Emptiness

[skylerlark]

I feel as if I'm being a botherer and a bore. My beloved Binx passed on the 25th August. I have nowhere to share my grief but here. I live alone in Thailand. I'm sure I'm not alone in this situation. I feel so sad. Despite several very comforting signs (spotted a video on pet loss where the speaker said the cat may appear as an outline or a shadow. The shadow is exactly what I saw passing in front of my monitor the day he passed, along with several other signs that day. I'm positive it wasn't a 'grief hallucination'. I'm one of those who is stoic at first and then the dam breaks. And despite a vision of my long deceased mother appearing as if in a 1950's (she would have been around as a young woman then) fashion catalogue sketch, her presence was very real, being with me for the first three days, and I'm pretty sure it was she who placed Binx under my arm in the early hours of the morning when it's still dark here with a quick transition of a scene of Bink tucking into a bowl of wet food (he had CKD and like most it was hard to get him to eat at all) in a vignette. Many years ago she told me a cousin suffering a brain tumour appeared to her in the same way and asked if she should tell her brother he was going to be alright, and whether they might find her bonkers if she told them as the image in the vignette was of a young man and my cousin then a child. The grief for Binx abated a bit, but has now exploded. I don't have anyone to talk with about it. I'm sure I'm not alone in this 'oh not the bloody cat again ..' So, thank you for letting me post here. I've spent my whole life with cats, but he was very special to me and I can't bear the thought of getting another. Thanks for your time. I feel so hopeless and can see no light at the end of it. Since I built this house, my husband passed just two years later, then all three rescue dogs of CKD, and now Binx. Someone told me the house was 'jinxed'. I'm inclined to agree. I've always called it the Albaschloss. Thank you for allowing me to share my misery.

 

[di and bob]

This is the place to go. We all understand everything you have said and feel, we have stood in your shoes and know the emptiness and the pain personally. Grief goes in cycles. I always likened it to the sea, placid and beautiful, calming, with gentle rolling swells that rock you in their arms. then WHAM! A tsunami of emotions and sadness engulfs you and drowns you in their overwhelming relentlessness. The tides of grief come and go. For me, i had to purposely compartmentalize them and distract myself with life's ever-changing flow. It is always there, I had to learn how to manage it, and for everyone it is different. Of course, even ten years later I can vividly recall that day as if it was now, feel the crush on my soul, the tears in my eyes. but then I remember my Chrissy is always with me, she always will be. She would never want me to be so sad. Because love should never hurt, it should bring love and happiness.
Of course, there will always be people who will tell you to get over it, because love, and grief, is personal. It is YOUR love, YOUR grief. No one else in the whole world can ever understand it or feel what you feel except you.
I'm sure yoru mother's 'essence' was with you, mothers always try to comfort their children when they are hurting. She was showing you that your beloved Binx was whole and healthy once more, eating and enjoying himself. (though the 'eating' was for your comfort, he no longer needs earthly sustenance.)
You are NOT alone, we are here with you in spirit. we can empathize with the huge hole in your heart and life. I can tell you, because for me it took years, that time is the only thing that helps. time can soothe your soul, dull the sharp edges of grief, start to mend and fill in that huge void. There is no shortcuts, no easy way, no manual on how to get through this. Just get through every day and know in time your pain will turn into gratitude for having that precious boy in your life. But it takes time, one day at a time.........

 

[Mia6]

I am so sorry about Binx. May he rest in peace

love
Mia

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Binx, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

Very few of us would question the things that you have seen. Many of us have experienced similar things. Here's the Deepest Truth that I know, that love does not die, it is translated and purified into Love, and continues on. And Binx has sent his Love back to you, to walk with you down through all of your days. Because Love abides. Always, forever, Love abides. He is with you still.

Now, for a couple of practical things. That's a lot of CKD in one household. Perhaps you should get your water tested. Just a thought. Also, there is a strong, almost universal, belief that sage removes "bad things" from the home. Perhaps you can order a smudge stick, and smudge your home. If it's a bunch of malarkey, you certainly haven't hurt a thing, but if it is true, you might just make your home a much brighter, lighter place to live. Sage bundles are not expensive, so it might be worth a shot.

Regardless, you are always welcome here to share your pain. That's what having a community is all about. We are here, we are with you, across the miles.

 

[FeralHearts]

S skylerlark I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Talk about Binx as much as you want. Share your pain with us, your memories with us.. pictures if you would like. We'll be happy to listen. Most of us have been where you are and those who haven't yet, will sadly be there one days themselves.

We get it.

It's a safe place to talk.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

 

[skylerlark]

This is the place to go. We all understand everything you have said and feel, we have stood in your shoes and know the emptiness and the pain personally. Grief goes in cycles. I always likened it to the sea, placid and beautiful, calming, with gentle rolling swells that rock you in their arms. then WHAM! A tsunami of emotions and sadness engulfs you and drowns you in their overwhelming relentlessness. The tides of grief come and go. For me, i had to purposely compartmentalize them and distract myself with life's ever-changing flow. It is always there, I had to learn how to manage it, and for everyone it is different. Of course, even ten years later I can vividly recall that day as if it was now, feel the crush on my soul, the tears in my eyes. but then I remember my Chrissy is always with me, she always will be. She would never want me to be so sad. Because love should never hurt, it should bring love and happiness.
Of course, there will always be people who will tell you to get over it, because love, and grief, is personal. It is YOUR love, YOUR grief. No one else in the whole world can ever understand it or feel what you feel except you.
I'm sure yoru mother's 'essence' was with you, mothers always try to comfort their children when they are hurting. She was showing you that your beloved Binx was whole and healthy once more, eating and enjoying himself. (though the 'eating' was for your comfort, he no longer needs earthly sustenance.)
You are NOT alone, we are here with you in spirit. we can empathize with the huge hole in your heart and life. I can tell you, because for me it took years, that time is the only thing that helps. time can soothe your soul, dull the sharp edges of grief, start to mend and fill in that huge void. There is no shortcuts, no easy way, no manual on how to get through this. Just get through every day and know in time your pain will turn into gratitude for having that precious boy in your life. But it takes time, one day at a time.........

Thank you for your beautifully worded post. I knew it was a sign he was happy and healthy at last, even though it, to me, was a shock at such a young age (around 9 or 10, animals don't appear to live long in Thailand, no matter how well cared for. Even 12 is considered 'old'). I am also aware my deep grief of his sudden demise, given he looked so big and strong, was a complete shock I know I'll never get over, even given his many blood awful blood tests at various vets.

He'd been administered the Aceta Iv before I'd even noticed, and the the local vet gave him a 'pain pill' for his 'sore throat', which saw him off with instructions to me to immediately infuse him with Lactate, whereby he let out a loud yowl (I'd come across a dog doing the same in his parent's arms, just before passing at home, so not uncommon) and ran for the entrance doors. He stretched out full length, as cats do when relaxing, (don't know if this was a reflex) but his eyes had turned from bright green to a nicotine yellow, his gums sticky and wet Which was when I'd called my neighbour to quickly return him to the clinic. We lifted him into his basket, I knew he was gone. The vet who had given him the pill tried heart massage, to no avail.

Just this morning I dropped off in front of my monitor expecting to see him in his chair, as usual. next to my desk, on his back with his paws and tail tucked up underneath him, which sent me back to the JD I'd recently bought to numb the pain.

If I were able to get out of the house/country for a bit would help but circumstances don't allow right now. And anyway, just a return from me local grocer, realising he won't be there to greet me, brings on the deep sadness once again. Before this, I kept my necessary trips as short as I could just to come back to him again. He lit up my heart. Thanks again

 

[skylerlark]

Rest you gentle, Binx, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

Very few of us would question the things that you have seen. Many of us have experienced similar things. Here's the Deepest Truth that I know, that love does not die, it is translated and purified into Love, and continues on. And Binx has sent his Love back to you, to walk with you down through all of your days. Because Love abides. Always, forever, Love abides. He is with you still.

Now, for a couple of practical things. That's a lot of CKD in one household. Perhaps you should get your water tested. Just a thought. Also, there is a strong, almost universal, belief that sage removes "bad things" from the home. Perhaps you can order a smudge stick, and smudge your home. If it's a bunch of malarkey, you certainly haven't hurt a thing, but if it is true, you might just make your home a much brighter, lighter place to live. Sage bundles are not expensive, so it might be worth a shot.

Regardless, you are always welcome here to share your pain. That's what having a community is all about. We are here, we are with you, across the miles.

Thank you. I have my own well, just as most others do here. So nothing to do with the water. I'd researched causes and really, no one knows (Tanya's website and many others). One vet asked me if I had 'blue lily flowers'. I had one once, but it was in my large Koi pond and no way would he have gone in there. There was only a single pot anyway). They appear to look up possible causes, with no solid evidence of causation (because there really isn't one detectable as yet), here. They are taught by rote. Don't bring children up in Thailand.

A friend in the UK half jokingly mentioned the 'jinx'. Id had a near fatal car crash on the way back from cremating my husband the first night (New Year's) of the temple rites, then a mixed English/Thai couple had kidnapped me from a local hospital and had tried to sell my house, under the guise of 'caring for my dogs' thirteen years ago. After which my accountant borrowed against my title deeds 0o. Ten years it took to drag them all through the courts and I won. Never give up.

As to the sage, too late now. I've nothing left to lose. But thanks for the suggestion.

 

[skylerlark]

S skylerlark I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Talk about Binx as much as you want. Share your pain with us, your memories with us.. pictures if you would like. We'll be happy to listen. Most of us have been where you are and those who haven't yet, will sadly be there one days themselves.

We get it.

It's a safe place to talk.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Thank you. I've found the best people are on pet sites and in vet waiting rooms. Personally, I can't wait to be where he and all the other of my lovely companion animals are. No sadness for me, just interminable sadness for those of us left behind.

My favourite pic of Binx

 

[Mamanyt1953]

What a gorgeous boy he was, is, and always will be.

 

[FeralHearts]

S skylerlark That is a beautiful picture of him. Belly up, such trust. Thank you for sharing him with us.

 

[skylerlark]

This is the place to go. We all understand everything you have said and feel, we have stood in your shoes and know the emptiness and the pain personally. Grief goes in cycles. I always likened it to the sea, placid and beautiful, calming, with gentle rolling swells that rock you in their arms. then WHAM! A tsunami of emotions and sadness engulfs you and drowns you in their overwhelming relentlessness. The tides of grief come and go. For me, i had to purposely compartmentalize them and distract myself with life's ever-changing flow. It is always there, I had to learn how to manage it, and for everyone it is different. Of course, even ten years later I can vividly recall that day as if it was now, feel the crush on my soul, the tears in my eyes. but then I remember my Chrissy is always with me, she always will be. She would never want me to be so sad. Because love should never hurt, it should bring love and happiness.
Of course, there will always be people who will tell you to get over it, because love, and grief, is personal. It is YOUR love, YOUR grief. No one else in the whole world can ever understand it or feel what you feel except you.
I'm sure yoru mother's 'essence' was with you, mothers always try to comfort their children when they are hurting. She was showing you that your beloved Binx was whole and healthy once more, eating and enjoying himself. (though the 'eating' was for your comfort, he no longer needs earthly sustenance.)
You are NOT alone, we are here with you in spirit. we can empathize with the huge hole in your heart and life. I can tell you, because for me it took years, that time is the only thing that helps. time can soothe your soul, dull the sharp edges of grief, start to mend and fill in that huge void. There is no shortcuts, no easy way, no manual on how to get through this. Just get through every day and know in time your pain will turn into gratitude for having that precious boy in your life. But it takes time, one day at a time.........

(though the 'eating' was for your comfort, he no longer needs earthly sustenance.) Just to add, I already understood that. But it was very comforting just the same. For those of us still in the 'hole', opened up to this this morning, very interesting and the proceeds of her book go to her animal sanctuary in Washington. And a very lot of 5* reviews on Amazon. I've ordered it as I want to know her take on where they go. I've always associated quantum physics with that aspect of 'death' - 'There's enough energy in a square meter of space to boil all the oceans in the world - Richard Feynman

 

[I'm John]

I very well understand how you feel as I am going through the same thing. You can always post your thoughts here and talk with us about your feelings. Take care.

 

[skylerlark]

For some reason the grief is getting worse rather than better. Yesterday I had a very strong sense of him walking beside me when I'd had to run an errand. His presence stayed with me all day, and today is no better.

This may sound odd to some but I KNEW I was going to meet him some weeks before I even did. The last of my dogs was still in physical and lovely as he was, he wasn't fond of cats. He would never be aggressive towards them but I was nervous about taking Binx to my home after his three week stay at the vet. My dog understood he was not to frighten him. Binx was a strong character and fell in love with my dog. He'd stretch out trying to reach him until dog gave little 'go away' growl. Then Binx would lay on top of the large table underneath where dog liked to lay. So very sweet.

I understand the ebbs and flows of grief but I've found myself looking into 'suicide ideation' over the loss of a pet/companion animal. (It does happen). Maybe his closeness and my increased grief are trying to tell me something. One thing's for sure, it's not going to get any better, no matter what anyone says.

 

[di and bob]

You believe that now, but it will get better. It may take years, but it does. I'm ten yeras into my grief and am at a place i can pretty well control the dark thoughts. i was responsible for my soulmate's death, so you can imagine where I was at. All I know is she loved life SO much, she would never want me to be so sad forever, and your Binx is the same.......

 

[FeralHearts]

S skylerlark I'm on 3 months and 1 day of losing my Mia. I understand all too well. It's crushing and it's not fair.. I've not been able to write about her in the rainbow bridge properly yet. I keep starting and I keep stopping. Losing someone you love is about the hardest thing there is IMHO. (BTW I lost Mia in the parking lot at the Vets office... so I know the shock you must feel.)

Right now, it's very fresh for you. I still cry every day at least once. I'll be fine and then I'll see where she should be and break. I can feel her at times and it crushes me that she's not here.

One thing I know is that Binx and Mia would not want us to die.

and I don't think it's strange you knew you were going to have Binx - I think they pick us.

Stay with us. Tell us stories. Take it day by day. I think there are only two days I've not burst into tears since since passed.

This is a really hard road to travel and not one I'd wish on anyone. So many of us here understand.

 

[skylerlark]

This morning I was lying in bed on my side listening to a podcast when I entered the hypnagogic state, between waking and sleeping, when I came face to face with Binx, lying on his side and gazing at me. I know that if you respond they disappear, so just let it happen before he was whisked away again.

I too feel him around me all of the time. I haven't been able to sit outside, either in the canopied swing seat at the side of the house, nor most particularly in the front, where there is a chair for me and one he loved to lounge in.

Yes, I firmly believe our pets seek us out, not the other way around. When I lived in England I visited a shelter and was hurried past a kennel with a beautiful tortie kicking up a fuss. I turned back and asked why I'd been rushed past this particular cat. I was told 'because she makes a fuss, we call her Batty'. 'Right. I'll take her. I renamed her Patty. She was a teenager and only answered to her silly shelter name. She lived 15 years. The sweetest cat. She'd throw herself at my apartment door when she heard the door to the building opening, knowing it was me and eager to see me.


Karen Anderson says it's as if they are a barcode which matches ours. Perfect analogy.

 

[hspot]

I think you have definitely come to the right place to vent your grief. When my beautiful Tabitha passed away, I as beside myself...in tears constantly. She did live a long a fruitful life of 19+ years, but it was a devastating loss when I had to put her down. Everyone here helped support me and put me at ease. Say whatever you want, whenever you want in order to vent your sadness. It helps!