Baby Kitten Goodbye... Feeling Rotten...

[lulily]

Hello, everyone. I've just registered here - very impulsively - because I feel like I just really need an outlet, I need to talk about this and I can't have a conversation with anyone yet because I just can't keep calm.
Very recently I lost my kitten to wet FIP. He was four months old and died a week and a half after the diagnosis. His passing away is in itself unbearable, but the way it happened makes me feel so guilty I cannot process it at all right now. He was doing really well, considering - he was on Interferon, had an appetite. He was spending virtually all of his time sleeping and he lost a lot of weight, but he also looked so good given his condition, sometimes he would even play a little with his toys, and he kept cuddling up to people, purring, and giving all the love he could. I asked the vets if he was in pain. They said no and didn't suggest putting him to sleep at all. And I was determined to fight for him, too, obviously, maybe it was believing in a miracle, but I was sure that he would be okay for longer, that we had more time.
He didn't have any neurological issues, until, all of a sudden, he started having seizures in the middle of the night. He seemed okay between them, but then, I don't know how to describe it, he grew calmer. He wasn't moving but kept breathing, which was terrifying to me. The thing is, there is no 24h vet clinic anywhere near where I live, we had to wait till the morning. I was desperate do take him to the vet, but I just couldn't do anything, all we could do is wait. After maybe two hours, he passed away in my arms.
I know putting cats with this terrible disease to sleep is what people do so often, I keep thinking about it. I keep thinking maybe I should have done that, but he was so good and it didn't even cross my mind, and the doctors didn't mention it. We were so set on fighting for his life. I don't know. I can't stop thinking he was in pain these last moments, I want to believe he wasn't, but I don't know. I just can't stand the thought, it's so unbearable...
I'm sorry for the long post. I wonder if any of you had a similar experience... I feel like there is no way out sometimes, putting a cat to sleep causes so much guilt, but not doing that does the same. Thank you so much for reading this.

 

[les26]

I am so very sorry that you had to deal with this, but you did what you thought was right and that's the best that you could've done, it's not an easy position to be in. We can always look back on things and question them, but it sounded like the little guy was full of love and wanted to stay here but for some reason he needed to move on to the next life, one where he IS healthy and happy, no more problems, and you will see him again someday down the line. You did all that you could and he knows that and thanks you for it.

I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless....

 

[di and bob]

Grief always brings out these feelings, it causes so much pain to an already broken heart. The will to survive is strong, especially in a kitten that has so much life. I think your little one would have wanted to live the last second he had, and to die at home surrounded by those we love is all we can ask for. It is unbearable to die alone, unwanted and unloved.
Seizures affect the brain, it lowers consciousness, and being with many humans who have experienced them, they have never said they were in pain. Pain usually comes from injuries received from having them, such as falling, or hitting something. I'm so sorry you had to witness this, but your greatest gift was being there for comfort and letting him know he was loved.
You had him for such a short time in your life, but it was enough to have him bond with your soul and to let you feel the love that comes from such a tiny being. You will be blessed for your concern and your care, and especially for loving him and giving him such a wonderful home. Try not to dwell on the end, it changes nothing and brings nothing but pain. Celebrate knowing that little boy, and having him in your life, he gave you much and will continue to follow your life's path until the day it crosses once more. Thank you for sharing your pain and letting us know of this special boy, the burden of grief becomes lighter when shared. Take care and know we do too, I'll keep you both in my thoughts and prayers......RIP sweet baby, you will always be held securely in a loving heart. Send what comfort you can to the one who misses you so very much, let your light shine down and bring peace to a troubled soul. Goodnight, sleep tight, little angel!

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Little One, dream you deep. Your paw prints are forever on someone's heart.

di and bob told you the exact truth. There is no pain in seizures themselves. I have never known anyone with a seizure disorder who even knew that they were having a seizure while it was going on, and I spent most of my adult life in one of the medical fields, working directly with patients. Your little one was not in pain, was not even afraid. And he died at home in the arms of someone who loved him and whom he loved and trusted. What a lovely gift to give him, although I know it was heart-rending for you. You fought for him, and gave him a chance for a happy life, no matter how short. Be at peace in that, knowing that he is at peace, as well. My heart goes out to you.

 

[catsknowme]

Condolences on losing your boy. I lost a kitten to wet FIP, several years back. I would have had him put down sooner but my elderly, disabled friend kept begging me to keep trying as she has been able to feed a cat for 6 weeks with a dropper and it lived a long time. For my poor Oliver, it did not go easy and at the vets, at the end, he purred and accepted some cuddles then turned away and laid at the corner of the table - he was ready to leave this life that no longer had quality. My regret was that I waited 2 weeks too long. Bless you for giving him the good medical care and comfort that allowed his little kitten heart a chance to know the joys of a loving home.