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Witdoms ...

post #1 of 4
Thread Starter 
Witdoms from Steven Wright

----- Original Message -----

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name

5 - 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the

11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked

15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good.

20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her some friends?

21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your

horn louder."

24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the

29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is

30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be
on it.

33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.


34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your
headlights work?
post #2 of 4
They're so funny! I needed a good laugh!
post #3 of 4
Those were really good, I sitting here laughing at my desk!
This is my fave: All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Don't know why, but that one almost me spit out my lemonade
post #4 of 4

Wonderful! I love these things! I have a bunch of them at work - I'll have to get them and post some.

If a tree fell in the forest and no one was around, would it make any sound?
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