Creating Interest When All He Wants Is To Be Alone

[Lavi]

Hey guys,

Dexter has been living with me for one year now (he's one and a half years old).
And the thing is... He gets scared really easily and doesn't seem to trust me that much. I mean yeah we're fine, whenever I'm watching TV he'll jump on the couch and cuddle.
The only thing He'll basically beg for is attention/cuddles. And that's the only interaction he wants from me.
We live in an apartment with a huge patio (but no garden). We also have a dog, a 10-year-old German Sheperd and they get along well (they just don't bother each other).
Lately we've been having problems because the little guy was starting to pee all over our bed and the dog's bed. He was castrated two months ago and things went back to normal. But... Every now and then he goes back to the dog's bed to pee.

And the problem is, I don't know how to get his attention, on anything else than cuddling. He's always up for some cuddling, cuddling is fine even when he sleeps.
But how do I teach him to come when called ? To use the toilets ? To walk on a leash ?
If he could talk he would probably answer: "I don't need those things, just cuddle me and be quiet". I can't get his attention, he doesn't respond to treats.
He seems to respond more to cuddles than anything else. And that's a good thing, I know. But I don't think he trusts me enough to let me do other things with him.

Any advice on how to take our relationship to the next level ?

 

[ArtNJ]

You can't teach a cat to come when called. Closest you'll get is teaching your cat that when you make a certain noise or tap on a surface, that means it is time to get petted or fed. Distinctive calls (cooing, clicking, tapping) are much easier for them to learn than their names. Also the cue absolutely has to be associated with something they value, and even then they will ignore it sometimes, or if you overuse it. Both my cats will pretty much always come if they hear the treat bag being shaken, but the various cues we use for petting time are much more situational -- if they are sleepy, they will usually ignore them. In other words, cue training works, but cats are not dogs.

Teaching a cat to use a toilet? You literally mean a toilet? I understand that is within the realm of possibility for some cats, but...good luck. If you mean, how to train to use the literbox without accidents, stuff lying on the floor that smells is sometimes a challenge so it is not a huge shock a dog bed gets peed in. If it is just the dog bed, trying washing it more, and use Petzyme after an accident. Making sure you have enough literboxes is also useful - can always add one in the room with the bed, at least as a temporary thing.

Teaching a cat to use a leash is a more normal(ish) thing though still quite difficult and a bit rare (because cats are not dogs) but there are posters here that have done it and have tips...will leave to them, or do a search if they don't get back to you.

 

[Lavi]

Coming when called, using toilets and walk on a leash were just examples. I don't mean to turn my cat into a freak show or a circus acrobat. I know cats are not dogs.
The real question I meant to ask was : is there a way to actually reinforce his trust ?
He gets scared by the minimal movement, my boyfriend sneezes and he runs downstairs, whenever he enters a room he stands by the door 2 minutes to check there's no danger. I know he's a cat, and that's what cats do.
But I mean, it looks like he arrived at this house yesterday. We've been living together for a year now and it seems like he still hasn't get used to us.
The cat I adopted back when I lived in France was a scared as Dexter when we rescued him, and now he follows us around everywhere. You can see and feel he trusts us.
I don't think Dexter trusts me. And I don't think he wants to trust me more.
So yeah my question is : can I do something to help ? Or is that just the way it is ?

 

[ArtNJ]

Some people swear that fellaway spray helps w anxiety and Prozac for cats is a real thing. But it doesn't sound like your doing anything wrong. Some cats, especially if stray/feral or in a bad situation for a bit, take a lot longer to relax.

 

[Lavi]

The woman I bought him from told me his mother acts the same. And she transmits that fear of everything to all her babies. Well I understand it's not fear. It's more like always live alert. Dexter is always on his guard.
Except when I'm petting him : he lays down entirely, shows me his belly and lets me pet him.
Even the cats I owned before never let me touch their bellies.
So I'm confused.
I tried Fellaway (spray) the first week we got him. The truth is I don't remember whether it had an effect on Dexter or not. I have to try again.

 

[Ardina]

He clearly trusts you, considering he shows you his belly and lets you pet him. To further your bond, have you tried playing with him? Lots of cats love wand and feather type toys like Da Bird. It's a great way to bond with cats. And hunting and catching "prey" helps cats become more confident.

You could try harness training him, but it's not for every cat. Mishka is curious and active and not too afraid of strangers, so she is doing really well with our outdoor adventures. Saipha is more shy, very afraid of new places, and panics at the sight of strangers, so I accepted that she is much happier staying at home and lounging on the radiator.

 

[Lavi]

I was getting to it : playing with Dexter.
It's simple : he doesn't play.
It doesn't interest him. He'll kick whatever it is i'm shaking in front of him with his paws a few times and then lay down and show me his belly for me to pet him.
I told you Dexter is only into cuddling haha
Good thing is he's so soft and fluffy

That's why I'm scared of trying out new things. I want to try the harness and see how he reacts. Even though I'm pretty sure he's going to freak out.

 

[Animal Freak]

I don't think the problem is a lack of trust. If he's cuddling with you and showing his belly, then he obviously trusts you. He's just, in general, insecure. I have a cat with insecurity issues though they're aimed more towards other animals and strangers. It's gotten better though. Playing with toys and offering high places are a couple of ways to start building confidence. Does the cat have a preferred room or even just a spot? Make sure he always had access to this place.

I understand it can be hard to get a cat to play, but it is possible. You just have to find out what he likes. One of my cats loves the wand toy, one loves the laser light, and the other goes back and forth between the two. At one point in time they all liked the wand toy, but they all liked it different ways. One likes random, swift movements, one liked to jump for it, and the other's preference changes randomly. Sometimes he likes it quick and random, sometimes slow and just barely twitching, and sometimes he likes jumping for it. What I'm trying to say is that every cat has a different preference for the type of toy and even how that toy is moved, and that preference can change. If you haven't already, I'd recommend trying a laser light. It's not my preferred toy since they can't catch, but sometimes it's worth it.

To be honest, I'd forget about harness training. At least for now. You said you don't have a yard, so where would you take him? Traffic and crowds/loud noises are probably just going to stress him out even more, plus there's a risk of dogs. My insecure cat doesn't even go more than a foot away from the door when she goes out on the porch. Even though she's better, she'll always be a very alert, easily stressed cat, so I have no intentions of taking her out, harness or not.

One thing I did to help my insecure cat get along with the other two, as well as all of them get along with the dog, is add a daily training session. Whether they learn any tricks is not the point, but it gets them all close to each other and they get treats for it. Really, you just want to create as many good experiences as possible.

 

[Lavi]

Thank you Animal Freak
I get it.
Yeah Dexter has a giant cat tree downstairs, away from the noise of the living room.
He comes upstairs during the night when we're watching tv or playing videogames and just chills with us.
I should find a way to get his attention with a toy. I'll just try different kinds.
And you're right, a harness wouldn't bring anything positive to his life.