Brother In Law Has The Same Cancer That Took My Mom...

[terestrife]

I wrote a post last year after my mom passed. Its been 7 months or so.

My brother in law went from stage 1 to stage 4 pancreatic cancer, in one year, he is going through chemo. And is handling it well.

This is all bringing up awful memories for my sister, and for me. My mom was diagnosed and only lasted 2 months. I was against her doing chemo, I read such awful things. That it turned people into zombies their last weeks. What ended up taking my mom was that she had an infection in her blood and multiple heart attacks.

I keep wondering if she would have lived more time if I hadn’t been against her doing chemo. Would she still be here? Would the chemo have helped? Or made her worse? Would she even have been able to handle the chemo? Or would the chemo have helped with the pain, in case the pain is what might have caused her heart attack?

I do wish and pray for my BIL to get better, but I get all these dark thoughts, that if he does gets better, then my mom could have gotten better too.


It makes me scared that my actions might have taken away my mom. In her last days i found a treatment called cyber knife and i was planning to take her to see if it would help with pain. But everything happened so fast.


Its been7 months since she passed, and I’ve finally gotten to the point that even though I think of her every day, I don’t cry every day. But now this is bringing everything back. And its hard, because I cant mention any of this to my sister. She is going through the nightmare all over again, and I refuse to be selfish, and make it about me. When i talk to her, i am nothing but supportive, but i cant make these awful thoughts go away.

I am tormented by my guilt, and very ugly thoughts.

 

[Mother Dragon]

I assume your mom had pancreatic cancer also. You had nothing to do with her death. Chemo, if it's at all successful, only postpones the inevitable and makes even more of life's end miserable. The drugs used to fight this monster are horrors in themselves. One is even called the Devil's Brew because it's so painful and has such terrible side effects. Pancreatic cancer is perhaps the most painful of cancers and there's nothing to be done about it except for unlimited morphine.

Desperate people chase all sorts of purported cures, from snake oil in Haiti to fabulously expensive European spas. Those are all just false hope. There is nothing you could have done either way that would have affected the outcome. You did your best and that's all you can ask or hope for. Don't feel guilty or question the decisions you made. They were right and you have to accept that. The world is full of what ifs and if onlys, but it still comes down to doing your best at the time.

I know how painful the memories are and you're living the nightmare all over again. Your BIL is probably stronger than your mother was and that's why he's tolerating the chemo. Your mom was probably already frail. The chemo would probably have been a very bad choice for her. Just because your BIL might live doesn't mean your mother would have, no matter what you did. The two simply have nothing to do with one another.

Don't feel guilty. Remember that you gave her the easiest death possible. That's always the right choice. Your mother was very lucky to have you to help see her through this. Keep repeating to yourself that you did the best possible and believe it.

 

[terestrife]

I assume your mom had pancreatic cancer also. You had nothing to do with her death. Chemo, if it's at all successful, only postpones the inevitable and makes even more of life's end miserable. The drugs used to fight this monster are horrors in themselves. One is even called the Devil's Brew because it's so painful and has such terrible side effects. Pancreatic cancer is perhaps the most painful of cancers and there's nothing to be done about it except for unlimited morphine.

Desperate people chase all sorts of purported cures, from snake oil in Haiti to fabulously expensive European spas. Those are all just false hope. There is nothing you could have done either way that would have affected the outcome. You did your best and that's all you can ask or hope for. Don't feel guilty or question the decisions you made. They were right and you have to accept that. The world is full of what ifs and if onlys, but it still comes down to doing your best at the time.

I know how painful the memories are and you're living the nightmare all over again. Your BIL is probably stronger than your mother was and that's why he's tolerating the chemo. Your mom was probably already frail. The chemo would probably have been a very bad choice for her. Just because your BIL might live doesn't mean your mother would have, no matter what you did. The two simply have nothing to do with one another.

Don't feel guilty. Remember that you gave her the easiest death possible. That's always the right choice. Your mother was very lucky to have you to help see her through this. Keep repeating to yourself that you did the best possible and believe it.

Thank you, i really needed to hear that. Your words meant so much to me. My mom once told me that grieving isnt something you get over. That it hits you when you don't expect it. Just when i think things are better I'm taken back to the day she passed. I try to remind myself that my mom would want me to be happy and at peace, but its hard some days.
Thank you so much for your kind words.

 

[Mother Dragon]

You'll have flashbacks for a long time, but they'll get easier. One thing that helps me is when I hear a song my mom liked or say something she said, or make one of her recipes, I think of the good times. You know, your mother is still with you. Only her body is gone. You can still hear her voice in your ear, saying things she always said, reminding you of how to make good decisions, and she'll be with you every time you think of her. Yes, it's even OK to talk to her, out loud if you need to, but I'd keep those conversations private. There are those who don't understand. Your mother will always be with you as long as she's in your memories. Another thing that brings me comfort is this, "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." It works for parents, cats, anything or anyone you love. Please keep my words in mind.