I'm so sorry in advance for how long this is inevitably going to be.
I had an account on here years ago to seek advice on a kitten and have since forgot what it was. So I had to make a new one, because this guilt has been cropping up a lot lately and I have too much anxiety over talking to people about it because I doubt they'ed 'get it'. No one in my family are super animal lovers like me. So I guess.. I just need to vent, mourn and maybe get an outside opinion.
Little bit of back story first.. There's a lot of stray and feral cats in my area and they started showing up around my house frequently because I'm a softie and started feeding them. Over the years cats have come and gone and I take care of them. I've slowly worked on getting the females I can spayed, but kittens still happen since I'm only one person. There's literally no spay/neuter programs in my area. I have no help and just do it out of pocket. I've taken in kittens that were abandoned and sick, nursed them back up and found them homes when I can. (This has led to me having a whopping 6 cats of my own living in my house lol)
Anyways way back around the end of July one of the stray cats had kittens. Later mom and the kittens vanished and I let it be and assumed she had moved them elsewhere. A week or so later I come home from work and see.. something terrible. There's two dead kittens out in my drive way. They weren't run over at all.. just dead. And there were two that were alive, but struggling. They were so little. Their eyes couldn't have been open for too long. I'd say they were maybe two weeks old? I scooped them up and took them inside and got them warmed and cleaned up. The one little black one passed away a few hours later. Yet the little grey female was stronger. I made some emergency kitten formula and she ate it and was doing well.
The next day I find another black kitten in my yard. He's strong and crawling around, but momma cat is no where to be seen. I take him inside to and see him covered what I know now were fly eggs. (fly strike) I used the flea comb to remove them and he settled down happily after with his sister. Later in the evening I find yet another survivor and bring that little black one in too. She too had all these eggs on her, but much worse. I cleaned her up with the flea comb and she was good. I now had three, extremely young kittens on my hands that I needed to care for.
I searched around outside for momma cat or any other survivors but found none. So I assumed I had them all. Between the three alive ones in my care and the three dead. That was six in total. Surely that had to be all? No...
I woke up the next day to my brother informing me they found another kitten. In disbelief I bring it inside and start to assess him/her. And then I notice it. The maggots. They were everywhere on this poor baby. In their eyes, ears, privates. It was terrible. I Have an extreme bug phobia but I did my best to try and clean them up to no avail. I'd never seen this before. I was so overwhelmed and nothing I did seemed to clean up the maggots or get rid of them. There were so many, literally all over this kitten and in the skin.
I panicked and soon realized I had no idea how to care for this baby. I couldn't find any resources online because I didn't know what I was dealing with. I was afraid of the other kittens getting sick so I kept it secluded as I desperately called every vet and shelter within a very broad area of me. I didn't have enough funds to take this kitten to a vet and none were willing to help me out or take it. All the shelters were full and any 'rescues' I had looked up were actually shut down or full and not taking anymore cats. All I could do was cry in panic as I tried to help this kitten.
The reality set in that it was too far gone and infested. It was suffering and it was crying. It's poor pained yowls were heart wrenching. I couldn't help this kitten. I didn't have the funds to take it to get proper treatment or even have it properly euthanized. (The cheapest vet I found that did it was for $85, and I just didn't have that kind of money at the time the week between pay checks.) This kitten was suffering and I felt totally helpless as it began to wither away. I couldn't do anything at all.. I felt horrible. I FEEL horrible still. So I had my uncle come and.. humanely end the kittens suffering for me.
In the end I know there was nothing I could do. I did all I could and the three babies I ended up saving are healthy now. They're getting so big and over 6 months old now! They've wiggled their way into my heart and I've kept them as inside cats, as my own. It's heartbreaking to know I had to resort to having the one kitten's suffering ended in such a way.. I feel so guilty. I failed that baby. All these months later and it still really bothers me. Haunts me even. I'll try to forget about it and it works for some time, but it always creeps back up on me. Like I question if I did the right thing. Ugh I just feel so terrible about the whole ordeal and hope no one ever has to experience this.
I had an account on here years ago to seek advice on a kitten and have since forgot what it was. So I had to make a new one, because this guilt has been cropping up a lot lately and I have too much anxiety over talking to people about it because I doubt they'ed 'get it'. No one in my family are super animal lovers like me. So I guess.. I just need to vent, mourn and maybe get an outside opinion.
Little bit of back story first.. There's a lot of stray and feral cats in my area and they started showing up around my house frequently because I'm a softie and started feeding them. Over the years cats have come and gone and I take care of them. I've slowly worked on getting the females I can spayed, but kittens still happen since I'm only one person. There's literally no spay/neuter programs in my area. I have no help and just do it out of pocket. I've taken in kittens that were abandoned and sick, nursed them back up and found them homes when I can. (This has led to me having a whopping 6 cats of my own living in my house lol)
Anyways way back around the end of July one of the stray cats had kittens. Later mom and the kittens vanished and I let it be and assumed she had moved them elsewhere. A week or so later I come home from work and see.. something terrible. There's two dead kittens out in my drive way. They weren't run over at all.. just dead. And there were two that were alive, but struggling. They were so little. Their eyes couldn't have been open for too long. I'd say they were maybe two weeks old? I scooped them up and took them inside and got them warmed and cleaned up. The one little black one passed away a few hours later. Yet the little grey female was stronger. I made some emergency kitten formula and she ate it and was doing well.
The next day I find another black kitten in my yard. He's strong and crawling around, but momma cat is no where to be seen. I take him inside to and see him covered what I know now were fly eggs. (fly strike) I used the flea comb to remove them and he settled down happily after with his sister. Later in the evening I find yet another survivor and bring that little black one in too. She too had all these eggs on her, but much worse. I cleaned her up with the flea comb and she was good. I now had three, extremely young kittens on my hands that I needed to care for.
I searched around outside for momma cat or any other survivors but found none. So I assumed I had them all. Between the three alive ones in my care and the three dead. That was six in total. Surely that had to be all? No...
I woke up the next day to my brother informing me they found another kitten. In disbelief I bring it inside and start to assess him/her. And then I notice it. The maggots. They were everywhere on this poor baby. In their eyes, ears, privates. It was terrible. I Have an extreme bug phobia but I did my best to try and clean them up to no avail. I'd never seen this before. I was so overwhelmed and nothing I did seemed to clean up the maggots or get rid of them. There were so many, literally all over this kitten and in the skin.
I panicked and soon realized I had no idea how to care for this baby. I couldn't find any resources online because I didn't know what I was dealing with. I was afraid of the other kittens getting sick so I kept it secluded as I desperately called every vet and shelter within a very broad area of me. I didn't have enough funds to take this kitten to a vet and none were willing to help me out or take it. All the shelters were full and any 'rescues' I had looked up were actually shut down or full and not taking anymore cats. All I could do was cry in panic as I tried to help this kitten.
The reality set in that it was too far gone and infested. It was suffering and it was crying. It's poor pained yowls were heart wrenching. I couldn't help this kitten. I didn't have the funds to take it to get proper treatment or even have it properly euthanized. (The cheapest vet I found that did it was for $85, and I just didn't have that kind of money at the time the week between pay checks.) This kitten was suffering and I felt totally helpless as it began to wither away. I couldn't do anything at all.. I felt horrible. I FEEL horrible still. So I had my uncle come and.. humanely end the kittens suffering for me.
In the end I know there was nothing I could do. I did all I could and the three babies I ended up saving are healthy now. They're getting so big and over 6 months old now! They've wiggled their way into my heart and I've kept them as inside cats, as my own. It's heartbreaking to know I had to resort to having the one kitten's suffering ended in such a way.. I feel so guilty. I failed that baby. All these months later and it still really bothers me. Haunts me even. I'll try to forget about it and it works for some time, but it always creeps back up on me. Like I question if I did the right thing. Ugh I just feel so terrible about the whole ordeal and hope no one ever has to experience this.
