Hi, Are These Feelings Of Grief "normal"?

[disgruntledmedic]

Hi all, new here.
Had a black stray tomcat hanging around the last couple of months, long story short, trapped him last night and took him to be desexed this morning.

He was 18 months old, and not completely feral, as in once trapped he didnt hiss at me, just meowed quietly. I got the impression he was pretty laid back in nature over the past month, as although I couldn't touch him, he rubbed trees etc and curled his tail when I talked to him. Our one cat, also a rescued polydactyl stray, was less than impressed with the newcomer, and made it his mission in life to bug the hell out of this new cat.

Anyway. This morning whilst waiting at the vet to discuss the procedure and risks, this stray was rubbing my fingers through the cage..so I felt proud and happy! I thought he can live with us if he is a nice cat fixed up. Really shiny coat, gentle cat.

But..vet rang an hour later. Really bad gums and teeth. I told them to test for feline aids which was negative, but they said he teeth and mouth would need ongoing care throughout his life, and would be painful for him. Hinted at a cost of $2000 approx to remove all teeth. (New Zealand very expensive)

So I painfully decided to get him put to sleep.

I couldn't have dealt with the ongoing worry of this, plus he is a stray, and may wander off to to another home/area and be in pain all his life. I'm wondering if he was quiet and not interested in fighting, as he felt sore/ill.

I was genuinely thinking of this cats well being and comfort, and selfishly didn't want to have the worry and expense of it.

Now I can't stop crying, and feel REALLY guilty, like I have taken this cats life, which I have.

I'm an ambulance medic, and to be harsh and blunt, I couldn't care less when people are dying or majorly ill..a lot of it is lifestyle choices, drug abuse, and ignorance. But this poor cat just had a rough deal, let down by humans in the first place by not being loved and desexed.

Was a hard and heartbreaking decision..have i done the right thing? Should I feel this heartbroken over a stray cat? This has hit me hard, and a 50y.o man shouldn't get this upset?

Would love to hear what you think, but please no flaming, I genuinely was thinking of the poor cats future life, didnt want him to be in pain, and with the inability to nourish himself properly or wash himself due to this I felt he would be better off put to sleep.

Thanks guys.

 

[SunflowerCat]

Euthenizing an animal can be hard for anybody and many do feel guilty as if they made the wrong decision. I had to put a kitten down a few months ago and felt that way but in the end, there weren't many options, or any that would help the little guy for that matter, so with the advice of the vet and thinking of his life in the long term, I had him put to sleep. I cried for days after and feel a lot like you do. Just because you're in a field where you see people die a lot doesn't make you immune to death. Even vets sometimes cry when they euthenize an animal and it's part of their job!

Sometimes people don't have the resources to get their cat the care it needs or there isn't anyone who can help, and other times, there's just nothing anyone can do even with all the money in the world. Yes, there are cats that live just fine without their teeth but there are also a lot that don't get to. Nasty gum and tooth problems can make a cat VERY sick sometimes.

I honestly think that you did it with the best intentions. It sounds like you considered his quality of life and cost of future care. Even though you think it was selfish of you to consider the money aspect, please don't blame yourself too much. I know that there are times that even when a pet can be helped, owners have to make the hard decision because they can't afford it and at the end of the day, it would be what's best if treatment isn't an option. I think in some cases, it is better to have an animal put to sleep before it suffers to greatly rather than wait until it's aching in misery nonstop or unable to move. It varies by circumstance. You gave him lots of love and cared enough to bother with bringing him in to get desexed while there are lots of people who wouldn't have given the cat a second thought cause he was a stray. Just talking to him and being willing to take him to the vet to help him is a wonderful gift to have given the little guy.

Please feel free to vent your frustrations here, there are many of us who know exactly what you are going though!

 

[Furballsmom]

There are guesses as to why this happens, but you're not the only one of either men or women to have a cat, and the death of that cat, be the absolute worst thing emotionally they've ever had to deal with.
However, given the vet's comments about the painful mouth situation, and as mentioned regarding your compassion in caring for him, yes, you did give him an enormous gift of food and love, and a release from a painful future.
Bless you for that.
Do give yourself a break, you are grieving for him, his situation and for yourself, for a lost future. Love on your indoor kitty, he apparently isn't grieving much at all

 

[disgruntledmedic]

Thank you guys, I realised later today its all normal..but its overwhelming to start with.
I feel better with the decision now, but angry that people choose to have pets and not get them desexed. He is the fourth stray I've caught and had desexed, he was put down, two were given away to families, and the other one, well he is spread out in the sun like King Tut right now. Typical cat.

He isn't allowed inside by the wifes orders..one pat and kind word, and he starts dribbling non stop..saliva shoestrings pretty quickly..all over the leather couch, carpet and wherever he goes! I'm sure I could hire him out as a mobile irrigation plant sometimes. But he was an outside stray so he is happy out there..sleeping in the sun somewhere, and rubbing his scent over every plant on the property. He will be under no stress now, since there is no competition for the cuddles and catmint plants!

I guess I'm just a sucker, but also happy that I have helped some poor kitties live a better life.
Thanks for your thoughts, helps to put it all 'in place' for me.

 

[Megsnan]

Sounds like he had stomatitis. A full mouth extraction would have been necessary and even then there’s no guarantee that he wouldn’t have mouth ulcers and be in constant significant pain. A lot of kitties starve to death from this because eating is just too painful. You made the right decision for the cat, try to take some comfort in that.

 

[di and bob]

With out your bringing him in, he would have declined to a painful and long, hard, slow death. I know it breaks your heart, but as my husband is constantly telling me, "you can't save them all, no matter how much you want to". He was so grateful for your love and attention that it made it that much harder to come to the decision you did, but if you think in reality and not with your heart, you did him a great service and saved him from a life of confusion, starvation and unending pain. It's hard to see right now because of the grief that brings all the doubts and all those should haves, could haves. Don't go there. Concentrate on the goodness that sweet boy brought into your life, even if for a short while. It brings nothing but heartache to dwell on the end and changes nothing.Make a small donation to your local shelter or to the vet's office in his name to be used for medical procedures that people can't afford. It would make you feel a little better about yourself and may start more people thinking about it. It brings some good into something so tragic.
I have walked in your shoes, I know the pain of ending a life that should have turned out so different. It haunts your dreams and makes the world a little darker. It is a little easier when the ones who go are elderly and have lived a good life. when it is a natural end to a life well lived. But it is impossible for us to comprehend a life that ends with the young and the gentle. But life goes on and is for the living. None of us are guaranteed a tomorrow and we all must find joy and happiness in each and every day that is allowed to us. And send these thoughts of happiness to those who have gone before us. not tears and sorrow. Because they love us and want only the best in our lives, just as we would want for them. So I pray you can find peace in your heart because you ended pain, and time will help to lessen the sharp edges of grief. My heart grieves for what you are going through, I will pray fro you both. Take care my friend, you did nothing wrong because what you did you did out of love.
RIP beautiful boy. You will never be forgotten, you will forever hold a secure place in a loving heart.May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[les26]

This was a very tough spot to be in. You showed love and compassion and care and got your hopes up only to have them crash down and also felt "guilty" about it which of course is normal.

To put it into context so you can relate, I am a male going on 58 years old who has 9 cats but also is called "the saver of bugs" as I can't hurt anything even ants or flies or spiders and all, I feel the same guy who put me here put them here so who am I to squash them and end their life, so I always trap them in cups and take them outside and wish them well lol! But there are times, especially with trying to get fast moving ants inside the little Dixie cup, that I will inadvertently injure them, and most times I can't believe it happened and have to decide if I should "play God" and put them out of their misery which after observing them for awhile I do, and believe it or not I do feel badly about it. So for you to be in the same boat almost (you didn't injure the cat) I understand and it is tough, but the point is we both TRIED TO HELP and cared, and they all are just fine now, they know we didn't intentionally try to end their lives it just played out that way. And perhaps in your case, the reason this kitty came into your life was so that someone could take him to a vet to see how badly he was and how awful his life would have been so that the proper thing could be done. It reminds me of the story of someone seeing so much suffering and the person asking God "why is this happening, why can't you do something to help them?" and God's reply is "I did do something, I made you".

I am sure that the vet knew what they were doing, but it seems like almost every single time me or someone else takes cats to the vet they always push for dental work. A woman at work who has about 37 cats on a farm swears they at times just push for it to make money off it, I also wonder. But in your case I don't think that is the case, I would think they were very upfront and honest about it knowing your situation. But I also had to have one of our cats Simba caught by a woman in a net years ago so we could take him to the vet because he was drooling and not acting right and it turned out he hardly had any teeth left and the ones he had were bad so they pulled some and he only had 1 left, and who knows that one might've fallen out now too! But he was in bad shape, so we did the right thing and it sounds like you did too. It is always so tough to have to "play God", and even though this wasn't a cat that you had for years inside with you you still grew attached which shows your huge heart!

You were in a very tough spot my friend, but as time goes by and this settles you will know that you did the best thing for the cat albeit a very tough choice on your part, but it is fine now, just fine, and one day you will meet again and he will say "thank you for what you did for me all those years ago".

God Bless......

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Sweet Stray Boy, dream you deep. You are forever remembered.

Yes, your feelings of guilt are perfectly normal, but...they are misplaced. Faced with a harsh decision, you acted in the best interests of that poor cat. I promise you that he would welcome euthanasia if you could have explained that it was that, or a long, slow, and painful death as his teeth got so bad he could no longer eat, and infection from them ravaged his body. You did EVERYTHING you could for this boy, up to and including helping him take the last steps on this journey, and the first ones on his New Adventure. You did very well, indeed. Thank you.