How Am I Supposed To Go On Without Her Precious Face?

[akirababe]

Friday night, she was playing with the laser pointer... She was 5 weeks pregnant and happy as could be... She'd come and cuddle me on my desk while I played games and watched shows. Then Saturday she was sleeping in the box I'd made up for her and the kittens under my desk... all day. I got worried and started watching her. I got extra soft food and mixed in some water so it was easier to consume and got her food and water intake up, since she wasn't eating or drinking, really... I lifted her into the litter box on Sunday when she stopped halfway across the room, staring at it. I took her to a walk-in vet clinic today where they ran bloodwork and found she was severely anemic with no new red cells forming, meaning either she had late-stage kidney failure or feline leukemia. A few hours later, after calling my dad to come stay with me in the room while I waited for the process to start, I watched as they injected her with a lethal dose of anesthesia. They told me she'd fall asleep and her lungs and heart would just stop... Instead something went wrong. The catheter wasn't in right, or she had a blockage. The vet didn't know what, because the saline flush went through fine. She cried out in pain and looked at me with this terror in her eyes and I felt my soul ripping in two, knowing that I'd completely failed my baby girl yet again, both in not having the money to take care of her properly, and in choosing a service that hurt her in her last moments... A quick second dose later and she finally started to settle down... The vet left her with me and I held her in my arms for 10 minutes before she came back to insert a fresh catheter and inject a, hopefully final, lethal dose... I couldn't do it anymore... I wanted to leave. I wanted to run, so I left her to die in someone else's arms, and I can't stop crying... I want her back. I want her babies to be born healthy like they were going to, I want to experience the joy of the tiny Munchkins running around and exploring, of her cuddling me on my desk and looking up at me with what I can only interpret as love in her eyes as she waited expectantly for me to nuzzle my face against her forehead... She'd close her eyes and her ears would shift into "comfort and happiness" and she'd breathe a purr of contentment and rest her head on my arm and doze with me all day... If I had to leave to use the washroom or get a drink, I'd tell her I'd be right back and she'd wait right there for me to come back and go right back to curled up in my arms. I have depression and she was my crutch... She was my lifeline, my ground. She was the reason I pushed on time and again because I knew nobody else could ever love her like I did... She was my everything.

RIP Whisper, my beautiful baby girl... We'll see each other again one day. I'll be right back, love.

 

[KatsPurrrsians]

Oh my goodness, bless your (& Whisper's) sweet soul. I'm wiping away tears as I type. No words could possibly offer you the comfort you need in a time like this. I lost my blue baby girl 6 months ago. It does get easier. I still cry a lot but I know my baby Izzy is leaping with all the joy and love in her heart as she chases butterflies in peace now, right along side of Whisper.
Allowing myself to grieve helped me immensely, however, it felt unbearable at the time.
I am so deeply sorry for your tragic loss. We are here for you... to offer any kind words when you need them most. Stay strong my friend!

 

[di and bob]

Hold on to those beautiful memories you have, focus on them during this time of sorrow. There is really nothing to say at a time like this, there can be no comfort when the soul is ripped in two and the heart is numb with shock. Time is the only thing that will help right now, allow yourself to grieve and to purge yourself of your tears. Nothing you can do will change this horrible part of your past, but you must not let it take over your life, the future holds a promise of relief. Your sweet girl would never want you to be so sad because of her, she loves you too much for that. Please try to let the sunshine back into your life as you would want for her if you were the first to go. The bond of love you have with her is spiritual, so even though the physical presence is no longer present, the love you shared will go on for eternity. She was in your life for a reason, to bring you love and happiness, what she left you as her legacy is priceless. Her presence filled your life, don't let sorrow destroy what she tried so hard to share with you. A love as strong as you shared cannot just disappear, it is a part of you now and she will parallel your journey through life until that path crosses once more in the future.
Do good things in her name, bring honor to her legacy by opening your heart to another little soul who so desperately needs someone to love. No, it will never be the same, that is not possible, but like a mother with many children, each is priceless and unique to the heart. It would distract you from your grief and force you to concentrate on the present, not the horrors of the past. She will watch over you and be by your side for the rest of your life, treasure what you shared, it would have been such a loss to have never known that little girl at all.
Please take care of yourself, share your grief so it does not overwhelm you, with those who understand what you are going through. To lose someone you love so much is a hell we all must navigate in our own way, but you are not alone and we will do what we can. It helps to talk to those who have been there........RIP beautiful Whisper, you will never be far from the heart that loves and holds you so dear, know you will never be forgotten, and please let your love be used to comfort the one who misses you so very much. Good night, sleep tight, may your dreams be full of pleasure and of the one you love so much. We here on earth mourn your leaving, the angels welcome you with open arms and soft laps.

 

[meelasmom]

I can feel your pain in your post. I am so very sorry for your loss and for what you are going through. Seems like a lot of loss since I have been here. I wish I could take our pain away..I wish I could heal all these precious babies and give them back to each of us...I wish..

 

[akirababe]

I know what you mean, Meela. So many hurting people. So many wishes for and from all of them. I wish I'd been better off financially so that money was no concern. I wish I could have told the vet, "Do whatever it takes." My soul hurts so deeply. My girl was the only living creature in this world who I shared this real and pure love with. I would have done anything for her. I regret not telling the vet to do everything and figuring out the debt later. I should have got her treatment and taken care of everything wrong with her and figured out the financing part when I wasn't stricken with worry and fear. But, as a friend keeps telling me, I could have bankrupt myself and my dad (who was trying to help me with the cost) and she still could have passed. So many tiny lives lost from my care yesterday. My heart aches for her. I see her everywhere in my room, around my house. I even swore I saw her big yellow eyes peering at me from her cube last night as I fell asleep. Maybe they were. Maybe she was visiting me. I dreamt of her after. I dreamt that she recovered from the overdose of anesthetic and was okay. Maybe she was telling me that she was fine? I hope that she visits me in my dreams again tonight... I need to be holding her again. Her kitten, Peanut... it's just not the same with him.

I had a deal with the lady who gave her to me. She took Whisper's first male munchkin kitten and told me she'd give me a male Munchkin from his line to breed with Whisper. She hasn't yet. I called her and asked her for a female instead. It would be Whisper's granddaughter. She agreed, but it'll be a while before she breeds him again.

I just... I feel so confused. Whenever anyone asked me about myself, the first thing I said was, "I breed Munchkins!" It was the happiest part of my life. It was the best thing about me. It was my passion for animals. It was my love for all living things. It was my desire to spread that love and give the sweetest creatures to the best homes. It was a plan for a future. I was going to cross in Japanese Bobs and make them short-legged. Bobbed tails, Tri-coloured, Munchkins. I was going to name them "Chibis" and register them with TICA. It all started with her. And it all died with her.

I keep trying to see the lighter side of this. To recognize that she was a beautiful creature and that every minute I was blessed to spend with her was a treasure. That in my life of abandonment and sorrow she was this beautiful bright light, golden and white and pure, and that she made me a better person. It is better to have loved and lost, right? It's just so damned painful right now. The bright gold and white light has a sharp edge to it. Maybe my eyes just need to adjust.

Thank you for your responses, and to anyone else in this forum in general; I feel your pain. I'm there with you. Wrap your arms around yourself, and that's me, hugging you from Saskatchewan, Canada. I love you, they loved you, we all love you and we're here with you and for you. As I know you all are for me in this horrible trying time. <3

 

[Mia6]

I am so very sorry about your Whisper. She was very beautiful. It will take time.
You cannot skip grieving, you just have to get through it.

Hugs,

Mia

 

[meelasmom]

You will get through this...the pain will be intense, but you will overcome it to honor Whisper's memory. It sounds like you have a lot of good ones. She knew you loved her.

Peanut still needs you and all the love you can give. There will be a void for quite sometime, but you have to be strong for the little one. Hugs to you! I wish we didn't have to go through this...it hurts so damn much.

Today is ONE MONTH since I made a fatal decision that I shouldn't have...not on that day, anyway. I will never know what could have been when there were no definite answers in front of me...only opinions. I will regret putting her down for the rest of my life. It's going to be a struggle all day for me, especially later this afternoon.