I Feel Like My Life Is Passing Me By... (warning: Long Post About My Thoughts)

[terestrife]

I have posted in the forums before about changes that have happened in my life. My mother passed away on 10-22-16. I am 33 years old, and have made many mistakes. After my mother passed away, i've been everything i could to pick up the pieces and improve my life.

I finally got my drivers license at 32 years old, and a job.

Most days I smile, and laugh, just like i used to. Some days i feel an emptiness in my heart, and i feel myself getting filled with anger, and resentment. Its hard to explain, but there are moments that i feel like myself, i love to laugh, and tease people just to get a reaction. Most days, i feel emotionally old, and tired.

I went from caring my my mother, and my niece (i was her nanny for a few years.) Now i am living in my older sisters house, and trying to help her pick up the pieces after her husband passed away. I have moments that i enjoy life, and then i have moments where im crying in the middle of my job by myself, and on the way home.

I sometimes feel like the friendly, kind, person that i am, is just a mask to make life easier. there are moments i enjoy wearing the mask, and find some enjoyment in life.

i know this thread makes absolutely no sense. but i dont really have many people i can talk to. With my mother gone, i dont think theres anyone else that will ever truly understand me. My sister tries, but she could never take my mothers place. She doesnt understand the way that my mother did. Most days i dont want to get up and go to work. Only the need for money forces me to go, and my promise to my mother.


I feel my life passing me by. I am always there for my family, and my nieces and nephews. But i am afraid i am going to end up alone.

When my mother was here, i had the hope to at least have someone by my side that understood me, even though we fought often, we understood each other best. i always wanted to get married, and have children, but i dont believe that will ever happen for me.

I dedicate so much of my time worrying about everyone else, that i kind of feel like i'm leaving a part of myself behind.


Sorry if this post makes no sense, i just wanted to sit down and write out how i was feeling in a safe space.

 

[JamesCalifornia]

~ Howdy ! Your feelings make perfect sense . There are many who are just like you . You are definitely not alone in your situation - even though you feel that way . It's fortunate you have a good relationship with your sister as you both have a lot in common - the death of a close loved one .
You sound like you are stuck in the rut of chronic depression triggered by the death of your mother . Grief sometimes lingers for years . Depression can also be a combination of reactionary and chronic emotional imbalance .
I hope you can talk to a professional and share your feelings. A mental health social worker , psychologist or psychiatrist can help you . If you have no insurance look into Medicaid as it covers psychological issues free of charge . Look on the internet for low cost help in your area .
Many people in your situation are helped by medication ( Zoloft seems the most widely prescribed ) and talk therapy . Your own family physician can help .
Try not to feel so alone and isolated as there are many in the same situation . Remember that your mother wants you to be well and live your life peacefully .
Best wishes ...

 

[terestrife]

~ Howdy ! Your feelings make perfect sense . There are many who are just like you . You are definitely not alone in your situation - even though you feel that way . It's fortunate you have a good relationship with your sister as you both have a lot in common - the death of a close loved one .
You sound like you are stuck in the rut of chronic depression triggered by the death of your mother . Grief sometimes lingers for years . Depression can also be a combination of reactionary and chronic emotional imbalance .
I hope you can talk to a professional and share your feelings. A mental health social worker , psychologist or psychiatrist can help you . If you have no insurance look into Medicaid as it covers psychological issues free of charge . Look on the internet for low cost help in your area .
Many people in your situation are helped by medication ( Zoloft seems the most widely prescribed ) and talk therapy . Your own family physician can help .
Try not to feel so alone and isolated as there are many in the same situation . Remember that your mother wants you to be well and live your life peacefully .
Best wishes ...

Thank you for your kind words. I will look into getting help. Unfortunately I've always tried to deal with things on my own until it's impossible to do so. I think I'm more like my mother than I want to admit. Lol

Thank you for your kindness. <3

 

[cassiopea]

Agreed with the above! Stuck in a rut of depression. And you make total sense - it is a very normal reaction to a very sobering event that is loss in the family. And not only a loss, but a lot of your time was devoted to a long term caretaker role. That is a very difficult and draining position in it's own right, even for the absolute best, capable and well-intentioned people.

Definitely reach out to a professional, it'll help, and there is definitely no shame in it. It is a good time now to be selfish on behalf of yourself and make yourself better.

You are still very young, meeting a special someone and making some mini-yous is still in the horizon! Don't let outside pressures dictate anything. Love, marriage and rugrats are not just for the 20 somethings, having them later in life is not a failure and still beautifully and equally badass and wonderful.

Take your time in thinking about what new activities you can do to meet new people and assist in making you physically feel better. Any new hobbies that caught your eye? Yoga, a sports team, book club, Pilates, dance class etc Or maybe a little bit of volunteer work.

Also, I don't know about your area, but in my local towns there are actually caretaker support groups available. Maybe you can look into that also?

All the best and lot's of love And remember that you are doing great! Your journey is only starting and is only getting better!