Getting over a loss

[Catsmother70]

When my cat suddenly died 3 weeks ago our world fell apart. How are we meant to get over the loss? He was so loving and affectionate. Over 3 weeks later and it still hurts. Would give anything to have him back.

I miss him so much. Thought about getting another cat but feel guilty even thinking about it.

 

[Furballsmom]

Hello-this loss is often worse than any other we experience

There are two things I can offer that might help a small bit. This is from a TCS member, Margret;

I did the thing that I wish I’d thought of in the first place; I went to the library and searched for a book about grieving. The very first book that I found (and I’m sorry that I no longer remember either the title or the author so I’m unable to give credit where it’s due) had a whole chapter about grieving for pets, and it gave three rules or principles for grieving a pet (or anyone else). Here they are:

1. It hurts as much as it hurts. There is no right or wrong about how much the loss of a pet "should" hurt. The fact is that our pets are family members; they aren’t “just” anything; and anyone who says “It was just a cat” is demonstrating a gross lack of understanding. And the loss of a family member should be painful.
2. It takes as long as it takes. There is no set period of time within which grieving should end, not for the loss of a parent, or a child, or a spouse, or a friend, or a pet. Some people do their grieving quickly; others of us take longer, and it’s important to take whatever time you need to complete your grieving. And remember, this is still a family member we’re talking about. People who say “It’s already been six months; don’t you think it’s time you got over the death of your cat?” would never think of saying “It’s already been six months; don’t you think it’s time you got over the death of your mother?” No, I’m not saying that your cat was as important to you as your mother. I am saying that grief doesn’t always make that kind of fine distinction, and if you expect it to do so you’re going to be seriously confused and hurt.
3. The only way to the other side of grief is straight through the middle. There are no shortcuts, no bypasses. Any attempt to cut the process short, or avoid it altogether, merely ensures that you will never complete it.

Our pets make a place for themselves in our hearts, and when they pass it leaves a hole behind. In many ways, the loss of a pet is an amputation; a part of ourselves has been removed, and we will never get that part back. But we have options about how to deal with the loss. If we acknowledge the wound and take proper care of it then it can heal cleanly, and eventually it gets better. There will always be a cat-shaped hole in our hearts, but the time comes when we can remember the cat who made that hole with more affection than pain, when his or her life is once again more important to us than her or his death. But if we try to pretend that we haven’t been wounded, if we cover it up and avoid grieving, we keep the wound from healing properly. It isn’t grief that’s toxic (though it’s certainly painful) but the attempted denial of grief. That puts a huge strain on both our minds and our bodies and leaves us vulnerable both to clinical depression, like I suffered from, and to all of the physical ills that can be caused or exacerbated by stress.

This post isn’t really about Sweet Thing, because it isn’t about her life; this post is about grieving, and I’m putting it here so that others can learn from my errors and avoid some of the added pain that I went through. I hope it helps.

And, there is this...

Thought about getting another cat but feel guilty even thinking about it.

I will lend to you a kitten, God said,
for you to love while it lives, and mourn when it's dead.
Maybe for 12 or 14 years, or maybe 2 or 3,
but will you, 'till I call them back, take care of them for me?
They'll bring their charms to gladden you, and should their stay be brief,
you'll always have their memories as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise they will stay for all from Earth return,
but there are lessons taught below I want this kitten to learn.

I've looked the whole world over in search of teachers true,
and from the folk's that crowd life's land I have chosen you.
Now will you give it all your love, nor think the labor vain?
Nor hate me when I come to take my kitten home again?
My heart replied, "My Lord, Thy Will Be Done",
for all the joys this kitten brings the risk of grief I'll run.
We'll shelter it with tenderness, we'll love it while we may,
And for the happiness we've known, forever grateful stay.
But should you call it back much sooner than we planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.
If by our love we've managed your wishes to achieve,
Then in memory of it whom we loved, please help us while we grieve.
When our cherished kitten departs this world of strife,
Please send yet another needing soul for us to love all it's life.

Author Unknown

 

[FeebysOwner]

It just takes time. There is no easy answer or solution, and everyone handles it differently. My cat (Feeby) is nearing the end, not sure when, but it is happening. I had to move a litter box closer to where she prefers to stay, and even checking her old litter box, just in case she might have by chance used it sometime overnight, gives me such sadness. There are never any 'deposits' left there anymore...

I lost my first cat to FIP at age 15 and it was devastating. I could not have fathomed finding a kitten outside my garage door on the very same day Tawny went to sleep. I didn't turn her (Gracie) away and she did bring me much joy. But it wasn't a choice specifically made by me to get another cat - if she had not just shown up. When Gracie passed at 12 from cancer, I did not choose to get another cat and two years passed - then another cat just showed up, that being Feeby.

I don't regret the way things happened that brought any of these cats to me (Tawny was also a 'show up'). Time and circumstances will tell you what to do.

In the meantime, focus your thoughts on all the time you did get to spend with your cat and relish in those memories. I can't do justice compared to what Furballsmom offered, so I will stop by just saying .

 

[Mighty Orange]

Give it time, eventually you will get another fur ball to share your love with. Please never stop bringing them into your life. So many cats looking for a loving home, each has a different personality. I have shared my life with 12 cats. I do not regret a single one. All had different personalities.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Sweet Friend, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

We do not "get over" the loss of a loved one, no matter how many legs they had (or did not have). We "get through." The loss, with time, is not so raw and tearing, but it is always there. Because we still love. So, this is the Deepest Truth I know, that love never dies. It is translated and purified into Love, and continues on. And your precious boy, from his new home in That Place Where All Things Are Known, blesses you, and he sends his Love for you back to walk with you down through all your days. Because Love abides. Always, forever, Love abides.

Should, when some time has passed, you decide to bring another cat into your life, your boy will not be jealous. Why should he be? This possible new cat will never take HIS place in your heart, it will build its own place, and have its own love, separate and complete. We do not love a first child less if a second is born, after all. Each love has its own home in our hearts, and the more we love, the more love we have. No, your boy will rejoice if you honor his memory by loving another.

 

[di and bob]

I agree, you never get over losing someone you love, you work through it and forge a new life's order. Grieving is complicated and is ALWAYS accompanied by guilt, no matter how old or how sick the loved one was. You think you can prepare, but that never happens. Not one of us is perfect. There is always something we think of that we wished we would have done differently. I have found after grieving over so many deaths in so many years, your sadness will turn eventually into gratitude for having them in your life. Eventually, sometimes many years down the road. Not one of us is guaranteed a tomorrow. That is why you should not dwell on the death, but celebrate the life. "Do not cry because it is over, smile because it happened."
Milo will always be close, love is spiritual, so eternal. Truly, since he gave you one of this world's greatest gifts, a cat's love, he would love nothing more than to have you continue the legacy he left you and open your hearts to another little soul. Love does not demand you love only them and never love again, it wants you to be happy. Go forward into the future and live it as you would want for him if YOU were the first to go. Seeking life's beauty and happiness.

 

[Mia6]

statuary

 

[emocatowner]

There was a quote I read that really helped me, it went something like "grief is love with nowhere to go, it pools in your throat and leaks through your eyes"

I lost my old dude earlier this year. He had a long battle with CKD, hyperthyroidism, anemia, stroke, pancreatitis etc and we gave him a good quality of life through it all, working closely with the vet. Then he developed cancer on top of it all, and the vet said there really isn't anything else to do, so we put him to sleep. We would have done anything to keep him alive for even a few more days, but there was nothing.

The next day, we called a local shelter to schedule an appointment and meet some kitties, and a few days later, I got my current gals. I haven't replaced him, no cat will ever replace him. There will always be a hole in my heart that nothing can ever fill. But what he taught me is that I am capable of giving a cat a darn good life, and that I always want to have cats around. And I am honoring his memory by having more cats. He was such a sweet and gentle kitty, I bet he'd be happy knowing other cats are making good use of all his old stuff.

I lost another cat this year. One of the cats was pregnant, there were complications, she had a c-section, only one kitten survived, and she wanted nothing to do with him, so we had to bottle feed him. He was thriving for 16 days, eating well, purring, being the best little kitten! We had such big plans for him! But it turned out he had an umbilical cord infection from the hospital, a ticking time bomb that didn't really show any signs until it went septic. It hit even harder when losing him, we thought he'd be ok after he reached his 2 week mark doing so well, he had much better odds. With the old dude it was a bit easier, we knew it was coming, even though we'd hoped for more time, but with the little guy, we had 20 years worth of plans that will never happen.

Now we foster in his honor. He taught us that we do have the time and energy to do what it takes for little kittens like him. He showed us how wonderfully rewarding it is to see a kitten grow and thrive. We learned so much from caring for him, and got so many supplies that we couldn't bear to give away. When the rescue called and said that there were a momma cat and kittens who would be put to sleep by a bigger shelter unless a foster is found, we couldn't say no. And having a bunch of kittens, only a little bigger than our baby was when he passed, has really helped heal. I can actually look at pictures of him without crying!

If you feel ready for another cat, and feel more eagerness than pain at the thought of having them around, getting to know them, finding out all the ways in which they're different from your old kitty etc, then please don't feel guilty. Go get someone to pour all that love into!

 

[di and bob]

what a beautiful way to show your love and get through grief, wonderful!