared to climb down he would meow and I could get him, plus he seemed to be having fun and it's only 6 foot drop on one side and four on the other.

Well he had been there for less than 5 seconds after I stepped away and without even trying to climb down the slope or meow for help he just jumped. Only 6 foot but he didn't catch himself at all and just belly flopped on the dirt.


I felt awful. He seemed fine though, still walking around and acting normal. I got up an hour later to chase away a family of racoons and came back to him lying in the now mostly dry sleeping bag. Well he looked so cute I figured I'd give him another chance to lay on me but when i picked him up so i could crawl into the bag he had peed on it again! Well I yelled at him and didn't let him sleep near me. Everytime he tried to climb into the bag I picked him up and would go sat him like 5 ft away by his water bowl. He finally gave up trying to sleep with me and curled up with his brother who was being way more affectionate to him then normal. I was so mad at stormy I only petted his brother and not him till I fell asleep.


I woke up really early when I heard someone messing with the duffle bag I keep their food in out in a tree about 15 foot from our camp. They didn't still anything once they saw it was cat food and so I sat their food out and topped off their water and saw stormy walk over and eat like normal before I went back to bed.

When I woke up about 4 hours ago stormy was asleep on my chest. When I got up he kind of slumped and slid off of me which I thought nothing of. Then his back legs quit working. He was able to crawl with his front for a bit but soon had no strength for that. I realized he was dying. He must have hurt himself internally from the bad jump even in if it was just six foot, his belly hit the dirt first.

I was deciding what to do, knowing vets won't treat him without money down and I had only $2. His condition quickly worsened with lots of meowing (he only meows in the bath) then weird breathing. He kept reaching at me claws extended and mouth opened and I started wondering if he could have rabies instead (it causes paralyzed limbs). I wrapped him in a towel so he couldn't scratch me or his brother just in case and was preparing to take him to the vet. I hoped I could get a free consultation if nothing else. But it was too late. He started shaking and he opened his mouth and he's tongue was shoot around all crazy like. Then three deep breathes. Then he shot his head towards my face, mouth sill open and I jumped back thinking he was trying to bite me, then he was dead. He had tried to reach me one last time and I jerked away. I watched the clear film of his eyes start to disolve and then carried him feel into the Forrest and laid him under a tree.

I was mean to him his last night. I put him on that branch directly resulting in his death. And I jerked back and was afraid to touch him during his final moments as he tried to reach me. I didn't even let him sleep with me his last night on Earth. I caused his death over a little bedwetting accident. I never thought he would jump and not use his legs for landing. I don't see what else could have killed him.

I
Stormy deserved better than me and now his brother is all alone.


Please tell me, is there anyway I am wrong? Could he have failed to land such a short jump because he was already dying? Could that be why he wet the bed twice the night before his death? Or did I kill my cat setting him on that 6 foot high branch for 30 seconds?

I don't know what to do.

 

[Catguilt06]

 

[di and bob]

My heart goes out to you. All of us have done things that we carry guilt over later, and wish we could go back and change the past. But it is impossible and we all have to live with what we have done.
To carry guilt there must be intention. You had absolutely no intention of bringing harm to your little one, what happened was a tragic happening that may have happened under any circumstance. I am suspicious that Stormy didn't jump correctly from that height, cats can and do all the time. Now that it is later and clearer thoughts are here, the paralysis of his rear end and the symptoms you are describing sound much like a blood clot. Saddle thrombus causes all the symptoms you describe, including the loss of control of urine. He may have gradually had a narrowing of his artery before hand, or been throwing smaller clots which gave some symptoms and then passed until the large one. this is something that could not have been predicted or found in a young cat.
You are under a lot of stress right now, and that brings on strong emotions and hasty decisions. You had absolutely no idea what was going on, your reactions, such as jumping back, are completely normal. Everything was going on so fast, and you felt so out of control, and now that you look back you want things to be different. I know this feeing oh so well. I was directly involved in the death of my Chrissy. Although I know now that I didn't kill her with any intention what so ever, and would give the rest of my life to bring her back, the guilt and emotions that come with it are life altering, and not in a good way. You will have to rely on the bond of love you two share. Stormy knew this. Despite being homeless, you had your two little ones with you and were doing all you could to keep your little family together. Although you believe you were not there for him at the end, you were. The love you two shared was present, your two souls were bound together as one. He carried your love in his heart and always will, because your love is spiritual, it is eternal. He will forever be as close as your thoughts and prayers. Tell him what you are feeling and he will help you through this......
You are NOT alone. There are so many of us that have gone through exactly what you are going through now. We are legion. Although the relationship between a human and a cat is one of a kind and unique to you yourself, we can empathize because we have stood in your shoes with our own private hell of our own making. Any time you need to talk, please come. We will share that burden and make it lighter, I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck my friend, I pray your circumstances improve in the future, please keep us posted.Take care, and love that little one that is still with you, he is grieving too......RIP precious Stormy. You will never be forgotten, you will forever have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[catsknowme]

As di and bob said, you meant no harm. Perhaps you can research uncontrolled peeing in cats and use what you have learned to teach other pet parents about the causes and conditions - cats do not pee deliberately to annoy us or because they are lazy or seeking revenge - there is usually something physical or psychological going on. Stormy's chronic thiness indicates an untreated medical condition. You are in a sad and frustrating predicament living in your car - it is a crisis situation that is happening all over the country (California gets the most attention because of its sheer numbers of homeless but in states such as KS, WY, ND, the problem is growing and because it was, until recently, not an issue, there are too few amenities or programs to deal with it) so all your own knowledge and experience can be used for outreach for other pet parents. Also, I highly recommend reaching out to get vaccinations, especially for rabies and feline distemper (now called feline panleukopenia or "panleuk") which is the cat version of parvovirus - those diseases are commonly harbored in raccoons and living outdoors greatly increases the risks to your cats and any dogs. The local animal control and rescue groups may know of possible assistance for you in that regard. But back to your original question - no, I don't feel that the fall was because you put Stormy on that branch - I believe that Stormy's medical condition caused the fall and the crash landing.

 

[Kieka]

Just to add another voice, it sounds like Stormy had something else going on. While the fall probably didn't help, it also probably wasn't what lead to Stormys death. You are dealing with a lot and under a lot of stress. Cats peeing on things is stressful under the best conditions, even more so in your situation. Let yourself grieve and accept that while what happened was a tragedy you did the best you could in the situation. Learn and grow from this. Maybe you could ask a local clinic or shelter or vet if you could volunteer in exchange for vet care for his brother.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Stormy, dream you deep. You walk in someone's heart forever.

I know how heartbroken you are, but I really think that something was going on with him well before that fall. And in very difficult circumstances, you are doing the best you can for your cats. Stormy knew that he was loved, and he loved you in return. This I can tell you for sure, love never dies, it only changes form and continues on, still Love. Stormy, his Love for you, is with you still. Always.

 

[jefferd18]

You know what a lot of people do when their house forecloses, they walk off and leave their pets- just leave them in the house to die of starvation. You on the other hand did everything you could to keep your family together and I commend you for that.

Cats don't die from six foot falls, something else was going on with Stormy. It sounds like he had inherited the bad luck of the gene pool and there was nothing you could have done.

Please don't beat yourself up over this, we are only human. A cat urinating on you can be annoying and when you are under as much stress as you are, the frustration only intensifies. Your reaction was not out of line( you didn't hit him or hurt him), and there was no way you could have known that this "was his last night on Earth." And judging by the fact that there was only cat food to be found tells me that you are taking better care of those felines than you are of yourself.

Stormy loved you.

 

[les26]

I am so sorry to hear this tragedy but it was an accident and like others said maybe something else was going on. But I also am very concerned about you and your situation, I will pray that things turn around for you and soon!!!!

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven"

Hang in there and visit here as often as you need to, I am sorry for your loss but will keep you in my prayers, God Bless......

 

[1 bruce 1]

I'm going with the others in that something about Stormy's behavior and health seems off before this happened.
"has been deathly thin since he was a kitten....One of the cats peed in the sleeping bag last week and I didn't know which but suspected stormy since he was lying in it when I noticed. (My additional note: Very, very uncommon for a healthy cat to pee themselves and not move or attempt to clean it or themselves up.).....He has not just peed a little, it has complety soaked through the blanket and soaked through my pajamas......Only 6 foot but he didn't catch himself at all and just belly flopped on the dirt.... Then his back legs quit working."
I'm not a vet and can't give any advice for certain, but I would not write off the suspicion that based on his inability to gain weight, the fact he peed and voided where he was sleeping and just lay in it says that something was probably wrong long ago, since he has had problems gaining since kittenhood. I woud suspect that it's tied to the paralysis, and the fall did not cause it. It's possible the paralysis was setting in (hence not moving around much after peeing himself), and he simple belly flopped because he was already feeling "numb" in his rear end and that's why he fell. So I would suspect that the paralysis caused the fall, and not the other way around.
The thing about this kind of thing is, even if you would have taken him to the vet with 10 grand cash in hand, a young cat that has this much going on may or not be able to be saved. I've shouted at ours before, and I understand that you feel bad about that, and I do too when I do it, but we're humans and not robots. And having cat pee soaked into your bed, your pajamas, etc. with no back up can really be rough on the nerves, even though you know they're not doing it on purpose.
No one here thinks you killed your cat. As others mentioned, many people who foreclose leave their pets to die in the home, or turn them loose in the park or woods. You did not.
I hope you can take the words from the replies to heart, let yourself heal, and I hope you get back on your feet and live the life a good hearted person like you deserves.

 

[Catguilt06]

Thanks for all the replies guys and sorry I could not reply sooner. I was able to read most of them on a friend's phone but couldn't reply until I had WiFi on my own phone.

I have cried a lot sense his passing and Oreo has been comforting me. Today was the first day I smiled since his passing. I removed stormy while Oreo was sleeping and the poor cat keeps meowing for him. I know he is calling his brother because neither cat ever meows normally, like only during baths or while getting nasty medicine. Poor guy. I worry what he will do all day with no play mate but the truth is stormy quit playing months ago, probally because he was sick and I didn't realize.
I find the reply about possible blood clots interesting because I have a clotting disorder myself and am permanently on heavy blood thinners to prevent them. Perhaps we suffured the same issues without knowing.

I am just throwing myself into books and trying to come up with some way to buy a cat collar so I can start taking Oreo with me when I leave because if something happens to him too while I'm out trying to find good I don't know what I would do.

Thank you all so much, your replies have really helped me to carry on.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

I know how alone you must feel, but...YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We are here.

 

[1 bruce 1]

Yes, you are welcome here anytime my friend.
We had a cat get a blood clot once, and he was paralyzed in no time flat and he did not survive. It's a terrible thing.
They do make cat harnesses that are often safer (harder for a cat to slip out of, like a collar) and harness training is pretty easy. I would definitely look into that, I bet Oreo would love it.

 

[di and bob]

Bless you... I know better things will come for you,you are a good person with a loving heart. All the luck.....

 

[Willow's Mom]

I have an extra walking jacket (harness) and leash I could send you for Oreo if you can PM me an address. It was something like $2 on eBay via China Post, so not much money, just logistically difficult without conventional shelter.

I've also found harnesses at thrift stores. The Humane Society and another local shelter have thrift stores with sections for used pet gear.

Oreo is probably going to take to it right away. My cats always have when I lost conventional shelter, even my childhood cat, who was a senior citizen by that time.

 

[1 bruce 1]

I have an extra walking jacket (harness) and leash I could send you for Oreo if you can PM me an address. It was something like $2 on eBay via China Post, so not much money, just logistically difficult without conventional shelter.

I've also found harnesses at thrift stores. The Humane Society and another local shelter have thrift stores with sections for used pet gear.

Oreo is probably going to take to it right away. My cats always have when I lost conventional shelter, even my childhood cat, who was a senior citizen by that time.

We haven't used Baby Girls harness in ages, but she took to it when we put it on and just let her lead us wherever she wanted to go to get the feel for it.
Be prepared to get a lot of attention from people out and about while walking a cat on a leash

 

[Maria Bayote]

My heart breaks for you. Please hang in there.

And as what jefferd18 said above, you did all you could to keep your pets with you under very difficult circumstances. You did not just bail out on them like others do when faced with obstacles. And that speaks a lot about who you really are as a human being.

My prayers and hugs. Be strong.

 

[Willow's Mom]

I also found this:


that may or may not be doable, depending on your skillset and what materials are available. I would use dental floss instead of sewing thread if I were hand sewing, which would make it stronger, and the hardware store would probably have something uglier but doable for a D-ring if there isn't a fabric or craft store within reasonable walking distance.

I used figure 8 harnesses back in the day, which were easy enough to mickey mouse with rope or shoelaces, but I can't recommend them after losing my own cat, Koala.

 

[Willow's Mom]

The link didn't post, probably because it was from Facebook. If so, that's a TCS feature, not a bug, lol.

In case it was user error:


and the main pattern is here:

https://sosewlovely.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/cat-harness-pattern.pdf

and you can just type "diy walking jacket" into your search engine to find the detailed instructions on the Bengal Facebook group.