How To Cope With The Loss Of Loved Ones?

[catowner22]

It's been a rough week for me. Not only did I find out my beloved kitty has kidney failure, but I was just informed today that my grandmother passed. It wasn't exactly an expected passing, but the possibility had been looming for several years. It's difficult to believe. All of the memories just come flooding back and you realize that's it's all behind you now.

How do you cope with the loss of someone who's been a part of your life for so many years? Someone who had a hand in raising you since childhood? Someone who's always been there?

How do you muster the will to press on, knowing that life is so fragile, so short, and so small in the grand scheme of everything? Even what we think of as being a long and happy life, is the blink of an eye. The ripple that you made through all of your hard work and strain, so tiny and so barely recognized if at all in the end. Only appreciated for the short term by the people who loved you.

Today, a part of me died. Other parts of me are still dying slowly, and painfully. Life is suffering at it's bare minimum. The struggle of life is offsetting that suffering as much as possible, until your own time is up. Sometimes that struggle just doesn't seem worth it. Anything of value is temporary, and fleeting. Life is a fatal game, and I am sad.

 

[KarenKat]

I'm so sorry to hear of your grandmother's passing (and of course the health issues of your kitty). I just lost my grandmother last month, the last of that generation in our family. Everyone processes differently, but for me if felt odd since I live across the country and would only see her on holidays. So my day-to-day life remained the same when it felt like it should have drastically changed.

I find a lot of sadness, nostalgia, love and comfort in solid objects that were owned by her. When my grandfather passed a few years ago, I was able to bring home some of his coffee mugs, baseball hats. Whenever I use these items I remember (and also miss) him. I found this to be positive for me during the grieving process.

Life is change, and death is change. When a part of you dies, it doesn't kill you. It just changes you. Deep condolences on your loss, and remember we are here for you.

 

[Furballsmom]

I'm so sorry this all happened at once for you!
I think that in time, you'll be able to honor your wonderful grandmother by remembering the terrific, love-filled times and situations. To be appreciated by people who love you is a very large thing.

Your kitty is still with you, correct? That cat needs you to be as strong as you know how to be, because your emotions impact Bubba-baby a LOT. You've been working to become educated about his issue(s) and he needs you to hang in there for him. You are stronger than you know. My heart is wrapped around you both

 

[GreyLady]

When my Grandma died, I had a really really hard time. It was the first death of someone very close to me, and she lived with us and had a big part raising me and making me who I am.

Honestly, it took several years for the feeling of absurdity to leave, and I thought for a really long time about the nature of death and life as it sounds like you are doing. For me, writing helped with this, to figure out how I felt and get out memories.

Personally, I found it very comforting and eventually came to peace with it realizing that even though death is part of life, nobody really dissapears. I thought of this threefold:
1. In science, time is often thought of as a plane like space. She will always be in those places in time, forever.
2. In nature, she is with the earth, part of the earth, part of your family, part of you, physically never ending and continuing to have parts of her changing and growing and living and giving life.
3. In religion, in spitituality, her soul goes on. All her memories are with you. If you beleive in heaven, if you believe in souls, spirits, ancestors watching over you, she's still there.

She's also a huge part of you. As you live on what she taught you and the person she was, if you don't forget it and live by it she is still there, I believe.

So it's not nothing at all, it's not ~just~ the suffering at all, even though that is a hard, hard part to accept. My grandma definately suffered and me and my mother where there to help her and heard her crying. That was really hard to terms with as far as "unfairness." Untimately, what helped me deal with this is that every second millions of people, you included, are going through things that are also euphoric. Love, kisses, smiles, playing with cats!! It's easy to overlook these highs though since they pass so easily, being enjoyable and thoughtless.

Personally, 9 years later, I still think of my Grandma and cry for missing her. I am coming to tears writing this! I don't think people get over losses of loved ones, rather they dont think of it so constantly and come to accept it. I wouldnt want her to suffer more, death ended that. There are some things in this future world Im glad she didn't live to witness, too, even though there are things I'm so sad she doesn't see, or won't see.

Your post really hit home with me, so I thought I'd share how I coped and some stuff to think about. Hope you all the peace and clarity in the world and things to make you feel better.

 

[Margret]

As my husband says, "Death means you don't have to take it anymore!" We grieve for ourselves, for our losses, not for the person who's passed.

My mother died in February of 2016. She was a wonderful, very wise woman and a fantastic mother, and not a day passes that I don't miss her. She was also an incredibly good physical therapist, the go-to person in our family for all medical issues. This February, exactly 2 years and 2 days after her death, I fell and broke my right wrist. Once I'd been to the E.R. and had it set (sort of - it still needed surgery) all I could think of was that I so much wanted to talk to the best physical therapist I've ever met, and I couldn't.

My mother was almost 97. She was ready to go, I wasn't ready to lose her. I don't believe it's possible to be "ready" to lose a parent, at least, not a good one, and it's obvious that your grandmother was filling that position in your life. I'm so very sorry for your loss. Please see this thread: Grieving. You may find it helpful. Yes, it's about the loss of a cat, but we all know that our cats are family members, so it's really about how to cope with the loss of any family member. Basically, grief is grief, no matter for whom we're grieving.

Also, please remember that TCS is a community; we're here for you whenever you need a shoulder to cry on, and we have a lot of shoulders. And because we're a world-wide community there's almost always someone here, any time, day or night.



Margret

 

[catowner22]

Appreciate the kindness, from you guys. It's just really tough right now, my heart is broken.

My grandma was very dear to us, for so many years. Grandpa died before I was ever even born, so grandma lived independently for many, many years. She used to tell me that her time on Earth was almost up, even when I was child she would say things like that. But she held on for so long, she had really good genetics and good health. Then her mind started to slip a few years ago, and she lost her independence completely, so then things started to go down hill with her health. She was 92, and recently celebrated another birthday. I guess at this point we just took it for granted and felt like she'd always be around. Yesterday, she seemed as fine as you could hope for a disabled elderly person, but then today she just went. No one really knows what happened.

I didn't visit grandma enough in these last few years, but her memory was gone. She couldn't keep track of who was coming or going, who was still alive, or where she was. It was still enjoyable to just go and have a conversation about the little things and just chat about whatever would cross her mind. She never once forgot who we were, and she could still spot me coming when I would go for a visit.

It's extremely painful for me to see my mother go through this. They were very close, for so many years. I know she's missed her dad for so long, and now her mom has passed after all this time. She went for a brief visit today after she had just passed. It kills me to think how lonesome it must feel. She doesn't really have much of anyone to turn to now, her sister lives out of state and her brother just doesn't socialize with us much. Much of the family on mom's side is already passed. Mom's health is not good, either.

I just don't know what to think, right now. It just doesn't seem right. This is really the first time I've lost someone truly dear to me. She's only been gone a matter of hours, but I already miss her.

 

[Margret]

I didn't visit grandma enough in these last few years,

Whoops! First mistake - guilt. In this circumstance, there's probably no such thing (in your mind) as "enough." It's natural to feel guilty when you've lost someone, and it's important to acknowledge your feelings, but that doesn't mean that the guilt is either rational or deserved. So, acknowledge that you feel that way, but don't accept the guilt.

It's extremely painful for me to see my mother go through this. They were very close, for so many years. I know she's missed her dad for so long, and now her mom has passed after all this time. She went for a brief visit today after she had just passed. It kills me to think how lonesome it must feel. She doesn't really have much of anyone to turn to now, her sister lives out of state and her brother just doesn't socialize with us much. Much of the family on mom's side is already passed. Mom's health is not good, either.

At least she has you nearby, or so I gather. Be there for her. It will be good for both of you.

I just don't know what to think, right now. It just doesn't seem right. This is really the first time I've lost someone truly dear to me. She's only been gone a matter of hours, but I already miss her.

That feeling of unreality is the initial "Denial" phase of grief. It takes time for your mind to wrap itself around a terrible blow like this.

"Already" missing her is perfectly normal, and you'll probably never get past that; my father died some 30 years ago, and I still miss him, and Sweet Thing (my heart kitty) died more like 34 years ago, and I still miss her. What does happen over time, if you do your grief work, is that the feelings get less intrusive; you're able to go about your everyday life without being ambushed by overwhelming grief whenever you encounter something that reminds you of your lost loved one, and you're able to remember the good times with pleasure, not just pain.

I promise you, no matter what it feels like now:

• There will still be rainbows.
• There will be people to love, and people who love you.
• As you learn to deal with your grief, and do your grief work, you will become a wiser, stronger, more compassionate human being. Doing your grief work will help to solidify the lessons you learned from your grandmother, so that her wisdom will live on in you, and that is the best memorial you could possibly create for her.

Margret