had an argument with my bf (vent)

[ut0pia]

Am I totally out of line here?? I got upset today because he kept interrupting our conversation on the phone to talk to his roommate. That was just one instance when this happened and I just couldn't take it anymore, because I feel like his roommate is always there, they are never separate. They have been roommates since December and to me, living with a roommate means that you each have your personal space, and you occasionally spend time together whenever you feel like being social in your living room...Well that's far from how they do things- Josh (BF) has all of his things in the living room which is their shared space, and has literally nothing except for a bed and a closet in his bedroom...So he spends ALL of his time with his roommate..Does that seem normal???? I don't know why it seems really odd to me, as if they are more than just roommates...I mean, I get that they are also friends but still, it's strange...
It has come to a point where I can't stand it. And my BF and I have huge communication issues, whenever I try to talk to him about an issue we have, he starts trying to make it seem like there's been something that has been bothering him for a really long time too and he changes the subject....
I don't know; I feel like he calls me all the time to vent to me, but I never get a chance to vent to him

Sometimes, I call him because I've had a bad day, I'm upset and just want to vent, but before I get a chance to say anything I'm listening to him talking about something else that I couldn't care less about at the moment, like how he had to fix some computer at work or the conversation he had with a co worker...I just feel kind of frustrated..
I care about him too much to break up, we've been through that so I really don't want to even consider that, but I don't know what to do...This has been happening for a while now and I just let everything go, unfortunately it doesn't go away....

 

[cococat]

No more phone. Time for in face chats together, away from the apartment.

 

[natalie_ca]

Sounds to me like you are both young.

He's young and egocentric which is not unusual for a young man. So it's not surprising that everything revolves around him and his life.

Guys like to stick together and do that male bonding stuff, especially when they are young.

To be honest, until he grows up some more, you don't stand a chance with him. He has his priorities....him, his life and his friends/roommate: You come in last.

If that is the type of relationship you want, then by all means stick with it. But you deserve so much more than some guy who places you last in life, even though you say you love him. You deserve someone who places you first in his life and treats you with respect and courtesy and wants to be around you sometimes too, both in group and alone settings.

You obviously don't have that with this guy.

The ball is in your court. But remember, we teach others how to treat us. And how others treat us is greatly influenced by the way we see
ourselves.

Check this link to learn about building up your self-esteem so that you can see that you are worthy of much more than what you have with him.

http://www.successfultherapymatters....elf_esteem.pdf
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[kailie]

Awww hun, I'm sorry and I know exactly how you feel...

Relationships shouldn't be one sided. If you have told him your concerns and he isn't willing to work on the things that bother you, is that something you can live with forever? If not, life is FAR too short to be wasting your time. Sending vibes that things work out, but if they don't please know that you're worth better.

 

[3catsn1dog]

Id def have a face to face conversation with him and let him know how you feel.

I have a hard time talking to BF also, we have been together for 2 1/2 yrs and been friends for 6. When we were just friends it was easy to talk to him but now that theres more involved in talking its like I get a case of crazy nerves and worry about making him mad, getting into an arguement and all that 'fun' relationship stuff. I find it best to just treat the whole thing like a bandaid. Do it and do it fast.

I just start off saying I need to talk to him but not to get mad and let me finish so I can get it all out and once I spew its like a breath of fresh air and I feel better and he ends up feeling better because he knows whats bothering me and from there we both can work on fixing it.

I hope things get better between you two!

 

[fifi1puss]

Sometimes men have a "tune-out" kinda brain. He just hasn't learned yet how to "tune-in" and listen to how a woman communicates. If you can't get anywhere by having a face to face I would write it down. He may be able to process what you are saying better that way and it may help you keep the emotional tone on an even keel which can get out of control face to face because you are really hurt and those emotions are bound to surface and instead of hearing you all he is going to see/hear is the raw emotions and possibly shut down because he doesn't know how to handle it.

Just remember what you write can come back to haunt you. So try not to put the blame anywhere just express "I" statements. "This is how I feel when...", etc. Not, "When YOU do this..." Hopefully he will feel badly you feel badly and try to keep your feelings in mind.

 

[goldenkitty45]

I agree with the above, you guys need much more face to face time. Is this a long distance thing? Or how often do you physically see each other?

Long distance is very hard (hubby and I dated LD for 18 months) But if its not working out between you and both of you are not addressing and resolving the issues, maybe you need to re-evaluate things.

He needs to set bounderies with his roommate when he's on the phone; otherwise its not far to either of you.

 

[keycube]

Sounds like you've driven him gay!

Ah, but seriously. I saw a movie the other day starring the lovely Michelle Trachtenberg, in which her fiance suffers a spinal injury and is paralyzed. She goes through a myriad of "finding herself" moments, basically creating a whole different life elsewhere, only to find that she can't run from her past, and realizes that she needs to be "home".

None of that synopsis was of much use to you, but the one quote that was interesting is when she returns home, the (still paralyzed) ex asks her if she thought they would have got married. She says no, and he nods and comments that he thinks he knows why: Because they ran out of secrets.

The Honeymoon is over, and you've entered into a different, more utilitarian phase of the relationship. Do you think both of you have made that transition?

This bugs me, though:

Originally Posted by ut0pia

I care about him too much to break up, we've been through that so I really don't want to even consider that, but I don't know what to do...This has been happening for a while now and I just let everything go, unfortunately it doesn't go away....

I got married at a young age because there was "nowhere left to go in the relationship" and I'd "invested so much time and emotion". Those aren't good reasons.

Do the right thing: Become a hermit for 20 years, drown yourself in cats, and anxiously await the coming apocalypse, like myself. Okay, don't do that, but at least give your situation some serious thought from a bit more detached vantage point.